How bad is this: anyone willing to compare?

[Screaminglikemunch]

Name changed but long-timer here…my life with my teen (various diagnoses) is absolutely hideous but I wanted to get a sense of whether I’m personally lacking in resilience and good parenting skills or if my DD (adopted so genetic inheritance and early trauma comes into play here) would have you on your knees too.

So, she steals anything and everything that is not locked down (money, chargers, tech, sugary foods, carbs). I have a combination safe under my bed but on the occasions I forget to transfer money/sweets/treats into the safe, they are gone within seconds. I cannot ever let my guard down; every pocket and handbag is frisked for money and loose change. My home is ransacked every single time I have to leave her (I have a much younger child who need to be transported to various extra-curricular activities) in an attempt to find the above. She binge-eats to a ridiculous degree hence the need to try to restrict access to unhealthy foods. The gaslighting is so extreme that I begin to doubt myself and worry about early-onset dementia.

She is violent towards me, verbally (extremely) abusive and threatening to the extent that her much younger sibling is terrified of her and we have a drill whereby the little one knows how to flee to a neighbour for safety when things kick off.

Her hygiene is appalling and I truly believe that she is waging psychological warfare on me when she leaves used period pads hidden under my microwave (yes, honestly).

My elder DD screams like she is being murdered whenever she does not get her own way or if I challenge her about her stealing, or just because etc, to the extent that an anonymous neighbour has reported ME to the NSPCC. I had a phone call from my LA MAST team and they shut the case down without visiting once they heard our history and spoke to the safeguarding leads at both of my children’s schools.

Genuinely, I have done my best as an adoptive parent and I have fought tooth and nail for every woeful bit of pathetic support we have received from social services. Genuinely, I believe my DD has psychological problems bigger than the current multiple diagnoses she has.

I am exhausted and drained and miserable and our home is toxic and I am craving peace and quiet. My DD would happily live with a robot provided she had three square meals a day and unlimited WiFi. She wouldn’t be able to threaten to stab a robot.

I have aged about 35 years in the last 10 and I have zero pleasure in my life. Every day I’m not stabbed in my bed feels like a bonus and like I’m winning at life currently. Fucked up, no? I’ve poured my heart and soul into this child for 13 years but I’m miserable, she’s miserable and her sibling is miserable.

Genuinely, is this just part of parenting a teen, albeit an unmanageable one, or am I allowed to believe that this is extreme behaviour and there is a good reason why I am so unhappy?

Have you considered a failed adoption and she went to foster care ?
You must think of the younger child and how it will affect her . ?
I have a friend in a similar position and it's horrendous .

No, I have done the very difficult teen bit and this is not normal. Something is very very wrong here. It sounds awful. Teen years in general are awful but this! I've no advice other than seek help from GP, put pressure on social services, or what about your local Homestart or similar?

@Screaminglikemunch how are things now? Has the urgent referral got any further?

@Sweepingeyelashes

You say your younger daughter loves her big sister. I know love is a strange thing but in your post you said her much younger sibling is terrified of her and has to flee to a neighbour for safety when things kick off. Depending on her age she might be relieved not to have her big sister living with you and understand that her big sister needs more help than you can provide. Still these are decisions that you have to make and I've rather gone off topic from your question about behaviour we'd seen in our own families.

My child yelled a lot and could be very initimidating and incredibly critical and had some grudges about some quite minor things which involved a fair bit of rewriting of history and sibling rivalry. When they were in a bad mood they were unbearable - snapping and snarling. They had some health issues which didn't help. They mellowed as they got older and sending them away to a university in a distant city helped. (This was their choice because of the degree they wanted to do which they couldn't do locally.) They were very clever academically which probably helped and they had no early trauma in their life. It is very hard not to question yourself though if everything you value is criticised and mocked. My husband and I were utterly traumatised by the behaviour. I was in tears a fair chunk of the time and I think we have some health issues as a result of it which we may be dealing with for a long time. I could never live through this again. I just couldn't.

@Sweepingeyelashes, yes, I hear you re: the long term effects on my/my younger DD’s physical and mental health.

I remember a girl l used to teach who’s adoption broke down. She was 14 or 15.

She went back into care. At 31 was a changer person.

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@izzy2076

I'm sorry this is so horrific. I'm an adoptee and my brother is too. He displayed similar behaviours.

You say your daughter is acing it academically. Could this be a protective factor? Is she motivated to excel academically? I'm wondering whether a water tight sen/ehcplan that gets things absolutely right for her in school might make a difference. How is she at school? Does she mask? Does she tend to store her rage up until she gets home? (Often the case with children with sensory issues.) You urgently need a team around the family meeting with CAMHS, SS, SENCO there.

@izzy2076, please, if it’s not too intrusive, may I ask how things panned out for your brother and your adoptive family?

Yes, you have hit the nail on the head re: school; I think she has managed to mask for so long (Y9 now) and is only starting to unravel at school (as well as home) because the ante has been upped and everything is becoming much harder. DD doesn’t ‘do’ hard!

