Issues with 19yr Step-Son

[curseofkazar]

First time poster here... and I'm at my wit's end.

I've been with my wife for just over 10 years. I have a 16yr old daughter from a previous marriage, and my wife has a 17yr old daughter and a 19yr old son from hers.

When my wife and I got together, I understood that bringing up kids that weren't your own would be difficult, but my step-son is making my life a living hell and is driving a wedge between me and my wife.

In 2016, my wife and I bought out first house together. We literally kept it a secret from the kids with the surprise of moving them in on Christmas Day. We went to enormous effort to give all 3 kids the bedrooms of their dreams. Literally everything in their rooms was new. It was like something out of DIY SOS.

I'm not expecting the bedrooms to have stayed in show-home condition, but my 19 year old stepson's room in particular is disgusting. You can't see the floor, he hasn't made his bed in months, beer bottles all over the place, rubbish on the floor, his pillow looks like the back of Father Jack's armchair from Father Ted, and his bedroom smells like something has died.

For years I have been pushing him to declutter and get rids of things that he no longer uses or is broken. But the fact of the matter is he's a hoarder. He can't let go of his childhood.

The state of his room is symbolic of his life. He puts in no effort, he procrastinates whenever we tell him he needs to tidy up,

Since leaving 6th form, we pushed him into getting a job. He hasn't yet decided on a career and I don't think it's at the fore-front of his mind. He works in a supermarket most days from 1pm til 10pm. My wife/his mum (who is training to be a driving instructor) collects him every evening and gives him a driving lesson on the way home.

We give him and the other kids a daily chore before work / school and he constantly (conveniently?) forgets to do it. I've lost count how many times his laziness and disrespect has caused arguments between me and my wife, and it's affecting the rest of the household. My wife and I constantly discuss his behaviour and she gets on the defensive saying he's just a "typical teenager". But I don't agree. The boy has a serious issue and she is not addressing it. When she says she'll have a word with him, including laying out the consequences we've agreed on of not tidying his room or pulling his weight, she waters them down to the point where it has no effect. We then end up arguing and I end up just losing my rag. Suddenly, it's me that's "not normal".

I literally get to the point where I feel like I don't want to be in the house anymore. It's driven me to depression and I'm now taking anti-depressives. There's been times when I've just wanted to get in my car, turn off my phone and drive- as far away as possible. Anything to raise a point as I feel like I don't have the support of my wife on this matter. The only thing stopping me is the thought of leaving my own daughter there worrying about me.

My daughter is spending more and more time and my ex-wife's house and I can't blame her from wanting to be there with all the arguments it's causing.

Things have literally just come to a head. Again, we've told him he needs to tidy his room and he gives excuses for not doing it. To make matters worse, my wife is going through a health-scare at the moment and we are waiting on test results from a scan. I just explained this to my step-son, explaining that regardless of whether the results turn out to be nothing to worry about or not, one day his mum might not be around, and why it's important for him to start taking responsibility and help out more but there was no reaction from him. He literally doesn't care and carried on playing on his Xbox.

I asked him how he thinks he repays his mum for everything she does for him. After a long silence, I got "I do my chores" (no you don't), "I pay £90 a month towards the bills ("ok... but you're getting off lightly on that. Should be more), "I take my plates down to the dishwasher" (again, no you don't and that's what's caused this particular argument).

The situation is driving me insane. Anyone got any decent coping mechanisms or advice on dealing with his behaviour? I have this fear that he will still be living under the same roof in 10 years time with the same attitude and sense of self-entitlement.

OP, I get the impression you have an oldish house that could use a bit of updating. As your SS is now an adult, it's a good time to rethink the facilities in his room - both to your advantage and to his.

As lots of Mums are telling you above, teens these days behave in ways that were unacceptable to parents when you were that age. So instead of having loads of pinch points in your home, attack the problem creatively to rid yourself of the main points of contention. Something else that you might do that would ease your life and his is to install a vanity unit in his bedroom. The half empty beer bottles get emptied down the sink, you don't have rinse out his shavings from your bathroom, he can pee in the sink at night etc. Electric point there for both electric toothbrush and shaver - win, win.

Then add in a larger wastebin (think laundry basket size). Bottles will get lobbed in for target practice, but do you care? In is in.

This all unacceptable and I can't believe people are saying to pick your battles.

Up his rent - he's an adult working full time. £90 is ridiculous.

Don't allow him to use family plates and cutlery anymore as he can't be trusted to bring them back.

If he wants to treat his room like a slum, he can pay proper rent for it and provide his own plates/cups etc!

There could also be ADHD/ADD in the mix. Worth thinking about because helpful strategies exist for coping better.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4341860-adhd-diagnosed-as-an-adult-how-do-you-cope

@SpaceshiptoMars

OP, I get the impression you have an oldish house that could use a bit of updating. As your SS is now an adult, it's a good time to rethink the facilities in his room - both to your advantage and to his.

