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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Issues with 19yr Step-Son

119 replies

curseofkazar · 20/12/2021 03:15

First time poster here... and I'm at my wit's end.

I've been with my wife for just over 10 years. I have a 16yr old daughter from a previous marriage, and my wife has a 17yr old daughter and a 19yr old son from hers.

When my wife and I got together, I understood that bringing up kids that weren't your own would be difficult, but my step-son is making my life a living hell and is driving a wedge between me and my wife.

In 2016, my wife and I bought out first house together. We literally kept it a secret from the kids with the surprise of moving them in on Christmas Day. We went to enormous effort to give all 3 kids the bedrooms of their dreams. Literally everything in their rooms was new. It was like something out of DIY SOS.

I'm not expecting the bedrooms to have stayed in show-home condition, but my 19 year old stepson's room in particular is disgusting. You can't see the floor, he hasn't made his bed in months, beer bottles all over the place, rubbish on the floor, his pillow looks like the back of Father Jack's armchair from Father Ted, and his bedroom smells like something has died.

For years I have been pushing him to declutter and get rids of things that he no longer uses or is broken. But the fact of the matter is he's a hoarder. He can't let go of his childhood.

The state of his room is symbolic of his life. He puts in no effort, he procrastinates whenever we tell him he needs to tidy up,

Since leaving 6th form, we pushed him into getting a job. He hasn't yet decided on a career and I don't think it's at the fore-front of his mind. He works in a supermarket most days from 1pm til 10pm. My wife/his mum (who is training to be a driving instructor) collects him every evening and gives him a driving lesson on the way home.

We give him and the other kids a daily chore before work / school and he constantly (conveniently?) forgets to do it. I've lost count how many times his laziness and disrespect has caused arguments between me and my wife, and it's affecting the rest of the household. My wife and I constantly discuss his behaviour and she gets on the defensive saying he's just a "typical teenager". But I don't agree. The boy has a serious issue and she is not addressing it. When she says she'll have a word with him, including laying out the consequences we've agreed on of not tidying his room or pulling his weight, she waters them down to the point where it has no effect. We then end up arguing and I end up just losing my rag. Suddenly, it's me that's "not normal".

I literally get to the point where I feel like I don't want to be in the house anymore. It's driven me to depression and I'm now taking anti-depressives. There's been times when I've just wanted to get in my car, turn off my phone and drive- as far away as possible. Anything to raise a point as I feel like I don't have the support of my wife on this matter. The only thing stopping me is the thought of leaving my own daughter there worrying about me.

My daughter is spending more and more time and my ex-wife's house and I can't blame her from wanting to be there with all the arguments it's causing.

Things have literally just come to a head. Again, we've told him he needs to tidy his room and he gives excuses for not doing it. To make matters worse, my wife is going through a health-scare at the moment and we are waiting on test results from a scan. I just explained this to my step-son, explaining that regardless of whether the results turn out to be nothing to worry about or not, one day his mum might not be around, and why it's important for him to start taking responsibility and help out more but there was no reaction from him. He literally doesn't care and carried on playing on his Xbox.

I asked him how he thinks he repays his mum for everything she does for him. After a long silence, I got "I do my chores" (no you don't), "I pay £90 a month towards the bills ("ok... but you're getting off lightly on that. Should be more), "I take my plates down to the dishwasher" (again, no you don't and that's what's caused this particular argument).

The situation is driving me insane. Anyone got any decent coping mechanisms or advice on dealing with his behaviour? I have this fear that he will still be living under the same roof in 10 years time with the same attitude and sense of self-entitlement.

OP posts:

Winniemarysarah · 20/12/2021 10:54

This is one of the most dramatic posts I’ve ever read over one of the smallest issues. If you’re honestly suicidal and taking anti depressants over a messy bedroom and a teenage boy not doing his chores then I think you need therapy ASAP. Literally refusing to the children that they are moving house, and trying to guilt trip your step son over his mother’s potential death is frankly extremely disturbing and quite sick

Original poster

curseofkazar · 20/12/2021 12:37

I think some people on here are getting the wrong end of the stick here...

I didn't say guilt trip him over his "mother's potential death". He knew already his mum had a hospital appointment. He's 19 years old and an adult. My wife consented to telling him what the appointment was for. I didn't mention her impending death - nor would I... ever!. I mentioned that one day his mum, his dad, me etc couldn't always be relied upon and he needed to step-up and stand on his own two feet. He needed a dose of reality.

