Page 10 | DD is pregnant, not sure what do

viques · 27/03/2022 11:46

I think you need to sit down with your DD and the laid back boyfriend and talk hard cash and reality.

He will be supporting his child for the next 18 years.

If he is studying then he will need to take on a p/t job to pay for his child in lieu of parenting duties.

When he is earning a graduate wage then he is either upfront about earnings and contributes appropriately or Child support is involved.

Payment will continue no matter what happens in their relationship.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 27/03/2022 11:46

IntrovertedbutHappy didn’t criticise her and her dh’s parents- she specifically said she saw the need for boundaries, and that part of their success was due to them being made to stand on their own two feet.

Did you even read the post properly?

TerribleCustomerCervix · 27/03/2022 11:49

@viques

I think you need to sit down with your DD and the laid back boyfriend and talk hard cash and reality.

He will be supporting his child for the next 18 years.

If he is studying then he will need to take on a p/t job to pay for his child in lieu of parenting duties.

When he is earning a graduate wage then he is either upfront about earnings and contributes appropriately or Child support is involved.

Payment will continue no matter what happens in their relationship.

Ok, no. You know that’s not how it works, not if you’ve spent any time on Mumsnet reading about the shit behaviour of some “fathers”.

Yes in an ideal world this would be the case.

But you have absolutely no authority to insist that it does.

The DD’s boyfriend can move to uni, block your numbers and forget all this ever happened.

WildCoasts · 27/03/2022 11:53

@TerribleCustomerCervix A father's wages can be garnished by the child support agency, can't they? Yes, I know that doesn't ensure a fair deal or that the father will play fair, but they can't just run away that easily.

ChickenStripper · 27/03/2022 11:54

@TerribleCustomerCervix

IntrovertedbutHappy didn’t criticise her and her dh’s parents- she specifically said she saw the need for boundaries, and that part of their success was due to them being made to stand on their own two feet.

Did you even read the post properly?

Ummm yes I did - forced to stand on our own feet, it did annoy me, makes me proud that blah , blah - it's all there in the words.

BellePeppa · 27/03/2022 12:00

@Brefugee

Maths not your strong point?

oops sorry.
But your nitpicking doesn't negate the rest of my post, does it?

Sure, i would definitely step up if i had to. But there is no denying it: I loathed being a mother to small children, i had bad PND no support network outside of their fantastic dad, and felt i had lost myeslf. I wouldn't willingly go through the tiny kids shit again. And if i did? I wouldn't be sugar coating how resentful i was of it. Not at all. Because as much as you can't force your child to have an abortion, they absolutely shouldn't (try to, guilt trip you into or whatever) force you to help them out when they make what i think is a stupid decision.

I hope it works out for them all, but these things need the agreement of many people, not one teenager who thinks they know it all not to listen to the others who will be involved.

Ha I can be quite pedantic 😁 I also did not enjoy motherhood very much when my children were young as it was just such darned hard work and I did it alone and I have absolutely no desire to be a grandmother ever - I love my children very much and live for them but the idea of doing it all again fills me with horror but ..... I just know me and I know I would welcome my child, my child’s other half and the baby with open arms into my home but at the same time I would be talking to them about their plans for the future. I’m not really the sort of person who gets ‘furious’ I’ve learnt in life to take each situation as it comes and deal it to the best of my ability.

tcjotm · 27/03/2022 12:08

I think you need to be clear about what support you will provide. Saying that you won’t do all the childcare is wishywashy. Spell it out. What will you do? For example, if she were your partner and you came home from work after she’d spent the day at home caring for a baby, she’d reasonably expect to be able to hand the baby to you for a while. But you aren’t her baby’s co-parent and after doing your time with babies, you probably prefer to come home from work to relax. Obviously initially she won’t be in a routine and such a young baby is usually in someone’s arms, but maybe something to work towards, so you can keep the boundaries? You don’t want a situation where she just assumes you’ll be home and so take over care by default. She’ll be the parent and she has to make arrangements, and treat those providing child care (i.e. you) with respect.

