16 year old wants full independence…

[DoleWhipFloat]

I’ll try to bullet point this or it’ll be long.

My son is 16, turning 17 in a few weeks.
He has a girlfriend.
He didn’t want to come on holiday with us this summer, so we’ve agreed to let him stay at home on his own, with family just checking in on him occasionally.
He refuses to get a part time job as he has to study for his AS and A levels.
He refuses to study for his AS or A levels…or pretends he has.
He also says he has enough money, the money I saved for him and transferred to him when he turned 16 (well the bank did as I’d put the account was in his name) approx £3000.

He goes to be around 3am, sleeping with his ipad on his bed and FaceTiming his girlfriend all night. When I asked him not to do this, as I was concerned about it being a fire hazard, he shouted me down and basically told me he hates me.

Today he asked to go to London alone with his girlfriend a few days after his 17th birthday. He wants to go by train, watch a concert, stay in a hotel and then come back by train.

His dad and I discussed this, but decided that at just turned 17, we would prefer him not to. It’s a long way to London from here and he’d be funding the trip with the money I’d saved, which was meant to be for a car.

He’s obviously angry and has reacted by shouting at us about what bad parents we are and so I put a full stop on the conversation by saying that whilst I understood his disappointment, the answer is no and will stay no, as long as he wishes to stay here over the summer alone.

Anyway, feeling really shit now. Have no idea if I’m doing this correctly. Feel like a complete failure.

No problem with the girlfriend. She has two jobs and is extremely motivated! She’s also really independent and probably a great influence for my son. They haven’t been together that long, so fingers crossed.

I don’t understand why you’d go to sleep with FaceTime watching the other person sleep all night though? I mean, FaceTime them before bed and chat, then say goodnight and pop the iPad on the bedside table.

I am the sort of person who historically defrosts the freezer and empties the fridge so I can turn them off before we all go on holiday - or I check over all of the plug sockets to make sure they are off before bed. I am concerned that sleeping with the iPad propped on your pillows is a fire risk. Not sure why people are doubting that.

And I didn’t ‘let him have’ £3000. I didn’t realise his account transferred to him at 16. My savings account my mum set up for me transferred to me at 21. I just stupidity assumed it would be at least 18.

I don’t think he wants full independence, I think he wants to go to London. I think you should let him.

I can imagine that money being eaten up you've saved hard for is galling.

But once it's gone it's gone and if he wants that lifestyle he'll have to get a job. Maybe the fact his GF works for her money will be a good influence on him when that time comes.

He'll realise for himself that he can't drive, doesn't have a car and can't actually have freedom because he's spent the money towards it.

Learning by mistakes at a young age can be the best lesson.

London would be fine but I doubt he'd get a hotel. They don't allow unaccompanied under 18's even in travelodge etc.

If he wants to be independent then let him. That means his own washing, chores in the house and if he doesn't do them then he doesn't get dinner cooked for him etc. make sure you only buy ingredients he can cook with. My ds is 17 and became really lazy with regards actually making something (even toast!) and would eat biscuits etc. so I stopped buying the alternative crap and he had to actually put in some effort!

If he’s concentrating on his school work, how is that going? Does he get AS results in summer? Did he have end of year exams in the others?
If he’s doing ok in his school work then I’d leave him be. If not then it’s a different matter.

That sounds like my son with the food…he will just eat chocolate bars and Oreos if I let him. Anything in a wrapper, that doesn’t require more than a few minutes in the microwave. He’s being investigated for IBD and has really bad tummy attacks with D, so I do tend to make his foods though, to try to avoid that. But you’re right…he needs to learn to take care of himself. I do way too much.

Christ I didn’t know that about eve savings. Better check my kids accounts. I think 17 is ok to go to london on a train. He’ll have a great time.

He’s just had his exams. They were a lot harder than he thought. He was predicted top grades, but thinks he failed Chemistry. I think he thought he could just coast through them and get the best grades. He’s really lazy and demotivated at the moment…he hasn’t always been this way.

A year ago he’d study for hours of his own accord. He’d keep his bedroom really tidy and change his bed. He’d vacuum the house and wipe over the kitchen cupboards once a week. He’d ask me to buy something at the shop for him and actually offer to pay me back. He was sweet and considerate. Then since about November he doesn’t come out of his bedroom, which is a mess. His attitude is poor. He is rude to his dad and I but more so me. He called his dad the C word the other day. He has been suffering with the expected IBD, so we’ve given him a bit more ‘understanding’ than perhaps we should have. But the change has really taken us by surprised, although DH blames hormones.

I know! It came as a surprise!!

I’ve continued to save but into my savings account. I won’t be putting any more into that account.

I would definitely let your DS and his GF go on the London trip. DS and his friends went a couple of times to concerts staying overnight - they flew to Belfast once . The difficulty might be that most hotels say you need to be 18 to book - certainly a travel lodge does and I remember panicking they would be refused entry . They were fine though .

Regarding the studying - does your DS have any idea what he wants to do? A levels / university isn't the only route and sometimes they have to find their own way . My DS was thrown off his A level course after the first year as he hasn't put the work in . The college suggested he did a BTec instead but DS decided to go for an apprenticeship instead which has been really good for him - he loved the adult world of work and seemed to find his work ethic .

It's a shame about the bank account - that does make things more difficult if he thinks he has enough money without working for it - although £3,000 won't last him very long if he thinks he can be completely independent on that .

I think he sounds typical teenager really, I wouldn't worry too much at the moment, and his girlfriend may be a positive influence on him .

He wants to be a cosmetic surgeon 🙄

OP swearing at your parents isn't hormones. It's lack of respect and knowing you'll get away with it. I went through the teenage years with both of mine and they wouldn't have dared swear at me.

