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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My sons behaviour is intolerable

133 replies

spk68 · 06/02/2022 07:04

Hello
I am just lost to know what to do with my 14 year old- soon to be 15. He is honestly the rudest meanest most toxic person I have ever met. He belittles all of us in the family, me his dad and brothers. Picks their weaknesses and mocks them - you’re fat , you’re thick, you’ve got a bald patch etc etc. He sneers at us, won’t talk to us unless he wants something, and has a way of making everyone feel rubbish. we have tried every thing- taking his gadgets away, sending him to bed, chores but nothing works. It’s now making my DH and me ill. DH says he wants him out but he’s 14. The atmosphere in the house is awful. I do not know what to do. DH told him last night that he has to go but he has nowhere to go. But the truth is he’s making our lives impossible. I just need some help/ advise/ suggestions how to turn this boy into a decent human being. I’m worried about how he will form relationships as he’s so mean.

OP posts:
CindyLouWho1 · 06/02/2022 14:59

What was he like as a child?

Namechangeagoogoo · 06/02/2022 15:02

@THisbackwithavengeance

People will tell you to take their phones off them, shut down wifi, punish, punish, punish.. that might work for some kids but not others.

It didn't work for mine tbh.

One thing that really helped us when DS1 was going through his turbulent period was walking.

I used to walk with him at night. I would frame it as a walk to the garage or 24 hour supermarket to buy goodies which of course he would agree to. There was no attempt to talk. In fact we both had headphones on and listened to music. DS1 and I are both fast walkers so we would end up speed walking for miles and trying to outdo each other. Gradually the headphones came off and we started chatting. This happened over a period of many months, perhaps twice a week and it really, really helped our relationship and helped him to be able to admit his fears of the future, anxiety etc which he has now largely overcome.

He was a school refuser for 2 years but now goes to college, works part time and is doing well.

There is light at the end of the tunnel I promise.

This is a brilliant idea.
KittensTeaAndCake · 06/02/2022 15:02

@FlapsInTheWind

When I was at secondary school in the 1970s a lad in the year above had his parents sell their house and go off in a camper without him when he was 14. He was an obnoxious twat. He went home from school to find the place had been moved into by the new owners. I think he was taken into care. The parents bought a house in France after some years travelling if memory serves.

In your shoes I would be tempted by this I think.

Poor poor boy. That is so sad. Some people don’t deserve kids.
SprayItOnMe · 06/02/2022 15:04

We had one of our sons behave like that. Turns out he was smoking a massive amount of weed. When we took away all ways of getting money, he was forced to stop, went through an awful week of withdrawals (crying, not eating, not sleeping) but came out the other side our normal happy boy again.

This is me generalising massively, but all the boys that smoke weed in our local area (and seemingly all over as well) wear designer sports wear, black puffas, have man-bags, skin-fade hair with long front and listen to Drill. My own son included, sadly. The reason I'm saying that is you can potentially count it out if your son doesn't care what he looks like and stays in most o the time its not likely to be a weed habit.

Booboobibles · 06/02/2022 15:10

I have a similar nineteen year old who now lives with my ex. It was like living with an abusive partner but when it’s your child, instead of everyone shouting LTB, they blame your parenting. Does your son have Asperger’s or ADHD? Before I’m jumped on, my son has both, I have both and my other son just has Asperger’s and is a lot calmer.

I think that you have to go out of your way to do everything you can do to help him change….otherwise you’ll blame yourself if he goes off the rails. I know that’s incredibly difficult when he’s destroying your health and ruining the lives of the rest of the family and there has to come a time when you give up, but 14 is too young. I don’t know what age that should happen but I find that there’s too much guilt involved and thinking that my parenting hasn’t been adequate and I will have to pay for that forever.

My son has changed over the years and is nicer. He still can’t handle stress and is horrible to everyone if he is stressed. On the day of my dad’s funeral, my brother was trying to talk to him and he kept swearing at him. Over the years I’ve tried to tell him why he needs to be nice to people, even telling him that he should do it even if it’s for his own benefit. He just cannot understand why being kind is important!

There will be people giving you advice who haven’t had experience of living with this sort of very complicated abuse. I know how awful it is x

User310 · 06/02/2022 15:12

I don’t think punishing will help at all in this instance. I think communication is the only thing that will help (maybe therapy?) Have you ever just been frank with him? Asked him who the hell he thinks he is, Explained that you are humans not just mum and dad and how dare he bully you all? I would tell him the kind of person he had turned into and the consequences of his actions.

Sorry you’re having to go through this op

Coyoacan · 06/02/2022 15:14

There is some wonderful advice here. If punishment doesn't work, find another way. One thing that used to work serendipitously with my dd was when something would happen and she saw me jump to her defence. I don't think with all those punishments and threats to kick him out of the house, your child feels your love at the moment.

girafferafferaffe · 06/02/2022 15:24

We are an academic family.

This stuck out at me. It stinks of 'he'll never be good enough'. This was me at home. My dad (who outright called me stupid), my sister and brother. All very academic. Me? Arty. And not good enough.

It broke me. It sounds like he's struggling to fit in to that box too.

I wound hazard a guess he feels similar.

dapsnotplimsolls · 06/02/2022 15:29

How long has he been like this? Does he have friends? Has his friendship group changed recently?

