Dd won’t tell us her GCSE results- anyone else experienced this?

[TheCountessofFitzdotterel]

And if so how did you approach it?

All I know is that they were good enough for her to do the A Level subjects she wanted, which is nice.

Is it just us? Has this ever happened to anyone else?

I wish I'd had the gorm to not disclose, but I was always scared of my mum.

I got frog marched into hall told to open and then immediatley dragged away to phone DDad who promptly put his foot in it focusing on lowest C mark which I'd bought up from a F as not holding me back. Well meant but overbearing I was slightly scared of her.

I worked A-level results day and gave Mum permission to pick up and open for me - she then got herself in a state worried I'd be upset and she came and as prearranged found my during lunch break - I was fine with them they were enough to get to Univeristy on the course I wanted.

Younger sibling got a lift in with friend and then got pounched on for her GCSE results - I think older sibling has similar ish experince to me though may have be firmer going in themselves but they may have been glad of support as they didn't get what they needed so did need some help going forward.

I've never want to be quite so over bearing as my parents but I'd be very worried if our children hadn't wanted to tell me at all and I'd be worried they were upset about the results or about something else.

My son is the same. He is on the autism spectrum, so that might have something to do with it. We gave them life itself and they won’t even tell us their grades!

Interesting. My DD did the same & is very likely on the spectrum too. She pulled the plug on diagnosis just as we were getting somewhere, but our GP agrees & she scored high on the AQ10 test. She's definitely showing herself to be very rigid in stating her independence in general. She hit 18 & despite no issues with her social media etc, on her 18th birthday she suddenly blocked me on everything, but left our friends to follow 🥴

@NashvilleQueen

'Why do you need to know?'?!?!

Apart from being a parent of course. I'm sorry but there's a limit to being a cool parent and this really is over it.

This, in spades.

Sounds like you did the right thing though, OP.

I would have complete sympathy with a child whose parents post all over social media. I have seen exact grammar school rankings posted (x position out of 1000, whatever; full rounds of exam marks etc etc.) Information that is bluntly not the parent's to share. I'm going to trust you when you say you wouldn't do any of this but I wouldn't be surprised if this becomes more and more common, in the current environment. And I would hope the child would tell the school why, if the parent insisted.

How strange.

Has she told you why this is a secret? Does anyone know?

You're doing the right thing to involve school. She may want to keep her results secret but you're not obliged to join her in this 'game'. Discuss it openly with school.

@BalloonSlayer

If she starts to fail her course in 6th form, you will be contacted to let you know, what's more, you will be expected to have an influence on her, ie expected to sort it.

So the school really don't think it's none of your business when it suits them.

Also this.

I wish there had been a certain degree of privacy for exam results back in 1982. My non-resident parent rang my school and got my results before I did, and rang to say well done, and I had no idea what he was talking about as our results were delivered by post - they didn't do the in-school collection back then. Whether back then it was just done to give results to anyone who called over the phone, or it was because he was a headmaster at a large local school in the next main town, I don't know, but it certainly pissed me off.

And then I was away on holiday in 1984 when my A level results came out, so I rang my resident parent to ask her to open the envelope addressed to me, as we had agreed. I discovered she hadn't bothered to wait for me to ring and had already opened it, and was perfectly smug about having told other family members already, before I knew. I was equally pissed off about that too.

So frankly, I'm a bit torn on this one, although I probably would be annoyed, as a parent, having supported a child through their school years, not to be enlightened by the child him/herself, given I've not already been an interfering old goat.

DD’s head of year actually emailed both DD and me her GCSE results as the statement of results was needed for college and needed to be printed out. She did get sent them first though. She had a boy in her class who deleted the parents email though and hasn’t told his parents any of his grades to this day. I’m not sure whether they’ve asked or not?! Maybe as a parent just say to your DD you would be proud of her no matter what the outcome and she can share the results with you without any judgement. As long as she got the required grades to progress to A-level it doesn’t really matter in the scheme of things.

I would contact the school and ask for a copy of her grades. When she is an adult she can keep all results to herself if that is her wish, but until then she's still your child and her education is your business.

