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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD is pregnant, not sure what do

380 replies

penguinmoonwalker · 26/03/2022 22:25

Hey, dd is 17, 18 in June. She's pregnant unplanned and she has decided now she wants to keep the baby. I think she is naive and doesn't know how much work it will be and how it will take over every aspect of her life. When I've tried to talk to her about this she says that she isn't stupid and to stop patronising her. She says that she thinks that this happened for a reason and that part of her wants to be a young mum. She says she plans to do A levels in the summer as planned and then take a year out and go to uni September 2023 at a uni locally and tbf she has been doing some research on doing a degree with a baby. However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare. She wants to stay at home and I'll be honest I'd rather not have a young baby in the house. However there is no way I would ever kick her out and would much rather she was here with her baby than in wherever else she might go and I have told her this as I don't want to lie to her about it. She says that most girls who decide to get an abortion have no support and no other options but she feels like that is not true for her and that she could raise a child and that abortion should be the last resort. She also says that her life is 'kinda boring' at the moment.
Her bf seems like a reasonable guy and isn't putting any pressure on her but he doesn't want to be a father yet and he says that 'he will try and help a bit but won't make any huge sacrifices' and he will be going to uni in September and realistically he will hardly be involved
I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

OP posts:
AnastasiaRomanov · 27/03/2022 10:09

@DomesticatedZombie
Very few 17 year olds are financially self sufficient. Most are still at school. What kind of person would throw their child in the street when she’s pregnant?

TerribleCustomerCervix · 27/03/2022 10:14

Confused as to why some posters are saying that the father doesn’t get the option to decide he doesn’t want to be involved.

I mean morally, they’re right. But practically how are you going to force him to contribute in any meaningful way?

At least he’s being honest that he’s not ready to commit or make any sacrifices early on, so OP’s DD knows she is going to be doing this all on her own. He’s telling her now this isn’t going to be happy families, and although ideally he’d step up, he’s not making empty promises.

And this doesn’t just affect OP’s DD. By not heeding what he’s telling her, she’s knowingly signing her child up for a lifetime with a shit, uninterested dad.

Pluvia · 27/03/2022 10:15

@Booboobagins:
I have several friends who did this. They all call themselves late bloomers as they went to uni, bought houses/started their careers slightly later than those of us who were allegedly more sensible.

At what cost to the women (because it will have been women, never a mention of fathers and grandfathers) who have to cut their working hours/ lose money/ sacrifice pensions/ sacrifice holidays and time at leisure to help them out? Women who've raised their children are allowed to get on with their own independent lives.

katepilar · 27/03/2022 10:16

She needs to go on the waiting list. Once she is 20 weeks pregnant they will normally assess her as eligible for 2 bed. You will need to write letter to say she can not reside with you.

wow, that sounds very generous to me. Where I am /not UK/ lots of young families live in one room that servers as kitchen, living room and bedroom altogether and even that wouldnt be handed to them.

DomesticatedZombie · 27/03/2022 10:19

[quote AnastasiaRomanov]@DomesticatedZombie
Very few 17 year olds are financially self sufficient. Most are still at school. What kind of person would throw their child in the street when she’s pregnant?[/quote]
'throw their child in the street' is highly emotive dramatising. A 17 year old is young, but perfectly capable of being self sufficient. Probably not capable of raising a child single handedly, which is why she needs to think very carefully about her decision.

OP can choose not to support her daughter's life choices. That's up to OP.

It's interesting that people suggest her daughter's rights apparently override OPs rights. Does OP not get to make any kind of a choice in her life?

Clearly this is a difficult and messy situation. It seems to me it needs to be a joint decision, and nobody has considered how the relationship may be harmed if OP is forced into looking after an unwanted baby/child.

Carla2601 · 27/03/2022 10:23

@HellToTheNope

However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare.

And you will do if you don't spell things out for her very, very clearly.

You tell her now that she will not be living with you and you will not be providing childcare. If she wants to be a grown up now, congrats to her, she's been granted her wish. If she foolishly chooses to become a mother at her age, she has to deal with the consequences.

I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

You are not taking anything away from her, you are simply stating your boundaries.

1955 calling, it wants its views back! Loving families don’t kick their pregnant daughters out of the only home they’ve ever lived in.

