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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My teen has spent 20 minutes pointing out all my faults.😣

134 replies

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 27/07/2021 21:44

But I’m not allowed to reciprocate as that’s ‘mean’

Who ever thought that miming to music on my headphones was a failing? 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
RogueMnerHidesUnderABigHat · 27/07/2021 22:34

I love this thread.

Flowers to parents of teens

OxanaVorontsova · 27/07/2021 22:35

As the mother of twin teenage girls I highly recommend this book

ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 27/07/2021 22:43

Sometimes mine used to push boundaries with stuff like that, I think it's sort of a security thing- testing you still love them. And their hormones screaming at them to move away and start a family.

There is a fine line between genuine disrespect and taking out their own struggles on you. Mine would pick fights and then get very tearful, which I never punished as it was a symptom of struggling with her mental health. But times she was rude and entitled I did punish.

Keep an eye out for it, as often they can't confront whatever they're struggling with and all the negative emotions spill out onto you, who they know they can trust and will still love them even after they've melted down. Had I read the warning signs, I would have been able to get her help with her MH sooner rather than assuming she was a tantrumming little madam who made my life hell for no reason.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 27/07/2021 22:48

Ah fuck it.
Put your best hat on and go for a walk down the high street. Greet anyone she knows by name, loudly.

pumpkinpie01 · 27/07/2021 22:51

Mine are older now , but I remember when my son was 14 and he was being so rude in the car I pulled over calmly and told him to get out , we were 3 miles from home so he had a nice long walk and time to reflect 😀

LolaLuna · 27/07/2021 22:53

Well, this can only happen if you allow it. I don't encourage rudeness in my teens and swiftly stamp on it when it occurs

ivykaty44 · 27/07/2021 22:55

Ask her to pop them all down on paper for you

Then add them to file 13

QueenAstrid · 27/07/2021 22:59

@pumpkinpie01

Mine are older now , but I remember when my son was 14 and he was being so rude in the car I pulled over calmly and told him to get out , we were 3 miles from home so he had a nice long walk and time to reflect 😀
This is brilliant

My DD sometimes sends me texts detailing where I’m failing in life. I resist the urge to reply with a ‘fuck off’ and I quietly screenshot them and file them away in a folder on my phone for her wedding day.

adeleh · 27/07/2021 23:12

If it makes you feel better, OP, I breathe too loudly too. I drink my coffee loudly, am simple and have difficulty following basic instructions. Also I eat crisps too loudly.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/07/2021 23:13

My DD sometimes sends me texts detailing where I’m failing in life. I resist the urge to reply with a ‘fuck off’

God, does she?! What age is she? What kind of things?

I'd be on the 'fuck off' side of things myself or words to that effect. I think texting is worse than saying it as there's no excuse of an immediate row.

Maybe you mean she does so in a jokey way? Which is different

EarringsandLipstick · 27/07/2021 23:16

@adeleh

If it makes you feel better, OP, I breathe too loudly too. I drink my coffee loudly, am simple and have difficulty following basic instructions. Also I eat crisps too loudly.
Do you not go apeshit when you are told you are 'simple'? That's horrible.

(And to reiterate my 3 DC are far, far from perfect, only one is a teen but all can be rude, I do address it, each & every time & hope it will be sufficient. So I'm no paragon or model mum, I promise).

adeleh · 27/07/2021 23:17

It makes me laugh. To be fair it’s a bit of a piss-take from when they were younger and my mother took them aside to tell them that sadly their mother was a plain old simpleton. They thought that was hilarious.

QueenAstrid · 27/07/2021 23:20

So for example she’ll get told off for something and storm off to her room. Then my phone will inevitably beep and it will be a message saying that I’m mean, and I have no sense of humour, or I’m a crap mum because I clearly prefer her brother. That kind of thing. I won’t respond to her texts any more if we are in the same house

EarringsandLipstick · 27/07/2021 23:23

@adeleh

It makes me laugh. To be fair it’s a bit of a piss-take from when they were younger and my mother took them aside to tell them that sadly their mother was a plain old simpleton. They thought that was hilarious.
Fair enough! 😀 your DM's comment seems ... unkind ... tho maybe part of the same pisstake! Once everyone is happy. ☺️

Off-topic but this has reminded me of a friend's parents, when I was a teenager. They would eff & blind at each other. I'm Irish, and this was great old JB Keane (if anyone knows the playwright) style cursing & roaring. The dad died earlier than he should have. I was amazed by the mum, who was & remains, devoted to him, and was, still is, years later, in bits. They really loved each other, but because they were so different to my own parents I didn't see it & thought they were dysfunctional. Which they probably were, but also very much in love!

