DD is pregnant, not sure what do

[penguinmoonwalker]

Hey, dd is 17, 18 in June. She's pregnant unplanned and she has decided now she wants to keep the baby. I think she is naive and doesn't know how much work it will be and how it will take over every aspect of her life. When I've tried to talk to her about this she says that she isn't stupid and to stop patronising her. She says that she thinks that this happened for a reason and that part of her wants to be a young mum. She says she plans to do A levels in the summer as planned and then take a year out and go to uni September 2023 at a uni locally and tbf she has been doing some research on doing a degree with a baby. However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare. She wants to stay at home and I'll be honest I'd rather not have a young baby in the house. However there is no way I would ever kick her out and would much rather she was here with her baby than in wherever else she might go and I have told her this as I don't want to lie to her about it. She says that most girls who decide to get an abortion have no support and no other options but she feels like that is not true for her and that she could raise a child and that abortion should be the last resort. She also says that her life is 'kinda boring' at the moment.
Her bf seems like a reasonable guy and isn't putting any pressure on her but he doesn't want to be a father yet and he says that 'he will try and help a bit but won't make any huge sacrifices' and he will be going to uni in September and realistically he will hardly be involved
I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

It's depressing reading this thread. OP didn't say how old she is, but i'll assume she had her DD at, say, 30 which makes her 57 now. Pretty much where i am. And i can categorically say at this stage i would be incandescent with rage at the idea that I was going to have to step in and coparent (lucky for me my DH was always a completely involved dad and we shared everything to do with the DCs) and miss out on things over a decision i am allowed to have no say in. Because of course there will be days when the DDs childcare falls through, or she goes out promising to be back at midnight and stays out later. And what if OP had plans the next day that have to fall through because she has to "support" uncritically and completely willingly a daughter who had a choice to have an early abortion and didn't take it.

Not that i think anyone should be pressured into an abortion at all (they should be universally available, free, safe and rare) but there are considerations beyond "aw cute baby you'll love it because it's your GC".

And yes, the father needs to at least provide money. But why should he have to drop out of uni and get a job to support a child he doesn't want? Because OPs DD is doing (planning to) exactly what she wants and it is therefore fare if her BF gets to do the same. In an ideal world his parents will also give some support, but (as with absent fathers) morally it is the right thing to do. Practically? difficult to enforce.

@brefugee - to be fair, I see my friends doing all that stuff for their married and much older children now, when childcare falls through or there are other needs.

I don't think the father needs to drop out of uni and there might not need to be an expectation that he provides more than he can while he's at uni, but when that is over, he can pay up going forward. This is one reason I'd be as supportive as I can when my DD was going through uni. It's very important she put herself in a position she can self-support her and her child going forward.

@Brefugee

It's depressing reading this thread. OP didn't say how old she is, but i'll assume she had her DD at, say, 30 which makes her 57 now. Pretty much where i am. And i can categorically say at this stage i would be incandescent with rage at the idea that I was going to have to step in and coparent (lucky for me my DH was always a completely involved dad and we shared everything to do with the DCs) and miss out on things over a decision i am allowed to have no say in. Because of course there will be days when the DDs childcare falls through, or she goes out promising to be back at midnight and stays out later. And what if OP had plans the next day that have to fall through because she has to "support" uncritically and completely willingly a daughter who had a choice to have an early abortion and didn't take it.

Not that i think anyone should be pressured into an abortion at all (they should be universally available, free, safe and rare) but there are considerations beyond "aw cute baby you'll love it because it's your GC".

And yes, the father needs to at least provide money. But why should he have to drop out of uni and get a job to support a child he doesn't want? Because OPs DD is doing (planning to) exactly what she wants and it is therefore fare if her BF gets to do the same. In an ideal world his parents will also give some support, but (as with absent fathers) morally it is the right thing to do. Practically? difficult to enforce.

Yep. Maybe it depends on what you want from life. I love being a mother but I would not want to do it all again at 50. It's not callous to say so.

A parent has to take responsibility for their child and themselves. If a woman is too young to do that at 17, then she's probably too young to have a child.

I would support DD into finding her own place to live.
Otherwise you'll end up bringing up another baby.

Your DD is being selfish thinking she can dump a baby on you. What about your future? What about your plans?

I think all you can do is support her. She may struggle to go to uni in 2023…or she may step up, cope well and surprise you all. She gets to make this decision and if you try and tip the scales towards an abortion you could seriously damage your own relationship with her forever.
I hope you can come to terms with her decision and support her wholeheartedly. It will quite possibly strengthen your relationship in the long run.

@domesticatedzombie I'm not 50 yet but not too far away. I really don't want to start over parenting at this stage either but guess who is guardian for grandchildren if necessary? Yes, me. I wouldn't be able to imagine not stepping up if the situation called for it. This sort of thing never goes away because we never stop being parents really.

@Abaababa

How exactly would you make sure he or his parents are involved?

Thats not actually going to work, you can't force someone to get involved. Yes you can claim CM from the boy (who won't earn for a good 4 years) then you will get 15% of a low salary for years until he establishes a career.

Yes he will go off to uni and have a blast, that's his choice.

