How bad is this: anyone willing to compare?

[Screaminglikemunch]

Name changed but long-timer here…my life with my teen (various diagnoses) is absolutely hideous but I wanted to get a sense of whether I’m personally lacking in resilience and good parenting skills or if my DD (adopted so genetic inheritance and early trauma comes into play here) would have you on your knees too.

So, she steals anything and everything that is not locked down (money, chargers, tech, sugary foods, carbs). I have a combination safe under my bed but on the occasions I forget to transfer money/sweets/treats into the safe, they are gone within seconds. I cannot ever let my guard down; every pocket and handbag is frisked for money and loose change. My home is ransacked every single time I have to leave her (I have a much younger child who need to be transported to various extra-curricular activities) in an attempt to find the above. She binge-eats to a ridiculous degree hence the need to try to restrict access to unhealthy foods. The gaslighting is so extreme that I begin to doubt myself and worry about early-onset dementia.

She is violent towards me, verbally (extremely) abusive and threatening to the extent that her much younger sibling is terrified of her and we have a drill whereby the little one knows how to flee to a neighbour for safety when things kick off.

Her hygiene is appalling and I truly believe that she is waging psychological warfare on me when she leaves used period pads hidden under my microwave (yes, honestly).

My elder DD screams like she is being murdered whenever she does not get her own way or if I challenge her about her stealing, or just because etc, to the extent that an anonymous neighbour has reported ME to the NSPCC. I had a phone call from my LA MAST team and they shut the case down without visiting once they heard our history and spoke to the safeguarding leads at both of my children’s schools.

Genuinely, I have done my best as an adoptive parent and I have fought tooth and nail for every woeful bit of pathetic support we have received from social services. Genuinely, I believe my DD has psychological problems bigger than the current multiple diagnoses she has.

I am exhausted and drained and miserable and our home is toxic and I am craving peace and quiet. My DD would happily live with a robot provided she had three square meals a day and unlimited WiFi. She wouldn’t be able to threaten to stab a robot.

I have aged about 35 years in the last 10 and I have zero pleasure in my life. Every day I’m not stabbed in my bed feels like a bonus and like I’m winning at life currently. Fucked up, no? I’ve poured my heart and soul into this child for 13 years but I’m miserable, she’s miserable and her sibling is miserable.

Genuinely, is this just part of parenting a teen, albeit an unmanageable one, or am I allowed to believe that this is extreme behaviour and there is a good reason why I am so unhappy?

I wish I knew which direction to point you in.

Early years trauma and more likely than not, full on PTSD. A teenager probably struggling with their identity, wracked with self loathing and lashing out you as you are problem and part solution all wrapped up in one. She has every right to be unhappy I'm afraid. Adoption is the trauma.

You have every right to getting her some support, the amount that's available in this country is utterly pathetic and tends to put parents at the centre of it, sadly.

Sounds like you were sold on the myth that parental love will make everything all right. You were ripped off.

How old is she? How old was she when you adopted her?

No that is not normal teen behaviour. I think you need to take her to the GP.

That is extreme OP and it’s no wonder you are struggling. I have challenging teens with diagnoses but it’s nothing like the scale you describe and I am often exhausted and feeling sorry for myself. I wish I had some advice, but the best I can offer is an acknowledgment that what you deal with is far beyond ‘normal’ teenage rebellion

Have you asked for additional help from the SS adoption team? They still have responsibilities towards you and your daughter. I'm so sorry this sounds very extreme and very hard.

Does she have an ADHD diagnosis?

This is nit normal teen behaviour, but it’s not unusual behaviour for an adopted child. I have met several adoptive families in my career who have a teen like you describe; 2 of them handed the child back to social services because they just couldn’t cope any more. the ‘hand back’ rate is somewhere between 10-15%. You sound like you are doing an awesome job, but you do need professional support. I’d start with your GP and a self referral to social services.

You must be exhausted. Demand help. Get police if need be

Get in touch with social services, OP. Tomorrow morning, ring them.
You're describing a nightmare.

Friend put her (much loved) biological DD into social care for far less difficult behaviour.

Have you had any contact with Adoption Matters? Are they able to offer any support?

You can request support from your local early help team too, you should find them by googling your local council's name and the term "early help". Also, are you in regular contact with school? I'm betting that they are experiencing similar behaviours to you. They can also link up with early help with you.

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this, but you are certainly not alone.

Not normal imo, can I ask what the multiple conditions are that she's been diagnosed with op? They may have a huge bearing on behaviour, and there might be someone here with personal experience to offer advice

So sorry, this is awful and maybe your are currently at a point it may not be safe for you and your younger child to have her at home. Can you get at least some respite care. I think if you re read what you have written you can see how extreme this is, the exit plan for your younger child, threats to stab you and your fear that she might. This isn’t safe.

Oh, so many responses, thank you. I’m so low I just wanted to type into a vacuum. I didn’t really expect anyone to listen and care!

