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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 year old wants full independence…

110 replies

DoleWhipFloat · 01/06/2022 20:41

I’ll try to bullet point this or it’ll be long.

My son is 16, turning 17 in a few weeks.
He has a girlfriend.
He didn’t want to come on holiday with us this summer, so we’ve agreed to let him stay at home on his own, with family just checking in on him occasionally.
He refuses to get a part time job as he has to study for his AS and A levels.
He refuses to study for his AS or A levels…or pretends he has.
He also says he has enough money, the money I saved for him and transferred to him when he turned 16 (well the bank did as I’d put the account was in his name) approx £3000.

He goes to be around 3am, sleeping with his ipad on his bed and FaceTiming his girlfriend all night. When I asked him not to do this, as I was concerned about it being a fire hazard, he shouted me down and basically told me he hates me.

Today he asked to go to London alone with his girlfriend a few days after his 17th birthday. He wants to go by train, watch a concert, stay in a hotel and then come back by train.

His dad and I discussed this, but decided that at just turned 17, we would prefer him not to. It’s a long way to London from here and he’d be funding the trip with the money I’d saved, which was meant to be for a car.

He’s obviously angry and has reacted by shouting at us about what bad parents we are and so I put a full stop on the conversation by saying that whilst I understood his disappointment, the answer is no and will stay no, as long as he wishes to stay here over the summer alone.

Anyway, feeling really shit now. Have no idea if I’m doing this correctly. Feel like a complete failure.

OP posts:
EileenGC · 01/06/2022 21:03

I just want him to be sensible and safe.

Travelling around at that age with friends is definitely sensible and safe. Unless there additional needs or he's never read a bus schedule before.

I can actually recommend a great bed and breakfast in a safe-ish area of London which takes under 18s and often do so. My (underage) siblings have stayed there before on their own and it was great.

The travelling and the general 'entitlement' are two different issues. If he wants to be treated like an adult, he can start behaving like one. He can't expect to have everything done for him but to also come and go as he pleases. He should definitely show some respect and (ideally) discuss things with you and come to sensible conclusions as a result.

EwwSprouts · 01/06/2022 21:04

Is sleeping with an iPad on your bed, plugged in not a fire risk?
I genuinely thought it was. It is according to the fire service.

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 01/06/2022 21:14

Thank you everyone for your input. Much to think about.

OP posts:
AverageJoan · 01/06/2022 21:19

SmellyWellyWoo · 01/06/2022 20:53

Why did you let a 16 year old have access to such a large lump sum of money?

Basically this

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 01/06/2022 21:24

AverageJoan · 01/06/2022 21:19

Basically this

Show quote history

I didn’t realise the account would be transferred to my son on his 16th birthday.
As I opened it, I thought it would be when I saw fit. My fault obviously.

OP posts:
Mrsmch123 · 01/06/2022 21:26

@AverageJoan i opened an account for my child and didn't realise that at 16 they automatically get access to it. It was never explained to me like this. I really need to sort it. He's only a baby but if things keep going the way they are there will be around 20,000 in the account by the time he's 16.

Footle · 01/06/2022 21:42

@EwwSprouts , a friend's adult son died a few months ago when his iPhone caught fire in his bed.

calmlakes · 01/06/2022 21:52

By 17 I was at Uni several hundred miles away.
But I had been traveling around the Uk by myself for 18 months at least before then.
Maybe let me have more freedom but ask that he accepts more responsibility as well.

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 01/06/2022 21:57

Assuming his gf is also 17yo, no way they will be allowed to stay in a hotel on their own.
a Youth Hostel yes (both my dcs have done that from 16yo).

Re the money, it’s a hard one. You saved it for him for a special purpose but as soon as it as angered to him, you’ve lost any control over it and he can do whatever he wants with it. Which is unlikely to be what you were planning (and this is the reason why I never had money saved for the dcs at their name….).

Amongst all that, I’d say the biggest issue is the not doing anything for his A levels tbh.

EwwSprouts · 01/06/2022 22:02

@Footle Sorry, that's a tragedy.

