16 year old wants full independence…

[DoleWhipFloat]

I’ll try to bullet point this or it’ll be long.

My son is 16, turning 17 in a few weeks.
He has a girlfriend.
He didn’t want to come on holiday with us this summer, so we’ve agreed to let him stay at home on his own, with family just checking in on him occasionally.
He refuses to get a part time job as he has to study for his AS and A levels.
He refuses to study for his AS or A levels…or pretends he has.
He also says he has enough money, the money I saved for him and transferred to him when he turned 16 (well the bank did as I’d put the account was in his name) approx £3000.

He goes to be around 3am, sleeping with his ipad on his bed and FaceTiming his girlfriend all night. When I asked him not to do this, as I was concerned about it being a fire hazard, he shouted me down and basically told me he hates me.

Today he asked to go to London alone with his girlfriend a few days after his 17th birthday. He wants to go by train, watch a concert, stay in a hotel and then come back by train.

His dad and I discussed this, but decided that at just turned 17, we would prefer him not to. It’s a long way to London from here and he’d be funding the trip with the money I’d saved, which was meant to be for a car.

He’s obviously angry and has reacted by shouting at us about what bad parents we are and so I put a full stop on the conversation by saying that whilst I understood his disappointment, the answer is no and will stay no, as long as he wishes to stay here over the summer alone.

Anyway, feeling really shit now. Have no idea if I’m doing this correctly. Feel like a complete failure.

My DS has just (in the last week) turned 17. He is about to go away with mates for his second holiday without us- but he’s paid for it by working in a pub kitchen. He hates it, but knows he needs money to be independent. (We paid last year as it was meant to be an end of GCSEs treat.)
So by all means he can go, a youth hostel will take them at 16, but he needs the ability to pay.

Yes it is, ignore the other poster who was so rude. It might be rare, but I've seen videos of things charging that have set on fire. It's dangerous.

He sounds entitled. But surely he could go to the concert and get the last train home. Killers concert finishes Saturday at 10.25pm. Last train home is just before midnight.

I took my 12 year old to London last year- he literally guided us around. Knew how to get back to our car park, read a map to get us to places. So I’m honestly I can’t understand why you are not allowing a 17 year old to go to London by themselves. I’m not even sure why he needs to ask tbh. At 17 he could have a car and just go.

Maybe he thinks he won't be able to achieve his career ambitions so he's kind of given up? Do you think there are any problems at school or something big is worrying him?

Aw OP this is tough.
it’s really bloody annoying about the money but I’d stop funding stuff and put that money away while he fritters the 3k.
He’s your one and only and until now he’s been a perfect child. it sounds like he’s trying to break away and establish some independence.

If he has IBD or even “just” IBS then that will be playing havoc with his sense of being in control of his body and his life, especially when his parents have to pick him up from things his friends are enjoying because he is sick.

From nhs website (I’m sure you know OP):

The symptoms of IBD include:

pain, cramps or swelling in the tummy
recurring or bloody diarrhoea
weight loss
extreme tiredness

These are horrible symptoms which can be embarrassing at any age and really interfere with life. Teens can find managing health problems like asthma, diabetes tricky to juggle as they try to break away. They can choose to do things that might make it worse like staying up late but then people of all ages can find long term conditions really hard.

just to add and it’s not meant to be critical that you do sound anxious too. It is an anxious time I know. I don’t think I’ve met anyone who empties and switches off their fridge and freezer for a holiday. One of my DC has a laptop tray to use the laptop in bed but that’s because they want to protect the expensive gaming laptop…

Try to maintain the relationship. Decide some boundaries together with DH and with DS and then engage in “relentless positivity” if you can.

Your DS is doing a normal stage of breaking away a bit and you all need to adapt to him being an adult/almost adult but in your son’s case one where his parents might have to rescue him from a much anticipated London trip because he is ill.

no wonder feelings are running high. Breath OP. This too shall pass and he’ll be the lovely young man he always was. It may take a few years though.

