How bad is this: anyone willing to compare?

[Screaminglikemunch]

Name changed but long-timer here…my life with my teen (various diagnoses) is absolutely hideous but I wanted to get a sense of whether I’m personally lacking in resilience and good parenting skills or if my DD (adopted so genetic inheritance and early trauma comes into play here) would have you on your knees too.

So, she steals anything and everything that is not locked down (money, chargers, tech, sugary foods, carbs). I have a combination safe under my bed but on the occasions I forget to transfer money/sweets/treats into the safe, they are gone within seconds. I cannot ever let my guard down; every pocket and handbag is frisked for money and loose change. My home is ransacked every single time I have to leave her (I have a much younger child who need to be transported to various extra-curricular activities) in an attempt to find the above. She binge-eats to a ridiculous degree hence the need to try to restrict access to unhealthy foods. The gaslighting is so extreme that I begin to doubt myself and worry about early-onset dementia.

She is violent towards me, verbally (extremely) abusive and threatening to the extent that her much younger sibling is terrified of her and we have a drill whereby the little one knows how to flee to a neighbour for safety when things kick off.

Her hygiene is appalling and I truly believe that she is waging psychological warfare on me when she leaves used period pads hidden under my microwave (yes, honestly).

My elder DD screams like she is being murdered whenever she does not get her own way or if I challenge her about her stealing, or just because etc, to the extent that an anonymous neighbour has reported ME to the NSPCC. I had a phone call from my LA MAST team and they shut the case down without visiting once they heard our history and spoke to the safeguarding leads at both of my children’s schools.

Genuinely, I have done my best as an adoptive parent and I have fought tooth and nail for every woeful bit of pathetic support we have received from social services. Genuinely, I believe my DD has psychological problems bigger than the current multiple diagnoses she has.

I am exhausted and drained and miserable and our home is toxic and I am craving peace and quiet. My DD would happily live with a robot provided she had three square meals a day and unlimited WiFi. She wouldn’t be able to threaten to stab a robot.

I have aged about 35 years in the last 10 and I have zero pleasure in my life. Every day I’m not stabbed in my bed feels like a bonus and like I’m winning at life currently. Fucked up, no? I’ve poured my heart and soul into this child for 13 years but I’m miserable, she’s miserable and her sibling is miserable.

Genuinely, is this just part of parenting a teen, albeit an unmanageable one, or am I allowed to believe that this is extreme behaviour and there is a good reason why I am so unhappy?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Yes, she stayed in touch with them. She had a baby at about 24 and settled about 8 miles or so from her adoptive parents. I think they became much closer after that.

Thank you, it’s heartening to know that there could be a more stable and positive future for my DD.

@notanicepersonapparently

I'm an adoptive mother. We desperately needed respite care for our eldest child and we're told that the only way we could do this was to put them into care. We initially had one evening a week respite which was a godsend. A year or so later they went into foster care than then when that broke down into supported accommodation. We have a respectful relationship now. An odd term to use but accurate. I suppose im trying to reassure you that this step which may feel like an ending may be a way forward. I have no relationship with their two younger siblings. I soldiered on with them but once they were adult they both left home of their own accord and didn't want anything more to do with me. So they would count as a successfull adoption although it doesn't seem like it to me.

@notanicepersonapparently, loving the user name! Thanks so much for sharing your personal story. Your line about an ending being a way forward has really resonated with me. As a family, we’re so stuck in a really negative, toxic and dysfunctional dynamic that my fear is that my girls are having a worse experience than they would if they had stayed with their birth families, if that makes sense?

A respectful relationship would seem like a win-win to me. I’m sorry to hear about the breakdown of the relationships with your younger adoptive children. Truly, I think that many children in the care system cannot cope with the reality of living in functional families. We are only human although we practise extreme parenting and we all are committed to trying our very best.

@izzy2076, @DragonOverTheMoon, not strictly relevant to the thread but I find it interesting (and heartening) that given your separate experiences of adoption and foster care, you have chosen the careers you have. I am sure you bring an extra dimension of empathy and consideration to the families with whom you work. Thank you!