Absolutely agree re being clear about childcare - but the rest of your comment is total BS

katepilar · 27/03/2022 10:25
  • crocus776

I'm not sure why the boyfriend is getting such a hard time. He doesn't want a baby, he wants the life he planned and deserves.*

Perhaps because he also chose to have sex and created this baby? The girl also hasnt planned for this to happen yet she cant walk away from the fact she is pregnant.
Sorry but your post made me feel sick.

LowlandLucky · 27/03/2022 10:30

Write to her, telling her you won't be doing childcare other than 3 times a year babysitting for a few hours, ask her how she will be financially supporting the baby, where she will live and how on earth she is going to afford the pram, cot, clothes, blankets and a 1000 other things she will need before the baby even arrives. Tell her she will be a Mother for the rest of her life, she will never again make a decision that is only about herself. Underline that this baby will be in her care 24/7 and that you have your own life to lead and will not be giving up your job, lifestyle or peace.
No doubt your Daughter like all other teenage Mums won't have given a thought to how if she stayed in your home that the baby would affect your household, she will only see a cute baby in her arms.

crocus776 · 27/03/2022 10:30

@katepilar

She knew she might get pregnant, she knew he might walk away. This is not a case of him forcing her to have sex.

He doesn't want a baby. Which I think is sensible at 18.

itsgettingweird · 27/03/2022 10:31

* Bellavita* Thanks sorry to hear about DGC. But it sounds like you've raised a fabulous DC and his partners parents have done the same.

It goes to show that responsibility can be the making of people - but it often isn't when they have an easy get out to fall back on.

You can say she isn't staying at home and you aren't childcare without being unsupportive.

Member984815 · 27/03/2022 10:31

You need to let her make the decision herself but you need to provide her with a lot of information about costs and what you are willing or not willing to do . Obviously you will support her either way but she needs to know you can't upend your career and life because she thinks her life is boring.

Brefugee · 27/03/2022 10:33

I had a baby at 16, my parents were obviously less than happy (I wasn’t over the moon either!). Continued living at home, finished my A levels, worked whilst doing degree and Masters, and my child is now in their 20s. It is doable but your daughter will need your support.

good for you. Who gave you support? your parents? how much did it disrupt their plans for their life while you blithely went on doing exactly what you wanted and they supported you? How have you thanked/repaid them?

OP, I think you need to be very very clear with your daughter about what you are and more importantly are not prepared to do. And keep being very clear. If my daughter told me she had a good support network and not to patronise her, I'd ask her to outline it to me. And it isn't enough to have a plan for childcare etc, as we all know, you need Plan B, Plan C and right through the alphabet. You can support your daughter with things like keeping a roof over her head but the baby will wake you at night. Are you prepared for that (are you menopausal or likely to be soon? that can give you awful insomnia anyway, add a screeching baby in the night and you may feel as though you're losing your marbles)

What is she going to do during the uni vac? When her child goes to school what is she going to do for childcare?

As for her boyfriend, i feel bad for him but he should at least be paying towards things for his child. If you have sex a baby might be the result. he must step up. do you have a husband/partner? how does he feel?

Feelingoktoday · 27/03/2022 10:38

Mumsnet isn’t reality. On these posts there are always women who had a child at 15 and have risen to the top in their career, well educated, kept their friends and raised a lovely grounded child. But, out there in the real world, are plenty of single teenage mums, living in terrible conditions, poor housing with little support, the cycle of poverty continues. Not every parent can support their DD, not every parent has the financial means or energy to do it. I look at my 17 year old and think you don’t have a clue! It’s tough. It doesn’t always work out. I feel for you OP. Us parents have future plans too about our lives and mostly it doesn’t include helping to raise a baby again. Good luck,

Baconking · 27/03/2022 10:39

It's great that your DD has researched attending uni with a baby but has she said how she plans to fund the year out?

Obviously living at home so doesn't have all the utilities and rent costs but what about nappies formula, baby clothes etc?

BellePeppa · 27/03/2022 10:42

[quote AnastasiaRomanov]@DomesticatedZombie
Very few 17 year olds are financially self sufficient. Most are still at school. What kind of person would throw their child in the street when she’s pregnant?[/quote]
I’m amazed at posters on here saying the OP should say she can’t live there. I thought kicking your kids out because they’re pregnant went out decades ago. So many self righteous people here. If I were in the same situation as the OP I know I’d be a softie and have them live with me, even the boyfriend if he wanted to stick around but I understand not everyone would be like that.