I’m hopeless at the @-ing thing and remembering who asked/suggested what, but off the top of my head;

Yes, I agree, in my personal experience, the current adoption model in the UK is not fit for purpose. But, truly, I have done my best to be part of the solution and not part of the problem. Thirteen years in, I am a broken human being with no career, no financial security, no life and no hope.

Interesting that someone asked me about ADHD; yes, that is our latest diagnosis. But DD ‘forgets’ to take her excruciatingly expensive medication (£134 every three weeks) ie hides it under the rug in her bedroom.

It’s nice that posters feel outraged on my behalf but, honestly, there just isn’t the (quality and right) support out there for children who have experienced extreme trauma in their early years.

I don’t want to be too outing as I have posted very honestly on MN previously about my DD’s very extreme sensory impairment due to her in utero experience and she has multiple difficulties but no diagnosed learning disabilities (super smart and acing at academics).

I would love respite care but my LA does not offer it, except to foster carers and parents of severely disabled children (I don’t begrudge them this).

You say she'd be happy with 3 meals and a robot but she would still want the sugar, wouldn't she?

If she did go into care, how do you think she'd behave?

I was in the position of your younger daughter (no adoption though) so I'm coming at it from her point of view.

Don't give up hope and don't stop fighting for support for her. My DD was similar at that age, although thankfully never physically violent. She is autistic and has ADHD and so many times throughout the teenage years I genuinely contemplated suicide because of the nightmare situation. But she's now almost 30 and a fully qualified teacher and nobody believes the hell she put us through for years.

@HollowTalk

You say she'd be happy with 3 meals and a robot but she would still want the sugar, wouldn't she?

If she did go into care, how do you think she'd behave?

I was in the position of your younger daughter (no adoption though) so I'm coming at it from her point of view.

Okay, I’ve worked out how to do the linking thing.

Yes, you are right, she would still want the sugar abs would probably have access to it in care. I’m interested in your perspective as the younger sibling; what would you do?

@FatCatThinCat

Don't give up hope and don't stop fighting for support for her. My DD was similar at that age, although thankfully never physically violent. She is autistic and has ADHD and so many times throughout the teenage years I genuinely contemplated suicide because of the nightmare situation. But she's now almost 30 and a fully qualified teacher and nobody believes the hell she put us through for years.

My DD has a new ADHD diagnosis and is currently (at her school’s behest) awaiting a private assessment for ADHD with a PDA profile (school psychotherapist initial assessment). She also has a diagnosis of neonatal abstinence syndrome due to her in utero exposure to multiple drugs and has a life-altering sensory impairment as a direct consequence.

It’s good to hear that there can be light at the end of the tunnel but my tunnel currently feels as long as the Chunnel. I’m honestly not sure I’ve got the resilience or desire to stick out any more misery. I hear you re: the wanting to be dead; it’s only wanting to be around to be a decent parent to my younger child that is keeping me alive.

@HollowTalk

You say she'd be happy with 3 meals and a robot but she would still want the sugar, wouldn't she?

If she did go into care, how do you think she'd behave?

I was in the position of your younger daughter (no adoption though) so I'm coming at it from her point of view.

Honestly, as ruthless and callous as it sounds, if she did go into care, it would not be my problem about how she behaved. It’s impossible to be the only human responsible for a person who is so extremely psychologically disturbed.

That's a shame she won't take the meds because they could be life changing for all of you. So much of your post screams ADHD and makes me feel very guilty about what I put my parents through as a teen (obviously not my fault though!!!).

I pay a similar amount for my medication and funnily enough having ADHD makes it really hard to consistently take it but that's different to what's going on here by the sounds of it.

Have you looked into RAD and charities to support parents op?

@myadhdusername, thanks for taking the time to respond. Yes, you can lead the proverbial horse to water but you can’t make your very challenging teen take the excruciatingly expensive medication that could possibly make everyone’s life so much easier! I wonder how your parents managed to get through when you were a teenager?

You say there’s only support for severe disability - your dd sounds severely disabled to me.
Can you claim DLA/PIP for her? Having that may help to prove entitlement to access more support and respite.

Have you tried posting this on the Mumsnet Adoption talk? You need some specialised help.

Try

www.adoptionuk.org/

and their FASD help

www.adoptionuk.org/pages/category/fasd-month

@MyDcAreMarvel

Have you looked into RAD and charities to support parents op?

I need to look back into RAD; honestly, I sometimes feel like we could fill an A-Z compendium of diagnoses! I used to be much more switched on but dealing with all the crap (and more) detailed in my initial posting leaves me so drained. I also care for an elderly parent who is housebound and is newly diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease (apologies for the drip-feed).

We do get practical help from charities as my DD is now blind (to hell with the new user name) and we are a very low income family. To date, we have had no meaningful involvement from any properly qualified professional who can truly make a difference to us as a family.