14 years old dd piling on weight

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

And l don’t know what to do.

She’s always loved her grub. As a child she was always hungry and asking for food. And I’d be really confused as she would have had a big meal then say she was hungry 15 minutes later.

I could control it to some extent when she was little. We’ve got 3 others who are older and aren’t like this.

At Christmas, DH and l chucked out all Christmas goodies day after Boxibg Day as she was just eating them non stop. But she just carried on and on. She has piled on about a stone and a half.

We don’t have crap in, but she just eats endless toast and cereal. We’ve now only got porridge. So she eats toast constantly. I’ve had to get rid of the peanut butter, but there’s still butter. We have to have some basic foods in the house like bread and cereal.

She eats a good breakfast, lunch and tea. Plenty of protein. But this isn’t really the issue, it’s the non stop eating between meals. Is it possible to be this hungry? She’ll eat fruit too, but it’s just non stop.

She refuses point blank to do any exercise. I’ve offered to do couch to 5k or buy her a trampoline or dance class subscription. But she refuses.

Last night she was on her 4th round of toast and DS said ‘That’s enough’ Now she won’t talk to him.

What do we do? Ignore it and watch it happen? Speak to her? It’s getting out of control

Uts well known that technology can isolate us
Probably more the opposite case these days though, with the actual isolation happening and technology allowing us to have contact outside the immediate family. If anything it's an escape these days.

DS 14 put a lot of weight on in the first lockdown and like you it got to the point where we didn't buy any treats, but he'd just overeat cereal or bread.

Thankfully when he went back to school, after a few weeks of PE, rugby 3 times a week and constant football with friends he slimmed out and shot up. Fingers crossed this time he doesn't go back to unhealthy ways.

Can you encourage her to meet up with a friend outside? I think last time DS was just eating through boredom and possibly the same for your DD is she's not too bothered what it is.

I was a fat teenager or thin DPs, and I think for me it was about control. DM was too involved in my life - picked my O levels for me, wouldn't let me give up a musical instrument so I could put it on my university application form, it all came from a good place, but felt like I had little agency in my own life and food was very comforting.

There's no easy answer unfortunately.

She loves eggs. Always eats them.

Great! Protein is her friend. It’s the carbs/sugar alone that will be spiking insulin and ramping up her hunger.

Poor girl. I really feel for her and you OP. This must be really difficult.

I would definitely suggest you take her to the doctors. There definitely could be an underlying cause of this need to eat.

Then again, there could be no physical medical condition but she is just so depressed. What does she do at home that's not related to food? What hobbies does she have?

@Crakeandoryx

She's bored and possibly really fed up! Don't get at her otherwise she will secret eat and she'll lose the ability to self regulate. Get her involved in her own meals. Make easy food such as bread less easy. Freeze the bread and fill your fridge with raw carrot sticks etc.

Her clothes must be getting uncomfortable so help her realise what she's doing. I suspect it's mindless eating. Also be aware that if she's quite short and has some major growing to do her weight will level out with that.

Good advice.

I would be very wary of policing her eating habits. You could cause her to have an eating disordee.

A lot of girls go through a heavy stage at this age and you see them again at 16 and they've lost it all.
It's a time adjustment.

Encourage her to be healthy but you and the rest of your family shoukd resist the urge to shame her when she slips up.

Personally if be booking her an appointment with the doctor especially if this is a sensory issue causing her over eating, there may be occupational therapy that could help her get passed this.
I too would be so concerned, I got very depressed as a child and over ate, It does sadden me that my parents didn’t stop me or explain the health implications. I was so skinny when I was 8, then I turned 9 and experienced a trauma plus my period started and I gained loads of weight from eating too much crap and hormones changing my body. I only lost it all by starving myself as I was so ashamed.

I'm off to google adhd in adult women.

Hiding food isn't the answer.

I'd have a gentle chat, just say you're worried. And keep repeating it - no diet plans, not criticising her when she eats. Eating disorders are deep rooted in the head, not the conscious mind.

And GP for a full health screen - I'm diabetic, and can't control my appetite at all if my blood sugar is high. It's terrifying, you just can't hit the level of full. Prader willi syndrome would be unlikely with her height. Once you get an all clear from that, then maybe a chat with a dietitician (for you) and maybe some sort of counselling to address what's driving the instatiable hunger.

It's bloody hard raising teenagers

I really don't think GP's are going to have much to say about this, they are totally overworked, it's impossible to get CAHMS help, what do you think they can do for a 14 1/2 year old who eats lots of toast, is depressed in lockdown and her mum thinks she's a bit podgy!

