First time poster here... and I'm at my wit's end.
I've been with my wife for just over 10 years. I have a 16yr old daughter from a previous marriage, and my wife has a 17yr old daughter and a 19yr old son from hers.
When my wife and I got together, I understood that bringing up kids that weren't your own would be difficult, but my step-son is making my life a living hell and is driving a wedge between me and my wife.
In 2016, my wife and I bought out first house together. We literally kept it a secret from the kids with the surprise of moving them in on Christmas Day. We went to enormous effort to give all 3 kids the bedrooms of their dreams. Literally everything in their rooms was new. It was like something out of DIY SOS.
I'm not expecting the bedrooms to have stayed in show-home condition, but my 19 year old stepson's room in particular is disgusting. You can't see the floor, he hasn't made his bed in months, beer bottles all over the place, rubbish on the floor, his pillow looks like the back of Father Jack's armchair from Father Ted, and his bedroom smells like something has died.
For years I have been pushing him to declutter and get rids of things that he no longer uses or is broken. But the fact of the matter is he's a hoarder. He can't let go of his childhood.
The state of his room is symbolic of his life. He puts in no effort, he procrastinates whenever we tell him he needs to tidy up,
Since leaving 6th form, we pushed him into getting a job. He hasn't yet decided on a career and I don't think it's at the fore-front of his mind. He works in a supermarket most days from 1pm til 10pm. My wife/his mum (who is training to be a driving instructor) collects him every evening and gives him a driving lesson on the way home.
We give him and the other kids a daily chore before work / school and he constantly (conveniently?) forgets to do it. I've lost count how many times his laziness and disrespect has caused arguments between me and my wife, and it's affecting the rest of the household. My wife and I constantly discuss his behaviour and she gets on the defensive saying he's just a "typical teenager". But I don't agree. The boy has a serious issue and she is not addressing it. When she says she'll have a word with him, including laying out the consequences we've agreed on of not tidying his room or pulling his weight, she waters them down to the point where it has no effect. We then end up arguing and I end up just losing my rag. Suddenly, it's me that's "not normal".
I literally get to the point where I feel like I don't want to be in the house anymore. It's driven me to depression and I'm now taking anti-depressives. There's been times when I've just wanted to get in my car, turn off my phone and drive- as far away as possible. Anything to raise a point as I feel like I don't have the support of my wife on this matter. The only thing stopping me is the thought of leaving my own daughter there worrying about me.
My daughter is spending more and more time and my ex-wife's house and I can't blame her from wanting to be there with all the arguments it's causing.
Things have literally just come to a head. Again, we've told him he needs to tidy his room and he gives excuses for not doing it. To make matters worse, my wife is going through a health-scare at the moment and we are waiting on test results from a scan. I just explained this to my step-son, explaining that regardless of whether the results turn out to be nothing to worry about or not, one day his mum might not be around, and why it's important for him to start taking responsibility and help out more but there was no reaction from him. He literally doesn't care and carried on playing on his Xbox.
I asked him how he thinks he repays his mum for everything she does for him. After a long silence, I got "I do my chores" (no you don't), "I pay £90 a month towards the bills ("ok... but you're getting off lightly on that. Should be more), "I take my plates down to the dishwasher" (again, no you don't and that's what's caused this particular argument).
The situation is driving me insane. Anyone got any decent coping mechanisms or advice on dealing with his behaviour? I have this fear that he will still be living under the same roof in 10 years time with the same attitude and sense of self-entitlement.