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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd won’t tell us her GCSE results- anyone else experienced this?

343 replies

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 09/09/2021 12:47

And if so how did you approach it?

All I know is that they were good enough for her to do the A Level subjects she wanted, which is nice.

Is it just us? Has this ever happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
msgreen · 10/09/2021 19:53

chances are the grades are so good
otherwise why would she keep them secret

TheWeeDonkey · 10/09/2021 20:08

@Bebethany

Good point TheweeDonkey. Ive my 18 year old granddaughter living with me, I love her being here but she lies about everything and I at the end of my tether. When I ask her to stop, she says ‘well I changed my mind, as an adult Nan, I can do that’!
My 20yo tells me what he thinks I want to hear when he feels like telling me. It stresses the f* out of me.
2Hot2Handle · 10/09/2021 20:14

I’d ask her why she won’t share the results. Explain that as adults and parents you’re open and honest with her about things and you’d expect the same from her. I have friends that don’t like to share information, but will ask you all about your life and I tend to be guarded around them because of it, yet I’m an open book around people that behave the same way.
The way I see it, it could affect your DD’s future relationships, if she doesn’t understand that transparency and openness is part of a trusting relationship.

Mollymoostoo · 10/09/2021 20:59

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel

I understand from friends who work in school admin roles that school would not be allowed to tell us without her permission. So I could phone school to discuss the issue (which I am thinking about doing) but not expect to be given the information. (Unless they have a different interpretation of the legal situation of course, which is possible.)
Students have to remove consent for info being shared with parents. If you are getting school reports, you should be able to get exam results. You do have the right to know, she is a child and you are her parents. I assume she is expecting to live at home and be financially supported through college/6th form? A little curtousey for you being her parents is expected in return. When my son got his a level results we were up at 8am refreshing the UCAS website. After half an hour and the results came in, he finally admitted he had already had a welcome text from his chosen uni and just enjoyed seeing us sweat. We have the right to celebrate our children's success because we have supported them to achieve. Anyone who says that success is all down to the student is missing the bigger picture.
Mollymoostoo · 10/09/2021 21:00

@2Hot2Handle

I’d ask her why she won’t share the results. Explain that as adults and parents you’re open and honest with her about things and you’d expect the same from her. I have friends that don’t like to share information, but will ask you all about your life and I tend to be guarded around them because of it, yet I’m an open book around people that behave the same way. The way I see it, it could affect your DD’s future relationships, if she doesn’t understand that transparency and openness is part of a trusting relationship.
This is spot on.
Sittingonabench · 10/09/2021 21:37

@GreyhoundG1rl yes actual shock! There is no benefit to this course of action except undermining the independence a young adult is trying to achieve and quite a lot to lose. Why would anyone choose to put their child in that position?

Notmulan · 10/09/2021 22:14

Perhaps she’s worried you’ll dispute her grades at school and embarrass her.

If I were a parent I couldn’t bear not knowing , but I have tiger mum tendencies and that isn’t always an admirable trait ;)

GreyhoundG1rl · 10/09/2021 22:16

@Notmulan

Perhaps she’s worried you’ll dispute her grades at school and embarrass her.

If I were a parent I couldn’t bear not knowing , but I have tiger mum tendencies and that isn’t always an admirable trait ;)

Yet she's not embarrassed that her Mum has been reduced to dealing directly with the school to find out the results, so the teachers are aware of her weird carry on 🤷🏻‍♀️
tolerable · 10/09/2021 22:36

tell her-thats fantastic /.how many subjects is that.?are you crash course others.whats the plan. ?

Travielkapelka · 10/09/2021 22:48

Some of these responses are quite unbelievable. This is a 16 year old who loves at home and is entirely supported by her parents. The parents who no doubt have bought her uniform, attended her parents evenings, supervised homework and chosen the school they feel best for her.

They still have parental responsibility for this child who is at school and who depends on her parents for everything. No doubt the child will also expect a parental contribution if she goes to university and will expect her parents to buy her the things she needs. Drop her off and pick her up,

Of course her parents need to know her GCSE results. How utterly ridiculous for anyone to be able to defend her refusing to share them.

And OP, you needed to be on the school weeks ago to get them, and not relying on hearsay about whether they may or may not give them to you without having that conversation. A quick phone call to the head of sixth form or failing that the head teacher would have nipped that in the bud quickly. They’d happily contact you for behaviour and other issues. There would be no reason not to discuss GCSE results with you.

Bertiebiscuit · 11/09/2021 00:34

How odd - why wouldn't she tell you? I'm completely blindsided by this - what an odd relationship you must have

tolerable · 11/09/2021 02:22

@Travielkapelka

Some of these responses are quite unbelievable. This is a 16 year old who loves at home and is entirely supported by her parents. The parents who no doubt have bought her uniform, attended her parents evenings, supervised homework and chosen the school they feel best for her.

They still have parental responsibility for this child who is at school and who depends on her parents for everything. No doubt the child will also expect a parental contribution if she goes to university and will expect her parents to buy her the things she needs. Drop her off and pick her up,

Of course her parents need to know her GCSE results. How utterly ridiculous for anyone to be able to defend her refusing to share them.

