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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My sons behaviour is intolerable

133 replies

spk68 · 06/02/2022 07:04

Hello
I am just lost to know what to do with my 14 year old- soon to be 15. He is honestly the rudest meanest most toxic person I have ever met. He belittles all of us in the family, me his dad and brothers. Picks their weaknesses and mocks them - you’re fat , you’re thick, you’ve got a bald patch etc etc. He sneers at us, won’t talk to us unless he wants something, and has a way of making everyone feel rubbish. we have tried every thing- taking his gadgets away, sending him to bed, chores but nothing works. It’s now making my DH and me ill. DH says he wants him out but he’s 14. The atmosphere in the house is awful. I do not know what to do. DH told him last night that he has to go but he has nowhere to go. But the truth is he’s making our lives impossible. I just need some help/ advise/ suggestions how to turn this boy into a decent human being. I’m worried about how he will form relationships as he’s so mean.

OP posts:

BunnyRuddington · 06/02/2022 10:48

Do you agree with your DH telling him to go?

UserBot9to5 · 06/02/2022 10:49

No internet.

I'd do this if I were in a couple. I'm a single parent and my son is a half a foot taller. If I had a man in the house and I wasn't a bit scared of his reaction, I'd turn off the internet.

mommabear2386 · 06/02/2022 10:59

At 14/15 this is completely unacceptable. Take. Everything.away. Phone, tv in room, console and any money given. He can have access to books and the family room for conversation and tv watching together.

Until he becomes a better person and realises you and his dad literally support his entire life and is grateful for it then that life gets very small indeed. My friend went through this with her 15 daughter and it was hard but god did it teach her a lesson.

Her daughter used to scream that the government paid for her (child benefit) so my friend gave her the £84 a month buy deducted phone bill, internet and bus tickets(not essentials like gas or electric) she learnt real fast that things are much better being a child and respectful

Abbsie · 06/02/2022 11:00

What is your reaction to DH telling him to go? Are you judging your husband or do you agree?

If you both think he should go, then there is none in the house putting the child's needs first so you need to contact social services. They won't take him away. They will offer you a suite of parenting courses to help you understand teenage behaviour and enable you to improve your parenting and rebuild your family relationship.

If you disagree with your DH, then at least one oarent is putting teens needs at the centre of your thoughts. You may still benefit from the support of social services parenting courses.

Thus isn't something you'll learn from a thread on a forum board. You probably need a complete overhaul of your parenting style and methods.

You will be able to get through this though. Ternagers can be little shits, but they do get through it.

The answer is not to threaten throwing him out. That's only going to further damage an already fractured relationship. Good luck.

YukoandHiro · 06/02/2022 11:00

@UserBot9to5 With most families having at least one parent working from home, how is that even possible as a solution?

HotPenguin · 06/02/2022 11:02

What do you think is behind the behaviour? Have you thought about sending him for counselling to try and deal with his feelings?

spotcheck · 06/02/2022 11:03

Is DH his dad?

FlapsInTheWind · 06/02/2022 11:05

When I was at secondary school in the 1970s a lad in the year above had his parents sell their house and go off in a camper without him when he was 14. He was an obnoxious twat. He went home from school to find the place had been moved into by the new owners. I think he was taken into care. The parents bought a house in France after some years travelling if memory serves.

In your shoes I would be tempted by this I think.

YukoandHiro · 06/02/2022 11:06

How does he behave at school OP? What are his grades like? His friendships? His relationship with teachers and other support staff?
If he's fine in school but a monster at home that's actually a really good sign - it means he only does it because it's his safe space.
What have you tried other than punishments? How much time do you get with him 1-1? Does he talk to you about anything happening in his life?
You need to get to the bottom of whether there's anything other than hormonal rage at the bottom of this?
If it's just rage you need to not rise to it as much as you are. His moods controL him but you're the adult - why is the fact that he's being petty and rude controlling you so much? I'm not saying don't tell him off, but if he sees it affect you it gives it the power.
I was this teenager and used to make my mum cry pretty much daily. I've apologised so many times as an adult but I had no control at all over my emotions and feelings at that age, particularly around those I loved. What I needed was therapy but this was the 90s and nobody. I woildnrecommmed getting him into a safe space where he can explore why he feels such anger and vitriol.
I feel for him. It takes me right back there. It feels horrible when it's happening to you, if that's any consolation?
(I'm worried my inner monster might return with peri menopause too)

FlapsInTheWind · 06/02/2022 11:07

Sort of only joking (probably)

Comedycook · 06/02/2022 11:08

My ds is 13 and can have moments where he is incredibly rude. Our current tactic is to laugh and smile...I felt that when I got angry at his rudeness I was validating his behaviour and giving it more power than it deserved. Not sure if that makes sense! So for example, sometimes he will give us dirty looks if we pass him in the house. We would tell him off for it...now we just smile, laugh and shake our heads in disbelief.

SmolCat · 06/02/2022 11:09

we have tried every thing- taking his gadgets away, sending him to bed, chores
Instead of pushing him away I think you need to pull him in. Have you tried essentially love bombing? And have you tried asking him about why he’s doing it?

Every single time he says something awful say “well we love you”. There can still be consequences (eg no phone) but they are calmly given and separate.

