How bad is this: anyone willing to compare?

[Screaminglikemunch]

Name changed but long-timer here…my life with my teen (various diagnoses) is absolutely hideous but I wanted to get a sense of whether I’m personally lacking in resilience and good parenting skills or if my DD (adopted so genetic inheritance and early trauma comes into play here) would have you on your knees too.

So, she steals anything and everything that is not locked down (money, chargers, tech, sugary foods, carbs). I have a combination safe under my bed but on the occasions I forget to transfer money/sweets/treats into the safe, they are gone within seconds. I cannot ever let my guard down; every pocket and handbag is frisked for money and loose change. My home is ransacked every single time I have to leave her (I have a much younger child who need to be transported to various extra-curricular activities) in an attempt to find the above. She binge-eats to a ridiculous degree hence the need to try to restrict access to unhealthy foods. The gaslighting is so extreme that I begin to doubt myself and worry about early-onset dementia.

She is violent towards me, verbally (extremely) abusive and threatening to the extent that her much younger sibling is terrified of her and we have a drill whereby the little one knows how to flee to a neighbour for safety when things kick off.

Her hygiene is appalling and I truly believe that she is waging psychological warfare on me when she leaves used period pads hidden under my microwave (yes, honestly).

My elder DD screams like she is being murdered whenever she does not get her own way or if I challenge her about her stealing, or just because etc, to the extent that an anonymous neighbour has reported ME to the NSPCC. I had a phone call from my LA MAST team and they shut the case down without visiting once they heard our history and spoke to the safeguarding leads at both of my children’s schools.

Genuinely, I have done my best as an adoptive parent and I have fought tooth and nail for every woeful bit of pathetic support we have received from social services. Genuinely, I believe my DD has psychological problems bigger than the current multiple diagnoses she has.

I am exhausted and drained and miserable and our home is toxic and I am craving peace and quiet. My DD would happily live with a robot provided she had three square meals a day and unlimited WiFi. She wouldn’t be able to threaten to stab a robot.

I have aged about 35 years in the last 10 and I have zero pleasure in my life. Every day I’m not stabbed in my bed feels like a bonus and like I’m winning at life currently. Fucked up, no? I’ve poured my heart and soul into this child for 13 years but I’m miserable, she’s miserable and her sibling is miserable.

Genuinely, is this just part of parenting a teen, albeit an unmanageable one, or am I allowed to believe that this is extreme behaviour and there is a good reason why I am so unhappy?

Hi. Sorry if misses this but have you gone back to the authority you adopted her from. They should give support

@Mysteryclub

Wow this sounds awful. I’m so sorry you are having to cope with this on your own. Until the LA steps up and actually offers real help, could you make a small change just to survive. I mean, it’s admirable that you want to provide healthy meals for your Dd but to make life just that little easier for you, why not just buy all that crap and sugar. Put a basket of stuff in her room or out in the kitchen and let her eat whatever. Let her eat sweets/crisps for breakfast if she wants. It’s not ideal no, but it’s one less thing to manage. Its a small issue that you could let go for now, in order to have one less battle.

I hope you are okay OP and you get the support you so desperately need soon

@Mysteryclub, thanks for your concern. I hear what you are saying; unfortunately, if I provided DD with a basket of sugar and crap, it would all be consumed in one sitting. She is a binge eater and has no ‘off’ button when it comes to unhealthy foods.

Ah, screaming. This sounds so familiar. I had to end a fostering placement which was headed this way. The children did better without me- though I don't know a lot about it, as I was cut out of their life. I think mine needed a reset. I'd spent years telling them I was there for them, and they lost sight of me as a person with feelings. I was a piece of support furniture, I think. It was devastating. I was ill for two years. I don't think my DH and DC have fully recovered from their own experiences. They are quite guarded, emotionally.
We were foster carers. We had more support than you have. Our DC didn't get to the point your DD did (though there were two of them tag teaming their rage!).

@TonksInPurple, thank you.

@JulesRimetStillGleaming, some adoptive families do manage to dodge a bullet and manage happy and successful adoptive family life. Please don’t let my story put you off but please go into adoption with your eyes wide open, read and research as much as possible and, if you do adopt, screw the placing authority down for a watertight package of support.

@Sweepingeyelashes, I DID tell the MAST team that I cannot endure any more of my DD’s extreme behaviours and that I wanted to explore relinquishing her under a Section 20 order. I have to tread very carefully as adoptive parents in my position can be threatened with prosecution for child abandonment. Also, I worry that I will be threatened with the removal of my much younger DD on safeguarding grounds. I’ve not really touched on DD2 in any of my earlier threads but her headteacher had, prior to me pressing the nuclear button, made a referral to CAMHS because she has started to lash out at her classmates in anger. There is suspected ADHD but obviously she is witnessing her elder sister’s outbursts.

