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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Struggling to be mum of a teen

112 replies

redblonde · 24/02/2021 14:57

This is really just a rant and a bit of a cry for help! I'm really struggling being a parent to a teen. I have a 14 year old DD, and while she is having some difficulties at the moment she isn't terrible (she's mostly doing her school work etc) . But I miss the "old her" so much. I was sorting out photos today and seeing her smiling happy face in these photos, some only about a year ago, and comparing it to the sneering, the monosyllabic answers, moving away from hugs, not wanting to do anything with us that we have now, it honestly makes me cry.

I know people say they do come back, but that old her is gone forever isn't it? I know this is all about me adapting to her impending adulthood, I always knew I'd find it hard, but I didn't realise it would be this hard.

Any advice or kind words much appreciated!

OP posts:
Ziga · 24/02/2021 14:59

Just wanted to say this is so normal, I was the exact same with mine. Honestly they do come back. Of course it’s not exactly the same but they need you in new ways when they get older!

MyGoMargot · 24/02/2021 15:00

She’ll be back, don’t worry!

Felic23 · 24/02/2021 16:02

I feel the same, it's so hard to get used to the change in them. It's a good thing apparently, it's what they need to do to progress to next stage of development.

SS67 · 24/02/2021 16:57

I feel your pain, I'm going through the same with my 15yr DD, even though I have a 19yr DD. It just seems so much harder with my youngest cos she was my baby I suppose? Sometimes I can't bare to look at the F/book memories that pop up on my phone cos it hurts to see how much they've both changed and how close they once were. Not anymore, hate the sight of each other! It's probably lockdown not helping. Still, I'm hopeful for their 20's!

BunnyRuddington · 24/02/2021 17:33

Exactly the same here with my DD. You have my sympathy OP Thanks

stilllovingmysleep · 24/02/2021 19:28

It's terribly painful. Honestly, early adolescence is one of the hardest transitions in human life, for parents and young people. Yes they mature later and do relax and improve. Please hang in there, they need you need you need you!
They might not want to show it though and that's perfectly normal. In fact it would be worrying if they were all about mum and dad at this point. This rejection is a step they have to take.

It's terribly painful, I repeat... I feel for you. It's a mourning process in fact and will pass.
Think of your relationship in the future, the one you'll develop with them.
Think of how important parents are to us adults.

Hugs!

BackforGood · 24/02/2021 19:32

No, it's not gone for ever.

They go through a stage of struggling with hormones, and struggling with the "betweenness" of being a carefree, happy child and an min-adult who is expected to take a bit more responsibility for themselves.

They all come out the other side though.
Pick your battles, and remember it isn't personal.
Flowers

Sexnotgender · 24/02/2021 19:37

So much sympathy Flowers

Mines 17 and a pain in the ass. I do see flashes of the old her though.

thelightishere · 24/02/2021 20:26

Is she your only @redblonde ? I'm mum to a 2.5 year old (will be only) and absolutely dreading this stage. Drinking in all the affection now as I know time will pass so fast.

Hugs to you and I remember being AWFUL to my mum at 13/14. We are very close now Smile

Original poster
redblonde · 24/02/2021 20:59

Yes, our only - get all the hugs you can thelightishere for the next 10 years or so because they are few and far between after that!

OP posts:
thelightishere · 24/02/2021 21:22

I certainly will! I hope it passes quickly and you get your baby girl back ASAP Thanks

floraflo · 02/03/2021 11:04

Sorry for the late reply to this op. I just came on to the teens forum to get some advice on moody teens but I could have written your post. My DD is 13 and unbelievably moody, i feel like we're all walking on egg shells around her. Old photos of her just a couple of years ago looking happy and smiling pop up on my phone every couple of days and it breaks my heart too. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Original poster
redblonde · 02/03/2021 12:21

Sounds like we are all struggling, which does make it easier - knowing its not just me being a bit pathetic!

OP posts:
MondeoFan · 02/03/2021 12:24

I'm in the same boat. Mine is 15.
One word answers, very moody, hardly comes out of her room, rude to her Sister, doesn't lift a finger around the house, gives me her washing when I've already finished all the washing.
She self harms too.
On a positivé note she is eating all of the dinners I've been making. Around a year ago she was saying "I don't like jacket potato, I don't want roast dinner, I don't like cottage pie" until I said I can't keep making all seperate dinners for everyone. She listened and eats everything now if she's hungry.

theliverpoolone · 11/03/2021 22:52

I'm in exactly the same boat, with a 13 yr old dd. Have just posted on a similar thread. I miss my smiley girl who wanted me to play with her all the time. I would love us to go away in the summer but I can't imagine us spending any time together where she isn't moody and monosyllabic, with me treading on eggshells. She also has some anxiety-related MH issues and I so wish she could return to a time when she didn't.

Just like you, OP, I look at old photos and cry sometimes, for how much I miss that little girl Sad

Nannyamc · 11/03/2021 23:09

Mine from 13 to 21 were assholes
After 21 marginally better
30s with children dotes.
Hang on in there

Original poster
redblonde · 12/03/2021 06:55

There was a brief sighting of “the old her” earlier this week - I had been ill and she was being v kind and then she was feeling ill in the night and wanted me in with her cuddling her. Back to having arguments about bed time now but there was a brief moment!

Stick with it everyone - I don’t have high hopes for Mother’s Day!

OP posts:
thelightishere · 12/03/2021 10:37

Ah that's lovely to hear she's still there underneath all the teenage angst SmileSmile hope she surprises you on MD Thanks

Original poster
redblonde · 14/03/2021 16:47

Hugs to everyone who is struggling as parent to a teen. I did get flowers chocs and a card with a lovely message in it but she was pretty much frog marched to the supermarket by her dad!

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 14/03/2021 16:51

Oh my god this thread makes me cry 😓😓😓

KristaK · 15/03/2021 12:54

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at authors request

fuschia2000 · 15/03/2021 14:54

Sending love your way, and to us all ❤adjusting is so hard , I yearn for the old days ❤

RhubarbTea · 15/03/2021 23:15

This thread has just made me cry as well, Mine is an only and I'm a single parent, he's not 13 til summer and already being like this. I didn't get anything for MD although he did do jobs around the house I asked him to do on the day without moaning.
I miss my cuddly, happy enthusiastic little boy. I feel like I am mourning. Sad I recall a Woman's Hour prog about this on R4 where mum's talked about how hard this stage is. Wish I could find it.
Solidarity to everyone else. Flowers

Turth · 16/03/2021 13:00

I could have written most of these posts. Said to Dh last night that I want to skip this bit of parenting! BUT I would rather a healthy, rude, hormonal, grumpy, selfish teen than one who wasn’t managing to break away from her parents or who was facing an eating disorder as I was at their age. We can do this everyone! One day at a time...

Weets · 16/03/2021 21:19

I’ve got a teenage daughter, 14 who seems to be struggling with life at the moment. I’ve lost the old her. Keeps herself in her room, only coming out to eat, shower and school. Hates school and is not overly keen at going out for fresh air or the basic shopping outing for food. I’m at my wits end and not sure which way to turn next. Have confronted her I maybe talking to a counsellor but the brick wall went up and I was shut down very quick with an answer.