Just meaning I know all sorts of different family dynamics exist.

PaddleBlue · 27/07/2021 23:24

I would start talking about safe sex, condoms and STIs in detail. That should get her to shut up / jump out of the car Grin

PerciphonePuma · 27/07/2021 23:26

My child is nowhere near teens yet so forgive my possible naïvety here.
Did you not explain to her that the world doesn't work like that? That she can't go round pointing out people's failings/faults? Did you not point out that if she criticises someone then she needs to be prepared to accept criticism herself? I know it may go in one ear and out the other, but surely if they're not told this, then they have no idea that that behaviour is unacceptable?

Substantial research (conducted over the past 20 years) has suggested that narcissists (at least, most of them) have become this way, due to never having been told when they're in the wrong as a child. Nothing but constant praise and zero punishment of any kind whatsoever. Leading to the inability to process the possibility that they could be at fault, during adulthood.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/07/2021 23:27

@QueenAstrid

So for example she’ll get told off for something and storm off to her room. Then my phone will inevitably beep and it will be a message saying that I’m mean, and I have no sense of humour, or I’m a crap mum because I clearly prefer her brother. That kind of thing. I won’t respond to her texts any more if we are in the same house
Ah yes! I get it. That seems like a sensible approach alright.

While my DD rarely rants & raves or says anything directly mean, she can be very cutting & do a fine line in staring past me as I try to talk. She 💯 knows that it drives me insane but also that it's hurtful.

I find that hard - that she knows to hurt me. I point it out, we discuss it, and she will acknowledge it. There's something about her disdain in those moments that I really hate.

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/07/2021 23:38

I would start talking about safe sex, condoms and STIs in detail. That should get her to shut up / jump out of the car

LOL me too!

MrsPsmalls · 27/07/2021 23:41

Yup mine called me a cunt in the car once. Told him if he was going to speak like that to me he could get out. He got out. Twelve years old. I drove round the block thinking I would get him in a few mins when he had calmed down. Nope. He went missing for a day and a half. Leapt on the first bus he saw going god knows where. Spent all his money on McDs. Slept rough and was found by my Dad the next evening just wandering about, as the whole family, in fact anyone we knew even slightly, plus the police were driving around the town looking for him. Just saying for the benefit of those who say kick them out of the car. I certainly never did it again!

EarringsandLipstick · 28/07/2021 00:09

God MrsP that's very far from normal though, and really nothing to do with you kicking him out of the car.

Hope things improved since.

Rno3gfr · 28/07/2021 00:16

If she spent 20 minutes insulting me then the sketchbook would be going out of the window

Futureself · 28/07/2021 00:19

Only 20 minutes? Are you bragging or complaining Grin. Hate teenagers. Vile creatures.

frazzledasarock · 28/07/2021 00:22

My teen doesn’t speak to me like that. She’d be waiting a very long time for any favours, pocket money, lifts, presents, anything bar the very basics if she ever spoke to me like that.

Why’s it acceptable for your child to be rude and nasty to you?

My DC and I have a close relationship they’re actually quite pleasant young women I enjoy their company (generally).

swimlyn · 28/07/2021 00:29

This used to be on my fridge door.

My teen has spent 20 minutes pointing out all my faults.😣
adeleh · 28/07/2021 00:36

Earrings - my mother did say, and often mean, unkind things. But my boys are the sweetest people and would never deliberately hurt me. I had a lifetime of being hurt by my Mum, though, and plain old simpleton was nothing compared to some of her observations . . .
But the couple you describe sound lovely!