Compromise. Show him how to use washing machine. Tell him from now on he does all his own laundry. Give him set chores he must do. My adult son takes out kitchen bin to outside bin each evening, unloads dishwasher, cooks for family once a week and unpacks and puts away online food shop. 15 year old strips his own bed, sorts all recycling, tidies everyone's shoes in hall and cooks once a week for family and sorts his laundry into whites/darks and brings down to machine. In return I drive him to all his sports venues. Pack his lunches although he can do that himself and do his laundry. Why have you not taught you son to do laundry and cook meals? It is a skill he needs to be a successful adult. I would let him go to London for couple of days providing he booked in advance. As others have said he may not be able to due to young age. You made mistake of putting money in his name, so now he will spend it. I saved money for my son's but only gave it to them as deposit for house and eldest did not know about it until he had saved most of his deposit. Getting a small part time job whilst doing A levels will be good for him. Up to 8 hours a week.

The IBD has really impacted his self confidence and he’s quite resentful about it. It started around the same time last year that we started to see other changes. I think it has affected his general well-being. His diet is bland now for the most part and that makes him grumpy too. When he eats crap, he gets ill for days/weeks. I do feel for him in that respect.

He has a lot of issues in school to, missing lessons as he’s on the loo. We are undergoing investigations, but diagnosing IBD is a slow process and in the meantime no treatments are offered.

I was at university when I was 17 and living on my own..

He is not a child anymore and I don't see what is wrong in itself with him travelling to another city for a day out.

If he wants to live like an adult though make it clear he needs to pay his way and you won't be financing his lifestyle especially if he does not want to continue his education.

But also don't let him speak to you like this. if he is rude, ask him to move out and tell him you will only interact with him when he treats you with respect.

My son was more than capable of doing all that at a younger age.

Raising children should always involve preparing them for their independence so that they are streetwise, capable and confident.

Thank you for your kind post.

I do agree. The IBD/IBS is horrendous for him. Really truly horrendous. I wish I could do more to help, but I can’t. He is undergoing scans etc, so it’s just a waiting game.

I also have diagnosed OCD. I’ve had it my whole life and take Sertraline to somewhat limit it. Sorry. I feel like I’m dripfeeding now, but it didn’t seem relevant before. I tend to be hyper vigilant and have systems and routines that I need to follow to feel safe. I do understand that it’s not good for my son, but I’ve battled this my whole life. My mother told me that I began displaying signs of the ‘disease’ at 3 years old. I do try….it’s heartbreaking because I know it affects others. I do try though and it is largely under control.

What about a 19 year old who’s saved for Uni?

Less likely to fritter it away if they've earned it rather than been handed it on a plate especially through a mix up of names on an account.

Tell him he can be fully independent when he gets a job. Personally I wouldn't have an issue with an almost 17 year old going to London but the funding issue would bother me.

Thank you for your kind post.

I was trying to be kind. Try to be kind to yourself too.

It’s very hard if you have long term significant anxiety. You have a lot to juggle in your family but you will get there. Accommodating and making room for each other, your anxiety and your son’s new condition is really hard.

The pace of change can be so fast at times but it’s unavoidable.

HI OP no one is perfect and every parent makes mistakes, so don't beat yourself up about it. You have mentioned a range of issues in your post. Have you explained to him that the 3k was for a car and if he spends it then there will be no car? Does he want to drive? You mentioned starting driving lessons and thats a really good idea if he is keen. I'd then keep reminding him that the 3k is for a car, and that to run a car he will need to work. We bought our eldest a car as an 18th birthday gift, it sat on our drive with the implicit understanding that we weren't putting any fuel in it, and our eldest who had at that point been reluctant to get a job did when the incentive was so strong. With regard to London if he's going with the sensible girlfriend I would let him and accept he is going to blow a bit of his new found wealth, unfortunately that genie is out of the bottle. But... show me the train tickets , show me the hotel booking (that may put it to bed anyway), show me you know what you are doing so I know you will be safe. His priorities have changed, from school and mummy , it's now girls and freedom. Has he spent much of the 3k already if he's had it nearly a year? Are you giving him an allowance, if so make sure it comes with conditions. Or stop it and save it whilst he's spending the 3k. As for the bad parents comment, there'd be no lifts, no dinner, no laundry, no snacks , whatever caused him inconvenience until he apologised. After all bad parents dont supply those things do they. But then I can be a mean mother when riled. I wish you well you will get through it.