Pumasonsatsumas · 27/03/2022 10:46

Have we really not moved on since the sixties when young mothers were forced though societal pressure to give up their babies? Where is the love and support for a young woman making a big, brave decision. Your daughter has more strength and sense of purpose than most of the 'grown ups' on this thread

Krakenchorus · 27/03/2022 10:46

Sit her down and have her set up a Mumsnet account. Let her start her own thread and ask for input.

Gonnagetgoing · 27/03/2022 10:49

I had an unplanned pregnancy at 17 and had an unwanted termination. I’d have been useless as a mother though as I wasn’t mature enough.

Get her to look at options.

Alcemeg · 27/03/2022 10:51

@Krakenchorus

Sit her down and have her set up a Mumsnet account. Let her start her own thread and ask for input.
Brilliant idea!
WildCoasts · 27/03/2022 10:52

I had a baby at 18. It didn't have to interfere with my time at university as there was childcare available on site and all the parents networked really well, but the major difference is that I lived with the baby's father and we were self-sufficient. To be fair, I did put my studies on hold for a while, but that was because I chose that.

I would sit your daughter down and make a plan. Make sure she is aware of the possible implications of whatever choice she makes, good and bad. I would be supportive but there would be boundaries on what I can do. I raised my kids, I have activities I don't want to give up now, so that would be a non-negotiable. I would be as supportive as I can and have a conversation about how she will make sure this doesn't happen again in future before she is self-sufficient.

As for the father, I'd go after him for child support. How supportive are his parents? He doesn't get off the hook. He created this child, now he has a responsibility. Maybe his parents failed to do so but I have made sure my sons know that they risk pregnancy anytime they have sex and they get no say in whether the woman has the baby or not, whatever their preference. His time to say he doesn't want to be a parent was before he chose to have sex. Too late now. Even if he does nothing else, he's on the hook for 18 years of child support payments.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 27/03/2022 10:52

As for her boyfriend, i feel bad for him but he should at least be paying towards things for his child. If you have sex a baby might be the result. he must step up.

20% (or whatever CSA rates are) of £0 is still £0.

He’ll be a student living off a loan and maybe a part time job- OP’s dd would be naive to think she can rely on his financial help for at least 4 or 5 years.

And if he does decide that he doesn’t want to be involved, guess what? There will be absolutely zero judgement or consequences for him.

Krakenchorus · 27/03/2022 10:53

@Pumasonsatsumas

Have we really not moved on since the sixties when young mothers were forced though societal pressure to give up their babies? Where is the love and support for a young woman making a big, brave decision. Your daughter has more strength and sense of purpose than most of the 'grown ups' on this thread
Or alternately she is naive and does not realise the financial, employment/educational and emotional consequences of her decision. Possibly abortion is the big, brave decision.
BellePeppa · 27/03/2022 10:55

@Pumasonsatsumas

Have we really not moved on since the sixties when young mothers were forced though societal pressure to give up their babies? Where is the love and support for a young woman making a big, brave decision. Your daughter has more strength and sense of purpose than most of the 'grown ups' on this thread
Absolutely. There are a number of posters here giving me visuals of stern Dickens characters and workhouses lol.
Movinghouseatlast · 27/03/2022 10:56

@Ansjovis I had a similar childhood. My real mum met a new boyfriend when I was 2. She wanted to be with him, she was at college, she wanted a life not stuck with her mum and dad at home with a toddler. My grandmother took over caring for me and then when.my mum wanted me back she said no. My mum left me with my grandparents, didn't fight for me at all. Lots of people's lives got fucked up including mine.

SulaSA · 27/03/2022 10:57

@Abaababa

I wouldn’t let the baby father off the hook so easily, tough shit that he thinks he won’t be involved as he’s too busy having a blast at uni.

I would make sure he, or his parents, are involved with childcare and certainly financial support, even if you have to get a CM order.

I agree with this. The baby's father and his parents need to take responsibility too.

Can you all sit down together and plan how this is going to work, practically and financially.

Young men seem to think it is ok to walk away, it isn't. He has responsibilities.
You may find that his parents want to be involved too and can offer support. This baby is their grandchild too.