@EisforEmergency, yes, I hear what you are saying and I’m honestly not burying my head in the sand but there is due process to go through. Also, I made a legal commitment 13 years ago to do my best for my DD who fundamentally is a traumatised and triggered child. I need to have a clear conscience and know that I’ve done everything I can to help improve her life chances.

Anyway, I’m afraid there is nothing to report as no one from MAST has been back in touch with me since the ‘urgent’ referral of last Tuesday.

@picklemewalnuts

Ah, screaming. This sounds so familiar. I had to end a fostering placement which was headed this way. The children did better without me- though I don't know a lot about it, as I was cut out of their life. I think mine needed a reset. I'd spent years telling them I was there for them, and they lost sight of me as a person with feelings. I was a piece of support furniture, I think. It was devastating. I was ill for two years. I don't think my DH and DC have fully recovered from their own experiences. They are quite guarded, emotionally. We were foster carers. We had more support than you have. Our DC didn't get to the point your DD did (though there were two of them tag teaming their rage!).

@picklemewalnuts, yes, I get you re: the ‘reset’; I believe this is what my daughter needs too. I genuinely don’t think she can manage the demands and intensity of living in a ‘normal’ family life. The pathological demand avoidance profile of her (as yet not officially diagnosed) autism means she operates from a position of resistance to any and every demand made upon her. It is so wearing.

Also, I used to be a foster carer so I know how much more support there is in the world of fostering and how it is deemed much more acceptable for placements to end if they are not working, even though breakdowns do take their toll as you rightly say.

Oh OP sending you lots of love and support. Are you on Facebook? If so do join the “A&F Podcast #Conversations” group. Al Coates (co-founder of the group and The Adoption and Fostering Podcast) will be a great person to provide some guidance and support on child in parent violence in families made through adoption.

Can the adoption support fund help in anyway?

She obviously needs help. Therapeutic life story work is great qhen placements are at breaking point like this. See if you can get Richard Rose.

There is a Therapeutic Parenting FB page with 36k members. The posters there are very knowledgeable about parenting adopted/ traumatised children. It might be worth joining and asking for advice there.

I work with kids in care and have done for years.

A lot of kids come into care because parents are exhausted by their child's behaviours. That's okay, it really is. Some of the parents work really closely with us, we can tell they love their child, they are not seen as 'dumping' their child and most of the kids (when the parents remain highly involved) know this too.

A high % of the time, these children learn to manage and have pretty good relationships with their parents by 18 yrs old. We have many kids coming back to us (over the age of 18 and some who visit who are now 30!) to visit who feel ashamed at what they put them through.

Good luck OP.

Absolutely in no way normal. Please push for help and if that means her going into care to safeguard your younger child (and you!) then that’s what needs to happen

Screaminglikemunch - I can relate soo much to all your posts , adopted 3 children 17yrs ago and the youngest was only 10 mths old then fast forward 14 yrs ago and she was expelled from several schools , finally got a ehcp for social and emotional / with a diagnosis of adhd, pda and autism-refuses all medication.
Anyway she pulled a knife on me when she was 14 and been awake for 2 days , I called the police and had her locked up .

I can honestly say that if I had my time again I wouldn't adopt .

The eldest has no empathy, can't keep a job , has no friends - could go on and on

The youngest is soo clever but not on education and the La don't give a flying dam.

I truly think the adoptive system is soo wrong now

Anyway have a hug from me .

Agree with @Sweepingeyelashes. You are literally destroying your younger daughter's life and yours if you don't do this.

@Easylittlethrowaway

Oh OP sending you lots of love and support. Are you on Facebook? If so do join the “A&F Podcast #Conversations” group. Al Coates (co-founder of the group and The Adoption and Fostering Podcast) will be a great person to provide some guidance and support on child in parent violence in families made through adoption.

@Easylittlethrowaway, thank you for the suggestion; I will definitely check it out. However, I am certain I am stuck in secondary trauma and a state of blocked care. I feel like I have personally made Jeff Bezos a billionaire given the huge library of parenting and therapeutic books and resources I have invested in over the years! 😅 Ultimately, my view is that I am the best expert on my DD/s and family and listening to and reading so many opposing expert views on adoption has, I think, muddied the waters for me. Also, fundamentally, I am questioning if I want to learn how to manage child on parent violence in my safe haven of home or where my personal line in the sand lies.

@Goneback2school, yes, thank you; I do access this resource.

@CrowAndABut, thank you, that’s really heartening feedback. There are some very black and white views on this thread, but when all is said and done, my DD is still a child and an extremely traumatised one at that. She really has been dealt a terrible hand in the lottery of life. I would like to think that - whatever happens - we could have a positive and loving relationship in the future.

@butmumineedit, thanks for the solidarity and hug. I’m sorry to hear your take of woe but it’s a universal theme in the world of adoption, as you and I know. All hugs appreciated!