As lots of Mums are telling you above, teens these days behave in ways that were unacceptable to parents when you were that age. So instead of having loads of pinch points in your home, attack the problem creatively to rid yourself of the main points of contention. Something else that you might do that would ease your life and his is to install a vanity unit in his bedroom. The half empty beer bottles get emptied down the sink, you don't have rinse out his shavings from your bathroom, he can pee in the sink at night etc. Electric point there for both electric toothbrush and shaver - win, win.

Then add in a larger wastebin (think laundry basket size). Bottles will get lobbed in for target practice, but do you care? In is in.

My house is only 15 years old. I don't see your point? Why would I want to install a vanity unit in his bedroom? Why would I want to go to that expense? The main bathroom is literally next door.

I've never said I had problem with stuff like rinsing out shavings from the sink.

Why do you refer to him as " the boy. " ?
l am a widow with two sons aged 16 and 20 and reading this post reminds me l made the best decision ever, not to bring another man into our home.

@Moonface123

Why do you refer to him as " the boy. " ? l am a widow with two sons aged 16 and 20 and reading this post reminds me l made the best decision ever, not to bring another man into our home.

Sorry - I don't see your point. What should it matter how I refer him as?

When my wife and I met and got together he was a 9yr old boy. I refer to my daughter and step-daughters as "girls"

@SpaceshiptoMars

OP, I get the impression you have an oldish house that could use a bit of updating. As your SS is now an adult, it's a good time to rethink the facilities in his room - both to your advantage and to his.

As lots of Mums are telling you above, teens these days behave in ways that were unacceptable to parents when you were that age. So instead of having loads of pinch points in your home, attack the problem creatively to rid yourself of the main points of contention. Something else that you might do that would ease your life and his is to install a vanity unit in his bedroom. The half empty beer bottles get emptied down the sink, you don't have rinse out his shavings from your bathroom, he can pee in the sink at night etc. Electric point there for both electric toothbrush and shaver - win, win.

Then add in a larger wastebin (think laundry basket size). Bottles will get lobbed in for target practice, but do you care? In is in.

Also, I want him to get his own independence and start making his own way out in the big wide world. Why would I want to make life more comfortable for him?

Do you want your step daughter out of the house too or does it only apply to boys?

@curseofkazar

I'll also add that the "surprise" was in that it was done on Christmas Day. The kids knew all along we'd be moving but didn't know exactly when. We even discussed things such as what colour they'd want their bedrooms to be, etc.

I can't believe are making a nice thing into such a drama... any child would LOVE a new house a bedroom on Christmas Day. These replies are stupid 🙄😂

@WhatScratch

Do you want your step daughter out of the house too or does it only apply to boys?

No - my step-daughter is lovely. Yes, she can be a messy teenager but at least she acknowledges it and puts things right.

I actually completely agree with you OP.

I think it shows a massive lack of respect for his mum, you and the house.

I would suggest that your wife needs to take the lead in managing him and sorting his hygiene and bedroom out.

Any issues you have going forward, I would mention to her to get resolved as she clearly isn't bothered by the laziness of her child.
She will soon get sick of having to baby him and hopefully she can parent him properly to learn hygiene and manners!

You could also cut out any privileges (driving lessons, Xbox, phone etc) whilst he isn't listening and being very lazy.

Or pay a cleaner to come in and clean his bedroom and he can pay the bill 😂

There are times when I just want to go in his room and just blitz it with the hoover and bin-bags. Do the decluttering, get rid of the rubbish and put it back into a habitable environment.

But I know doing this will cause just as much friction because I've entered "his room" and gone through "his stuff".

Much in the same room I've had to go into "his room" to retrieve "my stuff" (the plates etc)

You don't have a relationship with him after 10 years, which is sad.

You and him will just butt heads so let his mum parent him. Surely she is irritated by plates in room? I understand the frustration as I don't agree with food in bedrooms BUT his behaviour or lack of focus isn't something that happens overnight, it's been building up.

Could he also be depressed? Back off, build a relationship with him and let his mum sort out the parenting.

@user87653848

I actually completely agree with you OP.

I think it shows a massive lack of respect for his mum, you and the house.

I would suggest that your wife needs to take the lead in managing him and sorting his hygiene and bedroom out.

Any issues you have going forward, I would mention to her to get resolved as she clearly isn't bothered by the laziness of her child.
She will soon get sick of having to baby him and hopefully she can parent him properly to learn hygiene and manners!

You could also cut out any privileges (driving lessons, Xbox, phone etc) whilst he isn't listening and being very lazy.

Or pay a cleaner to come in and clean his bedroom and he can pay the bill 😂

Thanks for your backup on this. Apart from the driving lessons, cutting privileges such as Xbox and phone aren't workable. And nor would I ever envisage having to do this to a 19 year old adult.

I shouldn't have to treat a 19 year old like a 14 year old.

@Fireflygal

You don't have a relationship with him after 10 years, which is sad.

You and him will just butt heads so let his mum parent him. Surely she is irritated by plates in room? I understand the frustration as I don't agree with food in bedrooms BUT his behaviour or lack of focus isn't something that happens overnight, it's been building up.

Could he also be depressed? Back off, build a relationship with him and let his mum sort out the parenting.

