Issues with 19yr Step-Son

[curseofkazar]

First time poster here... and I'm at my wit's end.

I've been with my wife for just over 10 years. I have a 16yr old daughter from a previous marriage, and my wife has a 17yr old daughter and a 19yr old son from hers.

When my wife and I got together, I understood that bringing up kids that weren't your own would be difficult, but my step-son is making my life a living hell and is driving a wedge between me and my wife.

In 2016, my wife and I bought out first house together. We literally kept it a secret from the kids with the surprise of moving them in on Christmas Day. We went to enormous effort to give all 3 kids the bedrooms of their dreams. Literally everything in their rooms was new. It was like something out of DIY SOS.

I'm not expecting the bedrooms to have stayed in show-home condition, but my 19 year old stepson's room in particular is disgusting. You can't see the floor, he hasn't made his bed in months, beer bottles all over the place, rubbish on the floor, his pillow looks like the back of Father Jack's armchair from Father Ted, and his bedroom smells like something has died.

For years I have been pushing him to declutter and get rids of things that he no longer uses or is broken. But the fact of the matter is he's a hoarder. He can't let go of his childhood.

The state of his room is symbolic of his life. He puts in no effort, he procrastinates whenever we tell him he needs to tidy up,

Since leaving 6th form, we pushed him into getting a job. He hasn't yet decided on a career and I don't think it's at the fore-front of his mind. He works in a supermarket most days from 1pm til 10pm. My wife/his mum (who is training to be a driving instructor) collects him every evening and gives him a driving lesson on the way home.

We give him and the other kids a daily chore before work / school and he constantly (conveniently?) forgets to do it. I've lost count how many times his laziness and disrespect has caused arguments between me and my wife, and it's affecting the rest of the household. My wife and I constantly discuss his behaviour and she gets on the defensive saying he's just a "typical teenager". But I don't agree. The boy has a serious issue and she is not addressing it. When she says she'll have a word with him, including laying out the consequences we've agreed on of not tidying his room or pulling his weight, she waters them down to the point where it has no effect. We then end up arguing and I end up just losing my rag. Suddenly, it's me that's "not normal".

I literally get to the point where I feel like I don't want to be in the house anymore. It's driven me to depression and I'm now taking anti-depressives. There's been times when I've just wanted to get in my car, turn off my phone and drive- as far away as possible. Anything to raise a point as I feel like I don't have the support of my wife on this matter. The only thing stopping me is the thought of leaving my own daughter there worrying about me.

My daughter is spending more and more time and my ex-wife's house and I can't blame her from wanting to be there with all the arguments it's causing.

Things have literally just come to a head. Again, we've told him he needs to tidy his room and he gives excuses for not doing it. To make matters worse, my wife is going through a health-scare at the moment and we are waiting on test results from a scan. I just explained this to my step-son, explaining that regardless of whether the results turn out to be nothing to worry about or not, one day his mum might not be around, and why it's important for him to start taking responsibility and help out more but there was no reaction from him. He literally doesn't care and carried on playing on his Xbox.

I asked him how he thinks he repays his mum for everything she does for him. After a long silence, I got "I do my chores" (no you don't), "I pay £90 a month towards the bills ("ok... but you're getting off lightly on that. Should be more), "I take my plates down to the dishwasher" (again, no you don't and that's what's caused this particular argument).

The situation is driving me insane. Anyone got any decent coping mechanisms or advice on dealing with his behaviour? I have this fear that he will still be living under the same roof in 10 years time with the same attitude and sense of self-entitlement.

Turn the wifi off on his Xbox.
Teenagers are not capable of making the same rational decisions adults do. Their brains aren’t yet wired up for it. Cut some slack.
Bag everything up in black bin liners off the floor, put in the garden or another and ask him to sort through.
Windows open for ventilation. Teenage boys can really honk.

I'd leave him alone about his room. It's his space. If he wants a mess in there it is up to him.

Did he have to do a 'chore' every day when he lived with his mum? Or is this a rule since he had the joys of living with you? It sounds like his mum isn't that convinced about your rules either.

If you read MN long enough you'll see that trying to blend families can often end in disaster. Particularly with different parenting styles.

Sorry I think you are taking the state of his room far too seriously and it is not fair of you to be nagging your sick wife about her son all the time. In the end he is holding down a fulltime job and you don't mention any other antisocial behaviour

You seem to be a bit of a control freak tbh

He can do what he wants in his room so I'd just leave him to it. I'd probably remove decaying food etc once in a while and change his bedding. At least he's working.

