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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds 14 and porn

148 replies

Pinklemonade16 · 14/04/2021 20:17

So basically picked up sons phone today to google something as mine had died.....long story short seen he had been on porn hub and I was mortified 😂 yes I know he’s a teenager and it’s perfectly normal behavior I just can’t get around the fact my baby is definitely not a baby. How the hell do people manage this teenage thing. I’m so not ready for him to be grown. Anyway bit of a pointless post but yeah

OP posts:
Feelinghothothottoday · 14/04/2021 21:27

All teenage boys with mobile phones have looked at porn. Either via their own phones or with a mate. Those posters saying it’s disgusting etc I agree but it’s what teenage boys do in 2021. All you can do is talk to him about porn. The telegraph had a good article earlier This week about porn and sex. Keep talking to him. It is a huge issue and became so with mobile phones. People are nieve if they think their teenage boys have not seen pint.

peak2021 · 14/04/2021 21:28

Normal to look at it but that does not make it right. Exploited women, creating expectations that lead to young women doing things that they really do not want to do but feel pressurised to accept.

You need to have conversations with him and get access restricted. You are right to be upset.

Womenschampion · 14/04/2021 21:29

I’d imagine he was able to access it via his own data allowance. Lots of parents dont realise parental controls can be overridden on phones and some just put them on the wifi not realising that in 1 click they can swap to mobile data.

Thisgirlcando · 14/04/2021 21:31

MN is the only place where people seem so judgmental of porn. Of course he needs to know it’s not realistic etc but there’s nothing wrong with being curious. Making kids think sex is wrong and something to be ashamed of is part of the reason that abuse is hidden by them, they are ashamed to speak up.

Everyone I know looked at porn when we were younger. Ive spoke about it with different groups of friends as adults and there was only one that said she hasn’t looked at it, the others still openly do!

Feelinghothothottoday · 14/04/2021 21:33

@Womenschampion

I’d imagine he was able to access it via his own data allowance. Lots of parents dont realise parental controls can be overridden on phones and some just put them on the wifi not realising that in 1 click they can swap to mobile data.
Exactly. They use their own data. Or they look at their mates phones. It will never stop until the big internet companies have to control it and you have to pay to access porn hub etc. All we can do as parents is speak to our kids constantly about it and write to our MPs about internet controls.
IdblowJonSnow · 14/04/2021 21:36

I don't think you should allow him to keep watching it now that you know.
Have a conversation about what it means for women/the industry in general and consent.
It's not exactly a realistic representation of an ordinary sex life - and that is a problem.

IdblowJonSnow · 14/04/2021 21:37

Nobody is suggesting that his curiosity is abnormal or that he should be ashamed. Hmm

PinkCookie11 · 14/04/2021 21:41

@IdblowJonSnow

Nobody is suggesting that his curiosity is abnormal or that he should be ashamed. Hmm
Because it’s not abnormal? If anything it’s very normal for teenagers to be curious and look it up? Ashamed?? Are you being serious? He hasn’t committed a crime
Harpydragon · 14/04/2021 21:42

probably not a popular view but we put qustodio on to any electronic device that my son uses. It means that we can make his googling age appropriate and it alerts us if he looks for anything inappropriate. We can then have discussions around whatever that might be.

We also have the discussion around porn, sex etc. I'm not foolish, I realised that ds has probably seen porn on his friends devices, but we've done what we can to protect him at home, in an age appropriate way whilst making sure he knows what real life is like.

hamstersarse · 14/04/2021 21:43

I have a 16 and nearly 19 year old. We have talked about porn for many years. I tried not to lecture and we did talk about how it might harm their own relationships, capacity to perform....things that impact them rather than how it impacts others as empathy isn't always great in teenage years

By some miracle it has worked. Neither of them watch porn at all. My eldest's friends at Uni (1st Year) literally don't believe him that he doesn't watch it - girls included. My youngest is concerned that 3 of his friends have become addicted to porn in lockdown.

I know this is true before anyone says I am being naive. I am a very liberal person, I am not strict at all, we talk about everything, and I trust what they say. I trust that they are genuine, but there was no way I wasn't going to try and stop them falling into a porn trap. It is just not in their best interest. Find out about sex through actual real relationships. Porn is designed only to fire up the neurons and exploit our natural inclinations and nothing good comes of it. It is highly addictive, wasting hours and hours of time, and not something I wasn't prepared to talk with them seriously about so they could truly decide for themselves.

