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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DS dating a trans boy- I’m confused

155 replies

Confusingteenagers · 19/12/2020 23:06

Name changed for this.

DS is 16, has had girlfriends in the past with one ‘serious’ relationship. He’s got a new friend who goes by a male name, and DS announced they were trans. I thought initially that they were male wishing to be female. But it’s transpired that they are a biological female wishing to be male. Yet DS has announced they are dating and have kissed Confused

I think I’m just taking time to get used to all of this and I don’t really know what to make of any of it. I was under the impression DS was straight but if this person wishes to be male does this make DS gay? Confused

OP posts:
gingerbeer2016 · 22/12/2020 09:53

Cis lesbian here. I mean this gently- does it bother you that your son might be gay/bi/pan? I suppose what I'm wondering is, do you need this information? Sexuality is so complex, and your son is young- as I assume the young man he's dating is too. Is it reassurance for yourself you're after? If so, I personally believe there's nothing wrong with that- as parents we often need some context to understand our kids, especially with the world so different to how it was. You've not said anything that indicates that he's in any way struggling though?

In terms of any ways you might want to support them, I think the starting point for me would be, this is the relationship he's in, it's a same-gender relationship and so he will face some forms of societal prejudice as a result. Lots of things which might seem quite minor individually but which do add up to become irritating, annoying, difficult, but also actually sometimes extremely upsetting and dangerous- although that's improved hugely with legal recognition of our relationships.

Unfortunately, as a young trans man, his partner will face some prejudice, and your son might also. But I think- and I'm basing this on my experience as a lesbian growing up in the 1980s, section 28- that you can do a huge amount by listening to them, supporting them, and just accepting them.

Certainly I, as a cis lesbian married to another cis lesbian, and with kids around your son's age, would absolutely see this as a same-gender relationship, and I'd absolutely regard him as gay, bi, pan or however he identified based upon that relationship, assuming that is how he identifies.

I obviously have very little information aside from your first post, but he sounds like a lovely lad and you're clearly doing something right :-)

CodenameVillanelle · 22/12/2020 09:56

@imissthebubonicplague

A person is attracted to another person. Have we become so obsessed with body bits that we can't acknowledge that love can and should be about personality and enjoying someone's company and wanting to be close and connected with them.
I don't know how you do it but I fuck with my 'body bits' so yeah they are quite important
Hyperfish101 · 22/12/2020 09:57

SOME people are saying that. Many more are not.

lazylinguist · 22/12/2020 10:16

It's ridiculous for posters to categorically state that the OP's ds is gay or that he's straight. I entirely agree that the fact that he's dating a biological woman does show that he is attracted to women (but we knew that, because the OP says he's had girlfriends before).

The fact that he's attracted to a girl who wants to be a man (and maybe presents in a masculine way) might mean the ds is also attracted to men too, but maybe not. I imagine this girl still looks physically very much like a girl. Maybe she's just having a 'trans' phase because it's the trendy thing to do, and he's just going along with it because he fancies her. Who knows?

Whattimeisdinner · 22/12/2020 10:22

purpleboy

@Whattimeisdinner pop on over to the Feminist board here. I think you'll find yourself truly shocked at what's going on, plus the women there are incredibly informative with evidence to back it up.

No. I’m staying away!

I took a look a while back and there are too many f’ed up attitudes on there for me to cope with! 🤪

Palavah · 22/12/2020 10:24

Why is everyone obsessed with labelling? He's experimenting, that's what teenagers do!
The important thing is that they have had the safe sex chat. And FFS don't 'because he/she's female', you'll just guarantee he doesn't take any of your advice.

CaraDuneRedux · 22/12/2020 10:26

I don't know how you do it but I fuck with my 'body bits' so yeah they are quite important

I think that is true of at least 90% of us, straight or gay. There are people who genuinely don't care (what used to be called, way back in the mists of prehistory in my youth, bisexual), who really are "hearts not parts" and I think that is a lovely way to be - but they are in a minority.

Whattimeisdinner · 22/12/2020 10:30

A person is attracted to another person. Have we become so obsessed with body bits that we can't acknowledge that love can and should be about personality and enjoying someone's company and wanting to be close and connected with them.

I love my closet friends. I am attracted to them because of their personality. I want to be connected to them.
I don’t want to sleep with them.

Whattimeisdinner · 22/12/2020 10:32

‘Closet’ ?! 😂 CLOSEST

CaraDuneRedux · 22/12/2020 10:34

@Whattimeisdinner

‘Closet’ ?! 😂 CLOSEST
Freudian or what? Wink.
LumpySpacedPrincess · 22/12/2020 10:35

Cis off with all that cissing gingerbeer, bloody offensive. Women don't pick the sexist stereotypes foisted on us and we certainly don't have gendered souls, how offensive.

Strawberrycreamsundae · 22/12/2020 10:36

@SoupDragon

but it's all just so fucking tiresome and navel gazing

No it isn't.