His bedroom is in a hazardous state. Electric extension leads into extension leads, sitting next to half drunk bottles of beer. Accident / fire waiting to happen. Not to mention the health risks of poor hygiene, food poisoning etc. He doesn't ventilate his room or even open the curtains.

By hoarding dirty plates, cutlery, glasses, mugs etc he's demonstrating selfish behaviour to everyone else in the house. What causes the arguments in the first place is the fact I have to go hunting for the cutlery and plates in order for everyone else in the house to be able to use them. I can't exactly shut the door on it and ignore it, and when the pile of rubbish is so high with the plates and cutlery underneath, it's particularly unavoidable. I can't trust him to bring them down when asking because he literally doesn't look.

The daily chores are simple 5 minute tasks. Emptying/loading the dishwasher, clearing up after the dog, emptying the waste paper bins etc - including the bins in their own bedroom. It's beyond me how he manages to put rubbish around the bin, not actually in it!

We've tried every tact to get him to be more grown up. We really had to push him and conjole him into getting a full-time job as he was quite simply content on sitting on the Xbox or playing his guitar all day, surrounded by a pile of rubbish and old junk.

What causes the arguments in the first place is the fact I have to go hunting for the cutlery and plates in order for everyone else in the house to be able to use them. I can't exactly shut the door on it, and when the pile of rubbish is so high with the plates and cutlery underneath, it's particularly unavoidable. I can't trust him to bring them down when asking because he literally doesn't look.

Yes I realise an untidy bedroom may seem trivial, but its symbolic of an underlying issue with his attitude towards me, his mum and the family in general.

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 20/12/2021 12:57

Slowly increase the amount he contributes to the household over time. Maybe an extra £50/month every six months or whatever. First thing you spend some of that money on, is paper plates and plastic glasses and cutlery (yes, yes, very ecofriendly!) Make it a rule that only the disposable stuff gets taken upstairs.

Get an electrician in to add extra sockets - that sorts out the trailing leads hazard. At the same time he can wire up the extractor fan that either he or the plumber have installed to take care of the aeration issue. (My plumber found one that can be installed from the inside of the house).

See? Some of this is under your direct control . Doing this will make you feel a lot better, and that it is your house after all.

SpaceshiptoMars · 20/12/2021 13:02

So you're winning, aren't you? He now works long shifts full-time. Brilliant. Now rest up a little, you've earn't it. Stop to breathe and savour your winnings

Your wife is teaching him to drive. Stage 2 in the independence game. Maybe that's quite a challenge for him. One battle at a time, you're getting there, and his Mum is doing her bit.

xxxGirlCrushxxx · 20/12/2021 13:03

@AlternativePerspective

Chores on day off only seriously? Does that count for all the adults in the house then? Bearing in mind he is an adult and not a small child.

How does a household run if chores are only done on days off?

I agree with no food in bedrooms, but I’m not sure about WiFi timing. He does pay rent, and he lives there, and he’s not a baby. At 19 he shouldn’t be restricted to when he has WiFi or not.

But there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being expected to do his fair share in the house, even if that is simple things like loading the dishwasher.

He pays £90 a month!!!!!

Chores on days off leaves him no room to say he's working, tired, or any other shit excuse!

Day to day stuff like washing up, laundry etc I don't see as chores

Chores to me are things like mowing the lawn, washing the car, cleaning windows.... none of which I would do when I have a 9 hour work shift the same day

dancemom · 20/12/2021 13:11

@curseofkazar

I think some people on here are getting the wrong end of the stick here...

I didn't say guilt trip him over his "mother's potential death". He knew already his mum had a hospital appointment. He's 19 years old and an adult. My wife consented to telling him what the appointment was for. I didn't mention her impending death - nor would I... ever!. I mentioned that one day his mum, his dad, me etc couldn't always be relied upon and he needed to step-up and stand on his own two feet. He needed a dose of reality.

His bedroom is in a hazardous state. Electric extension leads into extension leads, sitting next to half drunk bottles of beer. Accident / fire waiting to happen. Not to mention the health risks of poor hygiene, food poisoning etc. He doesn't ventilate his room or even open the curtains.

By hoarding dirty plates, cutlery, glasses, mugs etc he's demonstrating selfish behaviour to everyone else in the house. What causes the arguments in the first place is the fact I have to go hunting for the cutlery and plates in order for everyone else in the house to be able to use them. I can't exactly shut the door on it and ignore it, and when the pile of rubbish is so high with the plates and cutlery underneath, it's particularly unavoidable. I can't trust him to bring them down when asking because he literally doesn't look.