Sorry, but I don't think putting on weight in lockdown is unusual or weird. I also think that often mums struggle when their whippet thin 12 year olds then turn into quite curvy and sometimes a tad overweight fourteen year olds, with boobs, busts and hips. By nearly 15, some girls are still very thin and some really fill out. My dd was one of them and she did struggle as her friends were still tiny at that stage, but they won't be by 18.

I think valuing her, and making sure she has an emotional 'soft place to fall' whether it be you or a therapist or supporting her to see friends for walks, is all far more important than the fact you are noticing 'rolls of fat' instead of 'feeling her ribs', I can honestly say that I don't notice my girls bodies when I hug them and I wonder if that consciousness is feeding her negativity about herself. Make her feel great, support her (even if you think some of the things she chooses to do or be interested in are wrong or boring) and make her feel like an ok person, at the moment she's hiding away in baggy clothes and stuffing herself with toast, it's those feelings about herself that need to be reversed, she just needs encouragement to feel control over her own life and a little boost to get herself started.

She needs to do the cracker carbs test. It might be that shes predisposed to processing carbs better than others and not getting enough is causing severe hunger. That was me.

I lived with my inlaws for a year when saving for a house and piled on weight. I have always been a steady size 8. I went from 8 to not fitting in a 12 in the space of 6 months. They bought me size 12 vest tops for christmas and I had to take them back for a 14 and by the time this process was over I couldnt fit in those either! They were eating slimming world meals, hardly any carbs, little dairy, everything brown or 'healthy' quinoa etc, hardly enough veg as well. It was all just dire. I have never been so simultaneously starving and fat at the same time. If I wasnt in anothers house I would have eaten them out of house and home with snacks/ toast etc.

Now I am back to my steady size 8 and you would not believe how much carbs/bread I eat. I can eat a 2 portion risotto and half a loaf of bread in one sitting and I am full but do not gain any weight.

I know you've had a tonne of messages here, which must be overwhelming, but i just wanted to give my experience: I'm 5ft 11, and hit this height at 14. I then piled on weight, and got to about 14 stone. I was hugely self-conscious, comfort ate, stole food, never stopped really.

My mum never said a word. Never commented on my weight or tried to make me exercise. I began losing the weight naturally in my early 20s, and don't have the issues many people seem to have from their mums being very involved in their weight.

I know it must be almost impossible to do what my mum did (if my DD goes the same way i did, i'm going to have to work very hard not to comment), but it did work for me. Good luck

I wish my mum had found a way to talk to me about this compassionately when I was a teen. I had no idea how to manage my hunger. Plus your dd has lots of time at home near the cupboards.

Suggest in the short term reduce the junk snacks in the house, keep your bread in the freezer, buy wraps instead etc but maybe also help to think about planned snacking rather than banning it

Can you afford a session with a dietician without her, to seek advice as a parent?

Would she spent time researching recipes, and cooking? it may cost you some money especially if you have to buy gadgets but if she is bored, and likes food, it may be her thing. Make sure she cooks normal portions and the whole family gets to eat them. Maybe focus on protein based meals? and make it interesting by starting a dedicated Instagram account is she likes media, photography etc? It may sound counter intuitive but spending time cooking may help her eat less.

I cannot believe that there are adults on this thread suggesting that a child should be punished for being hungry, or that putting a child on a low carb diet is the way to sort this problem out.

OP you need to seek professional help to manage this properly or she's going to end up obese as an adult and rampantly unhappy.

I agree so much with @LittleGwyneth

So many of the responses are well-meant but shockingly uninformed.

It sounds definitely as if there could be underlying health issues. You mention the sensory issue, and that it's a long-standing theme (over-eating). The whole area of obesity (not saying OP's DD is) is much better understood, but only gradually. For a minority of the population, the issues are genetic & linked to endocrine issues. A referral to a endocrinologist & a specialist clinic in these issues (eg eating disorders, weight management etc) may be useful but staring with a discussion with the GP is a start.

OP, I think you sound very sensitive & knowledgable about your DD & the situation in front of you. I think you'll do the right thing for your DD.

Restricting food choices and / or assigning chores, including exercise as a reward system, as some posters have suggested, is more than wrong, it's dangerous.

Having the frank conversations you've started with are the right way to go. Name the behaviour you see - she is eating constantly & grazing, and that is a problem. Saying it is not making judgement on body shape & not going to kickstart an eating disorder. It's being honest and a caring, loving parent.

Good luck 💐

Sounds like my 13 year old DD. She has PDA with ASD, even though crappy Nhs paediatrician says otherwise (“she has friends and makes eye contact so can’t be autistic” was her assessment).