"Also, fundamentally, I am questioning if I want to learn how to manage child on parent violence in my safe haven of home or where my personal line in the sand lies."

One of the breaking points for me, was when SS wanted me to put locks on my birth DC's doors, special film on all the glass and windows, lock my knives away etc. It felt like we were turning into a residential unit rather than a family home. The only thing that was working for me was following Dan (someone's) methods, and they stopped me doing that which was was the only thing that contained it. I understand why it was stopped, but I was left with nothing else.

I really hope someone gets back to you. It's outrageous. They leave parents and foster parents alone in situations they'd never leave a social worker, care worker or teacher. Alone, in charge of vulnerable children, while one is being violent and aggressive.

@Screaminglikemunch absolutely and you are definitely the expert on your daughter! I should have mentioned, these people are not experts they are all adoptive parents with first hand experience. Al is doing a lot of work to bring this issue to the forefront of attention for those providing post-adoption support.

@Bonheurdupasse

Agree with *@Sweepingeyelashes*. You are literally destroying your younger daughter's life and yours if you don't do this.

*@Sweepingeyelashes*, I am listening and I am acting but I think that if there needs to be an ending for my family in its current form, then that ending needs to be handled sensitively and with as much regard for everyone involved. Nothing is ever a clear-cut decision between black and white. My younger DD loves her big sister and I worry about the takeaway message for her; if I misbehave, will I be sent away too?

@Screaminglikemunch I thought the same when I saw that message but didn’t want to say it and upset you. You’ve said yourself your youngest daughter has begun to display similar behaviours. It is likely they both have attachment trauma and so sending one away for bad behaviour is likely to escalate the behaviour of the younger child who won’t be able to make sense of it.

You are not to blame and you are not ruining your younger daughters life by not giving up on her sister. You know your situation best.

I didn't mean to heap guilt on you and I sorry if it came over like that. I am sure that you have done your utter best for both girls for a very long time in very difficult circumstances.

You say your younger daughter loves her big sister. I know love is a strange thing but in your post you said her much younger sibling is terrified of her and has to flee to a neighbour for safety when things kick off. Depending on her age she might be relieved not to have her big sister living with you and understand that her big sister needs more help than you can provide. Still these are decisions that you have to make and I've rather gone off topic from your question about behaviour we'd seen in our own families.

My child yelled a lot and could be very initimidating and incredibly critical and had some grudges about some quite minor things which involved a fair bit of rewriting of history and sibling rivalry. When they were in a bad mood they were unbearable - snapping and snarling. They had some health issues which didn't help. They mellowed as they got older and sending them away to a university in a distant city helped. (This was their choice because of the degree they wanted to do which they couldn't do locally.) They were very clever academically which probably helped and they had no early trauma in their life. It is very hard not to question yourself though if everything you value is criticised and mocked. My husband and I were utterly traumatised by the behaviour. I was in tears a fair chunk of the time and I think we have some health issues as a result of it which we may be dealing with for a long time. I could never live through this again. I just couldn't.

Where's the professional support. Every family would benefit from someone to help whe they need but a child being adopted should have consistent professional help for their whole childhood

Talk to adoption U.K. and THE POTATO, another support group

The behaviour sounds like autism with PDA or ODD, a condition which can drive normally resilient parents to breaking point.

Personally I would push for residential schooling or end the adoption completely for your own mental health and that of the younger child. Do the social workers know you’re afraid you might be knifed while sleeping and her behaviour is pushing you to mental breakdown? Be brutally honest if you’ve not been already. Log serious and repetitive incidents as sadly you’ll need to be broken to br offered help. Keep talking about the family impact to your GP also. Call the police during each violent incident for help if needed

About what to tell your youngest if the placement ends. Explain that although you both love the eldest deeply, she will be with trained carers who are better able to meet her complex needs and support her into adulthood, helping her manage her conditions. It might also be worth adopting a cat for therapeutic reasons or having more play dates, the quietness could be stark.

Sounds absolutely terrible.

Sadly I think that while you continue to “cope” social care will continue to not prioritise you and things will deteriorate.

“Sending her away” I don’t think is the right way to look at it. Adjusting her care and prioritising yourself and your younger child needs to become your focus. Social care never have “respite” but can always manage it if needed. She needs more help than you can give and some form of specialised residential care could well save you all.

Wishing you the very best of luck.

I'm sorry this is so horrific. I'm an adoptee and my brother is too. He displayed similar behaviours.

You say your daughter is acing it academically. Could this be a protective factor? Is she motivated to excel academically? I'm wondering whether a water tight sen/ehcplan that gets things absolutely right for her in school might make a difference. How is she at school? Does she mask? Does she tend to store her rage up until she gets home? (Often the case with children with sensory issues.) You urgently need a team around the family meeting with CAMHS, SS, SENCO there.