Parents of teens & young adults ~ pursuing our own priorities after two decades of parenting!

[Calafsidentity]

Leading on from this discussion and much as we love our DCs & DPs, this is the thread where some of us parents of teens (POTs) who've had our fill of parenting drudgery & 'wife work' can support one another to move towards a life where we (depending on the life stage we're at) can prepare to, or finally put ourselves, near or at the top of the priority list after a couple of decades of facilitating the needs and wants of others, and where we encourage and help one another to develop our own individual passions, priorities, purposeful plans and pet projects which have, prior to this point, been put on the back burner!

Welcome everyone and good luck!

That does sound stressful Seeline and agree it's not practical to detach when DC are younger and need support during important exams. Especially, as you say, with the cohort who have been so badly impacted by the pandemic. So many school pupils and young adults have really suffered with it. I know very well what it is like being in the position of family "shock absorber".

I have one at home about to start first year uni exams and one away doing exams. I am supportive but I am stepping back a bit now. I reckon one at home would have to look after herself if she was away at uni and it actually helps her if she has to be more independent. I know how draining it is though Seeline to be the one that holds everything together, so hope you can steal some time away for yourself!

Oh Lord I've got a 1st year undergraduate at home too revising for exams

It's a tad stressy here atm!

Soffana I agree the worry is the most draining thing of all!

ssd what new things do you want to do, if you don't mind me asking? I don't know a lot about hrt I'm afraid. I want to learn more though as I have joint pain, fatigue, very dry skin and constant utis ATM! I watched a bit of that prog about menopause with (can't remember presenter's name - did I mention I have brain fog as well!? 😁) which seemed to suggest that hrt does help with anxiety!

PadamPadam that's such a good point about years of endless interruptions. It does knock the stuffing out of you until you think, "what's the point, it's easier not to bother". Can really identify!

Thank goodness my uni student is at uni. He is the really stressful one as he doesn't do work 😆I can deal with the stress of too much revision - not doing any really does my head in!

How much do you do for them if you don't mind me asking ChiswickFlo? I find it's a difficult balance to be supportive but not get drawn in or interfere too much. Mine does her own laundry and a lot of her own cooking. Cleans her own room ...sometimes...but I refuse to do it. I do get drawn in to giving her a lot of lifts though.

😁😁 yes it's hard watching them make mistakes Seeline that's for sure!

Very interested to hear about your history of art course PadamPadam btw! I would love to do that! Hope your ds2's injury is healing well.

Flatandhappy ooh Bali sounds amazing! I hope you had a lovely holiday! Very much deserved after your health crisis. How was it just with you and your DH if you don't mind me asking? (Not asking for intimate details obviously!) Just wondered how it would be after years of family holidays. Was it strange at all?

He's pretty good tbh.

Does his own cooking, keeps his room tidy and clean, does chores (if asked!!)

They both know the house "rules"
(Eg: Dirty clothes in laundry basket or it won't get washed, rinse and put dishes in dishwasher, put clothes away or they'll end up in the bin :))

He's very good at hoovering :)

He drives and is insured on my car so I get lifts sometimes ;)

I find it's more emotional and mh support I give these days - which can be hard when you feel low yourself.

I am dreading the house becoming like a student flat Orangesandlemons77 but it has started to take on a few aspects of that! 😀

That's really impressive ChiswickFlo you've done a good job of parenting there 😊! Your DS sounds like a really good lad!

My DD is a bit, shall we say, more chore-avoidant 😄and wraps her father around her little finger when it comes to wheedling out of things like emptying the DW or doing the bins! I despair honestly, but I try and close my eyes to the mess in her room and she does cook and do laundry, and she's good with money, so I know she can survive when she does eventually leave home!

That's a good point about emotional support. It is required of us just at the moment when we are often feeling a bit rocky and spent. It's a testing combination that's for sure!

Trying to scroll back and answer the posts I didn't get to pre-relaunch but it's quite difficult to do now that you can't "see all posts all at once" and have to go forward through pages. Why was that feature deleted , or have I missed it somewhere?

He is good, really :)

I'm a bit annoyed with him today as he was up til midnight last night finishing an essay and now (quelle surprise) has a migraine 😬🙄 Sigh.

So I'm currently helping edit his essay (soviet and Eastern bloc disintegration anyone??) and trying get it under the word limit. He also needs to choose next year's modules. He's doing joint honours so it's a pain.

I seem to be the de facto IT support, proof reader, PA and general dogs body atm for everyone 🤔

Also, my mil (who I am pretty LC with) may have parkinsons ☹️ just feel sad and will need to support dh.

Actually, "family shock absorber" is the best phrase I've heard in a long time @Calafsidentity

And @Calafsidentity , i know what i want to do. It doesn't cost money or take up anyone's time and it should be really easy to achieve for most folk. But i cant for the life of me get to grips with it.

Its stop worrying, mainly about health. Pure and simple. Or not, in my case.

Yes, that's a brilliant phrase and I'm going to start using it! It perfectly describes how I feel at the moment, squeezed between an elderly parent, teenagers and a DH who's lovely but usually has a list of things he wants me to do - we run a small business in addition to our normal jobs and there's always something!

