Issues with 19yr Step-Son

[curseofkazar]

First time poster here... and I'm at my wit's end.

I've been with my wife for just over 10 years. I have a 16yr old daughter from a previous marriage, and my wife has a 17yr old daughter and a 19yr old son from hers.

When my wife and I got together, I understood that bringing up kids that weren't your own would be difficult, but my step-son is making my life a living hell and is driving a wedge between me and my wife.

In 2016, my wife and I bought out first house together. We literally kept it a secret from the kids with the surprise of moving them in on Christmas Day. We went to enormous effort to give all 3 kids the bedrooms of their dreams. Literally everything in their rooms was new. It was like something out of DIY SOS.

I'm not expecting the bedrooms to have stayed in show-home condition, but my 19 year old stepson's room in particular is disgusting. You can't see the floor, he hasn't made his bed in months, beer bottles all over the place, rubbish on the floor, his pillow looks like the back of Father Jack's armchair from Father Ted, and his bedroom smells like something has died.

For years I have been pushing him to declutter and get rids of things that he no longer uses or is broken. But the fact of the matter is he's a hoarder. He can't let go of his childhood.

The state of his room is symbolic of his life. He puts in no effort, he procrastinates whenever we tell him he needs to tidy up,

Since leaving 6th form, we pushed him into getting a job. He hasn't yet decided on a career and I don't think it's at the fore-front of his mind. He works in a supermarket most days from 1pm til 10pm. My wife/his mum (who is training to be a driving instructor) collects him every evening and gives him a driving lesson on the way home.

We give him and the other kids a daily chore before work / school and he constantly (conveniently?) forgets to do it. I've lost count how many times his laziness and disrespect has caused arguments between me and my wife, and it's affecting the rest of the household. My wife and I constantly discuss his behaviour and she gets on the defensive saying he's just a "typical teenager". But I don't agree. The boy has a serious issue and she is not addressing it. When she says she'll have a word with him, including laying out the consequences we've agreed on of not tidying his room or pulling his weight, she waters them down to the point where it has no effect. We then end up arguing and I end up just losing my rag. Suddenly, it's me that's "not normal".

I literally get to the point where I feel like I don't want to be in the house anymore. It's driven me to depression and I'm now taking anti-depressives. There's been times when I've just wanted to get in my car, turn off my phone and drive- as far away as possible. Anything to raise a point as I feel like I don't have the support of my wife on this matter. The only thing stopping me is the thought of leaving my own daughter there worrying about me.

My daughter is spending more and more time and my ex-wife's house and I can't blame her from wanting to be there with all the arguments it's causing.

Things have literally just come to a head. Again, we've told him he needs to tidy his room and he gives excuses for not doing it. To make matters worse, my wife is going through a health-scare at the moment and we are waiting on test results from a scan. I just explained this to my step-son, explaining that regardless of whether the results turn out to be nothing to worry about or not, one day his mum might not be around, and why it's important for him to start taking responsibility and help out more but there was no reaction from him. He literally doesn't care and carried on playing on his Xbox.

I asked him how he thinks he repays his mum for everything she does for him. After a long silence, I got "I do my chores" (no you don't), "I pay £90 a month towards the bills ("ok... but you're getting off lightly on that. Should be more), "I take my plates down to the dishwasher" (again, no you don't and that's what's caused this particular argument).

The situation is driving me insane. Anyone got any decent coping mechanisms or advice on dealing with his behaviour? I have this fear that he will still be living under the same roof in 10 years time with the same attitude and sense of self-entitlement.

@SportsMother

She doesn't parent him and she never checks his room

That’s a very shitty comment, and says nothing positive about your character at all. It will make people wonder if you are as verbally hostile to his mother as you are to him. It is marriage-ending shitty.

OP: despite repeated prompts you have chosen to say nothing kind or decent about this young man whom you disparagingly refer to as The Boy. It is obviously a term of contempt rather than affection.

People will assume that he has lived under the cost of your ill temper for years now, within the inevitable grinding down of his self esteem into depression and self-loathing.

Until you are prepared to engage in a bit of self reflection this situation cannot improve.
Even with stuff like the plates, you have the opportunity to not repeat the same action whilst pretending to be surprised at the same result.

What you are doing will never achieve what it is you say you want, so you need to try to be honest about what you do actually want, or accept that your actions here are ineffective.

What's wrong with "the boy"? What would like me to refer him as?

It's not meant to be disparaging. I call my daughter and step-daughter "the girls".

And yes - there is very little to be positive about. It's just the way it is. What if there is LITERALLY nothing to be positive about?

Sportsmother - I literally don't understand how you've come to the conclusion that calling my SS "the boy" is a sign of contempt rather than affection.

You keep questioning my responses, but I can't take your responses seriously when you draw these odd conclusions.

I bet under his pricklyness he’s a nice boy.

Try and be his friend and mentor.

Calling your step-son "the boy" is a contemptuous term in my opinion too, in the same way as calling your spouse "the wife" is like treating her like an object or chattel and demeaning (not that you have). "The girls" is a convenient way of referring to two girls, so is acceptable.

I think you are causing the stress for your wife, and not your step-son!

No one could be this devoid of insight?

I think you’re causing the stress too.

Live and let live.

Give him a break, he has a job. Wait for him to grow up.

What's wrong with "the boy"? What would like me to refer him as?

It's not meant to be disparaging. I call my daughter and step-daughter "the girls".

Do you genuinely not see the difference? If not, you're probably a bit emotionally unintelligent and that's worth knowing. Because that's does imply you struggle with empathy and seeing other points of view.