He sounds a bit depressed tbh and Covid has taken its toll esp a people his age have missed out on so much

Chores every morning are you mad.

No one does this or forces it upon family members. That's so weird and would annoy the hell out if anyone

Just take a step back and stop controlling their lives and worrying about a teenage boys bedroom

He's 19, he's an adult. I don't think you can address it like you would if he was five (or even three) years younger. The whole business with consequences for not tidying his room... makes it sound like he is 9 not 19.

The bedroom is gross - but does the smell permeate the hallway/house? Otherwise can you just leave the door closed?

Frankly you have bigger fish to fry with your wife's health problems.

It's not clear how much of the stress, arguments and atmosphere are due to him and how much are due to your focus on him. Take your daughter spending all her time at your ex-wife's - you say it's due to the arguments about her step-brother not her actual step-brother if you see what I mean.

Do you think he might be keen to move out and go flatting soon?

But your response seems very disproportionate. I think it would help if you could sort out what is really to do with your step-son, was is to do with your wife's health, what is to do with life in the pandemic, etc. I am sorry to hear you are struggling to the point of wanting to drive away.

I asked him how he thinks he repays his mum for everything she does for him.

Are you meant to 'repay' your parents?

To make matters worse, my wife is going through a health-scare at the moment and we are waiting on test results from a scan. I just explained this to my step-son, explaining that regardless of whether the results turn out to be nothing to worry about or not, one day his mum might not be around, and why it's important for him to start taking responsibility and help out more but there was no reaction from him.

That is incredibly emotionally manipulative and potentially damaging. Basically, 'your mum might die, do more chores'.

My advice, step RIGHT back. Leave his door closed and put a nice smelling candle or something in the hall. Don't be weird about the daily chore. He works 9 hour days FGS. He's not that lazy. And stop arguing about it. Honestly the shitty atmosphere isn't going to make anyone want to contribute. Work on the positive relationship.

Sounds like it's you driving the wedge tbh. He's 19, his behaviour sounds very very normal, if infuriating.

Disgusting of you to say his mum might die so he better tidy his room

Be grateful he has a job and contributes, keep his bedroom door shut and stop focussing on the state of his room. A room decorated in 2016 isn't a freshly decorated room and FWIW keeping a house move a secret is a weird thing to do.

At 19 you can't accuse him of not letting go of his childhood, he's barely out of it, it's not as if he's 35 and behaving like a sullen teen living in his childhood bedroom.

I’m afraid you sound very controlling. Maybe the reason your own dd is spending more time at her mothers is because of you and the arguments you’re having.
Having had 2 children who are now adults, I can empathise with the disgusting room situation. My solution was to give them a deadline for clearing their room, with a warning that I would go in and do it if it wasn’t done by a certain day. Which it never was! I’d then go in with the bin bags and washing up bowl, and clear it myself. I’d make sure they were home, so they knew. Everything that was left out would go in the bin bag, all dirty pots in the bowl, bin bag taken outside and put next to the bin, pots in the dishwasher, bed stripped and thrown in washing machine. 9 times out of 10 they’d come running in to stop me throwing their stuff in the bin bag, and rapidly put things back where they belonged.
Now,their bedrooms in their own homes are immaculate!

He pays £90 a month towards bills and doesn't tidy his bedroom. I'm not sure ( unless rats ) I'd be too bothered - shut the door. I am not sure using - your mum may not be around forever is helpful.

To try to be more helpful I would not project 10 years ahead and assume he is going to be the same forever - in many cases a good deal of difference between 29 & 19. So try not to put future worries ahead of very practical things - like - can you bring your plates down. Or buy paper plates for him & a roll of bin bags. I know that sounds silly - but it's meant to say - be pragmatic at the moment and try not to let it get to you or find a way of mitigating your irritation / distress about this. I agree a 19 year old should be able to tidy up after themselves and stick their own washing, including bedding in the washing machine, take down crockery they have used & stick beer bottles etc in a bin bag - but decluttering - I think that's a different issue - it's his stuff. It is his room. Maybe he wants to keep some childhood things - I know my DS does. If he can move about in it and it is clean & waste / rubbish thrown away - I reckon that is OK.

I can't imagine having moved into a house as a surprise and given him his "ideal" bedroom - how would I know what that was with out talking to him. & if DSS is 19 now that bedroom was done as a surprise for him when he was 14 - at 14 you suddenly realise your family has moved into without even a discussion. I am sure he isn't perfect but some of your comments, personally would make me think there are things to discuss on both sides.

