Struggling to be mum of a teen

[redblonde]

This is really just a rant and a bit of a cry for help! I'm really struggling being a parent to a teen. I have a 14 year old DD, and while she is having some difficulties at the moment she isn't terrible (she's mostly doing her school work etc) . But I miss the "old her" so much. I was sorting out photos today and seeing her smiling happy face in these photos, some only about a year ago, and comparing it to the sneering, the monosyllabic answers, moving away from hugs, not wanting to do anything with us that we have now, it honestly makes me cry.

I know people say they do come back, but that old her is gone forever isn't it? I know this is all about me adapting to her impending adulthood, I always knew I'd find it hard, but I didn't realise it would be this hard.

Any advice or kind words much appreciated!

Same feelings here. 15 year old dd is breaking away and it's hard. I'd do anything for more time with her as a happy young child. However, time marches on and the teens are a period when I think you can either make or break your relationship. I have a dd in her mid 20's and I did a lot wrong and learned a lot. Luckily we have a really good relationship now.

It's difficult but essential to disengage from the 'mummy' that you were, that was the centre of your dds world, and to become a supportive but laid back 'mum' that your dd is happy to come to with problems or worries in the safe knowledge you won't kick off and make it worse for her.

I have found my dd to be more open and affectionate since I stepped back and stopped 'mothering' her so much. I treat her like another adult in the house now. I only really 'mother' if there are school issues or safety worries. She has no screen time limits anymore and she actually uses it less without me breathing down her neck about it. She sets her own bedtime and has learned that getting up at 6am to spend an hour doing hair and make up means she needs to go to sleep at a decent time. I didn't tell her this, she worked it out for herself. She learns from making mistakes.

She has an allowance to buy all her own clothes, toiletries etc. I tell her what I'm cooking each evening for dh and I and ask if she wants the same, if not she cooks for herself. I still do her washing for now but she's learned that I won't ever pick up clothes from the floor.

I get on with my work, home jobs and hobbies and keep as busy as possible. I think her seeing me as a busy fulfilled person, rather than a bereft abandoned mother really helps our relationship.

When the happy photos of her as a younger child pop up on Facebook I sometimes WhatsApp them to her. I usually get an 'awww' or a loveheart emoji in reply. It's the only reminiscing I instigate. I think going on about how cute they were as young children can be quite painful for a teen who is wanting to shed that image. When they get older they love the stories of how they used to hang on to your leg in the school playground or not let you go to the loo alone, but the teen years are when you keep that stuff firmly to yourself.

And yes they do 'come back'. My elder dd came to stay for a while during lockdown and it was lovely. We baked and painted together. I don't think we had done that since she was about 12.

Oh gosh I was so glad I looked on here. Makes me feel like we are not alone. We are having exactly the same with our DD nearly 14. DS 12 and not much better. They literally hide in their rooms and behave like Kevin and Perry. I didn't get anything on Mother's Day, not even a card. I cooked a nice roast whilst they sat in their rooms and DH watched the tv. I cried. I did let DH know how upset I was. Surely he should make sure they know it's not ok to completely forget your mum. Mine were such gorgeous little kids and we used to camp, surf, bike and have so many hobbies together. They were both amazing little surfers and now they just can't be arsed or the wetsuits aren't cool enough so they won't do it. I am absolutely gutted and wasn't at all prepared for this.

@rainydogday

Oh gosh I was so glad I looked on here. Makes me feel like we are not alone. We are having exactly the same with our DD nearly 14. DS 12 and not much better. They literally hide in their rooms and behave like Kevin and Perry. I didn't get anything on Mother's Day, not even a card. I cooked a nice roast whilst they sat in their rooms and DH watched the tv. I cried. I did let DH know how upset I was. Surely he should make sure they know it's not ok to completely forget your mum. Mine were such gorgeous little kids and we used to camp, surf, bike and have so many hobbies together. They were both amazing little surfers and now they just can't be arsed or the wetsuits aren't cool enough so they won't do it. I am absolutely gutted and wasn't at all prepared for this.

I'm really sorry about Mother's day. That's totally rotten of them all . What did dh about it when you told him? Genuinely forgetting is pretty difficult when there's advertising everywhere! I'd be inclined to buy a nice treat for myself and have a mental block when it comes to Father's day.

Next Mother's Day plan something nice for yourself and stuff them!

Yes to all of this. Both of mine hit it at 12.5. One is through it 3 years later, the other is awful. It's such a shock to the system after the funny, cuddly years.

@Wearywithteens

The trouble is by holding on to the ‘good old days’ and not recognising the new and beautiful butterfly forming in that ugly, difficult and aggressive chrysalis, you risk alienating them. Who wants to be around an emotionally needy parent that infantilises them?

Embrace the new challenge with the same attention you did when they were tantrummy toddlers, you attended to their every whim and need when they were 2. They were difficult, unreasonable and truculent then but you loved them. Don’t give up now.

