DS dating a trans boy- I’m confused

[Confusingteenagers]

Name changed for this.

DS is 16, has had girlfriends in the past with one ‘serious’ relationship. He’s got a new friend who goes by a male name, and DS announced they were trans. I thought initially that they were male wishing to be female. But it’s transpired that they are a biological female wishing to be male. Yet DS has announced they are dating and have kissed

I think I’m just taking time to get used to all of this and I don’t really know what to make of any of it. I was under the impression DS was straight but if this person wishes to be male does this make DS gay?

@Whattimeisdinner

Hotel

WTF.
I had no idea.

Many people don't realise, hence the constant attempts to force the shut down of conversation with shrieks of "TERF!" and "TRANSPHOBIC BIGOT!" and "No Discussion On My Right To Exist!" It's vital we keep talking about it to make more people aware of what is at stake.

I understand your concerns and think they are valid. But I think there is another way to think of this too. I think you should be proud you have raised a DS with such an open heart and mind.

He will inevitably be getting some stick on this from peers and curious looks from strangers etc. And he is rising above that because he sees 'the person' and that they have something special about them he is drawn to.

Here's one explanation from transactivists about lesbians dating transwomen (the embedded video is also worth a watch).

It boils down to 'you are discriminatory and transphobic if you automatically dismiss the idea".

A quote;

"Some lesbians might be afraid of engaging with trans women because they might fear these gray areas — they might fear accidentally hurting a trans gal’s feelings. There’s a struggle with the unfamiliar. And some lesbians might not want to date trans women because they’re thinking about long-term commitment, and children. Trans women can’t give birth to children.

On the other hand, some lesbians don’t want to date women without a uterus because “these are not fully women.” See the difference between these two?"

Here's another article;

queerfeminism.com/2012/03/27/the-cotton-ceiling-is-real-and-its-time-for-all-queer-and-trans-people-to-fight-back/

Yes that is literally being expressed as a transphobic comment by many many activists

I actually can’t believe that people are being described as bigots because they don’t find a person sexually attractive.
I’m heterosexual and am physically repulsed by lots of men. I find others unbelievably attractive.
It’s personal preference.

He will inevitably be getting some stick on this from peers and curious looks from strangers etc. And he is rising above that because he sees 'the person' and that they have something special about them he is drawn to.

I bet he isn't. I bet his peer group are egging him on and applauding him all the way. It's very much a social contagion with some places where whole girl peer groups have decided they're actually boys and are transitioning, getting tons of positive attention for doing so. The numbers of girls transitioning has increased by 4400% over the past three years - with many moving into a pathway of painful medical and surgical interventions that will have life long consequences for their development and health. But again to talk about this is "bigoted" and transphobic".

Sorry OP - I did mean to echo those saying that no matter how your DS's new love interest identifies they have a fertile female body and can get pregnant - so yes to him using contraception.

I'd go with completely unshocked and polite to both otherwise.

It boils down to 'you are discriminatory and transphobic if you automatically dismiss the idea"

Well I’m going to hell obviously because I automatically dismiss the idea of having a sexual relationship with a female> male trans man (a man with vagina).
I also automatically dismiss the idea of having a sexual relationship with a big huge stocky man covered in hair (with an enormous dick).

Make sure Steve doesn't get pregnant. That would be an interesting trip to the doctor to discuss biology.

@taskmasterfan

I understand your concerns and think they are valid. But I think there is another way to think of this too. I think you should be proud you have raised a DS with such an open heart and mind.

He will inevitably be getting some stick on this from peers and curious looks from strangers etc. And he is rising above that because he sees 'the person' and that they have something special about them he is drawn to.

I honestly don't think that is the case, at all.

Being openly gender critical would be a genuinely controversial move for a teen in 2020. Messing around with identity and dating someone of the opposite biological sex but a trans identity is actually quite middle of the toad and conformist.

Middle of the road, obvs

@CaraDuneRedux

"That's nice dear, do remember to use condoms," should cover it.