That said I hope you can resolve it.

How you cope is you detach completely.
What he does behind his bedroom door and with this life is not your problem in any way shape or form. It's your wife's. As long as he isn't doing anything that directly affects you, forget about it. You'll be much happier and more peaceful this way.

I don’t think you can do anything as the stepfather. It’s really up to your wife to sort it and she’s obviously not prepared to so you need to decide if this is enough of an issue to break you both up. That’s the obvious solution.

As a parent of a 19 year old I would say pick your battles.

Firstly, I have been there with the bedroom situation and it drove me to distraction. But then I realised it was causing me far more stress to go on about it than it was him, so apart from food, and plates etc I just learned to shut the door on it and pretend it didn’t exist. Occasionally after badgering re plates and things I would lose it and get annoyed, and at that point he knew that I had reached my limit of tolerance and would bring them down, so it has become a thing that when I tell him it needs to be done then he does it. His bedroom is still another matter but I don’t have to go in there so whatever.

With regards to pulling his weight, I disagree that children shouldn’t have to do this, especially when there are 5 people living in the house, and the DC are plenty old enough to be pulling their weight. But I would frame it better in terms of what you expect, rather than when you expect it.

One of the things which drives me to distraction is the fact that if my DS cooks he never bloody clears up the kitchen afterwards. And probably the thing which annoys me most is that when we have guests over he will clear plates after them, will load the dishwasher, be the perfect teen, but when it’s just us he just laughs it off. So I did put my foot down in terms of saying that if he cooks, then the kitchen goes back to the condition it was in before he started.

I would try to look to helping him find work or training.
I would ignore the bedroom as it's a waste of time, it will be back to mess in a couple of days.
Have you all looked at training or apprenticeships, universities (where he lives away from home) etc.
What were his school results - does the local tech college offer anything. It's very hard if you've only ever been at school to expect kids to know how to enquire about jobs, visit unis, etc It 's hard for parents to know where the information is, career advice etc.
I would concentrate on that and even if he doesn't decide on some career or other it will plant some seeds. Most kids only know of what their parents or other close rellies do for a living. And they can look quite boring.

Sorry, hit send too soon:

In terms of work, very few kids are in the same work at 30 than they are at 18/19, even those who have a defined career in mind, unless it’s something like medicine or law which they take time to reach. So he doesn’t have a career. And? At least he has a job. I would be far more irritated if he were sat on his arse all day and I were supporting him, but he’s not.

And in terms of his mum’s health problems,while there absolutely needs to be some awareness of the fact she is undergoing some tests and what that might mean for her and the rest of you, he is 19, he is likely very aware that she may die, but the emotional blackmail achieves nothing other than to hope to guilt him into doing something rather than being able to negotiate.

I have serious health problems. In fact I went into ICU on the 1st day of my DS’ GCSE’s, spent 6 weeks in hospital, had a cardiac arrest, and was told at one point I was ineligible for a heart transplant and would be being sent home to die. And my parents stayed in my house for that time, and i often joke that between me going through all that, and my parents having to live with a teen during GCSE’s, I’m not sure who got the worse deal.

My DS absolutely knows that there is a chance I could die, in fact there’s a chance that I will, although I’m stable to the point of this not being something to be concerned with at this stage. But he knows about my health, my meds, when I go to appointments at the transplant clinics and my own cardiologists he asks what happened and I tell him honestly, including the time when I was told that I had maybe a year before my heart deteriorated to the point of needing to go on the transplant list. He’s aware that there are factors which might make transplant impossible at that time, and if that happens there will be only one outcome. (It didn’t happen like that as it goes, and I am still stable 2 years on,)

But we have these discussions because he deserves honesty and not being lied to, but there’s a difference between having conversations about things and throwing those things back in his face to achieve something through emotional guilt. The former is about open commmunication. The latter is about emotional blackmail and will achieve nothing.

Yes, he needs to be aware of his mum’s illness, not least because he’s old enough to know the truth. But he doesn’t need to be told that she might die if he doesn’t do x or y, or that if she is he’ll be on his own. He’s an adult, he knows what happens when people die, he doesn’t need to be told it might happen to him.

You need to stop transferring the stress of your wife’s illness to your DSS. That is uour issue to deal with in your way, he will deal with it in his.

He sounds like a typical teenager to me. He’s got a full time job which is better than some. It must be hard to properly get around to thinking/preparing for his future. Also the room sounds yuck but it’s only him who lives in it. Getting yourself worked up and into arguments won’t help things. And like someone else said don’t use his mum’s health to throw in his face over his room.

