Ds 14 and porn

[Pinklemonade16]

So basically picked up sons phone today to google something as mine had died.....long story short seen he had been on porn hub and I was mortified 😂 yes I know he’s a teenager and it’s perfectly normal behavior I just can’t get around the fact my baby is definitely not a baby. How the hell do people manage this teenage thing. I’m so not ready for him to be grown. Anyway bit of a pointless post but yeah

I don't even like the thought of porn but some of the replies OP has had are nasty.
He's 14, he'll be curious.
I'm sure you husbands, partners have all watched porn and you're lying if you say they haven't.

@Dizzy1234

My DSS looks at porn and has been since he was about 13, that's the first time I caught him. In my lounge with an erection, I nearly died of embarrassment 🙄 Spoke to oh but he refused to put parental control on his phone as he didn't want to upset DSS, Disney dad at his finest. He's still watching it and I worry how that will affect his "grown up" relationships, I think it gives the wrong impression of what a mutual loving relationship should be, will he expect future partners to perform like a porn star? If I had any control I would put a block on his phone, he's 17 now so probably too late. At 14 and him being your son I would put parental control on his phone

Yes it will certainly skew any expectations he has. Sex will be entirely different to porn. Not to mention- what sort of porn he's watching?! Rape and BDSM is sooo common he will probably have stumbled across it.

TALK TO YOUR SONS ABOUT PORN. Warn them and educate them.

I personally don't think you should be lynched by all these prudes the way I see it is he's watching it not actually taking part in it I would just sit him down and explain the dangers of some of it and explain consent and everything else and how porn is acting don't let these prudes put you down everyone deals with it differently I'm sure he's mature enough to understand the conversation you have with him, good luck x

“ScissorsBike

Oh God, you shouldn't have asked on Mumsnet! Of couse it's normal!”

Please would you expand on what you mean by ‘it’ is normal here?

Does ‘it’ mean being curious about sex and looking up any source he can find? Masturbation?

Or

The specific porn to be found on line now?

There is a difference between OP’s DC being normal, and what he actually finds - and the effects of what he finds - being ‘normal’ in the sense of being harmless and to be expected.

Firstly you need to educate yourself as to what porn is nowadays. Take a look at the fractured society between girls and boys at schools and how porn, smart phones etc has fuelled the toxic sexual culture that is hurting boys and girls, and their relationships between each other.

It is not good enough to hope your child will get through it ok, working out how to be a good human all by themselves.

IMO you need to have full honest discussions about sex, consent, relationships and porn addiction.

My DSS was caught with some porn that if he practised in real life would have been illegal (and I’m not just talking about age of consent). He was only 14. He had also been sending pictures of himself to others. Ok no girls were involved (let us not forget not all boys and girls are heterosexual) but he was completely being taken advantage of. My DH was forced to take his head out of the sand and parent him because his “oh we all watched it when we were young,” bullshit showed him how out of time he was.

In the end DSS’s parents got their act together and sorted it out. No phones in his room at night etc. Limits on what to look at etc.

Our youngest are going to have to sit through some very choice selection of videos to educate them on the dangers of porn, sexting, relationships etc before they even get hold of a smartphone. I have to be confident they understand the risks and understand boundaries. They have to appreciate if I catch wind of them bullying, or coercing others to do sexually inappropriate things for an under 16 they will be handed a non-smartphone.

I might be the world’s worst mother but it will be banned in my home. I do know they may see it elsewhere and that’s fine. But I will not casually accept my son or daughters watching extreme pornography in my home when there are other children in the house.

If they think I am too strict they can go chat to their big brother about it and blame him for the way we’ve become.

Of course their going to say no they don’t watch it to their parents, it’s the most embarrassing thing for them at a young age.
I know some actually won’t but if you believe if they haven’t once looked at it your lying to yourself.
You all need to wake up.

I think when there are men’s movements worried about the impact of porn, it’s time to sit up and throw up your kool aid

I know damn well that all kids will look. I found an image on my sons phone when he was about 12. I'm no prude at all but I did explain to my son how porn isn't normal. Its a very unhealthy version of sex. I'm sure he was delighted by this toe curling conversation I certainly didn't 😂 at the issue.
He's a bit older now and I'm sure him and his mates have a fine old gander but it certainly wasn't happening at 12, 13, 14 on a phone I fucking pay for.

@Northernsoullover

I know damn well that all kids will look. I found an image on my sons phone when he was about 12. I'm no prude at all but I did explain to my son how porn isn't normal. Its a very unhealthy version of sex. I'm sure he was delighted by this toe curling conversation I certainly didn't 😂 at the issue. He's a bit older now and I'm sure him and his mates have a fine old gander but it certainly wasn't happening at 12, 13, 14 on a phone I fucking pay for.

100% but there’s some people who so adamant it’s just not realistic. Have the convo, put restrictions on and that’s it.

My friends son when 11 did a search on ‘naked ladies’. I don’t think any parental controls will stop that. It’s normal at that age as it is curiosity. But they need to understand that porn is linked to drugs, trafficking, consent, violence etc etc.