This is so true and something I keep telling myself. Whilst also hoping that they will remember some manners and not turn into awful (arseholes) when they grow up

Struggling with my daughter of 13! She is simply vile to me almost all of the time. I can not say anything to her without her spitting a response back at me. She continues to be all smiles and pally pally with Daddy. It just breaks my heart. I am crying myself to sleep at 1.30am as I miss the old her so much, we were close up until 6 months ago. Any advice would be much appreciated. Feeling desperate. X

I'm sorry, @Mamma47 - it's really tough, isn't it? There is some good advice upthread and I personally think a basic standard of politeness is reasonable to expect from your young person, even if they aren't cuddling and cooing over you. I do pull my son up if he sneers at me or talks to me rudely. That's not okay - although as others have said you also need to pick your battles a little bit so you don't alienate them further.
The dark hours of the night are when parenting worries really crowd into your mind... I hope you got some sleep, and are feeling brighter about things today. Ultimately your relationship with your daughter will last a long time so hopefully this time will just be a small blip in the grand scheme of things

Mumma47

I've had those horrible middle of the night moments too. It does pass. It's like a grief in a way - I'm not in any way comparing teens detaching to actual loss, but it can feel like you've lost the child they were and it takes time to process those new feelings and come to terms with them.

It helps to understand that our teens aren't that happy either. They are having big confusing feelings and take those out on those who are closest (you). Peer pressure is hard. School is hard.

I would advise to pick your battles. A lot of ignoring or 'That's lovely dear' to nasty comments can make you feel like you've got some control. Try not to take it too personally. I agree with pp that outright rudeness needs to be pulled up, however in the heat of the moment it can escalate the situation. Talk to her when she's calmed down.

Try and plan something for you and her to do together when restrictions ease. Mine is receptive to a shopping trip and lunch.

For you - find things to do that you love to make the most of having to be less hands on with your dc. Long baths, reading, netflix box sets, nights out with your dh when they're allowed again.

I’m glad I’m not the only one struggling. Break my neck every day for my 12 and 14 year old girls and they are absolutely vile to me at mo. Need some help with whether I should take their phones off them at night as they go on them if I don’t but shout abs scream at me when I put parent app on. I want to give them freedom but they also need boundaries for their own well-being

PurpleOctober - we take her phone at bedtime on a school night. It makes her a bit grumpy most days and she certainly never reminds us if we forget but I know it helps her sleep better.

Good luck

Thank you!

How old is your daughter?

@PurpleOctober76

How old is your daughter?

She is 14. We've been taking it away at bedtime for a while now, prob since she was about 12 and go scared when someone sent round a stupid scary Whatsapp!

What bed time do you have for her?

And me. Mines 14.

I think lockdown has made it worse. Normally you’d be maybe going to town with them or to a cafe, but not even having these little trips has really emphasised it..

She always used to say ‘wavu’ and send it from school at dinner time. I realised she hadn’t said it for ages and went through my texts. Last time was in September. When l asked her l got ‘I’m not a child anymore’😭

Miss the fun, and the smiles and the cuddles (especially the cuddles) it’s changed so fast l haven’t caught up. My phone brings up pictures everyday of various years.

2014 she was still so little. 7 years gone in a flash.

@PurpleOctober76

What bed time do you have for her?

This has changed massively over the last year! It started at 9.30 about a year ago, then we agreed to make it 10pm on a school night, and whenever she wants Fri and Sat nights. Now it is (in theory) 10.20 on a school night but in practice it tends to be 10.30 ish.

Thank you for starting this thread redblonde and thanks to the other posters also sharing their experiences.

I've always had a rule of no phones, electronics or TV at bedtime. There's a lot of scientific studies to support that this. It is a balance in allowing freedom, self control and also putting in acceptable measures too. It's difficult too as when I call time on their devices at night or mealtimes for example as they complain bitterly, leading to arguments.

If it's any consolation, my eldest DD actually asked me to take away all her electronics during her A level exam time.

I think one of the problems is that mine seem to do all their school work on electronics abs use that as an excuse . I don't think they should be doing it all like this .

It does get better. Trust me, but it is so tough, I hated it. I have a theory that they test you so its easier to break the apron strings when its time for them to move on. I found the Teenagers topic invaluable with DS its so helpful to find solidarity and to know you're not alone, and you're not alone and you're not a failure. The way I see it your child wouldn't act that way if they didn't feel secure in your love.

Bare in mind this year has been devestating for young people so that will add an extra layer onto an already trying time for them.

All you can do is love them and try to be as consistent as possible and they will come back to you

Thank you for your support 💕

I can relate OP. My DS is now 19 and should be 'coming back' by now but he's a right little sh*t (I know that Covid has made things worse for him). I also mourn the cute, engaging, loving child that he was. That person has gone forever. I can only hope that the adult he becomes is someone that I want to spend time with (though I have doubts at the moment) :(.

Can I join? Not for the first time DD1 (13) has driven me to tears over nothing. She's rude, nasty, bullies her little sister, throws things and destroys other peoples things. I can't take it any more. I just think the next few years are going to be horrendous and I don't think I can cope with it.

Can I join in too? My DD is 13 and in the last 18 months has changed from a loving if spirited girl into a hate filled monster. If I say no to anything (for example letting her make slime in the kitchen while I'm cooking dinner) she tells me I'm the reason she is self harming and planning to kill herself. She has threatened suicide several times and got such a big reaction (emergency doctor appointment, trip to CAMHS etc) that she has now clearly found the right button to press - how am I supposed to know what's a genuine cry for help and what's emotional blackmail of the highest order??