I know a very loving couple that adopted children many years ago. The eldest adopted son had a lot of problems, as an adult he was in and out of prison, had drug addiction issues etc. very sad, they tried everything to help him, never gave up on him, but never found the answer. Hugs to you OP

[quote Screaminglikemunch]**@izzy2076, @DragonOverTheMoon, not strictly relevant to the thread but I find it interesting (and heartening) that given your separate experiences of adoption and foster care, you have chosen the careers you have. I am sure you bring an extra dimension of empathy and consideration to the families with whom you work. Thank you![/quote]
That's a nice thing to hear. I'm actually quite open about my experience with the looked after children I work with. My childhood/ story wasn't great, and I did go a bit nuts at various points in my life but I was very different from brother. I feel that being reasonably bright/academic was a huge protective factor and that's why I'm heartened to hear your daughter is doing well at school. Or was. There must be an intrinsic motivation to do well, which is huge. Although this is of course not the whole story. This is why the school needs to step up as it could be the thing that stops her from self sabotaging completely.

Sending you so much love. You sound great.

Hi OP.

I’ve NC as didn’t want this to connect with my other posts no advice really just solidarity, I’m a Stepparent to a teenager and a young primary school child although not the same, we are currently struggling with teenager who has ADHD, on strong meds and no trauma like your DD. They are violent, abuse their younger sibling every day, has injured, most of the time we have to drag them off their sibling, and lock them out the room, not only that but they are smashing things up in the neighbourhood, terrorising vulnerable people in the community, spitting at anyone who tells them no, has made death threats towards my newborn several times(I lock my newborn and myself in our bedroom at night even though I know they are probably just saying it for a reaction I would never risk it), will openly talk really sexually, with absolutely vulgar threats and language and show their younger sibling really inappropriate videos to the point the younger sibling has started re-enacting this at school etc and this is without the somewhat ‘normal’ teenage behaviour, they are a nightmare, SS are involved but do sweet FA to help, we share care with their mum so atleast we and their mum both get respite but it is so draining, I dread every time they come but their dad doesn’t want to not give their mum a break as she gets it way worse. We have tried every channel and nobody is interested and it’s an absolutely impossible situation. It started getting bad about a year ago, we’ve recently been given access to some specialised counselling for them after kicking and screaming so hopefully that may improve it, just don’t know when that will be.

I really hope you get some help with your DD, even if that means her going back into the care system, she is obviously very troubled and it’s very sad it has come to this point where you just can’t do it anymore, I applaud you for coping for so long.

Good luck with that phone call tomorrow OP.
I have the utmost respect for foster carers and adoptive parents.

I once had a very brief chat in a social situation with someone whose day job was as a therapist, They happened to mention how sometimes if we are in a difficult situation we place blame not where it belongs. but where is feels safe to do so. The classic example of this in my opinion would be blaming the other woman when our partner has an affair. I've wondered whether this is how we get stuck in such a dysfunctional relationship with our kids. They feel the hurt of what they see as a rejection by their birth mother, which has very negative consequences for their self esteem. (I must be a bad person for them to not look after me...) It doesn't feel safe to direct this rage at the birth mother, so it gets directed at the mother who is present and who won't reject them, These are just my thoughts and I've never seen this mentioned as a theory anywhere.

@NC498

Hi OP.

I’ve NC as didn’t want this to connect with my other posts no advice really just solidarity, I’m a Stepparent to a teenager and a young primary school child although not the same, we are currently struggling with teenager who has ADHD, on strong meds and no trauma like your DD. They are violent, abuse their younger sibling every day, has injured, most of the time we have to drag them off their sibling, and lock them out the room, not only that but they are smashing things up in the neighbourhood, terrorising vulnerable people in the community, spitting at anyone who tells them no, has made death threats towards my newborn several times(I lock my newborn and myself in our bedroom at night even though I know they are probably just saying it for a reaction I would never risk it), will openly talk really sexually, with absolutely vulgar threats and language and show their younger sibling really inappropriate videos to the point the younger sibling has started re-enacting this at school etc and this is without the somewhat ‘normal’ teenage behaviour, they are a nightmare, SS are involved but do sweet FA to help, we share care with their mum so atleast we and their mum both get respite but it is so draining, I dread every time they come but their dad doesn’t want to not give their mum a break as she gets it way worse. We have tried every channel and nobody is interested and it’s an absolutely impossible situation. It started getting bad about a year ago, we’ve recently been given access to some specialised counselling for them after kicking and screaming so hopefully that may improve it, just don’t know when that will be.

