How bad is this: anyone willing to compare?

[Screaminglikemunch]

Name changed but long-timer here…my life with my teen (various diagnoses) is absolutely hideous but I wanted to get a sense of whether I’m personally lacking in resilience and good parenting skills or if my DD (adopted so genetic inheritance and early trauma comes into play here) would have you on your knees too.

So, she steals anything and everything that is not locked down (money, chargers, tech, sugary foods, carbs). I have a combination safe under my bed but on the occasions I forget to transfer money/sweets/treats into the safe, they are gone within seconds. I cannot ever let my guard down; every pocket and handbag is frisked for money and loose change. My home is ransacked every single time I have to leave her (I have a much younger child who need to be transported to various extra-curricular activities) in an attempt to find the above. She binge-eats to a ridiculous degree hence the need to try to restrict access to unhealthy foods. The gaslighting is so extreme that I begin to doubt myself and worry about early-onset dementia.

She is violent towards me, verbally (extremely) abusive and threatening to the extent that her much younger sibling is terrified of her and we have a drill whereby the little one knows how to flee to a neighbour for safety when things kick off.

Her hygiene is appalling and I truly believe that she is waging psychological warfare on me when she leaves used period pads hidden under my microwave (yes, honestly).

My elder DD screams like she is being murdered whenever she does not get her own way or if I challenge her about her stealing, or just because etc, to the extent that an anonymous neighbour has reported ME to the NSPCC. I had a phone call from my LA MAST team and they shut the case down without visiting once they heard our history and spoke to the safeguarding leads at both of my children’s schools.

Genuinely, I have done my best as an adoptive parent and I have fought tooth and nail for every woeful bit of pathetic support we have received from social services. Genuinely, I believe my DD has psychological problems bigger than the current multiple diagnoses she has.

I am exhausted and drained and miserable and our home is toxic and I am craving peace and quiet. My DD would happily live with a robot provided she had three square meals a day and unlimited WiFi. She wouldn’t be able to threaten to stab a robot.

I have aged about 35 years in the last 10 and I have zero pleasure in my life. Every day I’m not stabbed in my bed feels like a bonus and like I’m winning at life currently. Fucked up, no? I’ve poured my heart and soul into this child for 13 years but I’m miserable, she’s miserable and her sibling is miserable.

Genuinely, is this just part of parenting a teen, albeit an unmanageable one, or am I allowed to believe that this is extreme behaviour and there is a good reason why I am so unhappy?

@OutsideVoice

You say there’s only support for severe disability - your dd sounds severely disabled to me. Can you claim DLA/PIP for her? Having that may help to prove entitlement to access more support and respite.

@OutsideVoice, thanks for your concern; believe me, my child is so far from being considered to have a severe disability, that she has been refused an EHCP needs assessment by my LA.

I'm sorry, I just meant do you think her behaviour would be as bad. I really do wish you well 💐

My dd has autism and developed symptoms of psychosis as a teenager. She was violent and aggressive towards me our quality of life was zero. I was calling the police regularly when she attacked me.

I was broken and wanted to drive us both off a cliff into oblivion. Dramatic but true!

She was eventually sectioned and I said she couldn't come home. I loved her like I've never loved anyone before. Her dad had died, I was her everything. I knew I couldn't do this on my own.

She left the MH unit to a very small residential home with 3 other young people. I visited every weekend. She thrived and I got respite.

I then played the long game, pushed for a residential college, which she got. It was incredible.

When she left there she was given a supported living placement. She thrived.

She is now 22, comes home every weekend. Loving, caring and not aggressive at all. Developing independence and thriving.

I didn't "give up" on my child. I did every thing in my power to give her a chance at life.

That had to be away from me and I put my head on the pillow at night knowing that was the right thing.

It's taken me years and a fair bit of counselling to come to terms with why I had to do what I did.

Don't do this alone, don't be afraid to hand over responsibility to someone else. It's not weakness, it's incredible strength. It's survival for you all.

“ OutsideVoice, thanks for your concern; believe me, my child is so far from being considered to have a severe disability, that she has been refused an EHCP needs assessment by my LA.”

It’s typical for EHCPs to be refused.
Contact IPSEA and SOSSEN for advice and apply yourself - my son has PDA and every school refused to assess as he was fine . I did it myself and he has a fantastic EHCP now. Honestly, it feels like schools and LAs are so obstructive when it comes to helping children, it’s horrible!
With ds, the educational psychologist the LA assigned us was great and suggested other avenues of help.

Depending on how old she is I would definitely apply for PIP (over 16) or DLA (under 16). It is needs based, and I imagine you have more than enough evidence. Cerebra online have/had a handy guide for claiming.

@Thornrose I remember you from your posts years ago, I’m so happy you and your dd are thriving! 💐

@Thornrose

My dd has autism and developed symptoms of psychosis as a teenager. She was violent and aggressive towards me our quality of life was zero. I was calling the police regularly when she attacked me.

I was broken and wanted to drive us both off a cliff into oblivion. Dramatic but true!

