Parents of teens & young adults ~ pursuing our own priorities after two decades of parenting!

[Calafsidentity]

Leading on from this discussion and much as we love our DCs & DPs, this is the thread where some of us parents of teens (POTs) who've had our fill of parenting drudgery & 'wife work' can support one another to move towards a life where we (depending on the life stage we're at) can prepare to, or finally put ourselves, near or at the top of the priority list after a couple of decades of facilitating the needs and wants of others, and where we encourage and help one another to develop our own individual passions, priorities, purposeful plans and pet projects which have, prior to this point, been put on the back burner!

Welcome everyone and good luck!

I(I was supposed to be working from home)

On a brighter note, dh and I are deliberately doing things together. Walking the dog in a local country park on Bank Holiday. We went to dog training last night, and we'll do that between us. It feels good to put ourselves first.

And no sax last week, it hadn't arrived, but just had a text to say it will be at band tonight, so I get my first lesson! So excited.

Dh and I are trying to doing more stuff together too...walking etc

Ds1 needs the car for the next few days (last seminars at university) so I'll be going to take mum food shopping later on.

Mum seems OK atm.

Can I join?
I’m mid 40s and have one dc at uni, one doing a levels and one GCSEs. I feel like they are harder work now than ever and I have no time. I work f/t in a demanding job and although I’m happily married to Dh, dc’s dad in pretty useless / semi absent / the dc don’t really see him and give a shit. so I feel like I’m doing it all alone. Dh is a great step dad and the dc love him and get on great, but he’s more like a mate / uncle and doesn’t do any of the parenting so to speak.

I know in theory I’m quite a young mum and have colleagues who are my age and have pre-schoolers. God forbid. our mortgage is paid off and I feel like we should be loaded and have loads of time and money for adult / me / couple time. But uni expenses, driving lessons, laptops, trainers etc drain the funds (despite the fact that all dc have part time jobs too).

I hope in 5 years I’ll be taking exotic holidays three times a year, can have a bath in peace, have loud sex (without having to wait until dc are all asleep and by that time we are knackered) and can sleep soundly at the weekend without waiting up for teens to come in from a night out etc.

Having said that I’m not naive to think that when they have all flown the nest I’ll be sad that the era is over and will likely struggle to adjust to what being a mum to adult dc is like as I have very little to do with my own parents.

Hugs to all of you still figuring out this whole motherhood thing.

Im finding it doesn't stop once they move out. Especially if they are still in the same city. I feel bad when i make us all at home a nice dinner and i know ds might be coming home to a bare fridge. I still want to feed him a good dinner. Hes busy and so are we so dropping by using public transport is rare.

My 2 teenagers actually cost me very little. DC1 at university is fully self-financing. She's lucky to be at a university where if your family has a low household income you get a top-up bursary, and she feels positively well off. Of course, the student loan is building up, but we're in Scotland and the interest rate for repayment is much lower here, thank goodness. She also makes a little additional money on a self-employed basis, using her creative skills. DC2 gets the weekly government funded 6th former maintenance allowance during term time (the one which has ended in England but still exists in Scotland). On top of that, she works 10 hours a week (for very low pay) and has found a likely summer job. She's been costing me a lot in public transport, but this has just been made free for children (too late for us really). Both my DCs buy most of their clothes and shoes from charity shops, which they love doing, and look very stylish.

Ds1 has the car today so I'm on foot 🚶‍♀️
I might get my steps in today!
He's shattered but only has 1 more day of seminars to attend

Ha, I can relate to this! DD recently passed her driving test, so I've been walking into work (30 mins each way). Keeping me in trim, plus she has sports practices and other after school activities that never seem to finish at the allocated time.

It's so nice not to have the phone call saying that they've finished early so come NOW (cue rushing out of the office to the inevitable traffic jam) or sitting in the car park for 20 mins when they run late.

Yes, it's nice isn't it?
No late night "can you pick me up mum??" ☺️

Until they start drinking 😁

Picked up the sax last Thursday.
Bloody love it, and it isn't too hard to play (I used to play clarinet, so much easier to learn)
Also had bandstand concert without dd on Sunday and I realised I really want to stay part of the band even when she goes to uni.

Feeling anxious today, DS (17) is doing mock exams and just discovered some past papers while I was tidying which seem to have been done on school and marked...only half finished and with only a few marks..silly to sit and worry really as that won't help, will perhaps try and go for a walk to get this knot out of my stomach.

Oh, I do feel for you :( so hard isn't it? I felt utterly sick every day ds1 had a gcse exam!

Ds1 has his last f2f seminar today...1st year of university done. Feels VERY odd.

He's still got an essay and 2 exams but hopefully it'll calm down a bit now!