I actually think it is you with the problem. This is a ridiculous amount of stress over an untidy bedroom and a stroppy selfish lazy teenager. This is TYPICAL teenage behaviour. Would you constantly argue because a toddler was throwing tantrums? Because the brain development is the same.

I bet if you spoke to your daughter she'd say she was more upset at the arguments and YOUR behaviour than about her step brothers messy bedroom.

Get a grip & support your wife through her health scare. Butt out of her parenting. If you're that miserable then leave.

You're going to destroy your relationship with your family & it will be because of your behaviour.

I thought you were going to say he was doing drugs, smoking, hosting randoms & being abusive.

I'm amazed at how many are treating this 19yo adult like a young teen.

It's not beyond the realms of possibility for a 19yo to work FT and do chores etc.

I loved abroad without my parents at that age.

If I lived at home I'd expect to be respectful of the fact I'm lodging in someone else's home who is under no obligation to house me - my Parents or not.

I'd try a different tact.

Up his rent. Pay him back small amounts as a reward for complying with house rules! I don't agree you should have to but an incentive may just be the starting point he needs!

And of it isn't he's met the real world of what it costs to live outside the home and he's set up for the fact he'll have to move out!

Sounds like it's you who's the problem.

Well thanks everyone for your support. Was hoping for some empathy and thanks to those who expressed it.

For everyone else, thanks for highlighting how much of a shitty parent I am. Hope you're all wonderful parents.

Thread can be closed now.

Sounds like typical teen behaviour to me, they are all different but many are messy and lazy. If you look in the plus side…he has a job and he’s having driving lessons which is more than some teens. My dd is 17 and messy, I just shut her door and forget about it, if she wants to live in a shit hole that’s her choice, I don’t have to look at it, I certainly don’t check her room (she’s almost an adult). I remind her once a week to bring her washing down or it won’t get washed other than that I leave her to it.

Okay... a 19 year old wants to be treated like an adult, but doesn’t/cant always act like one.
Take a step back, his room is his space, don’t clean it, don’t change his bed, don’t do his laundry... all of this is his personal space and lifestyle choice.
Everyone should have some chores that serve the general good of the household.. cooking, communal space cleaning, loos, bins, dishes etc.. this is showing respect for yourself and everyone you live with and is also good training for all the youngsters for when they fly the nest.
Don’t get bogged down in arguments about his stuff... cos it is HIS stuff. If he was given a freehand to ‘declutter’ your belongings... his priorities and decisions would make you faint!!! So why shouldn’t he feel the same.
There is a huge difference between how YOU chose to decorate a bedroom for a 14 year old boy and what a 19 year old young man would prefer... maybe offer to buy some tins of paint so he..... HE.... can decorate to something like his own taste.
And, finally, as an adult with a steady income he should be paying a damn sight more rent!!!
Choose your battles, and take care of his Mum!

You are NOT a shitty parent... sometimes we get so close to a problem we just can't see the reasons for it any more...
This too will pass!

@curseofkazar

Well thanks everyone for your support. Was hoping for some empathy and thanks to those who expressed it.

For everyone else, thanks for highlighting how much of a shitty parent I am. Hope you're all wonderful parents.

Thread can be closed now.

If you just want everyone to agree with you, that's one thing. Useless, but it's a thing.

If you actually want advice, sack up, swallow your pride, and read what people have written. Defensiveness is natural but won't change the situation. You'll do more of the same. And then you'll get more of the same.

We're all imperfect parents muddling through.

Was hoping for some empathy and thanks to those who expressed it.

Yes, well, this is Mumsnet, known for not pulling any punches! Try the Step-Parenting forum if you are feeling very, very brave

I think you're pretty alone and unsupported in your role, and working hard with what you have. Try proceeding with the provisional possibility that SS has ADHD. Read up on it and see if you can pick out relevant strategies for your situation. Tentatively try one or two, and if you find that successful, proceed with more confidence. Success breeds success, and if your wife notices a positive difference she will begin to take you more seriously.

Actually, you are doing OK. He's been in full-time work throughout the pandemic and that looks pretty good on a CV. So buff up your fingernails and give yourself a pat on the back.

And all the best for your wife with the scan.

Maybe just bluntly stating that no women is ever going to want to date some fella who still lives in his ma's box room

He sounds depressed. You sound controlling, cold and materialistic.

The big sook and flounce, combined with a demand to close the thread because it didn't go your way, tells us a lot about you OP.

You're not really a listener or a thinker are you? It's your way or the highway. Your poor wife, like she doesn't have enough on her plate.

I'm surprised so many think that a nineteen year old behaving like a 15 year old and managing to hold down a job is an achievement.
Why aren't you looking to find a decent future for him. Helping get to college or something. You need to ignore the lazy annoying things and start conversations about interesting work.

“Brainstorm: the power and purpose of the teenage brain” is a really useful book to help with this.
Most of what is happening is normal teenage behaviour but you can’t use the same tactics as you did with a 14 year old.
It’s clearly not working at the moment but flouncing off when people who have been through the same thing are trying to explain that, is a bit of a clue as to how this has all escalated.

I feel your pain and all of these posters who are focusing on your language are spectacularly missing the point - probably driven from a complete lack of understanding about how horrific teenage step children can be.
Most definitely harder than teenage children of your own!
You are a better person than I am for doing so much and putting up with it for so long.

@YourenutsmiLord

I'm surprised so many think that a nineteen year old behaving like a 15 year old and managing to hold down a job is an achievement. Why aren't you looking to find a decent future for him. Helping get to college or something. You need to ignore the lazy annoying things and start conversations about interesting work.

I found a better paid job for him close to where he works with more sociable hours. I asked him why not go for it and he's quite content working in the supermarket.

He's done his A-levels but isn't pursuing a career in his interests. He's not interested in going to college or Uni