Great idea for a thread! I'm 48 with a 14-year old, and am starting to think about post-childrearing life too. Dd will be welcome to stay/return, but I won't necessarily look to keep the home fires burning in the same way as I do now, even if she does still live at home. I intend to be out walking, cycling, visiting historical spots, taking part in archaeological digs, and I also have a couple of writing projects I want to get on with. As a LP, I expect to be flying solo - I suppose that could change, but the chances don't seem high. Dd is a sweetheart and is willing to come along with me doing things I like and we do a lot together, so I don't feel I've lost myself particularly and I'm not wanting to fast-forward through this stage, but more freedom is an enticing prospect...

Essay submitted, next year's modules chosen...phew!

I suppose I should be touched he still values my opinion on his choices (?)

He's an odd mixture of very a level headed independent guy mixed with a total disinterest in IT skills and need to talk over his decisions and get feedback (not that he always listens!)

His sibling is another kettle of fish!

My two teen DSs are quite different too, one very organised, the other a daydreamer..

Argh at the thought of exams etc continuing after school. Got first year of A levels here after doing GCSEs during covid so that is a joy.

Eldest DS may be looking at a uni course nearby which is mainly coursework- not sure whether it might suit him more..

Ds2 needs to choose his gcse options in January next year...
The merry go round starts again...argh
I try not to get too involved (sounds awful!...) but I make sure they have what they need tech wise, books, etc
I try to be supportive with revision and they have a study area.
Ds2 will not have the work ethic of ds1 and will choose very different options

I made it to book club last night so was quite pleased. I enjoyed it on the whole, although come away wondering how I came across etc. Will go again next week.

Everyone's plans sound exciting.

@Blimeyherewegoagain your set up sounds much like ours. I can also relate to @BuwchGochGota re ceding control of the remote. DD gets such a strop if it's not exactly what she wants and DH isn't as fanatical about Mary Beard and Lucy Worsley as I am 😂

I'm trying really hard to see this as a positive next step of our life but can't help feeling also that it's a downward trajectory in some ways too. It's got such an end of an era feel to it. We are a very close family and I miss them so much when they aren't here - all the noise, youth and energy feeds my soul. We redid the kitchen a couple,of years back and bought a giant table to seat everyone who just dropped in. It now mostly sits empty and DH prefers dinner on his lap in the lounge.

I'm also in the process of deciding what to do next work wise and that's unsettling. Do I just pootle around for the next 30 years, or do something more useful?

@Blimeyherewegoagain your set up sounds much like ours. I can also relate to @BuwchGochGota re ceding control of the remote. DD gets such a strop if it's not exactly what she wants and DH isn't as fanatical about Mary Beard and Lucy Worsley as I am 😂

I'm trying really hard to see this as a positive next step of our life but can't help feeling also that it's a downward trajectory in some ways too. It's got such an end of an era feel to it. We are a very close family and I miss them so much when they aren't here - all the noise, youth and energy feeds my soul. We redid the kitchen a couple,of years back and bought a giant table to seat everyone who just dropped in. It now mostly sits empty and DH prefers dinner on his lap in the lounge.

I'm also in the process of deciding what to do next work wise and that's unsettling. Do I just pootle around for the next 30 years, or do something more useful?

@Blimeyherewegoagain your set up sounds much like ours. I can also relate to @BuwchGochGota re ceding control of the remote. DD gets such a strop if it's not exactly what she wants and DH isn't as fanatical about Mary Beard and Lucy Worsley as I am 😂

I'm trying really hard to see this as a positive next step of our life but can't help feeling also that it's a downward trajectory in some ways too. It's got such an end of an era feel to it. We are a very close family and I miss them so much when they aren't here - all the noise, youth and energy feeds my soul. We redid the kitchen a couple,of years back and bought a giant table to seat everyone who just dropped in. It now mostly sits empty and DH prefers dinner on his lap in the lounge.

I'm also in the process of deciding what to do next work wise and that's unsettling. Do I just pootle around for the next 30 years, or do something more useful?

@Blimeyherewegoagain your set up sounds much like ours. I can also relate to @BuwchGochGota re ceding control of the remote. DD gets such a strop if it's not exactly what she wants and DH isn't as fanatical about Mary Beard and Lucy Worsley as I am 😂

I'm trying really hard to see this as a positive next step of our life but can't help feeling also that it's a downward trajectory in some ways too. It's got such an end of an era feel to it. We are a very close family and I miss them so much when they aren't here - all the noise, youth and energy feeds my soul. We redid the kitchen a couple,of years back and bought a giant table to seat everyone who just dropped in. It now mostly sits empty and DH prefers dinner on his lap in the lounge.

I'm also in the process of deciding what to do next work wise and that's unsettling. Do I just pootle around for the next 30 years, or do something more useful?

That is a brilliant phrase.
Just spent the morning picking up Mum, taking her home, and then to Minor Injuries. She is a very fit and energetic 80. She tripped and fell outside the hairdressers and her face is completely trashed. Really battered and bruised 🙁. She was by the GP and they patched her up, but she wasn't happy to drive home so I went and got her. I wasn't happy with her nose, so after taking her home and making a coffee, ( and looking at it for half an hour) I took her up to minor injuries.

I love them so much they have been amazing parents, but I am dreading the fact that as my youngest is growing up, they are getting more dependent.