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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS dating a trans boy- I’m confused

155 replies

Confusingteenagers · 19/12/2020 23:06

Name changed for this.

DS is 16, has had girlfriends in the past with one ‘serious’ relationship. He’s got a new friend who goes by a male name, and DS announced they were trans. I thought initially that they were male wishing to be female. But it’s transpired that they are a biological female wishing to be male. Yet DS has announced they are dating and have kissed Confused

I think I’m just taking time to get used to all of this and I don’t really know what to make of any of it. I was under the impression DS was straight but if this person wishes to be male does this make DS gay? Confused

OP posts:
Kaliorphic · 22/12/2020 08:27

I sure do feel for the lesbians right now.

It's pretty grim watching them be erased that's for sure.

HotelliFinlandia · 22/12/2020 08:27

I'd not discuss it with him to be honest. Only to make clear that his "boyfriend" can get pregnant and it's his responsibility to protect himself from becoming a father. Regardless of whatever blockers or hormones his "boyfriend" is taking.

And keep and eye on him, because a very high percentage of teen girls who identify as boys have a history of mental health issues including suicide threats. This kid might be different, but keep an eye on DS, because he's the one who is your responsibility.

And yes he's in a heterosexual relationship, but no point in that discussion. If he starts going in about gay rights applying to him then I'd have a discussion about appropriation, but with any luck this'll be short lived. And your total lack of shock with aid that.

Whattimeisdinner · 22/12/2020 08:28

So lesbian women are being pressured to accept trans women as partners? In other words, women who used to be men?

HmmSureJan · 22/12/2020 08:29

@Whattimeisdinner

So lesbian women are being pressured to accept trans women as partners? In other words, women who used to be men?
Yes.
HotelliFinlandia · 22/12/2020 08:30

@Whattimeisdinner

So lesbian women are being pressured to accept trans women as partners? In other words, women who used to be men?

Yes.

Search for the Get the L Out report about this. It's really horrible reading.

If you are a young lesbian you basically are a bigot for saying you don't sleep with dick. You're discriminating based on someone's genitals, how horrible can you be...?

Providora · 22/12/2020 08:33

What about biological women who identify as men?

Nope, as I said I think sexual attractiveness for most people is down to biology AND identity, I am only attracted to biological men who present as such and suspect that's the case for most straight women.

I really don't think a boy dating someone who is presenting and identifying as a male can be called straight, regardless of what's in everyone's underpants.

ScrapThatThen · 22/12/2020 08:33

Hi OP, as long as he is dating someone he finds attractive and who treats him well, then just navigate the cultural bits with him with a grounded common sense. A lot of his peers might culturally view this as - I was going to say a same sex relationship but of course they are not - a gay relationship, while others will say don't label it. I would say encourage your ds to navigate these choppy waters with only a view to how he feels, what he wants, a respect for the person he is dating and a see how it goes mentality without pinning himself into one understanding of himself or the world or assuming that others views are correct or bigoted. He will and can make his own mind up but nothing should be absolute when you are a teen.

Whattimeisdinner · 22/12/2020 08:34

So lesbian women are being pressured to accept trans women as partners? In other words, women who used to be men?

Yes

I don’t even know where to start with this.

As a heterosexual woman I wouldn’t find a female to male person remotely attractive.
(A ‘male’ with female genitalia ).

Is the same happening that way round?

HmmSureJan · 22/12/2020 08:37

@Whattimeisdinner

So lesbian women are being pressured to accept trans women as partners? In other words, women who used to be men?

Yes

I don’t even know where to start with this.

As a heterosexual woman I wouldn’t find a female to male person remotely attractive.
(A ‘male’ with female genitalia ).

Is the same happening that way round?

This could be your moment when you realise just how damaging radical trans ideology is. Mine was when I heard that the IOC had changed its regulations to allow male athletes identifying as female to compete at the Olympics, and I realise now that was no where near as bad as the bullying and coercion being meted out to lesbians now.
GCAcademic · 22/12/2020 08:37

@Whattimeisdinner

So lesbian women are being pressured to accept trans women as partners? In other words, women who used to be men?
Yes. It is also worth noting that there is no equivalent pressure on gay men to accept trans men as partners. Not that I'm saying that there should be, just pointing out that - as usual - when a double standard is applied, it's always female people who treated worse.
Mmn654123 · 22/12/2020 08:38

@Whattimeisdinner

So lesbian women are being pressured to accept trans women as partners? In other words, women who used to be men?

Yes

I don’t even know where to start with this.

As a heterosexual woman I wouldn’t find a female to male person remotely attractive.
(A ‘male’ with female genitalia ).

