Struggling to be mum of a teen

[redblonde]

This is really just a rant and a bit of a cry for help! I'm really struggling being a parent to a teen. I have a 14 year old DD, and while she is having some difficulties at the moment she isn't terrible (she's mostly doing her school work etc) . But I miss the "old her" so much. I was sorting out photos today and seeing her smiling happy face in these photos, some only about a year ago, and comparing it to the sneering, the monosyllabic answers, moving away from hugs, not wanting to do anything with us that we have now, it honestly makes me cry.

I know people say they do come back, but that old her is gone forever isn't it? I know this is all about me adapting to her impending adulthood, I always knew I'd find it hard, but I didn't realise it would be this hard.

Any advice or kind words much appreciated!

@MadKittenWoman

Our only DS was horrendous in his teenage years: told me to fuck off, that I was a fucking bitch, etc. Grew out of it about 17/18; now he's 21 he's absolutely lovely and we get on better than we ever did. It really will pass!

This gives me hope *@MadKittenWoman* What did you do about the swearing and name calling at the time?

I just kept telling him it was unacceptable. Sanctions like trying to take their phones away or threatening to cut off the wifi just made him madder. I would just withdraw from him, and eventually he would come and apologise. I also told him that no matter how horrible he was to me, I would still love him. I remember him once pacing up and down when he was about 13, saying he felt bad and he didn’t know why. Maybe try to think of them as the unreasonable toddlers that they used to be? Be firm, ignore or distract. Just try to keep going as little drama as possible, pick your battles and let the small things go. If they mess up, it’s they who have to deal with it. DS took a GCSE a year early and didn’t really do that much revision because he was G&T and spent too much time gaming and on social media. He got a good grade, but it wasn’t the one he should have got and that affected him. As the saying goes, ‘Don’t complain about the grades you didn’t get with the work you didn’t do.’ He has worked hard ever since. He is still gaming and on social media, but it is also part of his degree, so not wasted! You can do this!

I feel like I'm on fucking eggshells all the time.

My teen uses me like a verbal punch bag and points out all my (alleged misdemeanours) then asks for a hug a few minutes later.

My teen uses me like a verbal punch bag and points out all my (alleged misdemeanours) then asks for a hug a few minutes later.

Me too! I can't keep up with the mood changes. And although you try not to take it personally, it's been hard during lockdown. I need a break from it.

On rational days I can see that I'm his safety, that he has so much going on internally that he has to bottle up but he can release some of it with me, much like when he used to come home from school exhausted from having to be 'good' all dal and completely melt down. It doesn't stop it hurting though :(

I suspect mine might be having Girl Trouble, despite strenuous denial - he cleaned his teeth twice before school this morning, which is utterly unprecedented!

I’m struggling with my 16yr old daughter. Her Dad & I are divorced and we live with my new partner (2 years). My problem is, whatever rules I put in place that she doesn’t agree with she just ignores them. I tell her she has to be in at 10pm bearing in mind all she’s doing is walking around the streets with her friends, apparently this is too early, it probably is I’m not sure, which is one of the reasons for my rant! Her room is an absolute mess ie dirty washing mixed up with clean clothes, empty sweet packets etc etc. I struggle on a daily basis with an debilitating illness which she totally dismisses as I don’t look ill, I tell her that her job is to keep her room tidy including her washing since finding sanitary towels still stuck to pants, to help with washing or drying pots on a night, we have no room for a dishwasher since moving house (moved house so she could be near her friends) which she is appalled at, but constantly have to remind her to do this as she thinks it’s not her job, she only does chores without being asked when she wants something. Her Dad has a drink problem but seems to manage it now he hasn’t got any responsibilities ie everyday family life!
I’m loosing control as she plays me and her dad, if she’s not happy with something she will tell her dad a twisted version to make me look like I’m neglecting her. If I refuse to buy her something she’ll ask her dad who overrules me and buys it, his obsessive behaviour means he buys her stuff she doesn’t even need. She doesn’t go without, on the day I bought her prom dress we also had an old caravan delivered that we are doing up to put in the garden for her and her friends. On this same day she told her dad she doesn’t get enough pocket money so I received an abusive text telling me that he’s taking some of the maintenance off me and giving it to her. I’m sorry if I’ve gone on a bit but I hope you get the gist, I’m grateful for any advice.
Thanks

My 16 year old d's is an only child and I am a single parent with NO family support not even alive let alone nearby. D's dad's family 100 miles away in London but after 18 months no visits owing to lockdown d's will go for a week end July. D's has called me names and sworn quite regularly and although I do not condone this he would either go on and on for ten minutes or worse still throw an object across the room. He has really gone disrespectful at times since the pandemic.

He isn't always like this but definitely an ongoing feature. I think things can only improve now socialising and e.g. Army cadets are opening up ag ain.

That sounds like a very difficult dynamic for you to handle, especially with a debilitating illness JLTJ22. No advice except to say I recognise the "playing one parent off against another" scenario (almost impossible to conquer if your ex isn't on board) , the ingratitude, the messy room and the lack of help with chores. Although she appears to ignore you, you are providing her with huge stability by setting boundaries and she actually needs those to rebel against. I tell mine "it's because we love you that you have a 10pm curfew. If we didn't care, you could come home any time you like". She still rebels against it but I hope the message seeps in somewhere.

Manzanilla55 that sounds very hard as a single parent too. Lockdown has exacerbated a lot of "normal" adolescent frustrations and behaviours and we who love them the most come in for the most flack.

@Manzanilla55 - my DS went back to Air Cadets last week and has been a different boy when he's come home every time so far. It does him so much good. I hope your DS can get back soon. It sounds very isolating for you. We don't have family support locally either but I do at least have DH here.

Thank you wet nose.
Spider light ds returned to army cadets only 2 weeks ago. To be honest ds has outgrown school so just needs to get through this week then the one after halfterm. Then home for 3 months! Gym army cadets a week away at ds family and friends should help the boredom. Worse if no siblings lockdowns I imagine.

Thanks for your wise words Wetnose, after a quite weekend I've had a think and I need to put consequences into place, my brain doesn't work like it use to. I'm not as quick to react to this behaviour as I would of done, by the time I've come up with something my DD thinks I've forgotten.