Then at a quiet time, maybe when it’s just you and him in the car, ask him gently if there’s something going on. Really spell it out to him, but calmly, that every time he picks on someone’s appearance it really hurts them. And tell him you’re trying to figure out why he’s trying to hurt everyone and push everyone away. Reassure him that you’re not going anywhere.

BlueJag · 06/02/2022 11:10

We also have a 16 year old. To me you have to see the situation overall. You think he is solely the problem. That's seldom the case. You need to see every aspect of his life. How is his school life? His friendship group. Talk to his teachers. Learn how he is at school.
The more you take from him the worse is going to get. He'll have nothing to lose.
I'll start by doing nice things for him(sounds crazy I know) make him his favourite meal. Talk nicely to him regardless. Take him but only him for a treat. You need to love him even when you don't feel like it. Something is going on and all I hear is he needs a punishment.
You all need to stop reacting to his behaviour and he'll eventually learn that doesn't work.

SmolCat · 06/02/2022 11:11

@FlapsInTheWind

In your shoes I would be tempted by this I think.

Being abandoned by his family and taken into care is hardly going to help. Imagine what that boy was like in the years that followed. He’d either be an absolute broken shell or completely off the rails.

MissM2912 · 06/02/2022 11:14

He is attachment seeking. Sounds like he is deeply unhappy and you need to establish why rather than respond in a way that confirms his insecurities

titchy · 06/02/2022 11:16

@MissM2912

He is attachment seeking. Sounds like he is deeply unhappy and you need to establish why rather than respond in a way that confirms his insecurities

This x a billion.

THisbackwithavengeance · 06/02/2022 11:30

People will tell you to take their phones off them, shut down wifi, punish, punish, punish.. that might work for some kids but not others.

It didn't work for mine tbh.

One thing that really helped us when DS1 was going through his turbulent period was walking.

I used to walk with him at night. I would frame it as a walk to the garage or 24 hour supermarket to buy goodies which of course he would agree to. There was no attempt to talk. In fact we both had headphones on and listened to music. DS1 and I are both fast walkers so we would end up speed walking for miles and trying to outdo each other. Gradually the headphones came off and we started chatting. This happened over a period of many months, perhaps twice a week and it really, really helped our relationship and helped him to be able to admit his fears of the future, anxiety etc which he has now largely overcome.

He was a school refuser for 2 years but now goes to college, works part time and is doing well.

There is light at the end of the tunnel I promise.

Original poster

spk68 · 06/02/2022 11:37

Thanks all for your messages

I don't agree with DH that he should leave. He is only 14 so where is he going to go after all.
So by way of update we had a chat with him today. We have taken away his gadgets as that seems to be the minimum that we can do. We've told him that it is completely out of order the way he speaks to us and to his brothers and he needs to alter his behaviour ( don't think that's gonna work but who knows?)
But what we have said is that if he continues with this we will withdraw all financial support and he can leave school at 16 and get a job and pay us rent and then move out when he's 18. We are an academic family. His older brothers are both at uni but I absolutely refuse to finance him at uni if he carries on with this attitude. For my own mental health and my DH.
I do love him but I just don't like him at the moment.
Yes I agree that I need to get to the bottom of his angst. But he won't open up and we've tried to get him to a counsellor but he refuses.
He's not badly behaved at school - nor brilliant but actually school is not the issue. It's the way he us with us.
I'm totally heartbroken as this is not what I expected. He's my 3rd son. My older 2 boys had their moments but they are lovely young men now. Don't know what happened to my youngest?

OP posts:

lovenotwar149 · 06/02/2022 11:46

Catch him doing something right...something...and praise him for it...but not excessively. Start seeing something good in his behaviour....build on it. Be firm on abuse....it's not allowed.

Thurlow · 06/02/2022 11:50

But what we have said is that if he continues with this we will withdraw all financial support and he can leave school at 16 and get a job and pay us rent and then move out when he's 18. We are an academic family. His older brothers are both at uni but I absolutely refuse to finance him at uni if he carries on with this attitude. For my own mental health and my DH.

Good lord. How do you think conditions like that are going to help him? Act like your brothers and we’ll love you

I’m not disagreeing that his behaviour sounds intolerable but that kind of ultimatum to a fourteen year old is awful!

Original poster

spk68 · 06/02/2022 11:54

We have never compared him to his brothers. All 3 of them are different but we do expect him to be like them in terms of values and kindness.

OP posts:

Original poster

spk68 · 06/02/2022 11:56

I don't care if he goes to uni or not, don't care what he does but I do care that he's rude and unkind and wonder how this will affect his relationships going forwards
I'm trying my best

OP posts:

SmolCat · 06/02/2022 11:57

But what we have said is that if he continues with this we will withdraw all financial support and he can leave school at 16 and get a job and pay us rent and then move out when he's 18.

I mean... this is the exact opposite of what we’ve all suggested.

You’re essentially saying: ‘Stop being unhappy or we’ll make you unhappier.’

Yes I agree that I need to get to the bottom of his angst. But he won't open up and we've tried to get him to a counsellor but he refuses.
He doesn’t immediately open up and so your next step is to essentially wait 4 years until he leaves?

I agree with @Abbsie A parenting course could help you all.

SausagePourHomme · 06/02/2022 12:00

What positive attention are you giving him?

HollowTalk · 06/02/2022 12:01

How do his brothers deal with him when he insults them? Are they still living at home?

When was the last time he behaved OK? What was he like eg on Christmas Day?

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