DD is pregnant, not sure what do

[penguinmoonwalker]

Hey, dd is 17, 18 in June. She's pregnant unplanned and she has decided now she wants to keep the baby. I think she is naive and doesn't know how much work it will be and how it will take over every aspect of her life. When I've tried to talk to her about this she says that she isn't stupid and to stop patronising her. She says that she thinks that this happened for a reason and that part of her wants to be a young mum. She says she plans to do A levels in the summer as planned and then take a year out and go to uni September 2023 at a uni locally and tbf she has been doing some research on doing a degree with a baby. However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare. She wants to stay at home and I'll be honest I'd rather not have a young baby in the house. However there is no way I would ever kick her out and would much rather she was here with her baby than in wherever else she might go and I have told her this as I don't want to lie to her about it. She says that most girls who decide to get an abortion have no support and no other options but she feels like that is not true for her and that she could raise a child and that abortion should be the last resort. She also says that her life is 'kinda boring' at the moment.
Her bf seems like a reasonable guy and isn't putting any pressure on her but he doesn't want to be a father yet and he says that 'he will try and help a bit but won't make any huge sacrifices' and he will be going to uni in September and realistically he will hardly be involved
I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

I have several friends who did this. They all call themselves late bloomers as they went to uni, bought houses/started their careers slightly later than those of us who were allegedly more sensible.

Every one of them have had marvellous careers, they kids are fab too.

They def relied on relatives to help for sure, but children bring an amazing dimension to our lives and the grow up quickly, so really wondering what tge issue with a baby at your house is - bothered by nappies, toys and sticky fingers? The joy of a grandchild will out strip all of that.

Support your daughter, things will work out well for all of you xxx

Do you know anyone she could babysit for for an extended period of time ie over a night and then a day? I feel like she probably doesn't have a realistic view of life with babies!

@LollyLol, why would you do less for a younger woman who needs support than you would for a woman who doesn't? Are we back to the days were we punish young women for getting pregnant? I suppose you were in favour of the laundries?

@penguinmoonwalker, you're going to be doing more childcare than you would like. My DD did 100% when she was bf until they were 2. Then she grew into herself, wanted to date again, because let's face it how many people in their 20's don't miss sex. She also started to develop interests, which if course you can't do with a child under 5. Her uni friendship group will be at a completely different stage. She may befriend mature students who have children and they swap babysitting. I've seen that work. 'my life isn't exciting ' sounds in a rut. There was a new life waiting for her at 18. I'd talk through what having a child actually means. Is his Mum going to be involved?

I think we should be giving 30&40 year old partners a baby so that they can realistically see how they work too and see how easily the baby works in their life with absolutely no support.

Hi OP. I know it must be difficult for you to worry for your daughters future, and feeling she is making a mistake, but it is her choice.

She’s not listening to you because she knows you’re not supporting her decision right now. You need to embrace it, and listen to her side. Be emotionally supportive right now. The fact that she’s researching parenting and studying is a good sign.

Once you’ve opened up a good line of communication, it will be easier to explain some of the challenges she will face, and give her the opportunity to talk through all her options and how it could work. Rather than say ‘you won’t be able to do x once you have a baby’ try asking ‘have you figured out how x will work with a baby’. Allow her to come to you to talk through everything.

It’s really kind of you to say you won’t be kicking her out. You’re clearly a great mum, so have confidence that she will be too.

In respect of the bf. It’s clear he won’t be that involved, but when baby arrives he may feel differently and offer some support. Have faith! No, he can’t financially support her right now, but there’s plenty of financial support out there for young mums.

It’s a shame she won’t get to go out partying, and you can make it clear that she will miss this. Does she go out with friends lots? Festivals, clubs, spontaneous nights out are all gone. But I think that comes as a shock to new mums of any age!

You don’t have to provide financial support or babysitting services to be there for her. Emotional support is key here, whilst still keeping boundaries about what help you can provide. It will empower her to achieve and keep a good bond between you, which is so important. Make it clear what support you can offer. She’s not a child anymore, and I know plenty of people who had children young and are amazing parents.

Wishing you all well and I hope it works out for her, whatever she decides.

@Booboobagins, do you have a GC living with you? Are you co-parenting a child under 5 in your 50's? I love my GC, but I'd rather have been able to be a grandparent and not a co-parent.

