Does your teenager have a Saturday job?

[Anon778833]

My dd is 18 and she’ll be going to university this year. When I was a teenager, my parents expected me to have a a Saturday job to pay for things that I wanted and I had once consistently from age 16 to when I graduated university. My dd, although very academic and predicted very good A level results, is not at all keen to get any kind of job, ever. I love her dearly but she is lazy. She doesn’t lift a finger around the house either to help me and I’m concerned that she might not cope very well in the real world.

This is probably my fault. But I’m wondering whether cultural norms have changed so that teenagers don’t have part time jobs anyway?

My 16 year old does bar work. Not every week just a few shifts per month in a large arena.

Really. Round here any teenager who wants a job can get one. Both my DDs have worked from 14 in a local cafe. And paid very well. Now 20/21 both have uni and summer jobs. Earning really good money so they can enjoy the extras at uni both run cars etc themselves.

we also have a shop in a village with a few cafes and other shops everyone with out fail employs teenagers. (And before you say it’s about pay we pay 9.50 an hour + a bonus to our u18s.

daughters both earning 11-12 an hour in there jobs.

My dd is 18 just about to sit a levels, she had a summer job last year which just lasted the summer hols. She is off to the local college to do a foundation degree in Sept. We haven’t applied any pressure yet for her to get a job, would like her to get a Saturday job after her alevels, though we are away 3 times in the summer hols so not sure how that would pan out but come September I expect her to be working, she is helpful around the house though. She isn’t especially extravagant, happy to buy her clothes from vinted etc.

I’m amazed that teens can work from 14! I didn’t even know that. Anyway, looks like I need to be much firmer with her.

I would expect all NT 18 year olds to have done some form of paid or volunteer work, as part of their self development if nothing else.

It depends where you live I suppose. Where we live, there’s not that many jobs for teens really. My son has worked the last couple of summers for a friends business so he’ll do that again for some of the summer. He gets paid well for that and we’ll be buying him a car once he’s passed his test. We chose to live rurally so we’re aware that limits part time jobs for our children, especially until they’re driving.

My eldest worked in a shop from17. Younger one McDonald's. They both worked through uni too.

Sorry OP but you need to get a grip. I had abusive parents, I was in foster care. Being a good parent is putting in boundaries and teaching them to be independent. Stop making excuses, deal with your shit and teach your almost adult the skills that they will need to have a happy functioning life. There's your kick up the bum.

If her dad will enable her then let her go and live with him. Or he can stop enabling her too.

I'd start with - dd I have not taught you how to be an adult. This time starts now. She can do her own washing, change her own bed, cook dinner twice a week or she doesn't get lifts, money or phone paid for. If she doesn't like it she can get a job and pay for it herself. Or live with her dad who will soon get fed up of babying her and she'll be back with you.

Those things actually make dc feel safe and secure. Instead of getting to enjoy your almost adult dc you need to go back to basics and teach her adulting.

I think you’re the one who needs the grip, @SnowWhitesSM

The OPs DD is 18, she is sitting her A levels, she is off to university.

She is fine.

Yeah really fine.. with parents that can't say no and baby her. Bet she'll do great at uni...

Dd has worked in a restaurant/bar from 15 and loves it

It's great for confidence, maturity and she really enjoys it too

Other friends work at a nail salon, an independent diy shop, builders merchant, ice cream parlour and tearooms

It will do her good, you are doing the right thing realizing she needs this and to encourage her - albeit a bit later

Don’t beat yourself or your DD up OP.

Yeah, it would be great if your DD worked but whilst many do, there are many others do not.

My DS (same age) has not worked. He has very low outgoings and just doesn’t want much and has plenty of cash from birthdays, Christmas etc. plus also a trust fund. He also had some health issues reducing his spare time. He works hard at school and is a good kid and a pleasure to be around. He is a happy lad who appreciates his comfortable home life with us. There is plenty of time for work after Uni. It is a different approach to when I was a teen, I worked from 12, but I don’t see this as a disaster.

There’s a shit ton of jobs round here for teens. Pretty much every shop, cafe, pub, care home, tourist attraction are hiring.