Branster · 01/06/2022 22:09

SmellyWellyWoo · 01/06/2022 20:53

Why did you let a 16 year old have access to such a large lump sum of money?

Actually a lot of 16 years old can be sensible in similar positions even with bigger funds.

Footle · 01/06/2022 22:10

@MolliciousIntent , it was actually you I meant to tag in my post about the death caused by a phone.
@EwwSprouts , yes.

NrlySp · 01/06/2022 22:13

When he’s calmer - in a couple of days - set a date for a family conference. Make some agreements
A good place to start is his doing his own washing. It’s a useful skill. If he isn’t doing it already.
i have a 17 year old. Believe me they are really hard work. But stick to your guns.
teens need parental permission to stay in a hotel usually if they are under 18. Based on his behavior there is no reason to give permission. It’s up to you if you give him a change to redeem himself.
also with the job if he refuses to get one let him use up his money. 3,000 is a lot of money. But with a bit of effort it can be earnt back with a part time/Summer job.

NrlySp · 01/06/2022 22:15

Also you need to set firm, written and clear expectations for the time he spends alone in the house when you are on holiday. And consequences of those expectations are not meet on return. Eg house needs to be clean and tidy, bins emptied, garden lawn mown etc etc. He can choose when he does these activities but they must be done before you return. No rights without responsibilities- that’s adult life.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 01/06/2022 22:30

The lack of a job would massive grate on me, he will also piss that £3000 a way so I'd be asking for some of that back to put in a savings account.

Your house your rules re the iPad.

If he screams and shouts so be it, he's basically behaving like an overgrown toddler.

Put some boundaries in place and consequences for if he breaks them.

C152 · 01/06/2022 22:34

Well if he wants "full independence" he can move out, get a job and look after himself. If, however, he wants to continue living at home with your support, then you should both probably have a discussion about what is expected from now on.

It must be grating seeing him what you may feel is 'wasting' money you probably saved hard for him but, alas, it is his money. (Doesn't mean you can't have an adult conversation about money management.) You're not unreasonable in wanting and encouraging him to study; nor are you unreasonable to set some rules around behaviour/mutual respect. I do think you're being a little overprotective in not wanting him to go to London for a day and night with his girlfriend. Unless he's spectacularly immature and unaware (to the point where he's a danger to himself), I can't see what the issue is? A train trip to London, bus/tube to wherever they're staying, make sure they have a route back to the hotel worked out for when the concert ends, they have somewhere safe to spend the night pre-booked and then they return the next day. Surely it's a bit like training a younger child to take themselves to/from school? He needs to start being able to navigate the wider world on his own. This could be a first, small step; meaning by the time he either gets a full-time job or goes to Uni, he'll be more confident and resilient?

Don't be so hard on yourself, OP. You're doing the best you can.

Lollypop701 · 01/06/2022 22:40

I don’t enter my sons bedroom, it’s his space. I do insist it’s reasonably clean. I do t check ds bank… he has an allowance and it’s up to him how he spends it, but I don’t fork out more. Your ds has got the savings, not much you can do other that reduce allowance and resave. Teenagers think they know it all … n completely normal. You have to show him he’s not completely right! Cook and wash clothes irregularly so he can do his own. Basically he’s old enough to do most things and I’m his mum so happy to support him but not to his detriment

lassof · 01/06/2022 22:40

Hmmm my kids bank accounts transfer at 18 not 16, and even then, they are well trained enough to know it's my money not theirs until I say they can have it. Did you tell him he wasn't allowed to spend it? Or tell him to transfer to eg junior isa? If not then you are being too lax - he will regret spending it and blame you, later on. Maybe let him have a few hundred for his trip and the rest gets locked back up again?

yesthatisdrizzle · 01/06/2022 22:41

You say yes, all right, he can do all of those things, and since he is now a responsible adult you are passing all personal responsibility over to him. So he can do all his own food shopping, cooking and laundry with immediate effect. Also, lifts stop now so if he needs to go anywhere then he takes public transport and pays for it himself.

Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 02/06/2022 00:06

Thank you again all. DH and I are going to have a chat about it all tomorrow and see if we can reach some sort of compromise with DS.
I need to let go a bit. But I probably also need to be firmer as far as what responsibilities he needs to be taking on.

It’s been an eye opener to read the replies…though, I’d still prefer he didn’t sleep with the iPad in his bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoleWhipFloat · 02/06/2022 00:14

BertieBotts · 01/06/2022 20:57

Using an iPad on a bed is not a fire risk unless you have defective (non official) cables.

If he has access to the money then he'll probably spend it anyway. If you want it to be spent on a car I'd book him in for driving lessons and/or take him to look at cars ASAP, keep talking about the 3k budget for his car etc etc to cement that in his mind. Will that even be enough for a car these days?

I do find it a bit weird that you won't let him go to London? Not agreeing to fund it because the money is for something else is fair. If the money is just likely to be frittered though, then possibly better to spend it on something he'll at least get some useful life experience and good memories out of. How far is a long way, has he been before? Maybe there's a closer city he could do something similar in? I think it's great that he wants to do something like that. It's worth him checking the hotels etc before he books anything else though if the 18 issue is correct as others have said.

Whatever he does the 3k is unlikely to last very long. Maybe he'll decide a part time job is a good idea after all.

Yes, all of his chargers cables are not originals. He gets through cables like no one’s business. They are black ones from Amazon and come in a pack of 5.

London is a good 3 hours (by train) away and he’s never been before. He’s been to other cities though for days out.

Good idea about booking driving lessons now etc, to get him used to the idea of the £3000 going towards a car.

OP posts:
Regularmumnetter · 02/06/2022 02:43

Regarding the London trip I think your being a bit over protective I mean he’s 17 for goodness sake. You can move out at 16 and I’m sure travel lodges/premier inn (not sure which) will take over 16s. Although you shouldn’t be letting him talk to you like that and I wouldn’t in a million years let a 16 year old have £3000 😂 I would let them choose what to spend it on but would be keeping it safe in my own bank account. I can see it from his side, from your OP anyway, you don’t want him speaking to his girlfriend (because of a fire risk 🤨) and you don’t want him going to london .. with his girlfriend - it sounds like you’ve got a problem with the GF OP.

uggmum · 02/06/2022 08:14

My ds has had part time jobs since he was 16.

He worked throughout the pandemic and during A levels. He is now at Uni and still works part time.

He is also independent and has visited 13 counties, travelling with his girlfriend since he was 18 (he has just turned 19).

This includes the Maldives and backpacking around Italy.

The main issue you have is the lack of respect that he has for you.

I'm sure he will cope going to London. But he will soon run out of money.

Although it's hard, try to take a huge step back. Stop doing stuff for him. If he wants to adult. Then let him.

He will soon realise how much you did for him and start being more appreciative.

BertieBotts · 02/06/2022 08:23

The cheap Amazon cables can be a fire hazard (more so cheap unregulated plugs) but TBH it's more batteries that can be a problem. You can't easily change the battery in an iPad so I'd assume that's an official one. Occasionally official batteries are found to be faulty -there was a Samsung a few years back - but iPads are so popular you'd have heard of this and it would be recalled.

Unless the counterfeit cables get really hot though they're not going to be a problem. I use unofficial cables and charge my phone in/next to the bed. Modern devices won't overcharge as they have software on them which stops the charging process once the battery is full or nearly full.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 02/06/2022 08:25

Mrsmch123 · 01/06/2022 21:26

@AverageJoan i opened an account for my child and didn't realise that at 16 they automatically get access to it. It was never explained to me like this. I really need to sort it. He's only a baby but if things keep going the way they are there will be around 20,000 in the account by the time he's 16.

Change how much you put in and open an account in your name for the rest.

I have a Junior ISA in DDs name that I put £25 a month into and she'll get when she ages into it, then I have a Stocks and shares ISA in my name that I put £150 a month into. That one she won't know anything about until I choose to hand it over which might be when she's 18 for university, or 25 when she wants a house deposit or 35.....