Fab news re: saxophone 🎷 👏 😀

I'm taking time out and reading a lot more, trying to walk more and generally be a bit selfish 🙃

@steppemum so pleased the sax is working out!

DS has finished uni for the year (!) but is staying in his uni house to get extra shifts in his part time job and keep out of the way of DD whose first A level is 2 weeks today....

Ds1 looked awful last night
Dh and I are going to have to have a word...
He's exhausted

So is our ds, hes living a young person's life, burning the candle at both ends.

He has been reading and writing university essays for 2 weeks solid and its hit him I think
He got up at 11am today:) and is having today off and tomorrow going to see friends.
He's very conscientious but almost too much...
We are going to binge watch Marvel moon Knight after lunch 👍

Hello, op here, still having a few posting issues, but I was just wondering how
everyone is getting on?

And I also wanted to wish everyone well who is supporting a teen or young adult with their mocks or actual exams.
I know it is a stressful time.

I have managed to be more selfish this week and said "no" for the first time in my life to various small requests , to prioritise my own projects, and frankly, it hasn't gone down well. I've been quite surprised by the strength of reaction tbh!

I've rarely said "no" before to the request for a lift or cooking a certain food (just two examples out of many) and people don't like it when you suddenly do something uncharacteristic.
I was called "selfish" by one of my teens for not immediately getting dressed and
driving her somewhere when she was "tired" when I had been out at work all morning,
and had got in to my yoga clothes on my return home
and was just about to do an exercise video on You tube. (Her trip btw was (a) not urgent (b) walkable in less than 15 mins (c) also accessible by public transport for which she has a student pass. She went out protesting but seemed to manage fine and had totally forgotten about it when I got back.)
A work in progress I guess ... .

when she got back that should have said

Catching up with thread now ...

steppemum that's so great about the sax!

Cameleongirl and ChiswickFlo can't wait until my two start driving! Another WIP!

Dorothea3 that's excellent about the university funding and subsidised transport. My DD also helps by working PT and buys all of her clothes on Vinted. She rarely buys anything new. She looks lovely in all the second-hand vintage stuff too!

Your plans sound really interesting and exciting bibliomania. Very best of luck with them!

SSD my sister has had the same experience with her adult son (living in same city, only child) but has had to force herself to detach a bit. It sounds awful but I think sometimes they need to experience a bit of "loneliness" and/or "austerity" to spur them on to independence , otherwise there is an assumption that everything drops in their lap "ready baked" without having to work for it. Hope that doesn't sound too harsh; much easier to 'detach' in theory then in practice!

I hope you are feeling less anxious Orangesandlemons

Twobigsapphires a warm, belated welcome! Wise words there in your post!

ChiswickFlo glad you are getting out more and being more "selfish" !

steppemum it's great that you and your other half are going out together alone again as a couple! I must admit, me and dh have only just started doing this, and it's a great feeling! We went for lunch together the other day and DH said it felt "illicit" We have a rude awakening when we got back though as one of DD's friends was over having some sort of family crisis.

How is your mum feeling now after her fall?

It must be hard knowing that your parents are becoming more dependent as your teens gain their independence. Us being older parents, the dcs' grandparents were quite old when they were born, and died while they were in primary school, which was hard too but (speaking very practically and not from emotional standpoint) means we are freer now. Obviously, I would have preferred the DC to have been able to know know their GPS when they were a bit more young and active and more "themselves" though!

Apologies if I have missed anyone!

Sometimes I can post ok and other times I have to cut and paste and come in and out of site and then post (I have reported to Mumsnet HQ who were v helpful and and we think it might be a problem with my browser post site relaunch) so apologies if I have missed anyone out and please keep reporting any progress with individual pursuits and personal projects! 😁

Totally know what you mean re the saying no @Calafsidentity . But well done you.

Thanks ssd it's like they are almost bewildered that I have things of my own to do (outside of work I mean). They can't quite take it in!

It does get kick back, and teens are AMAZING at kicking back, but then they settle and work it out and sudden;y you have some space.

I love the way you reply to everyone, it is so kind. 😊

My mum is OK, full steam ahead for dad's 80th next week.

Loving my sax.....
I am also doing half an hour in the garden every morning (well, not yesterday it was raining) so weeded the strawberry bed. Cleaned out the greenhouse, weeded the front garden, it feels great. This is MY thing, and my garden always goes to the bottom of the list, so I'm prioritising 😁

We went for lunch together the other day and DH said it felt "illicit"

@Calafsidentity I love this! My DH and I experienced this when we first started sneaking off together... now we're getting used to it!

Although I did feel guilty last weekend when both DD and us went out, leaving DS (13) alone in the house for a while. He was only alone from 7:30-9 p.m. as we were out at different times, but he loved it, he played online games with his friends without parents nagging at him to get off the computer.