That’s better for her too, I’ve seen a situation where the young mother left the baby with her mum so often she felt pushed out because her mum started doing things her way. But at the same time, the mum (grandma) was becoming the main carer and it wasn’t unreasonable she wanted to do set up routines that suited her. It was messy and confusing for everyone.

I think all the examples in this thread of young mothers who were successful have a common thread - the young mother took responsibility, put her baby’s future first and worked hard towards it. With support yes but realising that the footloose and fancy free youth they’d expected was gone.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 27/03/2022 12:12

There's nothing you can do OP.

She's not the first and she certainly won't be the last
There are far worse things a things a teenager can do than have a baby.
Don't try and convince her to terminate if it's not what "she" wants otherwise she'll never you

aylis · 27/03/2022 12:13

So many of the responses seem to be about pressuring her not to have a child or just scaring the ever living shit out of her by painting a picture of abject hardship. There are many, many good things about having a child even if you are on the bones of your arse at 18.

Ginger1982 · 27/03/2022 12:13

[quote Sunnierdays]@BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ
Abortion can be really positive and your daughter needs to have that message hammered home to her.

What an absolutely awful comment !! Positive ? For who, this is a human life not a day trip out !![/quote]
Don't be ridiculous. Abortion is the right path to take for many women.

ChickenStripper · 27/03/2022 12:15

@aylis

So many of the responses seem to be about pressuring her not to have a child or just scaring the ever living shit out of her by painting a picture of abject hardship. There are many, many good things about having a child even if you are on the bones of your arse at 18.

eg?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 27/03/2022 12:16

I do get it's a huge shock. However it's in say 12 months down the line you'll be saying "I wouldn't be without him/her now.

KosherDill · 27/03/2022 12:19

@HellToTheNope

However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare.

And you will do if you don't spell things out for her very, very clearly.

You tell her now that she will not be living with you and you will not be providing childcare. If she wants to be a grown up now, congrats to her, she's been granted her wish. If she foolishly chooses to become a mother at her age, she has to deal with the consequences.

I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

You are not taking anything away from her, you are simply stating your boundaries.

Agree.

She's ruining her future with this immature decision. Make it clear.

Ginger1982 · 27/03/2022 12:19

I'm sorry you're facing this OP. It does seem as though you're basically allowed no say in a decision that is going to massively impact on your unless you adopt some of the arguably harsh responses some posters have suggested. But then you're being unfair, harsh and a terrible mum. You really can't win here

KosherDill · 27/03/2022 12:20

@aylis

So many of the responses seem to be about pressuring her not to have a child or just scaring the ever living shit out of her by painting a picture of abject hardship. There are many, many good things about having a child even if you are on the bones of your arse at 18.

No. Not for the mother or the offspring. Not in the 21st century.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/03/2022 12:22

So many of the responses seem to be about pressuring her not to have a child or just scaring the ever living shit out of her by painting a picture of abject hardship

To me, that only seems fair up to a point
Were OP to take the route of the responsibility for the child falling squarely on the DD, she herself wouldn't be the first to describe it as "abject hardship" once she finds out what she'd be expected to give up - especially if she's expecting OP to shoulder it all and finds herself thwarted

KosherDill · 27/03/2022 12:23

@EveryCloudIsGrey

You need to get your daughter to think of her future child. It’s a bit shit bringing a kid into the world when the Dad has made it clear they don’t want it. (Nothing wrong with intentionally having a kid without a dad) Outcomes for young mothers and children of young mothers are poor. Mental health issues are one area that would concern me a lot. The ‘kinda boring’ comment is crazy.

Well said.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/03/2022 12:30

You don’t want a situation where she just assumes you’ll be home and so take over care by default

Not sure how that would work anyway, since OP said she works full time? Unless the DD seriously expects mum to give up work, and why would she do that in a situation that's been foisted on her with no consultation and - from the sound of it - very little respect?

