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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS dating a trans boy- I’m confused

155 replies

Confusingteenagers · 19/12/2020 23:06

Name changed for this.

DS is 16, has had girlfriends in the past with one ‘serious’ relationship. He’s got a new friend who goes by a male name, and DS announced they were trans. I thought initially that they were male wishing to be female. But it’s transpired that they are a biological female wishing to be male. Yet DS has announced they are dating and have kissed Confused

I think I’m just taking time to get used to all of this and I don’t really know what to make of any of it. I was under the impression DS was straight but if this person wishes to be male does this make DS gay? Confused

OP posts:
Sobeyondthehills · 22/12/2020 05:05

@Drybird2020

Your son's boyfriend's anatomy is female so the risk of pregnancy is something you should discuss with him.
This, along with STIs, you can deal with everything else as it hits,
StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 22/12/2020 05:11

As long as they use contraception if they have sex, and are being respectful to one an another, I wouldn't worry about labelling it all. People are far too quick to do that sometimes.

This person is your son's chosen partner, and they have asked you to refer to them as "he". So that's what you do. Just go with it.

lyinginthegutterstaringatstars · 22/12/2020 05:19

I find the whole gender thing confusing as well op ( i think it's just my generation ) I would just speak to your ds . As long as he's happy though that's all that counts.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/12/2020 05:26

At 16 I think you’ll just have to go with it and hope it’s a passing phase for all concerned. Youngsters seem to be a lot less hung up on how someone identifies.... part of this is due to not seeing the dangers and erasure and anything you will say probably won’t help right now.

I also wouldn’t consider your ds gay... unless he’s already into biological males, which not by the sound of it and agree with others, discussion about contraception and stds in order.

VashtaNerada · 22/12/2020 05:27

I agree with posters saying to remind him about pregnancy etc but other than that I don’t think you need to worry about his partner’s gender identity or your DS’s sexual orientation. Maybe this will last a week and they’ll both move on. Maybe they’ll fall in love and start a family. Maybe all his future partners will be female. Or maybe they’ll be male. Maybe he’ll date trans people again or maybe he won’t. For now I’d be supportive in the same way you would for any other relationship.

Mrbob · 22/12/2020 05:28

I agree with PPs. I wouldn't over think it and just refer to them as the pronouns they wish and be happy your DS is happy. It doesn't really matter I don't think.
Some of you have a really depressing attitude

YourWurstNightmare · 22/12/2020 05:54

Yet DS has announced they are dating and have kissed

The fact that he told you makes it sound like he thinks he's rebelling and trying to shock you. Remind him he's dating a female and agree about warning him to use protection.

Providora · 22/12/2020 06:13

I disagree that sexual attraction is only based on biology, I think identity plays a part too. For example, as a straight woman, I'm attracted to men but not to biological men who present as women, I'm quite sure I'm not alone there.

So I'm not sure 'straight'is the right label here, if we need a label. Pansexual probably.

CodenameVillanelle · 22/12/2020 06:35

Your son is dating a girl, so not gay
Sexuality is about bodies, not identity.

CodenameVillanelle · 22/12/2020 06:37

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

But he deosnt see himself as dating a female. He sees himself as dating a male. So that makes him bisexual.

However, if you actually drilled him on this, I would bet that he would refuse to date someone with a penis, and that he actually sees this person as female so attractive and not as a man.

Grin I guarantee this 16 year old boy doesn't see himself as dating a male He would not be dating a 'trans girl' with a penis 100% Sexuality is far more straightforward than wokies try to convince us it is.
TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 22/12/2020 06:41

@StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads

As long as they use contraception if they have sex, and are being respectful to one an another, I wouldn't worry about labelling it all. People are far too quick to do that sometimes.

This person is your son's chosen partner, and they have asked you to refer to them as "he". So that's what you do. Just go with it.

I agree with this. Just roll with it, most relationships at this age don't last anyway.