The main issue you have is the lack of respect that he has for you.
This.
I stopped being responsible for cleaning my dc's bathroom, bedroom and doing their laundry when they were about 16. They were able to cook for themselves when they went to uni. I hope things improve OP💐

@DoleWhipFloat
" He wants to be a cosmetic surgeon "

Ah. OK. And presumably needs a medical degree for that. Interesting career choice though .

Just because the money transfers to his name doesn't mean it's his to have unless you want him to! Ffs, where does he think it came from ,the magic money tree? The money is yours. No way would I stand by and watch him waste money I'd saved.

I would let him go to London though, that's a perfectly normal thing to do at 17 and good for encouraging independence.

Maybe get a proper iPad cable if it's an issue?

Teens are such hard work🙄

Thank you 😊

Yes. He would have needed a medical degree…and his Chemistry A level. He also does 3 other subjects related.

He was actually really serious about working towards this goal. Again, a lot has changed over the last 6 months and his attitude now stinks.

He doesn't need to learn to take care of himself, you need to teach him to.

Does he know how to use the washing machine properly, how to hoover.. and empty it, and clear the hair off the brushes, how to clean a toilet, unblock a drain (my dd at uni had to show 2 of the guys how to clean a sink and use the automatic plug thing!).

If he wants to be independent, teach him how. Or does he just want to live his life how he wants to with no obligations or responsibilities?

The second one. If I offer to show him how to use the oven, or even insist he watches me turn on the washing machine I get a mouthful. He refuses to even open the dishwasher to place his dishes in and will pile them into the sink.

We have words with him, and we get ‘OK, OK’ but nothing changes.

This. What a 16 year old spends a large amount of money on will be vastly different from the spend of an 18 year old or a new graduate at 21. Very silly to have enabled him to have access to that money at 16. If he blows it all now then you must be strong and not replace. If he wants driving lessons he must get a part time job to pay for them.
University will probably sort him out. My son was an absolute arse as a teen. Rude, entitled, selfish. Living with other people who were as self absorbed as him really opened his eyes to his behaviour. He is a fabulous 29 year old now.

He sounds like a typical 16/17 year old to me. £3000 was a lot to give a child of that age, you should have just bought a ca if that's what you wanted the money to go to. But otherwise it's his to spend how he wants - don't buy him a car though, if he blows the lot.

Staying up late and getting up late is normal at that age - even 4pm.

And loads of teens hate studying. What I learned from having kids that are now older than that that second chances are available. He can do his exams at any time if he doesn't do well enough at the first go.

What I wouldn't do though is subsidise his lifestyle while he's dossing his way through they part of his life.

That gives me hope.

My son was an absolute joy as a child. So bright and lovely. Lots of cuddles and always did well at school. Never gave us much reason to worry about him. He was easy peasy even into his early teens. Whilst everyone else’s 14 year olds were swearing and going out and getting into trouble, I felt smug that my DS was such a good lad.

Roll onto 16 and wow! It’s like some alien creature has taken over my gorgeous boy. He sits in the dark in his room all day. DS thinks he was bitten by a vampire. If he didn’t go to school, he’d probably only need boxers, as he doesn’t bother to get dressed. When he can’t be bothered to put clean folded clothes away, they just get dumped right back in the wash basket.

Its like the floodgates have opened for me now and I feel bad saying things about him. But I’m so fed up. I don’t understand what changed.

DH and I are going to have a chat about London today. But generally, DS can do what he likes. He’s been into Bristol with friends and Cardiff with friends. London just felt a bit too far for someone who is only just 17 (we’ll still 16 right now) and who seems to be really verbally aggressive and immature at the moment. Another thing is that we get called to pick him up when his belly gets bad. He went on a school trip to Swindon and had a suspected IBD attack, meaning DH had to get him.

We are willing to look again at the topic though.

£3000 was a lot to give a child of that age

My 17 year old has £4000 savings from working and birthday/Christmas money

Shes saving for a car - I’ll let her know!

What about a 19 year old who’s saved for Uni?

You will have to check up on the laws affecting him.
Many laws classify him as a child and will hold you responsible for his safety until he is 18. (be glad it is not 21 as when I grew up)

He’s 17 a young adult - you need to back off a bit.

He is acting like a child because you are treating him like one.

Once you start giving him more independence and start treating him like a grown up, then he will start acting more mature and less like a spoilt brat.

The iPad thing would give me anxiety too but right now he’s not stopping because he knows it’s winding you up.
The more controlling you try to be the more he’s going to try and break the rules.

Once the relationship has repaired a bit you can say I don’t mind you being on it but can you not leave it plugged in as I’ve seen too many fires started that way.

He absolutely has to get a PT job, even if it’s just an hour a week as I think he’s acting very spoilt and ungrateful.

Does he want to learn to drive?
I’d use this as the carrot to encourage him to get a job and pay for driving lessons.

It’s frustrating he got the £3K so young as it is going to be wasted and he’s going to regret it when he wants to buy a car.
But whatever he does with it is his choice and you can give advice but not tell him what to do.

If he wants to do a medical degree (or any degree), he's likely to go to uni at 18. I went to uni 3+ hours a way by train. That's not unusual. And he'll be there for a lot more than 1 night at a time.

So if you expect him to be able to do that at 18, why can't he go away for 1 night at 17?

His attitude clearly needs to change, but in some ways you seem to be treating him like a younger teenager. Assuming he's currently in year 12, it's just over a year until he could be at uni. Surely it makes sense to build up to that, for example with a night away, rather than him being a child at home one day, and a student living away the next.