BrokenRecords · 27/03/2022 12:30

Ring a young mum ISNT the be all and end all. She is still keen to get an education so there's half the battle there. Maybe she will have to do you I part time and take a bit longer which is normal for some who don't even have a baby

All you can do is what you have done and prepare her and make it clear that it will be no picnic

She says that most girls who decide to get an abortion have no support and no other options but she feels like that is not true for her and that she could raise a child and that abortion should be the last resort - she's not wrong

Also it's great your willing to sacrifice having a quiet home for your grandchild and support your Dd

Feelingoktoday · 27/03/2022 12:31

@LowlandLucky

BellePepa Nothing to do with being self righteous and everything to do with a young woman not understanding the impact of her choices. Many families do not have room to have another child in the house or often the Mother of the pregnant young woman is working, running a home, going through the menopause and looking after an elderly parent, why the bloody hell should she be forced to add more weight to her back because we all know that she wouldn't be able to stay in bed if her Grandchild is screaming with colic and her own Daughter is crying, we all know she won't be able to relax for the very few precious moments she has after finishing the housework and going to bed because her Grandchild is screaming the house down, we all know she will want her mum to look after the baby whilst she pops to the shop/goes to her friends 18th, gets her hair done, meets her new boyfriend etc etc etc That is the reality of a Mum who's single teenage daughter has a baby whilst still living at home.

This. I’m 57. No way would I want a baby in my house. I’m looking to reduce my hours and start getting some me time in the next few years. I want to travel, pick up some hobbies. Not look after a baby. It’s 2022, women have choices unlike they did in the 1950s and one is contraceptive, and secondly easier access to end a pregnancy if they want - something we didn’t have in the 1950s. We might not judge a girl having a baby anymore but then they need to step up and look after it not rely on mums who have already done their duty, are still working full time, often divorced, limited pension and caring for elderly parents. Otherwise nothing has changed since the 1950s and we still expect women to make it better.

katepilar · 27/03/2022 12:34

I think you need to be clear about what support you will provide. Saying that you won’t do all the childcare is wishywashy. Spell it out. What will you do? For example, if she were your partner and you came home from work after she’d spent the day at home caring for a baby, she’d reasonably expect to be able to hand the baby to you for a while. But you aren’t her baby’s co-parent and after doing your time with babies, you probably prefer to come home from work to relax. Obviously initially she won’t be in a routine and such a young baby is usually in someone’s arms, but maybe something to work towards, so you can keep the boundaries?

I like this suggestion, sounds like a fair practical approach.

DoctorDoctor · 27/03/2022 12:37

many universities have their own nursery on site

True 20 years ago. Not anymore. I posted this earlier in the thread. Really check this out and don't make assumptions.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 27/03/2022 12:40

@Ginger1982

I'm sorry you're facing this OP. It does seem as though you're basically allowed no say in a decision that is going to massively impact on your unless you adopt some of the arguably harsh responses some posters have suggested. But then you're being unfair, harsh and a terrible mum. You really can't win here

This. The 'just support your daughter, you can't pressure her' responses are really overlooking the massive impact this will have on OP.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/03/2022 12:49

We might not judge a girl having a baby anymore but then they need to step up ...

That's the flip side of it all isn't it?

Quite correctly, we hear a lot about rights to choose this or that, but perhaps not quite so much about the responsibilities which come with those choices - and with a child, responsibility isn't a one-off thing because you're "kinda bored" but a lifelong commitment

Pluvia · 27/03/2022 12:58

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

I do get it's a huge shock. However it's in say 12 months down the line you'll be saying "I wouldn't be without him/her now.

And in 10-15 years' time the OP may be contemplating her meagre pension because she had to go part-time in order to look after the child while her daughter went to university and then established a career. Or she'll realise that friends in their 50s and 60s have been able to travel and enjoy adventures before their knees or back went and that it's now too late — she's sacrificed her hopes and dreams for a daughter who, let's face it, isn't going to be grateful or realise what it was she asked of her mum until many years later.

We already ask far more of women than we do of men. Where are the men in this? The BF, the daughter's father? Why aren't they concerned that they may need to be financially and personally involved?