Struggling to be mum of a teen

[redblonde]

This is really just a rant and a bit of a cry for help! I'm really struggling being a parent to a teen. I have a 14 year old DD, and while she is having some difficulties at the moment she isn't terrible (she's mostly doing her school work etc) . But I miss the "old her" so much. I was sorting out photos today and seeing her smiling happy face in these photos, some only about a year ago, and comparing it to the sneering, the monosyllabic answers, moving away from hugs, not wanting to do anything with us that we have now, it honestly makes me cry.

I know people say they do come back, but that old her is gone forever isn't it? I know this is all about me adapting to her impending adulthood, I always knew I'd find it hard, but I didn't realise it would be this hard.

Any advice or kind words much appreciated!

I'm feeling completely worn down by my (mid) teen dd. She really vents at me and likes to point out all of my parenting errors. I am not a bad parent (not perfect, I have made some real blunders but always apologised/admitted I am wrong). I had a traumatic childhood which I am about to enter therapy for and it is difficult to handle her reaction toward me whilst dealing with my past. The penny dropped the other evening...so this is unconditional love (for teen), I never had that and it was a bit of a revelation. But honestly, it does affect my mental health having to deal with all of her lows. I suspect she might have ADHD or something similar and will request an assessment very soon as she is happy to talk to someone about the anxiety she experiences.

By contrast I have younger dc who are loving...bring me little hand picked bunches of flowers/drawings with lovely messages and breakfast in bed because I wasn't feeling too well. Not even a birthday card from teen dd. It is so hard. I tell myself to stick with it...I take her out just me and her every now and again this helps. She is pretty off with one of her siblings too. It's difficult too because she is the guinea pig teen (first one) and also I didn't have a mother figure so I often feel out of my depth.

This morning she wanted a hug!

It's so reassuring in a way to read about everyone's struggles on this thread, although it's so hard for everybody.

The photos of the good times when DD was younger are not making me sad, they are actually keeping me sane atm! If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have any concrete evidence that my 17 year old actually smiled and was happy once, and that we actually had good times together.

Life with her has been pretty horrendous for the past three years and I'm at breaking point. She is lovely to her teachers and to her friends. But she can be absolutely vile to me at times; superior, sneering, calculating. She actually tried to dismiss me with a wave of her hand today. She had started to come out of it a year and a bit ago and then lockdown happened and she regressed. Every night I go to bed and toss and turn and wake up exhausted and full of dread about what hideous encounter and argument we are going to have today. I try and pick my battles and ignore but she actually seems to seek conflict out.

They hear things 100x more negatively than you intended it, so be massively proactive about saying good things to them.

This is such a big problem for us. I literally have lost the ability to communicate reasonably with my DD. If I say something as bland as "please pass the salt" she hears "My mother hates me and thinks I deserve a life of servitude". I have stopped asking her to do virtually anything now. The mildest enquiry about exam study results in a book being thrown on the floor and a shout of "leave me alone".

I'm trying not to give up altogether but it's so hard. I want to run away tbh.

DD likes to point out how rubbish my life is (I am a sahm with pre-schooler). She wants a high paying job to buy 'expensive things' doesn't want children (as she watches me and pities me). Basically, she criticizes me and my life choices. Snaps and uses bad language. Says she hates her life but then doesn't know why. My own mental health is rubbish and I'm currently awaiting a psychiatric appointment delayed by lockdown but it feels like dd makes it about 10 times. I get the feeling of wanting to run away from it all (I wouldn't but I do understand this).

Oh @Hortimulcher888 I really feel for you. Do you have a partner? How is she with him/her?

I would take a bit of comfort that she started to improve before lockdown and while not excusing her behaviour, it's important to remember that covid and lockdown has been very tough on this generation, harder than for us I think. Fingers crossed her behaviour will start to improve again.

What are her plans for next year? Does she want to go to uni?

@Hortimulcher888 I would also say try not to give up with speaking positively to her. I know how hard it is when they're horrible to you but she still needs to know she is loved unconditionally. Tell her you love her even if she rejects it. I read somewhere once that all the positive things you say to them are stored up in their brain and she will 'hear' them when she's ready.

No of course I wouldn't run away either. There are times when I desperately need to retreat for a bit, which has been very difficult under lockdown, but my dog is my friend and at least he is happy to see me in the mornings! I've got to keep plugging on in the hope that it will get better. I have read quite a few of the books mentioned below, and I am trying to be very aware of how I am around DD, so that I am calm when I talk to her, and I tend to try and avoid all conflict as much as possible. I am aware that me doing everything in terms of housework is not the best situation, she always had chores when she was younger, but honestly the conflict isn't worth it atm. It is very hard though being presented with a litany of your failings as a parent, and as a person, every few days, when you are the one washing their smalls and clearing up the trail of mess they leave behind!