I have to put boundaries in with food, especially sugar/refined carbs (which are essentially the same thing), such as one pudding a day and no toast after teatime. I talk to her about the reality of eating and putting on too much weight. I say she has to go outside once a day and do some exercise of her choice, otherwise no phone. She has massive meltdowns but that’s just how she reacts to external rules.

She is much happier when she eats reasonably healthily and has some exercise.

There is no danger in creating an eating disorder in guiding children on their eating. I will not sit back and watch her become dangerously overweight- she would hate this too.

Not meaning to be rude here ,but as you say in your earlier post that most of the girls at your DDs school ,in a "naice" area are all reed slim.This does seem like you are making a comparison to DD to me (apologies if this is not the case obv).At pushing 6 feet tall I think she would have a fairly good appetite.If she is well built as well, then she may not have the shape of some of her peers .We live near a Grammar School also in the "naice" area of South Coast and many of the girls there are a bit plump TBH!

For those suggesting a chat with a GP- have you ever tried discussing something like this with an nhs Gp? You’ll get totally fobbed off!!

I would try and make healthy changes would she be interested in cooking from scratch with you maybe?? You have to tread so carefully if we were in a normal time and she could go out/school etc I’d worry but as it’s lockdown and teenagers must be really struggling I’d put it down to that.
You don’t want to create an issue with food (I’m not saying that you are or will) but if it did that could trigger all sorts.

Did you say she is 5'11" and 12 and a half stone?

That's not massive.

She won’t care if l take her allowance away. She doesn’t spend it

Please do not treat this as a disciplinary issue. That will be totally counter-productive.

As a GP, I would be wary of the well-meaning suggestions of taking her to the GP. I have had parents do this - the child finds it appallingly humiliating - it is not the basis for a productive conversation about healthy eating. Your DD's eating is very unlikely to be due to a medical condition but, if you want to rule this out, speak to the GP for advice yourself, without your DD there.

NHS dietician, another well-meaning suggestion, is, I'm afraid, a non-starter. We were struggling to get even people with life-limiting conditions and severe disability seen by dieticians, even before Covid. But there is loads of info online. Look at reputable (NHS or NHS-recommended) websites for young people with type 2 diabetes - the diet info on those will be suitable for your DD too. And good luck.

NHS GPs are gatekeepers to try to stop services getting overwhelmed. Her chances of getting an endocrine referral are nil unless there are other factors in this.

Half the female population has put on weight in lockdown. All my good friends have and a couple have taken up running/exercise to try to combat it, but I'd say a good half have put on a stone or more. We are adult women and are struggling to eat healthily in a very restrictive lockdown, and feel motivated to exercise, so a 14 1/2 year old doubly so.

GPs cannot treat slightly overweight 14 1/2 year olds, it's not even clear the daughter is overweight if she is tall, it may just be she's on the heavier side compared to her friends and the OP's opinion on how slim teenagers should be. They might give you a leaflet though about exercise/healthy eating (so pointless).

I really don't think GP's are going to have much to say about this, they are totally overworked,

I'm in Ireland so it's different but of course our GPs are under pressure too but I would be amazed if they didn't take this seriously.

Here, you'd have to pay to see a private consultant (or wait ages) which makes it both easier & harder - easier, as if you've the money you can do it, quickly but harder, as if you don't, you'll have to wait.

Also this:

Sorry, but I don't think putting on weight in lockdown is unusual or weird.

Frankly I think this view is dangerous. A few pounds, ok. Otherwise, why do we think it's ok?

I put on a few pounds in the first lockdown. That's really unusual for me - I'm small, slim, exercise daily, move a lot. But I realised, like most of us, although I was still exercising, most of my other movement had slowed down significantly.

So I had to change - my eating habits & work out how to move more. Replace my commute with a similar level of movement etc.

I didn't find this that hard, not the same for all, I know.
But it was important I did it, and it should be seen as widely important, not that it's ok to put on weight because lockdown has changed our habits & movement patterns.

I’m not making a comparison. I’m saying that practically all the 1700 kids in the school are very slim. I know it’s different in other schools because I’ve been in them. She will stand out and that will make it harder for her. It’s not about comparisons at all.

She’s a well built hourglass. She has had periods of this overeating before, but we didn’t say anything ever and she addressed it herself. But this is longer and more weight gain.

I’m not measuring her ribs. I just noticed a big increase in overall huggable size. It was quite noticeable.

Anyway she’s not speaking to me now.🤷🏼‍♀️

Have just read your posts about sensory issues with clothes. Well worth reading about asd in girls, and PDA. Very little help available but may help to find strategies online.

I always find that I’m direct and get a ‘shut up, get out’ reaction, but she’ll talk about it more when calm. I am very honest about eating and weight gain regarding medical issues. I always remind her that she’s beautiful and give compliments.