And OP, you needed to be on the school weeks ago to get them, and not relying on hearsay about whether they may or may not give them to you without having that conversation. A quick phone call to the head of sixth form or failing that the head teacher would have nipped that in the bud quickly. They’d happily contact you for behaviour and other issues. There would be no reason not to discuss GCSE results with you.

wow-of course-clearly isnt happening.rest of your judgement equates to "your"judgement based on very limited info.on ya go
Yorkshiretolondon · 11/09/2021 06:34

@NashvilleQueen

'Why do you need to know?'?!?!

Apart from being a parent of course. I'm sorry but there's a limit to being a cool parent and this really is over it.

She’s said she doesn’t ‘need’ to know but would like to and that’s normal. Parents aren’t meant to be cool for goodness sake. Op explain to your daughter how much you support/Ed her and would love to be able to celebrate her results
Backwaterjunction · 11/09/2021 06:58

This is strange behaviour, but it’s there life
When I passed mine in the 80s the local paper without anyone’s consent printed everyone’s results, pages of school and names, luckily mine results were very good, although I suspect people just looked for their own and a few friends.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/09/2021 09:35

Of course her parents need to know her GCSE results. How utterly ridiculous for anyone to be able to defend her refusing to share them.
But why? It isn't for support - she's got into a levels and won't know what support she needs until she starts studying.
Because they paid? So if her Mom buys her condoms because she's got a bf, does she have a right to know the details because she financially supported it?
What if her parents paid for her to have therapy? Should she disclose every personal detail because she's a child who is naturally financially dependent?

I get why it's odd, I get why op is upset. But this insistence that op MUST know, that op HAS to know and has a RIGHT to know is silly. What matters is why it's a secret and how her daughter feels about them, not the specific numbers.

BananaPB · 11/09/2021 09:46

You've had some crazy replies.
What if she'd needed help appealing but has now missed the deadline?
OP sounds like a perfectly reasonable sort. If her dd has to resit English or Maths then she could help by getting a tutor?
If the girl doesn't want to discuss her grades then why didn't she discuss it beforehand? OP seems like the type who'd be fine with "These are my grades and I don't want to discuss them in any more detail"

TheBraveLittleTailor · 11/09/2021 10:16

@SleepingStandingUp
I think there is a significant difference between say 8 or 9 top grades and 5 passes at the minimum grade. It’s useful to know how she has done in English, Maths and any foreign language. You say it’s more important to know why she won’t tell, but again that depends on how she has done. If she has got 9 A stars her anxiety may relate to the possibility of too much being expected of her on that basis. If she has not done well, that’s different.
Privacy is important, but I think not finding out could be seen as not caring.
I tend to think results should be available on written request to absolutely anyone.

JoborPlay · 11/09/2021 11:16

My mum was very "proud" and would have told anyone who would listen my results, so I chose not to tell her. She did ring the school though, who told her. I was furious and wrote a letter of complaint to them - I received an apology from the head who told me they'd never considered that I may have chosen not to tell them and they'd be more mindful in the future.

I did not tell my parents my a level results or my university results (or my master's). I don't like blowing my own trumpet and hate boastful parents even more.

GreyhoundG1rl · 11/09/2021 11:18

@JoborPlay

My mum was very "proud" and would have told anyone who would listen my results, so I chose not to tell her. She did ring the school though, who told her. I was furious and wrote a letter of complaint to them - I received an apology from the head who told me they'd never considered that I may have chosen not to tell them and they'd be more mindful in the future.

I did not tell my parents my a level results or my university results (or my master's). I don't like blowing my own trumpet and hate boastful parents even more.

Very strange dynamic in your family.
CheltenhamLady · 11/09/2021 11:26

@JoborPlay

My mum was very "proud" and would have told anyone who would listen my results, so I chose not to tell her. She did ring the school though, who told her. I was furious and wrote a letter of complaint to them - I received an apology from the head who told me they'd never considered that I may have chosen not to tell them and they'd be more mindful in the future.

I did not tell my parents my a level results or my university results (or my master's). I don't like blowing my own trumpet and hate boastful parents even more.

Given your comments, I have to say I find it odd that you didn't end this sentence simply with:

I did not tell my parents my a level results or my university results

but felt compelled to add:

(or my master's)

Smile Wink
Confused

GreyhoundG1rl · 11/09/2021 11:30

Don't like blowing my own trumpet, indeed!

TheBraveLittleTailor · 11/09/2021 11:46

The best catty response is: ‘Did your trumpeter die, dear?’

randomlyLostInWales · 11/09/2021 11:57

I did not tell my parents my a level results or my university results (or my master's). I don't like blowing my own trumpet and hate boastful parents even more.

Yet had to tell us about degree and masters Confused.

I think I felt indulgent and quitely pleased at clear pride and excitement of my parents for me- think DH felt same.

I found it sad later MIL especially often felt need to play down DH educational acheivements - he has PhD - as they live in a bit of a "crab bucket" area not so keen on education.

MIL also felt that way later about DGC - that she had to be careful who she mentioned them to and how much excitment and pride she was "allowed to feel" around certain people.

TatianaBis · 11/09/2021 12:02

The reaction here to degree & masters. They’re standard qualifications.

GreyhoundG1rl · 11/09/2021 12:04

@TatianaBis

The reaction here to degree & masters. They’re standard qualifications.
And as such don't need to be highlighted Grin