The daily chores are simple 5 minute tasks. Emptying/loading the dishwasher, clearing up after the dog, emptying the waste paper bins etc - including the bins in their own bedroom. It's beyond me how he manages to put rubbish around the bin, not actually in it!

Yes I realise an untidy bedroom may seem trivial, but its symbolic of an underlying issue with his attitude towards me, his mum and the family in general.

It's not that people are getting the wrong end of the stick at all. you're not listening to anyones replies. All you have done in this post is repeated all your points from your OP.

xxxGirlCrushxxx · 20/12/2021 13:15

I kind of get up op

I once had a house share with someone similiar. No dishes/cutlery etc was SO frustrating. The mess , all of it. Stressful

xxxGirlCrushxxx · 20/12/2021 13:15

*get it

GoGoGretaDoll · 20/12/2021 13:40

I am done with grown men locking horns with teenage boys. It's not a given that it has to be like this, you know. You can choose to interact in a given way instead of having a literal pissing contest every single sodding day. Your wife must be going up the wall.

Put his rent up and buy some more crockery and cutlery. Seriously, if you're off hunting for plates every day, how little do you have and how much does he eat? Keep the door shut. Ask your wife to go crockery diving when necessary. Avoid this stress and this flashpoint in your life. You will feel better for it. You don't have to win this war, you can just walk away.

And did you really blend two families as a 'surprise'? Because that's some higher level teen trolling right there, Lou.

WhatScratch · 20/12/2021 13:45

So he’s working at least 45 hours a week? Gosh, how lazy. I think you need to back off. He’s 19, he’s working, he’s paying keep. That room is his personal space.

The only issue I can see that’s directly impacting the family is his taking all the plates. All glasses, mugs, plates, knives, forks and spoons come downstairs. He gets a set of cutlery with coloured handles, a patterned mug, a coloured glass, a patterned plate and a patterned bowl that are his. Stick them together on a shelf. He can use the same as everyone downstairs because this isn’t a punishment - it’s a solution to being short on plates because they’re all in his room. Only his own stuff can go upstairs. Anything else? Let it go.

You’re arguing with your wife, obsessing over his room and it’s not achieving anything but making you miserable and making the house a stressful place to live. If you were going to be infested with rats or have the house burn down it would’ve happened by now. Try to step back from that and see the good.

I think it’s very telling that you say ‘he can't let go of his childhood’ when he’s 19. He’s lived there since he was 14? He’s at the in between stage where teenagers develop into grown ups and that’s fine. They don’t have to have everything sorted out the night they turn 18.

‘The state of his room is symbolic of his life. He puts in no effort … we pushed him into getting a job. He hasn't yet decided on a career and I don't think it's at the fore-front of his mind’

This is a 19 year old who is working! He might not have figured it all out yet but he’s holding down a job and earning money. Give him some credit.

Maybe you could redirect the energy you’ve focused onto him into another area of your life. Something that would help you to feel more satisfied and positive.

Original poster

curseofkazar · 20/12/2021 13:50

"It's not that people are getting the wrong end of the stick at all. you're not listening to anyones replies. All you have done in this post is repeated all your points from your OP."

I wasn't repeating. I was clarifying and adding to the points I raised - in particular with regards to the fire hazard and clarification over what was said about his mother having a health-scare, and why it's particularly important for people to be pulling their own weight. I was also clarifying what was meant by "chores". And by explaining why I couldn't simply "shut the door".

Now I feel like I've repeated myself.

Moving on to other suggestions...

WiFi Password? Done that, tried chat, bought the T-shirt, didn't work. This was when he was in his mid-teens.

Extractor fan in the bedroom to get rid of the smell? Great idea and worth considering. Although it would mean he'd still have to tidy his room in order for the electrician to get to the other side of the room.

Upping his "housekeeping"? Maybe.

Only allowing (eco-friendly) disposable plates, cutlery and cups in the bedroom? That's actually a great idea.

OP posts:

Original poster

curseofkazar · 20/12/2021 13:54

@GoGoGretaDoll

And did you really blend two families as a 'surprise'? Because that's some higher level teen trolling right there, Lou.

We all lived together for 5 years in rented accommodation before moving into our own home. Blending the two families together wasn't done overnight.

So the family has actually been together for over 10 years.