I have battled for an EHC Needs Assessment; I actually had to apply myself as school wouldn’t support an application but I was rejected by the panel as DD is meeting age-related expectations. No shit, Sherlock! She’s at a super-selective grammar school! I indicated that I would appeal the rejection at a panel but then my dad died suddenly and unexpectedly, my mum was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and a sibling had a catastrophic mental health breakdown and was sectioned for six months. Oh, and then DD was diagnosed with ADHD and autism with a PDA profile (the latter is an absolute bastard to live with).

Honestly, I have battled for 13 years for every minuscule scrap of support and I feel done. I feel like an aged elastic band that has been stretched way past it’s strength once too often. I am craving peace and lightness.

@gunnersgold

Have you considered a failed adoption and she went to foster care ? You must think of the younger child and how it will affect her . ? I have a friend in a similar position and it's horrendous .

@gunnersgold, thanks for your concern; how is your friend managing?

@MissMaple82

No, I have done the very difficult teen bit and this is not normal. Something is very very wrong here. It sounds awful. Teen years in general are awful but this! I've no advice other than seek help from GP, put pressure on social services, or what about your local Homestart or similar?

@MissMaple82, adoptive parents of teens are quite often gaslit and ‘reassured’ that the behaviours they have to live with and endure are within the normal parameters of teenage boundary pushing.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I remember a girl l used to teach who’s adoption broke down. She was 14 or 15.

She went back into care. At 31 was a changer person.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow, did the girl stay in touch with her adoptive family? What became of her - and them?

Honestly OP don't kill yourself with stress. You've done amazing. If you can't cope ring SS and say respite, counselling and support or she's going back into care. I say that as someone who was in foster care and a nightmare teenager. Sometimes it's easier being in foster care where someone doesnt particularly care. Keep the doors of communication wide open snd she can come back for visits and sleepovers ect. Not sure how it works with adoption but can you do a sect 20 and sign her into care but keep parental responsibility?

Yes, she stayed in touch with them. She had a baby at about 24 and settled about 8 miles or so from her adoptive parents. I think they became much closer after that.

@DragonOverTheMoon

Honestly OP don't kill yourself with stress. You've done amazing. If you can't cope ring SS and say respite, counselling and support or she's going back into care. I say that as someone who was in foster care and a nightmare teenager. Sometimes it's easier being in foster care where someone doesnt particularly care. Keep the doors of communication wide open snd she can come back for visits and sleepovers ect. Not sure how it works with adoption but can you do a sect 20 and sign her into care but keep parental responsibility?

@DragonOverTheMoon, thank you for your input; yes, it is my belief that DD will be much happier in a foster placement where a carer possibly won’t care as much. I don’t think she can actually cope with the intensity of her emotions in our family setting. I am considering a Section 20 order but I think I have to be seen to be going through the right motions with Children’s Social Care.

I don't have an experience of this but my heart goes out you.

I think you need to reframe what you are telling yourself. You aren't giving up on your daughter. You have given her every support in the world but she requires specialist care, far beyond an untrained professional ability.

By giving her up to residential treatment, you would be giving her a chance to avail of the specialist intervention that she needs and can do so with an absolute clear conscious having exhausted all other opportunities.

Your younger daughter will understand that she needs specialist help. She also deserves to live without the fear and anxiety causes by her sibling.

You know this cannot continue and you know this is the right thing to do so please try not to be so hard on yourself.

@Screaminglikemunch not intrusive! I've turned out ok (I hope!) and now work with children who have a similar profile to your daughter. My brother is not ok though. We were adopted in the 70s which meant different challenges. I guess in some ways adoption was less traumatic in that there were fewer children born dependent on drugs or removed from families as toddlers due to neglect as there are today. Most adoptees were born to unmarried mothers. However attachment disorder was never mentioned and children were expected to be grateful. adoptive families were not screened as thoroughly as they are today. It's interesting. I feel a real affinity with the adoptees I work with and know that for some families the issues are really terrifying.

You should push again for an ehcp. Could you ask CAMHS, social services to write supporting evidence. You need to get the SENCO and safeguarding lead involved as she may be doing well academically (thank the lord) but she is definitely not ok. It is about need and it doesn't have to be academic. Her emotional needs are so great and her mask could slip in school at any time. She is probably dsyregulated once she gets home because she struggles with having to mask all day in school which means she needs support.

Sending you lots of love.

@DragonOverTheMoon

Honestly OP don't kill yourself with stress. You've done amazing. If you can't cope ring SS and say respite, counselling and support or she's going back into care. I say that as someone who was in foster care and a nightmare teenager. Sometimes it's easier being in foster care where someone doesnt particularly care. Keep the doors of communication wide open snd she can come back for visits and sleepovers ect. Not sure how it works with adoption but can you do a sect 20 and sign her into care but keep parental responsibility?

And yes to all of what @DragonOverTheMoon says here. She needs specialist help. You can't do this alone. You've reached a point where nothing will change without a huge level of specialist intervention and respite for you both.

@Screaminglikemunch .. hanging by a thread I'd say !

I believe she was 'mis sold ' the children . Early trauma should never be underestimated!