That is the reality of the situation, I have made that very clear to my DD. Don't think you can rely on a man if you get pregnant.

@SulaSA the truth is that the father and his family dont have to support either the pregnancy or the raising of the child. The father will have to provide financial support - when he is in a position to do so. That being the case, better he got university and get his degree with a view to a better paying job in future.

BellePepa Nothing to do with being self righteous and everything to do with a young woman not understanding the impact of her choices. Many families do not have room to have another child in the house or often the Mother of the pregnant young woman is working, running a home, going through the menopause and looking after an elderly parent, why the bloody hell should she be forced to add more weight to her back because we all know that she wouldn't be able to stay in bed if her Grandchild is screaming with colic and her own Daughter is crying, we all know she won't be able to relax for the very few precious moments she has after finishing the housework and going to bed because her Grandchild is screaming the house down, we all know she will want her mum to look after the baby whilst she pops to the shop/goes to her friends 18th, gets her hair done, meets her new boyfriend etc etc etc That is the reality of a Mum who's single teenage daughter has a baby whilst still living at home.

Hi. I am going through the same thing with my Y12 daughter. Happy to PM you my experience.

@Brefugee

It's depressing reading this thread. OP didn't say how old she is, but i'll assume she had her DD at, say, 30 which makes her 57 now. Pretty much where i am. And i can categorically say at this stage i would be incandescent with rage at the idea that I was going to have to step in and coparent (lucky for me my DH was always a completely involved dad and we shared everything to do with the DCs) and miss out on things over a decision i am allowed to have no say in. Because of course there will be days when the DDs childcare falls through, or she goes out promising to be back at midnight and stays out later. And what if OP had plans the next day that have to fall through because she has to "support" uncritically and completely willingly a daughter who had a choice to have an early abortion and didn't take it.

Not that i think anyone should be pressured into an abortion at all (they should be universally available, free, safe and rare) but there are considerations beyond "aw cute baby you'll love it because it's your GC".

And yes, the father needs to at least provide money. But why should he have to drop out of uni and get a job to support a child he doesn't want? Because OPs DD is doing (planning to) exactly what she wants and it is therefore fare if her BF gets to do the same. In an ideal world his parents will also give some support, but (as with absent fathers) morally it is the right thing to do. Practically? difficult to enforce.

Maths not your strong point?

Arithmetic error aside, I think Brefugee’s post was pretty on the nose.

Is there someone in an organisation who can talk this through with your daughter ie the harsh realities of what it will all entail - where is she going to get money from to start with ? Where is she going to live? How will she mange to study with a year old baby? If her life is "kinda Boring" now then it certainly will be when she is sitting at home changing nappies when all her friends are out clubbing.

When my DH was at uni there was a couple in his cycling club who already had a child. AFAIK they handled it all very well with help from parents, university childcare and flexible studying schedules. They’re married now and went on to have more children. It can be done, but needs commitment, organisation and making sure you don’t have all your childcare eggs in one basket.

Also - if the child has health problems, is not easy to ''manage'' etc. - that makes such a difference to how demanding it can be.

OP, you ask ‘If you were in the same situation again what would you say to her when she first told you she was pregnant?’

‘DD, when baby is born, you will be 18yo with the responsibilities of an adult.

Therefore I will treat you as that adult now so that you understand how your life is going to be with a young child. We speak as adults, so I am Penguin to you, not Mummy.

I have brought you up to take responsibility for your actions & decisions to prepare you for your adult life. You will always be my daughter, my adult daughter.

I am looking forward to having my life as I want it to be. I have made plans for myself & having responsibility for another baby/young child is not on the cards.

I do not want to have a baby/young child living here with me. It is too much responsibility & disruption for me & as their mother that is your responsibility. I will emotionally support & encourage you as a mother as best as I can.

You are to make your choices as a woman & I respect that.
I have made my choices & you as an adult are to respect that.’

If you know what you want, you have to be clear cut & resolute about this. Your actions have to be louder than words.

Its tough as I've told her I am not going to be a parent to her baby, but I know that if she were at the point where either she dropped out or I had to be then I would rather do more to help her than for her to have to dropout. And I think she kinda knows this

Then you've got some choices to make - either you're firm about what you are and are not prepared to do (and mean it) or just stand by while most of the heavy lifting piles onto you

Nobody's suggesting you "chuck her out", simply that you realise she also has choices and that while you can't control those, you can certainly control how much impact they have on your own life

You need to get your daughter to think of her future child. It’s a bit shit bringing a kid into the world when the Dad has made it clear they don’t want it. (Nothing wrong with intentionally having a kid without a dad)
Outcomes for young mothers and children of young mothers are poor.

Mental health issues are one area that would concern me a lot.
The ‘kinda boring’ comment is crazy.

I really would steer clear of any conversations that are attempts at trying to get her to have an abortion. It is wrong and it probably wouldn't work anyway. It is 100% her choice whether or not she keeps that baby and I really don't agree with anyone who thinks they can tell a woman that she ought to abort. Nobody gets to try and push a woman into having an abortion - not even their mother. You could do permanent damage to her and your relationship with her. Keep your agenda away from it and be a listening ear, nothing more.