They def relied on relatives to help for sure, but children bring an amazing dimension to our lives and the grow up quickly, so really wondering what tge issue with a baby at your house is - bothered by nappies, toys and sticky fingers? The joy of a grandchild will out strip all of that.

Maybe OP doesn't want this extra 'dimension'.

The choice to havw the child is her daughter's. The responsibilities will be her daughter's, too. If the OP decides to offer childcare, accommodation, financial support that's fine, but that also needs to be a freely made choice, not something OP is pushed, guilted or obligated into.

If it's any consolation I was naive at age 38 and had absolutely no idea how hard it would be ! And my so called partner of the same age with his own home and successful business was just as non committal as he boyfriend sounds . So age is irrelevant sometimes. At least your daughter has youth and energy on her side and a lovely mum who cares so much x

It's really hard. Despite any tough talk you'll love the grandchild and you'll end up doing childcare, because in the moment, you'll feel unreasonable for not doing so and watching her struggle.

Your daughter's decision really does impact more than just her and I don't envy you. Perhaps she needs to have done more than google, and ensure that she has had conversations with childcare providers and course leaders to have it all clear. Lots of things look possible in theory but it only takes one spanner in the works to crash the whole thing.

@Dontforgetyourbrolly exactly ! Same pressure on you though except you have a different pressure , you will get work questions and have to seem to have it all together .
She will have different pressures .

It’s all the same , motherhood is damn hard and the last thing this young woman needs is shame and judgment.

The only slight difference being more than probably her body and mind will bounce back, the joy of youth.

If the bf isn’t really interested and dosnt want to be involved I really hope she dosnt give the baby his last name. I know a lot of young girls in this situation do give the child the fathers last name in an attempt to try and make him be involved, it won’t work and then 10 years down the line your child has the last name of some random guy you haven’t seen or spoken to in 9 1/2 years. 😂

Hugs, OP. You must be torn. One thing is wanting to help and being able to withou damage to yourself is another, isnt it.

Its sad that the men can so easily say I dont want to be a parent yes and walk away while the girl either has to have the baby or an abortion that leaves her scared for the rest of her life. I wonder how these walk away fathers really feel inside.

The baby's father needs to step up and make sacrifices to provide practical and financial support too. He was prepared to have sex and take the risk of getting her pregnant so he needs to step up and live with the consequences. I have been making this very clear to my sons ever since they were old enough to think about sex. Men shouldn't get to walk away from the consequences of their choices. He can take a gap year and save up some money and support her, he can work alongside studying, he doesn't get to skip off into the sunset like he is nothing to do with this. I would think very little of any man who thought that was ok.

If you want her to see the realities of it, I'd advise her she needs to apply for benefits and move into her own space. I know you said you didn't want to do this, but letting her stay at home isn't helping her to understand what life is really like as a single parent.

Let her do the research and see what's available. Have her do a budget. How will she pay for escalating energy prices? How will she pay for transport between school/childcare/her new flat? It might be enough of a shock to spoil the unrealistic image she clearly has in her head.

To those who think the OP should tell her daughter to move out, where do you think she will go? She’s 17! The father isn’t going to be around .

It’s up to your daughter to make this decision without any pressure. If she feels forced into having a abortion it will affect your relationship for ever. I’m afraid you have to offer emotional and financial support and make the best of it if she decides to keep the baby. You can’t throw her out .

Also applying for benefits and moving into her own flat isn’t really an option. No landlords want people on benefits these days and she’d be living on her own.

I really wouldn’t try and encourage the OP to have her daughter move out. Give her at least a year after the baby arrives to settle into motherhood before turfing her out on her own, imagine trying to figure out motherhood on your own whilst trying to juggle bills and keeping a house all at 18/19 😩 we have children to love and nurture

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. My mother was a similar age when she had me and my childhood was absolute hell because of it, there's no other way I can describe it. Those people who are saying not to pressure her into an abortion are better people than me, no question.

My advice? You need to be cruel to be kind. If you let her stay in the house you will end up doing most of the caring for this baby and I think you know this. So either you want to sign up for essentially what's going to be another child, possibly a child like me who was deeply unhappy and confused with serious attachment issues (the latter of which still affect me to this day) or you tell her she has to leave and look after herself. I don't see a third option.

In my opinion the quicker you cut to it and see it for the choice it is the quicker you and your daughter can start to plan for what comes next. Wasting time talking about things that won't happen (her stepping up and parenting the child while she lives with you) isn't going to help her now.