She was eventually sectioned and I said she couldn't come home. I loved her like I've never loved anyone before. Her dad had died, I was her everything. I knew I couldn't do this on my own.

She left the MH unit to a very small residential home with 3 other young people. I visited every weekend. She thrived and I got respite.

I then played the long game, pushed for a residential college, which she got. It was incredible.

When she left there she was given a supported living placement. She thrived.

She is now 22, comes home every weekend. Loving, caring and not aggressive at all. Developing independence and thriving.

I didn't "give up" on my child. I did every thing in my power to give her a chance at life.

That had to be away from me and I put my head on the pillow at night knowing that was the right thing.

It's taken me years and a fair bit of counselling to come to terms with why I had to do what I did.

Don't do this alone, don't be afraid to hand over responsibility to someone else. It's not weakness, it's incredible strength. It's survival for you all.

@Thornrose, thank you so much. As a confirmed singleton, I read the multiple daily MN posts about abusive and controlling partners and I am horrified by what some women have to endure in their relationships. I know it’s not comparing like for like, but it recently struck me that there is no way I would tolerate in a romantic relationship what I have to suffer in my child/parent relationship. It’s shaming to admit that your child is violent to you.

I think the truth about what I need to do (to protect my younger child, preserve some semblance of a family unit, and save my last remaining vestiges of sanity) is becoming more and more apparent.

@OutsideVoice oh thank you for remembering us 😊 I got so much support on here during those dark times. I feel as though I want to give something back.

@Screaminglikemunch yes child on parent violence is the last taboo. The shame and the helplessness is soul destroying.

Honestly, talking to my 22 year old amazing girl now. She has no bitterness or anger at my choices. She fully understands why I had to do what I did.

@Thornrose That is such an incredible thing to read. I hope you, @Screaminglikemunch find your light at the end of the tunnel. I have a 13 year old DD who has Autism and I find very challenging but nothing like what you have described. Hats off to you - you have done this alone for too long though.

I think you need to take all help that offered. The last time my DD was violent towards me we rang the police, she’d had warnings and it was a last resort after 2 hours of what you describe - they came and spoke to her took her to the hospital for an assessment (she looked frightened and asked me to go with her) she never ever has been violent or verbally abusive since. Now I’m not saying this would work for every child but I think the shock worked.

@BluebellsGreenbells, I have actually contacted my local police force in the hope that an officer might speak to DD about the long-term ramifications of her persistent and prolific stealing. I didn’t even get a reply.

Things have come to a head today as reflecting on the responses I received here, I have come to realise that I am living in an extreme situation. Essentially, my younger DD and I are trapped in a domestic abuse situation but because the abuser is a child, I feel like I’m expected to put up and shut up. If I moved an adult abuser into my home, I would be found wanting by agencies and professionals and judged accordingly.

So, this morning, after a torrid night of extreme verbal abuse and explosive outbursts, I phoned the head of SEND at DD’s school and gave her notice that I would be telephoning more formally tomorrow to advise that I would be making my daughter homeless and be seeking to have her accommodated by the local authority under a Section 20 order. The school’s designated safeguarding lead phoned me within the hour, having consulted the LA MAST team, to discuss matters and I gave her chapter and verse on the full horrific story of the past few years, no gory detail spared. I would still be talking now - nine hours later - but the DSL, a vice-principal of the school, was, fortuitously for her, saved by the fire alarm bell!

I am advised that an urgent referral is being made to the LA in an attempt to secure support to keep us together as a family. Meanwhile, back in the real world where there is no actual proper help for families like mine in crisis, I received an email letter from a service manager in the adoption support agency to inform me that there would be a LONG wait for an assessment of needs, due to unprecedented demand on the services (yup, that will be all those poor adopter suckers who were sold the dream of a happy family and are now buckling under the intense strain of trying to manage the extreme behaviours of some of society’s most traumatised children, armed only with a few short training courses!).

Anyway, since she’s arrived home from school at 4.15pm, DD (can the initial ‘D’ stand for ‘dastardly’?) has told me to go forth and multiply 49 times; I’m keeping a five-bar gate chart (for no other reason than when life gives you lemons and all that).

My cousin made her DD take her ADHD meds (& the bc pill, actually) in front of cousin, every morning. this only worked until kid was 18, and kid wasn't going to be violent about this issue, anyway.

@lljkk, yes, I have been doing the same, only my DD has apparently been taking the pills x 2, pretending to swallow and then spitting them out in her bedroom to hide them under her rug. I’m not a doozy, honest, but when you’re a fundamentally honest and trusting person, you just assume that the norm would be for people to want to take the medication that will actually improve their lives and life chances. For anyone over the age of five, that is.

The definition of mental illness is when people stop making decisions that are good for them, sadly.

Please prioritise yourself -- and don't feel guilty about it. You're no good to anyone if you don't protect your own sanity.

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/b095rs05

This podcast from File on 4 is about adoptive families and the lack of support for them.

You may, or may not, want to listen to it.

I have friends who adopted a brother and sister aged 1 and 3 who had been born to alcohol and drug dependent parents in terrible circumstances.They were removed when the boy was 8 months old and the girl 2 1/2.