On the flip side, you have every right to assert your position with regards to what kind of support you are prepared to offer. You are not obliged to raise her baby for her, if she chooses to keep it, nor do you need to have them living with you. These choices are yours.

I would have a chat with her and lay all of your cards on the table. Make it clear to her what you are and aren't prepared to do. Then it's up to her where she goes from there.

Good luck with all, OP. Such a difficult situation to be in and I'm sure you will navigate it as well as possible. Keep coming back to MN for advice and support as you need it.

The assumptions about support after an abortion.
Your DD’s assumption about abortion & support is based on what?
A bold statement from someone with no experience, where did she get this idea?

You need to challenge her on this as her assumptions about what is on offer to her, across so many things, are going to impact your life very substantially.

Yes, the choice to be made about abortion is hers to make…but it needs to be an informed choice not just about feelings but about the practicalities of life with a baby.

Maths not your strong point?

oops sorry.
But your nitpicking doesn't negate the rest of my post, does it?

Sure, i would definitely step up if i had to. But there is no denying it: I loathed being a mother to small children, i had bad PND no support network outside of their fantastic dad, and felt i had lost myeslf. I wouldn't willingly go through the tiny kids shit again. And if i did? I wouldn't be sugar coating how resentful i was of it. Not at all. Because as much as you can't force your child to have an abortion, they absolutely shouldn't (try to, guilt trip you into or whatever) force you to help them out when they make what i think is a stupid decision.

I hope it works out for them all, but these things need the agreement of many people, not one teenager who thinks they know it all not to listen to the others who will be involved.

When I was a year older than your daughter I got pregnant and had an abortion. To this day I have never regretted it. My life would have been totally different. I never told my parents and went through it all on my own. I have always been very self reliant and clearly saw the options - Uni and all that that brought with it - a career, travel, financially stable etc and me possibly stuck at home with a baby in a dump of a town with no acknowledgement by the baby's father , poor, looked on as a disappointment. This was many many years ago though and it wasn't as easy for women to be single mothers then. I knew I wanted more from life than that. There was no abortion pill in those days and it was a full scale GA procedure. Your daughter needs to think about her own future.

I would be furious if that was my daughter. It is so unfair, naive and selfish of her to make a huge decision that will impact on you, all because she's a bit 'bored'. A previous poster has been described as Dickensian, but the things she described are exactly what my parents did when I got pregnant in the first year of uni. My mother in law, who lived in the same city as us, booked a 3 week holiday to Italy for my due date, but it didn't matter to us at all as it was our decision to have a baby (although it did annoy me that my husband (who was bf at the time) had to leave to keep feeding her cats!

I'm extremely proud to say that we brought up our eldest without their input, and I can categorically say I would not have achieved as much if we weren't forced to stand on our own 2 feet. To this day (eldest is a teen now, we have only had babysitting on a handful of occasions). I don't think it's selfish of you to put in place boundaries- your daughter needs to be realistic about how shitty it is walking the streets at night with a sling and colicky baby screaming while your friends are out having the time of their lives. Especially once the newborn cuteness wears off and it's just plain hard. And that's with an incredibly supportive boyfriend who is now my husband.

On the plus side, if she wants to go to university, childcare grants were invaluable to us and many universities have their own nursery on site. I used to go and breast feed in between classes as he was a bottle refuser. It's tough and I really feel for you. Your daughter needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

I would probably phrase it all as things that you do worry about rather then what she should be thinking about. She seems to be smart enough to be thinking and researching her options so hopefully she wont regress into the stage I dont know what to do and I dont care to think that I have seen in some of the Teenage and pregnant documentaries.
I understand she is probably allergic to being told what to do. She knows this isnt what you had in your mind for her at this stage of her life so probably feels she has f* ed up which isnt a nice state to be in anyway.

@Introvertedbuthappy

I would be furious if that was my daughter. It is so unfair, naive and selfish of her to make a huge decision that will impact on you, all because she's a bit 'bored'. A previous poster has been described as Dickensian, but the things she described are exactly what my parents did when I got pregnant in the first year of uni. My mother in law, who lived in the same city as us, booked a 3 week holiday to Italy for my due date, but it didn't matter to us at all as it was our decision to have a baby (although it did annoy me that my husband (who was bf at the time) had to leave to keep feeding her cats!

I'm extremely proud to say that we brought up our eldest without their input, and I can categorically say I would not have achieved as much if we weren't forced to stand on our own 2 feet. To this day (eldest is a teen now, we have only had babysitting on a handful of occasions). I don't think it's selfish of you to put in place boundaries- your daughter needs to be realistic about how shitty it is walking the streets at night with a sling and colicky baby screaming while your friends are out having the time of their lives. Especially once the newborn cuteness wears off and it's just plain hard. And that's with an incredibly supportive boyfriend who is now my husband.

On the plus side, if she wants to go to university, childcare grants were invaluable to us and many universities have their own nursery on site. I used to go and breast feed in between classes as he was a bottle refuser. It's tough and I really feel for you. Your daughter needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

So you are saying that you would be furious if it was your daughter yet you criticise the actions of your parents and in laws at the time who did not get involved?