They def relied on relatives to help for sure, but children bring an amazing dimension to our lives and the grow up quickly, so really wondering what tge issue with a baby at your house is - bothered by nappies, toys and sticky fingers? The joy of a grandchild will out strip all of that.

You know, it doesnt need to be nappies and sticky fingers. Its the never ending pressure. You cant switch the baby off to have a break. Theres constant tiredness in the air and noise, even if its a quiet baby. I dont even want to go into it more. It just add so much of everything that hasnt been therebefore. And even it its just pure joy, it can be too much of it with a small baby.

There isn’t anything you can do apart from talk to her and try and get her to understand how much it will change her life. But I doubt she will understand until baby is here.

Her boyfriends attitude ie: he isn’t prepared to make sacrifices, and will still be going to uni in September speaks volumes. He will settle in to uni life and seeing his (ex) girlfriend and baby will become a burden he eventually can’t be bothered with. He isn’t offering to delay uni, get a job for a year to help support your daughter and the baby. I think your daughter needs to view having this baby on her own.

As for you I think you will be more involved than you want to be. If your daughter lives at home and you want her to still go to uni and have a life she will need your help.

On the upside you could be a wonderful help to your daughter and have a close relationship with your grandchild.

Sometimes life throws huge curveballs at us that we don’t expect or want at the time! I say this as someone who had an unplanned pregnancy (and baby) at 45.

She's too young to understand what this will mean for you both, and takes your unconditional support for granted, which is lovely, but... I think you should be frank about how you feel. You did all the work bringing up your own child[ren] and really can't face doing it all over again right now, for many reasons, not least financial.

It's easy to be dreamy and idealistic at that age. I remember writing a noble letter to the government saying I didn't need to sign on for benefits because those should go to the more needy, and when I proudly announced this to my mum, she just said "Oh! I could have done with that money." It hadn't crossed my mind, and made me realise what a selfish twat I was being.

It's easy to get focused on support and care for your daughter, but she will soon be of an age where this should be a two-way street.

@sauvignonblancplz

Thank you ❤️ xx

They know we are immensely proud of them and what they have achieved. DS2 has matured into the finest of young men.

DS2’s relationship with DH hasn’t always been the best - he has put us through some right old tough times when he has got himself into scrapes (when younger - well from the age of about 2 really 😆). But now they are back to being father and son which is just wonderful to see.

OP I really feel for you. I think you and your DD need to sit down with his parents and discuss the situation and what is expected of them and their DS moving forward.

@AnastasiaRomanov

To those who think the OP should tell her daughter to move out, where do you think she will go? She’s 17! The father isn’t going to be around .

It’s up to your daughter to make this decision without any pressure. If she feels forced into having a abortion it will affect your relationship for ever. I’m afraid you have to offer emotional and financial support and make the best of it if she decides to keep the baby. You can’t throw her out .

You are pressurising the OP into supporting her daughter financially. How come it's okay for you to do that but not okay for the OP to set a boundary with her own life?

OP may choose not to support her daughter. That's up to her. I certainly wasn't reliant on my parents at that age, many people aren't.

Perhaps if you ask her exactly what it is that she feels is making her life boring currently. Or what is lacking?
Then the next question would be what would need to happen for her life to be not boring? What would she be doing / having / experiencing? In truth, she is at a boring and hard stage of life. She's getting her school qualifications so she can move on to uni and really start to live as a young adult. Which is so much easier and cheaper and more possible without any extra responsibility. How does she visualise her time being spent at uni? Like, a daily schedule? What does she think it could look like? Then how different would it be with a baby?

Can she write a list of everything she will need as a one-off for baby (cot, high chair, buggy, bedding, steriliser, bottles, sippy cup, towels, muslins, scratch mitts) and price them up. Then a list of intermittent costs - car seats, clothes, toys, books, calpol and price them. Then weekly costs - milk, nappies, wipes, nappy sacks, baby toiletries, baby food jars. I'm sure that I've forgotten things.

Talk her through a typical newborn day. A toddler day. A primary school age day, including helping with homework, doing spellings.

Is she ready for all that?
Raising a child is the hardest job we ever do. She needs to be aware of the full picture before embarking on this.
Do they still do those living baby dolls that used to be given to teenagers for a week?!

Do A' levels and care for a baby? Good luck to her with THAT one!