Thank you bendmeoverbackwards yes I do try to tell her I love her in different ways. I always reply "well too bad because I love you lots" when she tells me she hates me and I am the worst woman in the world! Maybe I am not demonstrative enough though? I don't find it easy at the best of times if I'm honest although I'm 100 times more outwardly affectionate, and I hope, easier to talk to, than my parents were. I try and show her in different ways. I've set her up with a study snack box and put her favourite biscuits in it , or make her favourite cake, or buy her favourite (expensive) charcoal shampoo. She's grateful at the time but she can switch back in a second to being rude again.

And yes I understand that lockdown has been incredibly hard for her. Despite some heroic efforts from individual teachers, her school have not dealt with it well. I think she could be depressed because of it, and I set up sessions with an adolescent counsellor. She went three times and then refused to go again because the woman was apparently "hopeless " and "it didn't help in the slightest".

She is hoping to go to university yes and is trying for quite a difficult subject. Like many of her classmates she is finding study motivation difficult though. She's always liked exams and done really well up to now. But this year has been really hard.

She has a really good relationship with her father but he works long hours and doesn't see as much of her as I do. He is quite indulgent towards her, so he escapes the worst of the conflict and used to think I was exaggerating During lockdown though he has come in for much more fire himself and is now more understanding.

I feel guilty writing this down and realise that I am painting a really negative picture of her when she has many, many good points and of course I would happily jump in front of a bus for her any day of the week. She is very bright, very quick to understand complicated things, she is funny, determined, very good with animals, very energetic, she has a lot of really lovely friends. So I am hopeful for the future. Or rather, I was, until lockdown happened. Now I'm not so sure as she seems to have lost her way.

Daphne'smate05 I can definitely identify with a lot of what you are saying

Sending deep reserves of patience and strength to the op and to all the pps on this thread who are struggling

Btw, on a "lighter" note I have just discovered that there were no mugs in the kitchen cupboard and have bought 13 down from her room

Both my teens gaslight me horribly, I don’t know from one minute to the next what I am going to get, smiles or snarls.. I try not to let it affect me, but it does!

@steppemum

OK. I have 3 teens aged 18, 16 and 13. It is bloody hard being a parent of teens, but all of this crying over the baby they were is too much.

And I believe it feeds into the grumpy person they are now.

Stop looking at the holiday snaps of smiling 9-year-olds. They are not 9. Look at who they are now and embrace it.
Embrace the change and help them - compliment them on their new teen choices (hair, make-up, clothes) even if you hate them. Let them know that the evolving new person they are is just as great as the smiley kid that they were.

Learn to talk to them differently, more as a peer, listen to their opinion and engage with it.
Don't stop parenting, in fact parent harder, and insist on things like eating dinner together, helping with chores etc, but be open to renegotiate things that matter to them, and deliberately work towards independence.

Above all, they need your love now more than ever. They hear things 100x more negatively than you intended it, so be massively proactive about saying good things to them.
As they leave for school every single morning I say - Have a good day, I love you. Sometimes the door is then slammed in my face. That is fine. They still heard me.

Let the grumpiness slide over you, don't engage.
Enjoy them. Teens are great, bloody hard work, and at times a thankless task, but they are great.

ds is now 18, he is off to uni in Sept and I am so proud of the thoughtful kind lovely man he has become. I had absolutely no assurance of that when her was 12, 13, 14, 15, 16....

I agree. Love the person they become not who they were. People change all the time - my dh is not the same as the person I fell in love with 20 years ago but I think he gets better all the time. My teens are the same. Yes they are moody buggers but I try not to take it personally and much of the time we get on well. Dd was worst between 13 and 16 and is much better recently. Ds is only 14 so probably has the worst to come! I never tolerate then being rude to me though and luckily they don't dare shout at me as I come down on them like a ton of bricks if they are disrespectful as does DH. In general I think they are better than when they were young - less cuddly but far more funny and interesting!

Thank you for this thread. I've just ordered some books like those mentioned above. Dd14 is awful at the moment and is making my difficult relationship with abusive exH even more difficult. The psychologist assigned to us has said I'm not able to tune in to her emotions and has nothing helpful to offer. This thread has made me feel much less alone and like I am the problem.

Sometimes I think being a mum of a teen girl is just accepting you are a punch bag and trying to ensure they don’t grow up to be totally entitled divas !

This book looks quite good - I liked her columns in the Sunday TImes www.waterstones.com/book/whats-wrong-with-you/lorraine-candy/9780008407216

totally agree! Hard not wanting to spend time with your own child isn't it! I don't really want to be a constant source of irritation so I take myself off a lot but I miss her so much. I'm also having trouble controlling my own emotions and not show her that I'm feeling rejected cause thats not helping anything. I have the added stress of going through menopause and being married to an aspie. So glad I found this forum to know I'm not alone in these feelings!