[quote NCTDN]@Screaminglikemunch how are things now? Has the urgent referral got any further?[/quote]
Well, the urgent referral was so urgent that it took a worker from the LA’s children’s assessment team nine days to attempt to contact me! I didn’t manage to speak to the social worker as I took both DDs away last week and we only returned last night. We actually had a decent time, soured only by my discovery that even though I had literally been placing DD’s ADHD medication in her mouth every morning, she had clearly taken advantage of me being distracted by DD2 to then spit out the pills and hide them in the corners of our hotel room!

I have done a fingertip forensic search of DD’s bedroom today and discovered yet more medication that she is supposed to take.

It’s the self-sabotaging behaviour that is slowly killing me; it’s like a death from a million paper cuts.

I am resolved to tell our allocated social worker on Tuesday morning that I do not have any more resilience to carry on.

Alarmingly, I have discovered a notebook in which DD has been writing some very disturbed stuff, including her desire to stab certain people.

Hi, I was a residential worker for some years and had two girls come to us at 13/14. I'm afraid neither had positive outcomes once they came into care - Foster care is unlikely to change anything and residential opens them up to a whole new world of difficulties. However, it sounds like a few mums on this thread have had different experiences which shows that positive things can come of relinquishing that full time care. Such a hard situation. As social workers we know children are statistically likely to have better outcomes if they can stay placed with family.. Do you have any other family/friends who can offer support in terms of longer term respite? SS will want that explored before agreeing S20.
Good luck.. You are in an impossible situation.

*girls who had been adopted

I'm an adoptive mother. We desperately needed respite care for our eldest child and we're told that the only way we could do this was to put them into care. We initially had one evening a week respite which was a godsend. A year or so later they went into foster care than then when that broke down into supported accommodation. We have a respectful relationship now. An odd term to use but accurate. I suppose im trying to reassure you that this step which may feel like an ending may be a way forward.
I have no relationship with their two younger siblings. I soldiered on with them but once they were adult they both left home of their own accord and didn't want anything more to do with me. So they would count as a successfull adoption although it doesn't seem like it to me.

I think it's too complex of an issue to say dc in FC have worse outcomes. Of course they have worse outcomes, as a general cohesive, they have extremely high levels of trauma and abuse as a cohesive.

It's really hard when your birth parents don't love you. As a teenager coming to terms with that it doesn't really matter at the time if others do. I have wonderful grandparents that were amazing, I lived with them before FC. I couldn't cope living with people who cared about me. I also did much better in residential and in foster placements that were matter of face and brisk, rather than caring. It's all very well for professionals to say dc need to be loved, say Bronfenbrenners quote about every child needing someone crazy about them to thrive yadayada but the reality for some is that love doesn't make us feel safe and secure. It's not pushing away to test someone, it's pushing away as it feels better without them as they aren't your parents.

My grandparents visited me weekly whilst I was in FC, they then helped me massively when I left. I went round for dinner once a week, they spoiled me in a lovely way with treats here and there and supported me so I could go to college and then uni. I now work as a SW so can see it from both sides of the coin. I don't think I'd be where I am now without them and the fuck load of therapy I've had.

@Kindlynow

Hi, I was a residential worker for some years and had two girls come to us at 13/14. I'm afraid neither had positive outcomes once they came into care - Foster care is unlikely to change anything and residential opens them up to a whole new world of difficulties. However, it sounds like a few mums on this thread have had different experiences which shows that positive things can come of relinquishing that full time care. Such a hard situation. As social workers we know children are statistically likely to have better outcomes if they can stay placed with family.. Do you have any other family/friends who can offer support in terms of longer term respite? SS will want that explored before agreeing S20. Good luck.. You are in an impossible situation.

@kindlynow, thanks for your insider perspective. Truly, there is not a workable family or friends respite option that is workable beyond a weekend. I am a single adopter and there is only one surviving grandparent and she is now housebound and newly diagnosed with Parkinson’s. Also, she is frightened of DD who exploits her, has vandalised her home and steals from her purse if given the opportunity.

My only sibling would have been a good option, apart from the fact that he lives 200+ miles away, but he had a mental breakdown following our father’s death and was sectioned on various psychiatric units for six months. I don’t think he would be a safe option even though he is fully recovered and has resumed his highflying career and life.

A very dear friend of mine has offered to collect DD for a weekend but she lives a five-hour drive away. A weekend of respite just won’t be enough for DD2 and I; we have a calm and low-key time when DD1 is away on Guide camps but our enjoyment is always tempered by the realisation that the explosions on her return will be deeply unpleasant.

Honestly, I think I’m done.

@Screaminglikemunch when you say you think you are done . What does that look like in reality? I really feel for you .

You did ask if posters had experienced anything similar to what you have and I didn't address that in my previous post. I don't think my experience was as bad as yours is. I had stealing, violence, poor hygiene but the towels remained stashed in bedrooms and bathrooms. One room still smells 4 years later. I did have drug taking in the house and just going missing for days at a time once they were older though.

🎉 I hope you manage to sort something out that enables you and your younger child you live a happy life. You have tried your hardest and you deserve to have a life too.