She doesn't parent him and she never checks his room

His dad doesn't parent him either (he stays with his dad at alternative weekends). His coping mechanism has been to change his bedroom at his house into his home office to prevent him from making it messy. Oh.... and spend as little time with him as possible

Why would I want to install a vanity unit in his bedroom? Why would I want to go to that expense? The main bathroom is literally next door.

The half-empty bottles are bothering you. This is one possible solution.

The expense is justified because it adds value to your house.

Also, I want him to get his own independence and start making his own way out in the big wide world. Why would I want to make life more comfortable for him?
Most parents these days consider 19 too young to push out the door. I know, I know, I was gone at 17, you too probably. However, he still has some stuff to learn from you both - eg driving, changing career to something more profitable perhaps. If you can wind down the tension between you, remove those daily points of contention, you may make more headway.

I also think he may have ADHD, and it would be wise to rule that out before getting too heavy with him. If my hunch is correct, you need different strategies with him to those you are currently working with.

If you replace daily entry to his room on plate search with one or two clearances for the sake of building work/carpet cleaning - you get significant payback for less conflict.

^Theres your answer.

Your comment about his dad I mean.

It sounds as though nobody can really be arsed with this lad. I feel sorry for him, tbh. He's 19 - these days that's really quite young, and if he was your son and not your stepson I respectfully suggest that you would be less eager to wash your hands of him.

I have a 19yo (he's a first year uni student) and while very capable in some respects, he's nowhere near the finished article. I'm still teaching him to cook, listening to his ideas and fears and problems, guiding where he wants me to, reminding him about stuff. He's young. I'm in no hurry to be rid of him. Is there anyone in your stepson's life who feels that way about him?

She doesn't parent him and she never checks his room

Good plan. Do this.

And lock the cutlery drawer and buy a lovely new set. He can wash the ones he has or go without.

@SpaceshiptoMars

Why would I want to install a vanity unit in his bedroom? Why would I want to go to that expense? The main bathroom is literally next door.

The half-empty bottles are bothering you. This is one possible solution.

The expense is justified because it adds value to your house.

Also, I want him to get his own independence and start making his own way out in the big wide world. Why would I want to make life more comfortable for him?
Most parents these days consider 19 too young to push out the door. I know, I know, I was gone at 17, you too probably. However, he still has some stuff to learn from you both - eg driving, changing career to something more profitable perhaps. If you can wind down the tension between you, remove those daily points of contention, you may make more headway.

I also think he may have ADHD, and it would be wise to rule that out before getting too heavy with him. If my hunch is correct, you need different strategies with him to those you are currently working with.

If you replace daily entry to his room on plate search with one or two clearances for the sake of building work/carpet cleaning - you get significant payback for less conflict.

I really don't think installing a vanity unit will encourage him to empty his beer bottles. He has a bin in his room - it doesn't encourage him from putting rubbish in it!

Also, I can't see it adding value to the house. I think I'd get some pretty odd looks from potential buyers as to why there's sink when there's another sink literally the other side of the bedroom wall. He practically has an en-suite!

Yes you may be right about the ADHD. I've been begging my wife to get him assessed but she won't. At least then we'll have a reason for his mindset and actually have somewhere to start from.

I shouldn't have to treat a 19 year old like a 14 year old.

Things are different these days! Neurodiverse problems are exacerbated by the junk food diet modern teenagers want to live on. Internet, games, phones - all intense stimulation that makes normal life boring in contrast, and sleep only an option. You were not up against all this at his age so try not to compare your normal with his.

Also - this lad doesn't have a good relationship with you or his Dad - so he doesn't have a role model to follow. All push, no pull. Unless there is a Grandad or Uncle he adores?

If you're at the stage of taking anti depressants to cope with him not cleaning his room, I think the problem lies with you? He's working and contributing. If he wants to live in a pig sty, let him. They do grow out if it. Eventually.

@SpaceshiptoMars

I shouldn't have to treat a 19 year old like a 14 year old.

Things are different these days! Neurodiverse problems are exacerbated by the junk food diet modern teenagers want to live on. Internet, games, phones - all intense stimulation that makes normal life boring in contrast, and sleep only an option. You were not up against all this at his age so try not to compare your normal with his.

Also - this lad doesn't have a good relationship with you or his Dad - so he doesn't have a role model to follow. All push, no pull. Unless there is a Grandad or Uncle he adores?

SS's GD #1 - Passed away. Was relatively close SS's GM #1 - Complicated situation and my wife wants nothing to do with her. Hates men. Hates her daughter (my wife). Has tried to buy off my SD, and my SS in particular with lavish presents. Has a history of trying to poison my SS against me and my wife. Also had a very toxic relationship with my SS's dad. Can't help but feel she is the root cause of all the problems.

SS GD #2 - Has dementia and lives other side of the country. Never really had the chance to form a close bond
SS GD #2 - Also has dementia.

My mum and dad are very supportive, but he also shows very little respect to them. I remember our first family holiday with my parents and he called my mother an "old cow". This was when he was about 12.