Namechangehereandnow · 06/02/2022 15:34

Has he always been this way? How were his toddler years, younger years, from 10+? Has he just started this behaviour or has he always been challenging?

Toanewstart23 · 06/02/2022 15:38

It’s an ongoing saga

You posted two years ago a thread entitled

* My 13 year old son is just wicked*

converseandjeans · 06/02/2022 15:40

He sounds unhappy and there will be something that is making him unhappy. It might be-

  • not understanding things at school & feeling inadequate
  • bullying in school
  • abuse of some sort
  • smoking weed

I don't think threatening to kick him out is the right response. There's a surge in Mental Health issues due to lockdown. He might be depressed.

Whatever your husband thinks - it doesn't really work like that - teenagers are hard work so you send them away! Obviously some children do go into care but this doesn't seem like the answer.

Boarding school might be a good compromise if you can afford it.

SportsMother · 06/02/2022 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toanewstart23 · 06/02/2022 15:44

* Honestly I'm just so sad and upset atm, he has this really nasty streak which tbh he's had for years but I've always just tried to pretenwasn't there.*
I have taken away his computer, his phone was already confiscated for something he did last week. I have literally taken everything from him, don't know where to go from here.

You did the whole confiscating thing two years
Didn’t work then
So why rehash that again. Not going to work this time.

Your son needs progressional help
And the family need therapy with him

SmolCat · 06/02/2022 15:44

This sounds terribly passive aggressive, mind! 'Every single time he says something awful say “well we love you”.'
It does a bit @ringoutthebells. I taught it at some adoption training in dealing with similar behaviour though. It’s basically a way of shaking it off and letting the child/teenager know that firstly you don’t rise to them and secondly that you’re a constant loving presence that they can’t push away.

Original poster
spk68 · 06/02/2022 15:47

A lot of advice on here.
I know a lot of people are judging my parenting skills which is fine. I know I'm not perfect. I'm not asking for much. Just some respect.
Also if it was just him calling me fat I'd be ok. It's not he finds peoples weaknesses and makes cutting remarks.
My DH is his dad and I do appreciate that he was out of order telling our son to leave.
Also when I say we're an academic family what I mean is that we're always encouraged the kids to work hard and achieve. He is a bright lad, he wants to do well, I don't think it's drugs as there would be signs but I think it may be adhd as a few people have said

OP posts:
Jenjen21 · 06/02/2022 15:53

Please don't threaten to throw him out, I was that horrible kid, I ended up in care and on drugs as my mam and step dad put me out of the house. So so many traumatic experiences as a result of being homeless so young

I was a Complete pain in the arse, but I was also deeply deeply unhappy. My mam washed her hands of me and sided with my step dad who wanted me out of the house

I think I just needed love, I would of pushed away from love at first but it was what I needed. I felt so abandoned by my family and that still stays with me today, a deep Insecurity

I have a husband and kids now and really try deal with my kids in a diff way. We are not perfect by any stretch, but I try my. Best to deal with their behaviour with love. Explain that I love them but also not tolerate any shite either!

For me, as well as looking at my kids behaviour, I try to check my own behaviour and reactions.. No point fighting fire with fire. Sometimes I need to shut my mouth and talk later etc

I've had many times where my reactions have made me feel so shit so I try learn from that and act different the next time. Teenagers will always be teenagers! I think a lot of the time we need to change how we react to their behaviour and it can make a huge difference

Best of luck x

Original poster
spk68 · 06/02/2022 16:06

Thanks very much.
This is so true. I'm no way perfect and have to watch what I say when he bites.

OP posts:
Toanewstart23 · 06/02/2022 16:11

This is serious op and has been going on for years

Therapy for him
Family therapy

As a matter of urgent

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/02/2022 16:11

If this has been going for 2 years and it's no better then yes you do need urgent professional support. A bit of counselling just for your son isn't enough, even if he would aceept it.

You say his behaviour making you and DH ill. You can't parent him well if you're getting ill. You and DH need some professsional support for yourselves, for that reason alone.

SportsMother · 06/02/2022 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eightiesfan · 06/02/2022 16:29

He is a child and you and your DH are the adults. Taking away his gadgets is not going to work, it will just alienate him even more.
Has he always been like this? My DS1 turned into an absolute horror for about 9 months when he was in Y8/9. His hormones were probably raging. He poured water on our bed, and put the duvet over it so we found it all wet when we went to bed, threw shoes at us, bullied his younger brother I honestly thought he was possessed. It was as if he didn’t know how to control his behaviour at home. We didn’t engage and just sent him to his room until he calmed down. Eventually when his anger got the better of him he started taking himself to his room without any prompting from us.

Then literally one day he reverted back to our son, and was even sweeter than he was before. I don’t know if this is the case with your son, but DH throwing threats of kicking him out will stay with him and if anything will make his behaviour even worse.

Toanewstart23 · 06/02/2022 16:32

@Eightiesfan

How old is your son now?

Eightiesfan · 06/02/2022 16:38

[quote Toanewstart23]@Eightiesfan

How old is your son now?[/quote]
He’s 18 and an absolute sweetheart (most of the time!)

topcat2014 · 06/02/2022 16:39

I'd be getting the DH to leave.

I guessed Step. But even if not, this is not the behaviour of a loving parent.