Struggling to be mum of a teen

[redblonde]

This is really just a rant and a bit of a cry for help! I'm really struggling being a parent to a teen. I have a 14 year old DD, and while she is having some difficulties at the moment she isn't terrible (she's mostly doing her school work etc) . But I miss the "old her" so much. I was sorting out photos today and seeing her smiling happy face in these photos, some only about a year ago, and comparing it to the sneering, the monosyllabic answers, moving away from hugs, not wanting to do anything with us that we have now, it honestly makes me cry.

I know people say they do come back, but that old her is gone forever isn't it? I know this is all about me adapting to her impending adulthood, I always knew I'd find it hard, but I didn't realise it would be this hard.

Any advice or kind words much appreciated!

Snap, Christmasmum.

Can anyone recommend some books, other than Untangled?

I snapped this morning after an evening and morning of battles, and let her know just how unhappy she was making me. I expect that's a big no-no, and I do regret it (also I suspect I've just given her another lever to push) but with crushing other worries at the moment I am at the end of my tether.

I know its better to be measured, and calm, and impregnable. I just don't know how to be.

I too have a 13 year old DD who recently told her counsellor she had attempted suicide. She has been in her room since lockdown started really. If I go in and ask if she's ok I get one word monosyllabic responses and told to stop asking. If I leave her alone I get told I don't care. She is having counselling which she says is helping. I don't see evidence of it if it is. Had a better day with her today until about 8pm when she announced she thinks she has borderline personality disorder Having taken an online quiz to prove it. I said I wasn't sure she had given that the symptoms described could apply to almost anyone, but if she wanted to ask the GP we would. She went absolutely nuts.
Her dad and I are divorced. I had a DP but we split up last year because she was just so vile to him for no apparent reason. I fear she will do this with anyone I'm involved with and I feel so so alone with it.

I also have a 15 year old DD-she is generally pretty easy going but occasionally has a strop apropo of nothing at all. Today was one such day and I genuinely feel like I can't cope with it-both of them at it at the same time is just too much.

@RhubarbTea I am in the same position, single parent with one teenage ds, mine is 15 and this year post lockdown he has started going out every day with friends and having less and less interest in time with me. I feel I'm walking a tightrope between loving and being so pleased with his developing independence, which was the aim of all the parenting so far, wasn't it, and on the other side the pain and heartache of losing all that closeness and fun we used to have, and the loneliness being on my own now (his Dad died when he was a baby), and how hard it is to negotiate these years without the back-up of a partner.

I could have written this myself. Saw some smiley holiday photos earlier from a few years back and was in tears as i miss my kids being like that, now as teens it feels they dont want anything to do with us parents and are miserable and grumpy. My dd wont even come out of her room and getting any time with either is difficult, feel so down x

Can i join please? I am struggling so badly with just-turned-14 DS. Every morning and every bedtime is a battle and it's ten times worse now that he has to be up an hour earlier to get to school. We had a stupid row this morning because he was trying to go to school still wearing the same socks he'd had on since yesterday morning, having gone to the trouble of separating, scrunching up and throwing his clean ones onto the bedroom floor to make it look as if they were his dirty ones. He just gives zero fucks for his personal hygiene, won't put on deodorant, wash his face or brush his hair unless I stand over him, and just wants to be on his blooming computer all the time. He's always been a bit of a difficult, headstrong character, tbh, but there was always a sweet little boy under the surface and it feels as if he's gone :(

I'm another one that needs to join please! Oh the photos and F memories.... ☹️☹️☹️ I thought I was the only one! It truly is like grieving, and I know they hate me being needy, but sometimes just can't help it! DD2 used to super charge me with hugs when DD1 was grumpy, conspiratorially. Now she's 13.5 and practically air hugs me when I ask for a hug. Backing off and leaving them alone definitely helps though.

I think I could cope if it was just me and my teen but she is ruining her brothers life by being moody all the time. She doesn’t want to take part in any family activities so either I leave her alone at home or she comes along dripping with sarcasm and grumps. I know it will be ok in about 7 years but I don’t think i can last that long and it is really having an impact on my mental health.

Me too! Eldest DD was quite difficult when she was younger but is actually not too bad as far as teenagers go. Whereas her younger sister, the sweetest, kindest child ever is an absolute ratbag - she’s filthy, her room is a cess pit, tells lies, picks fights with DP and so on - my heart sinks when I remember how lovely she was 😒

I'm glad I found this thread. I'm going to try backing off and not take the snipiness personally.