Sorry i missed the bit about IBD that is a separate issue to overcome, I am sorry to hear he is dealing with that.

@Lizziekisss

Thank you so much. It’s good to hear all the views, but nice to get some kind words in between.

I posted as I’m feeling a complete failure right now, so whilst I’m trying to take onboard where I’m clearly going wrong, the messages of support and empathy are appreciated.

get the 3k back and don't give him money anymore hell find a new way to spend it if you don't and he wont work if you give him money

Of course you let him go. Let him do all the preparing himself,like the adult he wants to be.
I hope you're not doing his washing and cooking for him.

Remember teenagers know everything 😀

Mine certainly does 🙄☺️

My DH thinks I should get the money back from him too, but I’m not sure. As of yet, he hasn’t chipped into it…but he has had a nice allowance.

The allowance has stopped recently to try to encourage him to get a job. So I suspect he’ll start using the £3000 as he’ll have no other income.

He’s asked everyone for money for his birthday and he’ll probably get quite a bit. Nan spoils him and will give him £1000. I’m not happy about that, but can’t stop her (she must do the same for all of the grandkids). So he’ll be sorted again for some time without having to earn for himself.

I really believe he needs to get a job.

He is having a teenagery phase; breaking away from you and home, it's normal.If he is basically a good kid and likes studying he will get back to it in his own time although he might stuff things up in the meantime.It's up to him.The money is his and if he spends it all on different priorities to yours that is also down to him.
I think that he is easily old enough to go to London although,of course, the plan might fall to bits over accommodation which again would be a learning exercise.
He shouldn't be swearing at you , that is really disrespectful and needs consequences.If he has time to sleep all day ,he has time for some chores.I would ignore his bedroom personally.I tend to make certain tasks the expected norm eg I do not want to come home from work to find the dishwasher full , crumbs all over the side etc.I also say, I'm going to be late on Thursday, or whenever,we are having xyz for dinner , please get things going.Reasonable DC can't really argue with the fact that if I am at work and they are not they should be doing some of the work.
If iPads are a fire risk that has to stop.
I would be moving towards helping him to grow up while keeping your own red lines.

Sorry,also missed the IBD business.This is a really difficult thing to live with for teens as it is potentially embarrassing and unpredictable.Two qualities that are really hard to live with for this age group.Not only that, he probably feels constantly unwell.He may well be feeling angry about it and of course you and his Dad are going to be his punching bags.

The money thing is up to you. If you are really well-off and can give him plenty later on, it doesn't really matter. If that £3000 represents a large amount to you and he isn't going to be getting many top-ups then absolutely do not let him spend it now. It would be the height of irresponsibility on your part.
Me, I'd definitely want it back asap, as it wasn't intended as a 'vague amount to spend on tat'.
My kids get their money paid straight into a lisa - £4000 with a £1000 government top up towards a house deposit. So no spending it til 30ish

I went to London and stayed in a hotel with friends at 16, went abroad with a friend at 17, so I think you’re being very over protective not allowing that.

In regards to him wanting full independence , well he can’t have it both ways, he needs to get a job and pay you board, he can’t be having mummy and daddy give him pocket money and claim he’s an adult and should be allowed to do what he wants. I had a job from 16 all through my A levels and uni (STEM subjects so not much free time) and I did fine. It can’t work both ways.

I would say if you want to be treated like an adult you need to act like one, get a job and start paying your own way then you can have more freedom.

If he fails his A levels he fails them, that’s a life lesson for him, same with blowing all the money, but I would make it clear he can’t just stay at home and do nothing being bank rolled by mum and dad.