The girl grew up with few problems- low self-esteem and pregnant at 17 but has been happily with her partner since then. Is sociable, well-balanced, happy.

The boy destroyed their marriage. He was a lovely toddler but by 4 so many problems emerged- continual lying, damaging everything and anything, unable to concentrate, wild tantrums, Walter Mitty stories, putting himself in real danger (surfing on top of electric trains at 11), truancy, stealing from friends and family, drugs, arrested for huge graffiti on buildings, violence against them, telling lies to the police. He took their bank cards and spent thousands, stole his mum's jewellery- which had been her mum's- and sold it, stole cars, stole their car, started fires. They had locks on doors and the loft hatch and he just broke into things. It was unbelievable and destroyed them. He wouldn't wash or wear clean clothes, hung around with gangs and was incredibly vulnerable and would do anything any of them asked- selling drugs, stealing cars. He lives DH and we have tried to help and DH used to ask him round for his tea, play football with him on the playing field, chat to him- and he stole DH's wallet and watch- our friend brought them back mortified.

He stopped going to school at 14, has no qualifications and has never been able to hold down a job. He then became terribly depressed and has tried several times, seriously, to kill himself.

He is in his early 20s now, diagnosed with ADHD. He is a nice lad- sounds hard to believe but he is. He loves feeling secure and being with people who love him. He's funny, kind, thoughtful but so self-destructive.

They love him and care for him and support him but he is now in a deep depression and, apart from the lies, all the other behaviours have stopped. It's terrible seeing what has happened to him, to all of them.

They have not had a jot of help from social services since he was two apart from a social worker took him out for his tea twice when their marriage broke up and then said they could not do any more. They have tried everything to get him help but it is as if there is no one willing to provide any sustained help- it is all short term and he just reverts. A psychiatrist says it is deep trauma from pre and post birth. It feels like its permanent. I can't believe there is no help available.

@LuluBlakey1 the lack of support is a fucking disgrace. Also the prejudice towards families that have found it difficult. Any bursting of the bubble and the adoptees bear the brunt of the blame. Thank you for seeing it for what it is.

The rates of suicide, mental illness and the like in the adoptee community knock most others into a cocked hat (and by extension the trauma ripples out to people like your friend and the OP)

@Screaminglikemunch I hope things go well but beware of the offers of support and how long term and sustainable they are.

I dropped my dd at the Social Services office with an overnight bag once.(I sound like a monster but I think this is a safe thread to be open and honest on!)

Miraculously they found her an overnight placement and respite carers came into our home for a couple of hours each day after that.

This was after being told there was no respite available under any circumstances

Sadly at this stage it was like a sticking plaster on an amputated limb!

I work with children who are adopted and the lack of support is an absolute disgrace.

@Thornrose, yes, the packed bag and dropped off at the LA’s children’s services HQ is next on my list. So, after phoning school at 9am yesterday, and the DSL and the SENCO submitting an urgent referral within the hour…a social worker from MAST finally rang me at 5pm today. School had already rung me to check if I’d heard anything and literally could not believe that no one had been in touch any sooner. It’s a selective grammar school in a very middle class area and I doubt they have ever had to deal with anything like this before. They were shocked at the lack of response. You and I know better, as does everyone else on this thread.

Yes, nothing surprises me sadly.

I could write a book about the terrible things we went through

Wow this sounds awful. I’m so sorry you are having to cope with this on your own. Until the LA steps up and actually offers real help, could you make a small change just to survive.
I mean, it’s admirable that you want to provide healthy meals for your Dd but to make life just that little easier for you, why not just buy all that crap and sugar. Put a basket of stuff in her room or out in the kitchen and let her eat whatever. Let her eat sweets/crisps for breakfast if she wants. It’s not ideal no, but it’s one less thing to manage. Its a small issue that you could let go for now, in order to have one less battle.

I hope you are okay OP and you get the support you so desperately need soon

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Hope you are getting some help for her and you now.

As someone struggling to conceive and considering adoption, this is a very sobering thread to read. Wishing you lots of luck OP and well done for contacting the school.

I am going to just come out and say it. You should hand her over to the authorities and tell them that you no longer want to parent her. It's called a disrupted adoption I think. I imagine that the authorities knew a lot more about how likely these issues were than they ever told you. You have to save yourself and your younger child who shouldn't have to flee to the neighbour. Parenthood should not be this hard and you cannot save this girl. Don't listen to any rubbish about securing support to keep you together as a family. Life with her is not a family - its a violent endurance course. You and your younger child deserve a decent life and you're not going to get it with her in the house. You're just not and it sounds as if she dislikes you a lot too.

One of my teen's was difficult and I found that very upsetting but nothing like this.

@Sweepingeyelashes. I hinted at it. Thank you for being blunt. I do think your suggestion is the only option.

How are you OP? I feel for you. I have a 13 yo who has displayed some very challenging behaviour but nothing on this level and I’ve been almost broken by it all.

I ageee with previous posters, time to lay it all out with social services. You can’t go on like this.