Rachymum I think I have similar factors at play in our household too as well as the teenage bit. It is so difficult. I'm waiting for an assessment in relation to my own mental health...most likely happening in the next few weeks.

It's so hard to parent a teen, and issues with mental health can spiral pretty quickly, as I know to my cost. If you have a teen who is self-harming (or worse) please consider joining a private FB group called 'Parenting Mental Health' it is a never ending source of support and acceptance.

Went through (and still going through to some extent) this with my DS when he was about 13. We had a battle one morning about his school shirt- he had picked up one from his floor from the day before instead of going to get a clean ironed one from his wardrobe. He refused to change into a clean one and was adamant it didn’t matter and that nobody would notice or care.

When he got to school his teacher said “doesn’t your mum bother washing and ironing your clothes?” and started asking if everything was okay at home.

He was mortified that I was under attack because of his behaviour and it dawned on him that his actions/appearance send a message to everyone around him. Never had that issue again since! Sometimes you have to let other people comment- it seems to have a lot more impact.

@Blueberry40 I’m glad that worked on yours. Mine seem to take great delight in making me look bad to others to justify how much of a bad parent they think I am so would have thrived on getting a response like that.

Mine have bedtimes, they’re not allowed phones/consoles after bedtime, they’re expected to tidy/clean own room and to help tidy up after dinner (which we eat as a family with no phones). I don’t think those are excessive rules/expectations but they complain incessantly. We had talked about relaxing bedtimes at weekends but tbh they argue with each other constantly and snarl and are so condescending to us that they are pretty unpleasant company and I just want them safely upstairs away from each other and me for a bit 😳. I have explained to them that if they made an effort to argue less then rules could be relaxed but that just turns into a rant about how unfair we are. I’m so worn down by them.
(I also have a toddler and a 5 year old so both ends of the scale!)

Its so hard to navigate parenting teens. Its really lonely I think.

people asked about books

Get out of my life, but take me and Alex in to town first is a great read.

I just wanted to say, most of the stuff thrown at us is when they are struggling. Dd2 (13) has been foul for the last week, truly horrendous, I know it is because of an assessment she had on Wednesday. Yesterday she came shopping with me and we had fun, had a burger and she wrapped herself roudn me while waiting in line, (she was cold but still). Last night she curled up with us on the sofa, first time in weeks.
then at bedtime all hell broke loose because she has to hand her phone in.

dh and I do the grey rock thing when she does this. Gaslighting is a good word for it, she is like a broken record at how awful we are because she has to leave her phone downstairs. It is much easier I think as she is dc3, and we have learnt some things along the way. We just repeat the phrase- phone downstairs, that's the rule, and let all the aggro flow past.
Dh said once she had gone to bed, that the fact she is kicking against this so much tells him that she really needs that phone free time, and I agree.

ds is 18, and he really came back to us in the last year. He has several close friends who have difficult home lives, one was basically sofa surfing (during Covid) so as to not live at home as his relationship with parents had broken down so badly. It has made him realise that we are actually OK, and made him appreciate what we do for him.

and he now buys nice Mother's day stuff - I got an orchid and card this year!
3 years ago he had a card (courtesy of dh) and he wouldn't come downstairs and give it to me. Finally chucked it on the kitchen table at about midnight.

All those positive times you had when they were young feed in to their sense of self and their security, they know they are loved. In fact it is because they are loved that they feel able to strop at you, you are safe, they know how ever bad they are, you will not chuck them out.
But that doesn't mean you can't have house rules and consequences.

@steppemum I love your grey rock description, I try my best to do this too although sometimes it is difficult not to react. Also agree re phones at bedtime, always a source of conflict with DD2 who has been known to find an old iPhone and hide this in her room as a back up😳 Due to constant dramas and petty arguments with friends she really needs a break from this for her own mental health and her willingness and no she is absolutely not capable of self regulation yet. Some kids really need parents to step up on this.

@Branleuse It is lonely hence why coming on her and discussing our woes is so helpful
I went looking for advice last week and it really was so useful

Our only DS was horrendous in his teenage years: told me to fuck off, that I was a fucking bitch, etc. Grew out of it about 17/18; now he's 21 he's absolutely lovely and we get on better than we ever did. It really will pass!

I agree it's really lonely but thank you for the hope MadKittenWoman

Daphnesmate05 I too had a traumat childhood and teenage years. I am 50 soon and still estranged from my father, my mother is narcissistic and currently going through cancer. There are a lot of days when I struggle and find it hard to cope, I too take everything that comes out of DD mouth to heart, my greatest fear is that DD and I will have same relationship with me that I have with my parents. DH lets her behaviour wash over him, I take it to heart. Please DM me and we can support each other

Massive strop this morning, shouting, huffing, slamming doors and eventually flounced out to school with barely a grunted goodbye. My crime: his friend cycled past the house and I said 'I think that was C who just went past.' I feel like I'm on fucking eggshells all the time.