Today MasterCard has implemented new T&c for the use of its card and porn. However most sites are free.

Ignore the Mumsnet nuttiness about porn I can assure you at 14 even 20 years ago most boys had seen porn on the internet on a regular basis. It is a shock but just the way things are and to be honest part of growing up.

I watch porn. I'm no prude. But what I could access as a teenager bears no resemblance to what they can access online now. Hardcore porn is freely available.

Do you really want your children exposed to stuff as they are developing their sexuality that they will potentially then need to become aroused for the foreseeable future or would you prefer for them to be able to explore their sexuality more organically? I've seen the damage it's done to an acquaintance of mine who became porn addicted and the psychological impact has been huge - horrendous guilt and shame from watching very degrading material. Boys and men are being damaged by this, not just girls and women.

@Hamsterarse
Thank you for the links

It's probably worth discussing. I'm skeptical about the idea that boys can't tell the difference between reality and porn but it definitely creates a bit of a shift. I've found stuff that I like from porn that I probably wouldn't even have considered beforehand. All completely benign, but I can see how that might be an issue with more "extreme" stuff (you have the whole chicken and egg situation though).

Kids will always be ahead of parental controls. Porn is a mainstay of the internet. Twitter is full of porn, Tumblr is full of porn, there's plenty of user-uploaded content that is pretty close to porn on TikTok.

When I was younger and my mother out parental controls on our PC, I used a keylogger to get her login details to reset it at will. I had that password from the age of about 10 until I moved out and she never suspected a thing.

There is a drama series on Sky called Euphoria which is worth a glance for people who don't think this impacts teen culture. You see how porn has impacted the way in which teens interact with one another. It's not all about porn of course, there are other things impacting the sexual relationships they are having e.g. free access to birth control, but porn is most certainly causing big shifts in how they have sex, and not in a good way.

I found it incredibly depressing.

@hamstersarse

There is a drama series on Sky called Euphoria which is worth a glance for people who don't think this impacts teen culture. You see how porn has impacted the way in which teens interact with one another. It's not all about porn of course, there are other things impacting the sexual relationships they are having e.g. free access to birth control, but porn is most certainly causing big shifts in how they have sex, and not in a good way.

I found it incredibly depressing.

It's just a more modern, American Skins. That aired around the time I was in 6th form and depicted kids around the same age shagging and doing drugs, like Euphoria. It didn't resemble my life or the lives of anyone I knew. It was an unrealistic adolescent fantasy, like Euphoria.

@ploopypleepy

Course it's normal, for this generation anyway, what do you think horny young lads are going to be looking at when they have access to every single thing in the internet. This happened recently with my DP and his 14yo son, he just explained that what he sees on porn sites is nothing close to real life and when he does become sexually actively not to expect it to be the same.

This, completely! Also agree with pp that posting anything about porn is a mistake here, too many women in denial.

Talk to him about how it's not always realistic, expectations of sex and how porn can be degrading to women but isn't representative of real relationships.

Then ignore it because he's normal.

I'm 25 and I watched porn online at his age. Did it give me some funny ideas about sex? Absolutely and I'm still not sure I'm quite right about it. Porn doesn't teach people to be generous, considerate and thoughtful lovers.

Porn doesn't teach people to be generous, considerate and thoughtful lovers.

Porn teaches people to have self-satisfying hedonistic sex.

Which is fine for some. Mostly though, people run out of steam with this approach and end up just chasing the more. There is a distinction to be made between hedonism and human connection. One leads to issues, one to fulfilment. An occasional look at porn might be fine, the problem is it is geared up to tap into every primal instinct, fire up reward mechanisms and leave the user wanting more and more.

I was 14 ten years ago, when the internet wasn’t half as normal as it is today. Every 14 year old boy watched porn then, I imagine they definitely all do now.
It definitely isn’t ideal, but he’s just a normal teenage lad unfortunately. Ignore the hysteria, OP.

We found it on my stepsons phone after looking on it as we found his behaviour strange he was only 10 he had been watching all sorts.
After us telling his Mum and her telling the school as he was apparently having 'help' anyway for his emotional well-being, my DH had a talk with the pastoral care and she told my DH it was normal
She really brushed it off.
The child is a bit older now and the stuff he comes out with is gross.
It messes kids up.

“Fairynick
It definitely isn’t ideal, but he’s just a normal teenage lad unfortunately. Ignore the hysteria, OP.”

Where’s the hysteria? Just warning to the OP to talk to her son. He is normal. Porn of the kind being put out there shouldn’t be internalised as normal sex.

It's probably worth discussing. I'm skeptical about the idea that boys can't tell the difference between reality and porn but it definitely creates a bit of a shift.
It is because of porn that girls and women are being expected to be hair free, enjoy anal sex, choking and strangulation.

Have the convo, put restrictions on and that’s it.
It really is not that simple.
One conversation is insufficient. 11-year-olds need different conversations from 15-year-olds.
And restrictions are not very effective at all. They are so easy to bypass and they don't do a very good job of filtering out porn.

Very difficult to put parental controls on You Tube. But take a look at the content!!!!