It definitely is!
Gurufloof · 22/12/2020 10:37

A person is attracted to another person. Have we become so obsessed with body bits that we can't acknowledge that love can and should be about personality and enjoying someone's company and wanting to be close and connected with them

This is annoying me now. I am bi, I dont care about body bits. I am in fact attracted to both sexes (I really dgaf about their gender) but I only have sex with those people who I find sexy. Amazing. Love is no way the same as sex. And although being in love makes the sex better, its not like we all need to be in love to have sex. Anyone who had a ONS knows it can be all about the sex act.
And I also love some people that I would never have sex with. We all do, it's called family.

ThatIsNotMyUsername · 22/12/2020 10:42

If they are having sexual then pregnancy is a risk - that is a no brainer. Hope they are being sensible and giving all the gender stuff a miss and just enjoy their relationship.

lazylinguist · 22/12/2020 10:48

A person is attracted to another person. Have we become so obsessed with body bits that we can't acknowledge that love can and should be about personality and enjoying someone's company and wanting to be close and connected with them

Nobody's suddenly become 'obsessed with body bits'. Being attracted to someone according to what sex they are does not mean you're obsessed with body bits fgs. A heterosexual woman is attracted to men. Men have male genitalia. Only a dimwit would conclude that the only thing that the heterosexual woman finds attractive in her male partner(s) is their genitalia.

Strawberrycreamsundae · 22/12/2020 10:54

[quote HotelliFinlandia]
www.gettheloutuk.com/blog/category/research/lesbians-at-ground-zero.html[/quote]
Who’s doing the coercing?

CodenameVillanelle · 22/12/2020 10:56

@lazylinguist

It's ridiculous for posters to categorically state that the OP's ds is gay or that he's straight. I entirely agree that the fact that he's dating a biological woman does show that he is attracted to women (but we knew that, because the OP says he's had girlfriends before).

The fact that he's attracted to a girl who wants to be a man (and maybe presents in a masculine way) might mean the ds is also attracted to men too, but maybe not. I imagine this girl still looks physically very much like a girl. Maybe she's just having a 'trans' phase because it's the trendy thing to do, and he's just going along with it because he fancies her. Who knows?

If he's attracted to girls in any configuration of masculine/feminine then he is not gay. Period. He might be bisexual who knows but he cannot be gay. Gay means something, it's not a fluid category.
Bluesername · 22/12/2020 10:57

The physical manifestations of our chromosomes and the sex they determine are many. It isn't just about the obvious 'body bits'!

Hormone levels, pheromones, physical build, figure, jawline, facial hair, body hair, average height, voice and muscle mass are all influenced by our biological sex. A male doesn't give off female pheromones or walk like a woman with childbearing hips or lose their broad shoulders just because they put a skirt on and insist they are a woman.

donquixotedelamancha · 22/12/2020 11:00

But he deosnt see himself as dating a female. He sees himself as dating a male. So that makes him bisexual.

Thank fuck for that. I see myself as thin and gorgeous.

I wonder why gay people didn't twig this sooner rather than creating all that fuss about discrimination?

donquixotedelamancha · 22/12/2020 11:03

A person is attracted to another person. Have we become so obsessed with body bits that we can't acknowledge that love can and should be about personality and enjoying someone's company and wanting to be close and connected with them

Have you ever met a teenage boy?

lazylinguist · 22/12/2020 11:04

If he's attracted to girls in any configuration of masculine/feminine then he is not gay. Period. He might be bisexual who knows but he cannot be gay. Gay means something, it's not a fluid category.

I know. I never said it was a fluid category. Neither did I say he might be gay. I said that posters can't say he's gay. They also can't say he's straight. Because unless they can see inside his mind, they don't know if he's attracted to men as well as women.

HmmSureJan · 22/12/2020 11:05

But he deosnt see himself as dating a female. He sees himself as dating a male. So that makes him bisexual.

Until he is attracted to men and dating a man, which he isn't at present, then he is not bisexual.

donquixotedelamancha · 22/12/2020 11:09

It's ridiculous for posters to categorically state that the OP's ds is gay or that he's straight.

This. He might be bi but the issue at the moment is that his GF thinks she's a boy, focusing on labelling him is not helpful.

She might have gender dysphoria and she might go on to transition or she might not. He needs a sympathetic ear, factual sex education and to know that this doesn't change who he is or his mother's love.

His GF should be treated with empathy and respect. From my substantial experience with gold who go through this there are very likely to be other difficulties in her life.

donquixotedelamancha · 22/12/2020 11:11

*gold should be girls.

Kokeshi123 · 22/12/2020 11:20

Given the current climate, and the fact that girls who do this are often driven by psychological insecurities, mental health issues and a desire to be cheered on by their peers, I'd be concerned about my son being dragged into something. Using a wrong pronoun, deadname or failing to validate something and being accused publicly of misgendering, breaking off the relationship for other reasons and having her decide that he was motivated by transphobia etc. I feel sorry for these girls but also worry about the potential for making trouble for friends and boyfriends.

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