When do they start to come back?

@AndWhatNext

I'm glad I found this thread. I'm going to try backing off and not take the snipiness personally.

When do they start to come back?

When they develop a more stable sense of self and their bloody hormones calm down - DD19 is now mostly lovely but was absolutely HORRENDOUS 13-16, DS23 is now sweet and charming and has been through a lot and was at his worst aged 15-19 and DD14 is in the bloody midst of it. I am a single parent who feels that I am only just beginning to emerge out of a warzone - all my kids were fantastic littlies but have been complete arseholes as teens but ... they do come through :)) xxxx

I have hit a wall this morning. I am so tired and I feel so ill and he's so fucking vile to me - I just feel like I cannot do this any more :( I feel like all the nice bits of being a mum are behind me now and it's just years of this shit and then he'll be gone.

Oh dear, sorry to hear this. I would stop trying to fight the battles. Let him go to school with yesterday's socks on. It's not going to kill him, and at some point in the future someone will tell him he stinks. He'll take it better from anyone but his mother! I know we're always told to pick our battles but I do think there is a time to abandon some battles altogether for the sake of maintaining a relationship. My DD is currently keeping the most ridiculous sleep schedule but as she makes it I to school, I have given up fighting the fact that she tends to nap between 4 and 6 every day. Obviously some battles we still need to win, but let him win the ones that really won't make a difference in 2 years time. Good luck and sending support from afar.

OK.
I have 3 teens aged 18, 16 and 13.
It is bloody hard being a parent of teens, but all of this crying over the baby they were is too much.

And I believe it feeds into the grumpy person they are now.

Stop looking at the holiday snaps of smiling 9-year-olds. They are not 9. Look at who they are now and embrace it.
Embrace the change and help them - compliment them on their new teen choices (hair, make-up, clothes) even if you hate them. Let them know that the evolving new person they are is just as great as the smiley kid that they were.

Learn to talk to them differently, more as a peer, listen to their opinion and engage with it.
Don't stop parenting, in fact parent harder, and insist on things like eating dinner together, helping with chores etc, but be open to renegotiate things that matter to them, and deliberately work towards independence.

Above all, they need your love now more than ever. They hear things 100x more negatively than you intended it, so be massively proactive about saying good things to them.
As they leave for school every single morning I say - Have a good day, I love you. Sometimes the door is then slammed in my face. That is fine. They still heard me.

Let the grumpiness slide over you, don't engage.
Enjoy them. Teens are great, bloody hard work, and at times a thankless task, but they are great.

ds is now 18, he is off to uni in Sept and I am so proud of the thoughtful kind lovely man he has become. I had absolutely no assurance of that when her was 12, 13, 14, 15, 16....

sorry, that was long.

personal hygiene and smelly socks?

Well, be blunt - your feet smell ds, I am sure your friends and teachers don't want to be around your smelly feet, but that is your choice. Then walk away. If he goes into school with smelly feet, that is his choice.

Once they get interested in girlfriends/boyfriends they will step up the hygiene. All 3 of mine went through a poor hygiene phase, dd2 is still in it.

I'm 27 now. I was a difficult teenager, I can now see how much it would have hurt my mum at the time. I have a good job, mortgage, steady relationship now - I've well and truly 'flown the nest' BUT I need my mum more than ever. We are close again and I'm so grateful for her. It's ok to feel how you do, but you will struggle through like all the other impossible phases and you'll come through the other side.

It's easy to reflect with rose tinted glasses but your relationship has survived countless transitions previously and this will be no different.

@steppemum

OK. I have 3 teens aged 18, 16 and 13. It is bloody hard being a parent of teens, but all of this crying over the baby they were is too much.

And I believe it feeds into the grumpy person they are now.

Stop looking at the holiday snaps of smiling 9-year-olds. They are not 9. Look at who they are now and embrace it.
Embrace the change and help them - compliment them on their new teen choices (hair, make-up, clothes) even if you hate them. Let them know that the evolving new person they are is just as great as the smiley kid that they were.

Learn to talk to them differently, more as a peer, listen to their opinion and engage with it.
Don't stop parenting, in fact parent harder, and insist on things like eating dinner together, helping with chores etc, but be open to renegotiate things that matter to them, and deliberately work towards independence.