It's a phase (both in terms of your son and in terms of society as a whole). Just nod and smile. I'd be far more worried about, for eg, a big age gap with its potential for coercive control.

This.

Whilst I appreciate your concerns, if your sons happy then what does it matter? Who cares if he's straight, bisexual, gay or whatever of the 1000s of labels that exist now a days - he likes his person and as long as the person treats him well and they are happy then there's nothing to be concerned about (100% back the idea of giving him the talk and explaining he still needs to use condoms to prevent stis and pregnancy)

@Whattimeisdinner pop on over to the Feminist board here. I think you'll find yourself truly shocked at what's going on, plus the women there are incredibly informative with evidence to back it up.

A person is attracted to another person. Have we become so obsessed with body bits that we can't acknowledge that love can and should be about personality and enjoying someone's company and wanting to be close and connected with them.

@Worriedandabitscared

Whilst I appreciate your concerns, if your sons happy then what does it matter? Who cares if he's straight, bisexual, gay or whatever of the 1000s of labels that exist now a days - he likes his person and as long as the person treats him well and they are happy then there's nothing to be concerned about (100% back the idea of giving him the talk and explaining he still needs to use condoms to prevent stis and pregnancy)

That’s why it matters. If we are genuinely going to act like the trans male is biologically male then no need for discussions about pregnancy. As two males can’t produce a child.

@imissthebubonicplague

A person is attracted to another person. Have we become so obsessed with body bits that we can't acknowledge that love can and should be about personality and enjoying someone's company and wanting to be close and connected with them.

No one is obsessed with ‘body bits’. What most gender critical females are interested in is making sure that the body bit that’s capable of rape doesn’t end up in the safe space of the people who have body bits that can be forcibly penetrated. So that’s when facts outweighs feelings.

Would op be confused and concerned if her son was dating a "cis" woman? As the same conversation would be needed. (I really don't like the term "Cis" but just to differentiate as if I put woman then people will be like "he is dating a woman") It doesn't matter as long as the appropriate conversations are had eg if my son was dating a cis man then I'd encourage condoms to prevent the spread of STIs and if he were to date a trans man I'd encourage the same (plus the added risk of pregnancy because I wouldn't know what medication the trans man was taking to prevent pregnancy) same if he dated a trans woman or a "cis" woman - a conversation around safe sex should always be had no matter what gender the person identifies as

Have we become so obsessed with body bits that we can't acknowledge that love can and should be about personality and enjoying someone's company and wanting to be close and connected with them

Erm, dunno about everyone else, but my sexuality is literally all about 'body bits' and while I love and care for many people with no regard whatsoever for their bodies, if I'm going to DTD with someone, yes their 'body bits' are pretty important! You seem to be confusing friendship with sexual attraction. It's SEXual attraction because we're attracted SEXually - so someone's SEX is definitely vital to that! It makes no difference to me what my best mate has got going on physically, but in a romantic and sexual partner, it is really very important. I don't think we should be trying to tell young people that sex doesn't matter - it's actually a pretty basic driving force and intimate relationships without an authentically exciting sexual element are not what any of us would choose.

there are some questionable things happening wrt to the ‘trans agenda’ but the issues of sex, gender and sexuality is a place of much debate. Some of you need to stop telling us all how to think as if the feminism section on MN is the epitome of correct thinking.

@imissthebubonicplague

A person is attracted to another person. Have we become so obsessed with body bits that we can't acknowledge that love can and should be about personality and enjoying someone's company and wanting to be close and connected with them.

That is an incredibly homophobic comment. Should homosexual people not be permitted to exclude people with particular "body bits" when they decide who to have sex with?

If your son is happy isn't that great. If the relationship develops embrace it. Be happy that they're happy.

@Hyperfish101

there are some questionable things happening wrt to the ‘trans agenda’ but the issues of sex, gender and sexuality is a place of much debate. Some of you need to stop telling us all how to think as if the feminism section on MN is the epitome of correct thinking.

Feminists are not the ones telling people that they have to sleep with people with certain body parts, and that they are transphobic bigots if they don't.