I really hope you get some help with your DD, even if that means her going back into the care system, she is obviously very troubled and it’s very sad it has come to this point where you just can’t do it anymore, I applaud you for coping for so long.

@NC498, lots of love, empathy and solidarity to you. We are parenting traumatised children in extreme circumstances. I would strongly suggest, if it’s not too impertinent, that you consider seeking a diagnosis of ASC with either a PDA or ODD profile. ADHD tends to go hand in hand with ASC conditions. Your DSS strongly reminds me of how my DD acts out.

@NCTDN

Good luck with that phone call tomorrow OP. I have the utmost respect for foster carers and adoptive parents.

@NC498, thank you. I’m dreading it but I know what has to be done for the greater good of my family.

My son is adopted and he was a nightmare at 13. He was a nightmare from day one to be brutally honest, but from age 10 to 14, living with him was like being trapped in a horror film, sheer hell. Then he got to 15 and he just changed overnight - it was like a switch went on and he suddenly became thoughtful and compliant. He’s in his final year at university now and doing better than I ever could have imagined when he was 13.

None of this might be relevant to your situation, OP, but I just wanted to give you another perspective. I would try the boarding school thing if I were you. While not ideal, it will be a thousand times better for your daughter than foster care, and it will give you the respite you need without throwing in your cards entirely, which could turn out to be the biggest regret of your life when you look back in 20 years.

@anonymousobserver

My son is adopted and he was a nightmare at 13. He was a nightmare from day one to be brutally honest, but from age 10 to 14, living with him was like being trapped in a horror film, sheer hell. Then he got to 15 and he just changed overnight - it was like a switch went on and he suddenly became thoughtful and compliant. He’s in his final year at university now and doing better than I ever could have imagined when he was 13.

None of this might be relevant to your situation, OP, but I just wanted to give you another perspective. I would try the boarding school thing if I were you. While not ideal, it will be a thousand times better for your daughter than foster care, and it will give you the respite you need without throwing in your cards entirely, which could turn out to be the biggest regret of your life when you look back in 20 years.

@anonymousobserver, I recognise that feeling of being trapped in a horror movie. Thank you for your insight.

I would love to be able to access the specialist boarding school appropriate for my DD (who is registered blind because of the drugs her birth mother took when pregnant) but I can’t afford it, mainly due to having to give up a good career to care for DD. Honestly, given that I have been fighting for years for an EHCP needs assessment for my DD who could fill an A-Z compendium of diagnoses, there is no way my LA will be paying the £80K pa for my DD to attend the right school for her.

Reapply for an EHCNA and appeal if refused. The vast majority of refusal to assess appeals are upheld.

Did you get that phone call today?

@NCTDN

Did you get that phone call today?

@NCTDN, thanks for thinking of us. Yes, I got THE call first thing and then a visit from TWO children’s assessment team social workers this afternoon. It was like a police interrogation, good cop/bad cop; one talking and one writing!

The inside of my mouth is now sore from the silent chewing rather than going full-on fishwife. A high point of the meeting was when ‘good cop’ asked if it’d been mentioned to me during the adoption process that children who have been removed from their birth parents will present with difficulties during their teenage years. No words were necessary in response, I think the raised eyebrow spoke for me. 😅

Parenting courses etc were mentioned. Both eyebrows got a fantastic workout. I hope to have erased about a million adoption-related wrinkles and face creases in a facial workout.

Facial workouts sound good!!
Did you reach any sort of conclusion?

@NCTDN

Facial workouts sound good!! Did you reach any sort of conclusion?

No, no conclusion apart from assessment-assessment-assessment/let’s try to reinvent the wheel/we need to speak to school etc etc.

I am so sorry. I offered to tell a SW I hit my DD to get support. She said she couldn't write it in her report because she knew it wasn't true but it did enough to make sure we did get the respite.

It's sad that the system is set up this way.