You don’t need to be rude. I didn’t post on AIBU. And tbh I know that I need to change my approach with her for her own good. We are not the most average family you can think of. Her older and younger sisters have autism and I also do. I’m pretty sure that she is NT, however as she has sailed through school with no academic or social problems and is actually very able.

it’s very easy to judge people but it’s quite difficult for those of us who are ND to successfully deal with these things. Which is why I’m looking for advice to see how ‘most’ people do things.

My 16 year old DS started work in Feb half term of Year 11. He works in a large hotel between 12 and 18 hours per week. He's not the most motivated for GCSEs (that said he's put his head down recently as he has a conditional college offer to work towards) and hardly helps round the house so there's no correlation between them and the part time job. It's all money motivated (and actually he really enjoys working there). Does them the world of good.

Apologies if I am coming across rude. Your excuses are really frustrating me for some reason. I could have been more kind. I think it's a me thing not a you thing, my ex completely babied and spoilt his kid and it now makes me see red! Apologies.

This is the thing, she has done really well the past 2 years and also with her uni interviews. She’s also chosen a course that will very likely lead straight to a job and the university she most wants to go to said that her presentations were better than most of their second year students.

This is what makes me think that she has no excuse to be lazy because she clearly does have the skills needed to work and become more independent. Perhaps I have focussed too much on her sisters who have such high care needs and thought ‘she’s ok’.

That’s ok. I can see the points that you are making and why.

My eldest did Saturday and one evening a week in 6th form and I expect my youngest to do similar once she reaches 16. It helped DC1 grow up and mix with adults of all ages and widened his point of view. And he earned money, learnt how to do a good job and saw the importance of this. All big positives in my view. He did extra shifts during school holidays too.

DS has a part time job in our local pub/restaurant. He usually does around 12 hours a week, although is due to cut back over the exams. He started working at 17.5, but would have started at 16 if Covid hadn't appeared..

Now is a good time to start though, OP. I wouldn't worry about the past. Just go from here. Don't mention this during A levels, they start in 3 or 4 weeks and it's not the issue right now. Then, after A levels, take her out for a coffee and a chat (out of the house so no sulking) and tell her that now they are out of the way and now she's 18 you do expect things to change- she's done her A levels so there's more time for her to help around the house, and you will be asking for that, and also for her to get a job. There's tonnes around for young people at the moment due to Covid and lots of people quitting- everywhere we know is looking for staff. It is harder if she has a trust fund as the need isn't there, but just explain to her that at the very least she needs to step up at home- and what that will entail and then go from there.

I know students that were a bit babied til around this age and it hasn't stopped them working hard at uni and then getting good jobs, so all is by no means lost. I would definitely work on her life skills though- washing up, washing, cleaning etc all need to be cracked before she leaves for uni.

Not all 18 year olds have jobs, one of mine doesn't as she travels for school and is exhausted when she gets in. I asked her not to get a job as she only has two days and lots of extra study during that time, so it wasn't a good idea for her to get a job. She's done work experience, volunteering and will get a job this summer after A levels but there can be a benefit for some in concentrating on their studies depending on circumstances. One of my daughter's friends has just failed her first year of A levels and has had to quit those courses, one reason is she has to work nearly full time hours due to family situation, and that's so far from ideal.

I think doing a job can be useful but I don't think you need feel a failure as a parent if they don't have one by 14!

I always had jobs as a teen, but I can’t honestly say it contributed to a work ethic. Probably the opposite as I was too tired to give my studies my full attention.

Regardless of what others may claim, it is normal for teens to be a bit lazy and not always helpful round the house. If that’s indicative of ‘failing’ at parenting then just about everyone has!

My DS (17) has worked since he was 13 years old. He had a paper round - 6.30am start every day in all weather.

Since starting his a-levels he's worked in the local chippy 5-10pm three days a week. He was quite an introvert and it's helped massively with his confidence.

He pays a modest housekeeping and cooks dinner once a week.

I didn't "encourage " him, I told him that this is how it was going to be. My younger DS is already grumbling about the paper round he's been put down for when he turns 13 this summer. But he'll soon get used to it!

I can't understand the idea of not making your kids do anything they don't want to. In my opinion, it's setting them up for failure in adulthood. We'd all rather not work but that's life!

See it’s up to you @PinotPony but my 13 year old up and out alone at 630 on a dark morning? Insisting my teenager contributes to the ‘housekeeping’ when still at school? Not the way I want to parent, thanks.