Each to their own I guess though.

InsideNumberNine · 14/04/2021 21:43

Those saying kids are curious and not to make a big deal of it, when was the last time you looked at a site like Pornhub?

I used to use it. My tastes are pretty tame but over the past ten years there has been a real shift in the portrayal of sex and how women are viewed. A lot of it looks visibly painful for the woman involved. I'm not sure we should be turning a blind eye to this.

Tiggerishdish · 14/04/2021 21:44

@hamstersarse

I have a 16 and nearly 19 year old. We have talked about porn for many years. I tried not to lecture and we did talk about how it might harm their own relationships, capacity to perform....things that impact them rather than how it impacts others as empathy isn't always great in teenage years

By some miracle it has worked. Neither of them watch porn at all. My eldest's friends at Uni (1st Year) literally don't believe him that he doesn't watch it - girls included. My youngest is concerned that 3 of his friends have become addicted to porn in lockdown.

I know this is true before anyone says I am being naive. I am a very liberal person, I am not strict at all, we talk about everything, and I trust what they say. I trust that they are genuine, but there was no way I wasn't going to try and stop them falling into a porn trap. It is just not in their best interest. Find out about sex through actual real relationships. Porn is designed only to fire up the neurons and exploit our natural inclinations and nothing good comes of it. It is highly addictive, wasting hours and hours of time, and not something I wasn't prepared to talk with them seriously about so they could truly decide for themselves.

Each to their own I guess though.

Very sensible advice. We should all do this for girls and boys
InsideNumberNine · 14/04/2021 21:47

Not only that, access to porn when we were younger was VHS, DVD or a few smutty magazines under your Dads bed. This is all access, all the time, in your hand, wherever you are.

Dddccc · 14/04/2021 21:52

Yes it is normal for a teenage boy to look at porn but ppl don't discuss it

ScrollingLeaves · 14/04/2021 21:53

Make sure he hadn’t seen anything that has upset him or made him feel confused.

That most porn does not show affection, tenderness, love and respect which are the things that actually make for a relationship where sex is potentially wonderful.

Make sure he knows he has no right to rape, think ‘no’ is part of a game, choke, spit, expect anal sex, pee;

That most people do not look like those shown.

That porn can be addictive. Make him unable to have unsatisfying relationships with real partner.

That it is intended to hook him in and manipulate him into not being able to turn away. That it can rob him of his autonomy.

KoshkaKills · 14/04/2021 21:57

'no’ is part of a game, choke, spit only if pre-agreed etc. These are he sorts of things I would ask for from a guy.

KoshkaKills · 14/04/2021 21:58

He should know the things he sees are role played and not just spur of the moment sort of stuff you'd so with a random girl.

thefirstmrsrochester · 14/04/2021 22:00

Most teenage boys have a look at porn and other than the thrill of having done it once or twice take no further interest in it.

ScrollingLeaves · 14/04/2021 22:00

@hamstersarse

What you wrote is so good. It would be a help to know in more detail about how you talked about it so that your DCs understood.
You sound like wonderful parents. Your DCs must trust you a lot.

How old were they when you first started talking to them about it?

mamal29 · 14/04/2021 22:05

@Northernsoullover

I'd hit the roof. Its not normal. It really isn't. People like you and your ha ha accepting attitude make it normal. Do better.
Omg. Calm down. It's perfectly normal, it just used to be magazines.

Op, you just need to explain to your son it's not real life. Stay away from the weird stuff etc.

Lalanbaba · 14/04/2021 22:05

Wow. Some of the comments are impressive.
Have a talk with him about porn being fiction not a representation of real sex with a partner. Teach him about privacy.
If he wants to watch porn, he will find it.

rjacksmiss · 14/04/2021 22:05

I found my son had Googled "nice boobs" and "little mix boobs"

😂

Hopefully he's not on the hardcore yet. Eek.

rjacksmiss · 14/04/2021 22:06

When I was young, the boys used to find porn mags in the hedges.

Crabbypaddy · 14/04/2021 22:06

Oh my. Where did you go wrong op, sounds like you’ve raised a full scale psychopath being curious about porn. Tsk tsk Grin

Crabbypaddy · 14/04/2021 22:08

P.s all these mums saying their kids don’t/have never watched porn, of course they would say they don’t to their parents haha

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