How incredibly infuriating for you. I'm so sorry.

"My plants keep dying, I can't work out what's wrong!"
"Have you ever read about the need to water plants in hot weather?"
""

Hi - I am new to these boards but just wanted to say I am an adoptive mum of two teenage girls. They have been with me 9 years now and the teenage years are soul destroying! We called social services in when you youngest (13 at the time) became violent to me (police involved multiple times) went missing and generally showed risky behaviour. After months of waiting we finally had a psychologist assessment but 5 months later still waiting for funding for therapy. Currently we have not seen social worker for over 2 months and she ignores my calls and texts.
Eldest (nearly 18)has moved out after getting in with a crowd of kids a bit older than her, who all have family issues. Attachment to the wrong people had been a massive issue for my kids and we have had no help since they came to us.
We have had stealing, lying and eldest even got involved with a guy who got sent to prison and 10 years older than her - but of course denies any involvement!
I am at the point where I have had enough - I had to threaten that I wanted my youngest taken back into care to get any interest from the social services.There needs to be more, ongoing help for these kids and the wider family as it’s heartbreaking for all concerned

I didn't want to read and run as I have been in a very similar situation. I'm sorry - I'm off out in 10 minutes so haven't had chance to read the whole thread.

What you are describing is hell and as you know, there just isn't the support out there for children with RAD. My two adopted daughters are now 19 and 21 and their teenage years were horrific. The eldest lied (mainly about my husband sexually abusing her - not true) to get negative attention and stole and was just a complete nightmare. We thought about foster care many times but eventually made it through to 16 when she started college and we chose one where she could board Monday to Thursday (offloading her I know but boy did it make a difference to our lives!). She eventually dropped out of college and went to live with a boyfriend. Apart from a couple of visits over the past 4 years we don't really have much contact with her - I message/ring her and she replies if she wants to. Usually if she wants something.

The younger one was a nightmare in a completely different way - running away from school and home constantly. Her school were excellent so I did feel that I had some support there. She left school, got a job and became a completely different person - we are now incredibly close.

There is little to no support out there. Both were referred to CAMHS who have no knowledge of RAD at all so were completely useless. Our social services were excellent but other than a listening ear couldn't actually do anything. I have to say, my friends got me through it - I must have bored them for hours.

I cant really offer you any advice other than whatever you has to be right for you and your younger daughter. Your eldest, should she go into foster care will be offered support as she will then be back in the system so maybe that is the right way to go for all of you.

Well done for sticking it out so far - its bloody hard and as soon as those adoption papers are signed they just abandon you!

@Aloneagain258 , thank you so much for posting and sharing your story. I’m sorry for you that you’ve had a rough time. Let’s face it, we’re not in the minority. A high proportion of adoptions do seem to fall apart in the teenage years.

The stealing and lying. About everything. It’s relentless, isn’t it? I have a combination safe box under my bed, to hide any cash and sugar. But I am so consistently and relentlessly gaslit that I can’t remember the access code! Honestly, I worry about the long term effect on my cognitive abilities as I fear that dealing with DD’s extreme lies and gaslighting has knocked several years off my brainpower.

@Screaminglikemunch - I feel your pain! Having to hide things in your own home gets a bit wearing and just isn’t right! Must say, with eldest now out of the house the mood is much lighter and I am getting more sleep 😴

A friend has a lovely positive grand parenting relationship with her daughter and her children, after years of angst, regular police involvement, threats etc.

It's been a long, heartbreaking road with all the problems you describe. Some time was spent with the daughter living in residential care.
They've arrived at a place of relative stability, since the daughter moved out to have her baby.
There is hope.

@Screaminglikemunch Gosh I just want to give you a big hug. This all sounds like such an ordeal. My DD has developmental trauma and has presented with difficult behaviour over the years but not to the extent you're describing. We've had ''help'' from SS but it's not been worth the paper it's printed on to be frank and there have been times when I've felt I simply cannot go on. My DD presents differently to yours in that she is not violent (anymore) and does not steal.. anyway I won't bore you with my situation but wanted to share something that DID help us - therapeutic parenting & non-violent resistance communication. There are lots of resources at:

www.beaconhouse.org.uk