OP posts:

xxxGirlCrushxxx · 20/12/2021 14:02

No, just ban food in bedrooms!!!

His carpets/soft furnishings will absorb food smells

Original poster

curseofkazar · 20/12/2021 14:05

I'll also add that the "surprise" was in that it was done on Christmas Day. The kids knew all along we'd be moving but didn't know exactly when. We even discussed things such as what colour they'd want their bedrooms to be, etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

curseofkazar · 20/12/2021 14:07

@xxxGirlCrushxxx

No, just ban food in bedrooms!!!

His carpets/soft furnishings will absorb food smells

Too late and one of the reasons why we need him to tidy his room is so we can shampoo the carpet and get rid of the food stains and smell. It's a catch-22 situation

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 20/12/2021 14:22

Too late and one of the reasons why we need him to tidy his room is so we can shampoo the carpet and get rid of the food stains and smell. It's a catch-22 situation

Don't make life complicated and stressful. Tell him the job has to be done and that anything not in drawers/cupboards/boxes will be black-bagged for the duration. Then dump everything out somewhere else and let a contract cleaner deal with it. The son can extract whatever he needs from the black bags at his leisure.

If you wait for him to tidy up, you are letting him dictate the household order. So just grab a clothes peg for your nose, and marigolds as protection, and do a flying bag it and run session. He might complain a bit, but when those extra sockets go in and the tension drops he'll be much happier.

As you can tell, I've dealt with a similar problem!

Heresmyhr · 20/12/2021 14:29

I know it’s already been mentioned but just wanted to reiterate - get some paper plates & bowls & plastic cups (not as easy as it used to be to find these). It’s what I’ve done with my son as he will not put anything in the dishwasher. He’s 21 & has refused to do this since he was in primary school, despite being asked every day! I also bought some extra cutlery from IKEA as the plastic stuff broke easily.
We were running out of plates so I gave him the choice of paper plates or putting his plates in the dishwasher, he chose paper and will use them and put them in the bin but would not put an actual plate in the dishwasher?? I don’t know if it’s a control thing but it’s reduced some stress!!
When he goes out I open his window, as he won’t & the the wall is getting mouldy.
He used to leave his clothes on the floor so I refused to wash them & he now does put them in the was basket.
It’s really hard and I’ve wanted to give up many times but there must be an underlying reason for the behaviour. I believe my son wanted to upset me, though I don’t know why? Try and ignore the room if you can, give him the choice of paper OR putting his used plates in the dishwasher, then at least he has some control in the situation.
Make sure you have a smoke alarm/fire blanket near his room if it’s genuinely a fire hazard.
Good luck, life with young adults is not easy but he is probably upset with the situation too but doesn’t know how to get out of it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2021 14:51

I mentioned that one day his mum, his dad, me etc couldn't always be relied upon and he needed to step-up and stand on his own two feet. He needed a dose of reality.

You think this isn't bad but it is bad. Trying to emotionally manipulate teenagers, particularly step-children, is not OK. And it doesn't work because they stop caring what you think if you don't have a good relationship.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/12/2021 15:08

Let me get this right.

You are making life difficult for an older teen who is paying rent and us working, because his room is a tip?

All our teens rooms were horrible. Don’t go in. Just ignore it. I can’t see what he’s doing wrong. He’s working, paying board and having driving lessons. What more do you want?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/12/2021 15:10

I mentioned that one day his mum, his dad, me etc couldn't always be relied upon and he needed to step-up and stand on his own two feet. He needed a dose of reality.

And this is appalling. My dc are adults. I hope they will always rely on it come to me if needed. Until the day l drop dead.

Cas112 · 20/12/2021 15:29

You sound very controlling and I think your getting more wound up he wont do exactly what you want him to do at all times. He's a teenager, they are like this. Stop letting it wind you up so much they get better

SportsMother · 20/12/2021 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blanketpolicy · 20/12/2021 15:40

You don't like "the boy" and are nit picking at him constantly. That is never going to work with a teenager, pick you battles and room tidying shouldn't be one of them when your relationship is this fractured.

He also has a mum with a health scare. Terrifying for a teenager, even if they don't show it and you don't seem to recognise he may be feeling this way.

Everything you say about him is negative, it is no wonder he doesn't respond to you.

Tell us some things positive about him?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/12/2021 15:42

Mmmm nitpicking is the word.

I bet he’s fine round other people.

SportsMother · 20/12/2021 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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