I have 2 children, I'm a qualified youth worker and qualified in child care. Let me guarantee you something if you snoop to get the information she has decided not to share then she will not trust you with information when she is older. I have seen such scenarios play out with families and it is awful and destructive. Respect her decision please.

@Vixyboo

I have 2 children, I'm a qualified youth worker and qualified in child care. Let me guarantee you something if you snoop to get the information she has decided not to share then she will not trust you with information when she is older. I have seen such scenarios play out with families and it is awful and destructive. Respect her decision please.

If you read my posts on the thread you will see that I have said I don’t snoop.

That is weird. Bet all her friends know so why not you?

@NashvilleQueen

'Why do you need to know?'?!?!

Apart from being a parent of course. I'm sorry but there's a limit to being a cool parent and this really is over it.

Are you for real 🌍

Meh kids.

Good luck.

I’m in genuine shock. Your child wants to keep private the details of an achievement which they clearly feel is personal.
You acknowledge you don’t need to know, she has gotten onto A-Levels but that you just want to and feel it is normal.
Your approach rather than supporting your child in their autonomy, respecting their privacy and showing them you trust them, is to refuse to accept their wishes and demand to know from the school quoting legislature??
You’ve certainly chosen the nuclear option for something that will have absolutely no benefit other than satisfying curiosity and may well severely damage your relationship with your child who will enter adulthood believing you are controlling (I understand that may not be where your actions are coming from but I suspect that will be how it’s perceived!)

She'll eventually have to write them on job application forms etc. She may be resitting maths or English which she would need for Uni but not for A-levels. You'll also find out when the certificates arrive...

It's a little odd she doesn't want to share them with you.

Maybe they view the ‘encouragement’ as pressuring them….and are scared to disappoint you, if you are the type that expects excellent results and brags about it to everyone

It’s all a bit beyond me, but my parents were very much of the “people tell you what they want you to know, we know our place, I’m sure we’ll be the last to know” school of thought, but to this day I have massive difficulty telling them anything they don’t expect.
Not that that helps really, but there’s no one right answer.

@SW1amp

Do you not still have school reports and parents evenings for your 16 year olds?

How are they any more of a breach of privacy than sharing their exam results..?

That's what I was thinking. My youngest is in Yr 13 & we are still going to have a Zoom parents' evening. I think it's really beyond the pale to be sooo 'cool' as parents that you don't expect to know what grades your own children got! I wouldn't share them with anybody else without my kids' permission, though. I thank God that I'm not a cool parent, and I'm pretty sure that my two sons are glad I'm not, too.

I did this for my daughter, only it was £50 for an A, £25 for a B, £10 for a C and after that, she had to pay me!!

@Sittingonabench

I’m in genuine shock. Your child wants to keep private the details of an achievement which they clearly feel is personal. You acknowledge you don’t need to know, she has gotten onto A-Levels but that you just want to and feel it is normal. Your approach rather than supporting your child in their autonomy, respecting their privacy and showing them you trust them, is to refuse to accept their wishes and demand to know from the school quoting legislature?? You’ve certainly chosen the nuclear option for something that will have absolutely no benefit other than satisfying curiosity and may well severely damage your relationship with your child who will enter adulthood believing you are controlling (I understand that may not be where your actions are coming from but I suspect that will be how it’s perceived!)

God, this post... Genuine shock, eh?

They can be insufferable little shits can't they? God love em. If she got results she needed I guess thats the main thing, I'd be tempted to give her a taste of her own medicine and keep her in the dark about other family stuff too, you can't have a 16yo running the show.

I would be concerned about what other stuff shes keeping from you though, does she confide in you about other parts of her life?

Our local newspaper used to print all the local schools results, each child was listed with all their results, good or bad.

Just ask the school for the transcript

Good point TheweeDonkey. Ive my 18 year old granddaughter living with me, I love her being here but she lies about everything and I at the end of my tether. When I ask her to stop, she says ‘well I changed my mind, as an adult Nan, I can do that’!