His bedroom is a tip, he is lazy at household chores.

This is your reaction: I literally get to the point where I feel like I don't want to be in the house anymore. It's driven me to depression and I'm now taking anti-depressives. There's been times when I've just wanted to get in my car, turn off my phone and drive- as far away as possible

Is your Dd staying away because of her step brother’s messy room (which she doesn’t have to go into) or because of the arguments and your depressive mood?

Drop the rope.

He has a full time job, 9 hours a day. If you think he should contribute more, arrange that, but better still let his mother sort it out.

Why should he ‘let go’ of his childhood?

At 14 I would have hated being moved into a new house, with no warning, and into a bedroom I had had no say in. Are you expecting lifelong shrine status to your DIY skills? It’s either his bedroom or it isn’t. If he was away at Uni you would have no idea what his room was like….or his kitchen habits.

Drop the rope. Stop arguing with your poor wife about it. If she leaves it be, or chooses to challenge her son about it, stay right out of it, either way. You will all be happier.

I mean, good grief, if we all reacted as you have done to a messy slobby teen, collapsing into depression etc, the country would be on its knees. Oh… well even more on its knees.

No food in bedrooms
Wifi on a timer
Chores on day off only

@GutsInMay

His bedroom is a tip, he is lazy at household chores.

This is your reaction: I literally get to the point where I feel like I don't want to be in the house anymore. It's driven me to depression and I'm now taking anti-depressives. There's been times when I've just wanted to get in my car, turn off my phone and drive- as far away as possible

Is your Dd staying away because of her step brother’s messy room (which she doesn’t have to go into) or because of the arguments and your depressive mood?

Drop the rope.

He has a full time job, 9 hours a day. If you think he should contribute more, arrange that, but better still let his mother sort it out.

Why should he ‘let go’ of his childhood?

At 14 I would have hated being moved into a new house, with no warning, and into a bedroom I had had no say in. Are you expecting lifelong shrine status to your DIY skills? It’s either his bedroom or it isn’t. If he was away at Uni you would have no idea what his room was like….or his kitchen habits.

Drop the rope. Stop arguing with your poor wife about it. If she leaves it be, or chooses to challenge her son about it, stay right out of it, either way. You will all be happier.

Agree with every word here.

It’s you that’s causing the atmosphere. You need to learn to shut the door to his room, let things go and stop making life stressful for your wife. If you ask her I would bet she would say the main issue in her life is how you react to things, not her son.

Chores on day off only seriously? Does that count for all the adults in the house then? Bearing in mind he is an adult and not a small child.

How does a household run if chores are only done on days off?

I agree with no food in bedrooms, but I’m not sure about WiFi timing. He does pay rent, and he lives there, and he’s not a baby. At 19 he shouldn’t be restricted to when he has WiFi or not.

But there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being expected to do his fair share in the house, even if that is simple things like loading the dishwasher.

If the smell is truly disgusting, can you have a bathroom extraction fan installed that is on a timer? Other than that, focus on pest control issues and fire hazards re: house insurance with your wife. Leave the details to her. It's bad timing for a major showdown with her health issues in play, so dial it right back and concentrate of what you can actually do to lessen the discomfort.

Agree with people above, that the surprise house/bedroom may have had the reverse effect to what you'd hoped. A lot of people don't like surprises, especially if it affects their 'stuff'. Good intentions, poor outcome.

Since leaving 6th form, we pushed him into getting a job. He hasn't yet decided on a career and I don't think it's at the fore-front of his mind. He works in a supermarket most days from 1pm til 10pm. My wife/his mum (who is training to be a driving instructor) collects him every evening and gives him a driving lesson on the way home.

The job and the driving are huge positives. Focus on these. Great achievements, even if you want more. Use any discontent he voices about work as a jump-off point for working out what he wants more.

What would happen if your wife died? He might not have physically reacted to that, but I bet he's thinking about it. Lot of Xbox means he's mentally running away from some painful stuff.

At 19 he shouldn’t be restricted to when he has WiFi or not.

Pointless, apart from making a point. He'll just pay for his own.

OP I understand how these small annoyances can grow and seem really significant. But this is the lowest possible rung of anti social behaviour.

Even if you don't accept what PP say that you are the problem - you surely accept that what you have been doing for years has not been working. Time for a change of tack.

I'd suggest time to stop prioritising a clean bedroom over family harmony. Because that's what you're doing. New year's resolution: simply don't mention it for two months. Then look back on 1 March and see how much more calm and pleasant things are at home.