DS2 (14) told me yesterday that he's bisexual. My response was oh ok. Have you got a bf/gf at the moment?" He doesn't but I told him I look forward to meeting one in the future. Based on my friends at that age its possibly just a phase/rebellion against whatever teens rebel against. If he wanted a reaction he didnt get one Grin

SnuggyBuggy · 22/12/2020 06:49

I would be inclined to agree that chances are he wouldn't date someone with a penis. People say all sorts of stuff about themselves that they'd never actually live up to.

Frenchdressing · 22/12/2020 06:58

Amazed at some of the responses on this thread. I accept that MN is gender critical on the whole and I tend towards that position myself wrt women’s rights etc. However, saying ‘this is a girl’ and ‘your son is not gay’ so categorically feels so wrong. Sexuality does not have to be fixed and binary.

Sexuality is a spectrum. Just accept this is your son’s person for now.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 22/12/2020 07:03

French, those are just facts though, non judgemental facts.

Gay means something. Watching a straight couple appropriate other peoples lives isn't brave or stunning.

Frenchdressing · 22/12/2020 07:06

Who said it was brave of stunning? Is sexuality purely about biology? I don’t think it is.

CaraDuneRedux · 22/12/2020 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GCAcademic · 22/12/2020 07:16

@Frenchdressing

Who said it was brave of stunning? Is sexuality purely about biology? I don’t think it is.
What is a homosexual and what is a heterosexual, then, if not about biological sex? Why do you think homosexuals have been discriminated against in the past if sexuality is a spectrum? Are they wrong to describe themselves as same-sex attracted?
Bluesername · 22/12/2020 07:16

I disagree that sexual attraction is only based on biology, I think identity plays a part too. For example, as a straight woman, I'm attracted to men but not to biological men who present as women

What about biological women who identify as men?

HoneysuckIejasmine · 22/12/2020 07:22

Just make sure they are using contraception and leave him to it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Kaliorphic · 22/12/2020 07:23

He's dating a biological woman. As being gay is same sex attraction not same gender attraction, I would say the evidence so far points to your son being straight.

SillyOldMummy · 22/12/2020 07:23

@LindaEllen, it DOES make a difference if he is gay or straight or bi. It is lovely, romantic and naive to think it doesn't matter

If he is straight or bi, he could get his partner pregnant. He needs to use protection in any case, but the conversations around safe sex are different if a girl is involve because he may be relying on her to follow safe contraceptive practices. It is important he is clear in his own mind "which hole(s) they will be sticking it in" so he has a good idea of what will happen in the heat of the moment.

Frenchdressing · 22/12/2020 07:24

I think homosexual and heterosexual are valid labels that recognise the role of biology in sexual attraction. However I also believe that sexuality is more complex than purely biology and that there are other factors that can be influencial.

rwalker · 22/12/2020 07:32

I would be confused but would take massive pride in the fact has happy and confident enough to tell you without worrying about labels and sexuality.
He sounds like a lovely young who's fallen for the person rather than the gender or sexauality .

I would say( if we have to label it) he's pansexual it about the person not gender or sexuality .

PrinnyPree · 22/12/2020 07:39

@LindaEllen

I know it might seem confusing, but honestly, it doesn't matter who your son has fallen in love with. You don't have to attach a label of straight, bi or gay to him. Just accept that he is with this person, find out what they prefer to be called and their preferred pronouns, and welcome them into the family as you would if he'd just brought a girl home.
Good advice x
SoupDragon · 22/12/2020 07:51

@LindaEllen

I know it might seem confusing, but honestly, it doesn't matter who your son has fallen in love with. You don't have to attach a label of straight, bi or gay to him. Just accept that he is with this person, find out what they prefer to be called and their preferred pronouns, and welcome them into the family as you would if he'd just brought a girl home.
This is absolutely spot on. It doesn't matter whether they are a boy or a girl or would prefer to live as the other, they are the person your son is dating. From your point of view that is all that matters.

Just let them get on with it. As others have said, you do need to address the risk of pregnancy though.