Above all, they need your love now more than ever. They hear things 100x more negatively than you intended it, so be massively proactive about saying good things to them.
As they leave for school every single morning I say - Have a good day, I love you. Sometimes the door is then slammed in my face. That is fine. They still heard me.

Let the grumpiness slide over you, don't engage.
Enjoy them. Teens are great, bloody hard work, and at times a thankless task, but they are great.

ds is now 18, he is off to uni in Sept and I am so proud of the thoughtful kind lovely man he has become. I had absolutely no assurance of that when her was 12, 13, 14, 15, 16....

Excellent post @steppemum I agree with every word.

Great thread. I have 3 teen dds - 19, 18 and 14. Oldest was a dream teen, she didn’t really change at all. Middle one had a hard time around 13-15 but she was more tearful than unpleasant. But boy are we now paying for our previous easy ride with dd3! Rude, self entitled, grumpy, constant swearing, doesn’t get on with dh. Add her autism into the mix and it’s not a happy household at the moment.

I do try to take that sort of approach, @steppemum, I really do. But some things I can't let slide - he's had years of constant mid-grade bullying from one particularly nasty piece of work and his cronies, and no way am I giving them ammunition by letting him be the smelly one. I try to be flexible with most things and he has never once gone to school without me hugging him and telling him I love him, even if we've had the worst morning imaginable, but for me, basic hygeine is non-negotiable. I will try to be more sanguine about the rest of it though!

@theworldsbiggestcrocodile sorry you are going through this, I have been there. Going to PM you

There are some advantages to teens. It's not as 24/7 as it is with younger ones. You can go out and leave them, take them for a coffee without them kicking off

@nevertrustaherdofcows - I have a 16 yr old DD who has been more than a teensy bit ‘challenging’ since she became a teenager. I love a good self-help book so have bought quite a few over the years!

Untangled is good, as is Get out of My Life.....
Recently I have bought How to Talk so Teen Will Listen ....... which has some very good advice, and my latest addition is Parenting a Teen Girl by Lucie Hemmen which looks great so I should really get started!

I think the best advice has been to validate her feelings, so she feels heard and understood. Then step back and let her figure things out for herself. This is something I’ve struggled with as I was trying to ‘fix’ things for her and tying myself in knots in the process. And don’t take things too personally. We are our teens ‘safe space’ so are going to be in the firing line. Good luck 🍀

Lagneyandcasey I like your advice.
This is pretty much my approach too! 😁
It's a tricky time for parents and teens. An adjustment has to be made on both sides. Parents have to tread the line between stepping back and keeping their kids safe and the kids are growing up. I think you do have to check your nostalgia at the door and love where they're at.

Jumping on board with DD2 (14) in the midst of it all and then we also have a toxic friendship situation which is making her even more miserable and grumpy. I feel like everything is even more intense and dramatic with DD2s friends group than it was with DD1. The tiniest little thing blows up into the most awful arguments, they seem to thrive on the drama but I fear for DDs mental health as its stresses me out just listening to them. I am unsure if this is due to the last year with stop start school and lockdown or just personalities or both. The only thing keeping me sane is that I've been through it with DD1 who is now 18 and mostly lovely to be around.

My DD 13 is the exact same. On the one hand I don’t want to be critical but on the other hand I can’t really let her away with being so endlessly rude, particularly to her little sister. It’s a fine line

@Mamma47

Struggling with my daughter of 13! She is simply vile to me almost all of the time. I can not say anything to her without her spitting a response back at me. She continues to be all smiles and pally pally with Daddy. It just breaks my heart. I am crying myself to sleep at 1.30am as I miss the old her so much, we were close up until 6 months ago. Any advice would be much appreciated. Feeling desperate. X

*@Mamma47* we have similar here with my 14 year old dd except the other way round. She’s fairly reasonable with me and still wants cuddles and affection but she’s downright horrible to dh and it’s getting him down. She’s ASD which doesn’t help. She finds dh ‘annoying’ but also thinks he doesn’t love/like her. He loves of of course but is so worn down by her contempt that she’s hard to like at times.

Take some comfort that your dd feels safe with you, she knows she act horribly and you will still love her. Try and ignore as much as you can but don’t tolerate rudeness if she wants lifts or other favours.

Thank you, it really does get you down. It's hard. X