Is the same happening that way round?

No.

Because females who identify as men don’t seem to feel entitled to demand sex as a right from women and they don’t tend to be aggressive in their quest to dominate females.

Because.....females.

Boys, however, will keep being boys - regardless of how they dress and identify.

CodenameVillanelle · 22/12/2020 08:39

@Whattimeisdinner

So lesbian women are being pressured to accept trans women as partners? In other words, women who used to be men?
Yes. But there is no such thing as a woman who used to be a man. Especially when you consider many of these 'trans lesbians' have had no hormone treatment or surgery.
CodenameVillanelle · 22/12/2020 08:40

@Providora

What about biological women who identify as men?

Nope, as I said I think sexual attractiveness for most people is down to biology AND identity, I am only attracted to biological men who present as such and suspect that's the case for most straight women.

I really don't think a boy dating someone who is presenting and identifying as a male can be called straight, regardless of what's in everyone's underpants.

Nobody 'presents' as male. They might present as masculine but their body is entirely female. Sexuality isn't being attracted to clothes and haircuts.
ChristmasBubble · 22/12/2020 08:40

Technically he'd probably be described as pansexual but it's still too young in my opinion to know what your orientation is and gender identity is a complicating factor in sexuality.

I've known a woman who identifies as bisexual because her husband transitioned to female. I met her at an LGBT group. I wouldn't say she is bisexual in the same way that I am because she is attracted to men only. They didn't stay together.

Mmn654123 · 22/12/2020 08:42

@CodenameVillanelle
Yes good point. Folk also don’t realise the trans women claiming to be lesbians and castigating the bigoted TERF lesbians for not accepting their girldicks don’t need to be on any medication or have had any surgery. So physically no different to any other heterosexual male.

HotelliFinlandia · 22/12/2020 08:42

@Whattimeisdinner

So lesbian women are being pressured to accept trans women as partners? In other words, women who used to be men?

Yes

I don’t even know where to start with this.

As a heterosexual woman I wouldn’t find a female to male person remotely attractive.
(A ‘male’ with female genitalia ).

Is the same happening that way round?

The direct comparison is actually with heterosexual males being told they are bigots for not wanting to have a relationship/sex with trans women (aka men with a functioning penis - almost none have full surgery).

There's absolutely none. Straight men do not have to accept "lady dick" or be called a bigot.

Whattimeisdinner · 22/12/2020 08:43

If you are a young lesbian you basically are a bigot for saying you don't sleep with dick. You're discriminating based on someone's genitals, how horrible can you be...?

That’s ridiculous.
So am I bigoted and discriminatory when I say as a heterosexual woman that I don’t find a certain type of man attractive? That I prefer a certain look? That I don’t find all men (or theirs penises) physically attractive?
That I certainly wouldn’t find a man with a vagina physically attractive?

Is that what people are saying? (But the other way round?)

MrsGrindah · 22/12/2020 08:43

@joystir59 That is one of the most sensible comments on the whole trans debate that I have read in a long time.

Whattimeisdinner · 22/12/2020 08:45

Hotel

WTF.
I had no idea.

crossstitchingnana · 22/12/2020 08:45

Whether he's gay, straight, bi, pan or other it's up to your son to decide. They identify as male, that's their decision.

CodenameVillanelle · 22/12/2020 08:47

@Whattimeisdinner

If you are a young lesbian you basically are a bigot for saying you don't sleep with dick. You're discriminating based on someone's genitals, how horrible can you be...?

That’s ridiculous.
So am I bigoted and discriminatory when I say as a heterosexual woman that I don’t find a certain type of man attractive? That I prefer a certain look? That I don’t find all men (or theirs penises) physically attractive?
That I certainly wouldn’t find a man with a vagina physically attractive?

Is that what people are saying? (But the other way round?)

Yes that is literally being expressed as a transphobic comment by many many activists
Whattimeisdinner · 22/12/2020 08:47

The direct comparison is actually with heterosexual males being told they are bigots for not wanting to have a relationship/sex with trans women (aka men with a functioning penis - almost none have full surgery).

What about Gay men being called bigots for not finding female>male trans attractive?
(In other words a man with a vagina)?

CodenameVillanelle · 22/12/2020 08:48

@crossstitchingnana

Whether he's gay, straight, bi, pan or other it's up to your son to decide. They identify as male, that's their decision.
People don't 'decide' to be gay or straight. That's a really homophobic perspective. Being gay or straight isn't dependent on someone else's subjective identity. This boy is either gay (homosexual) or he isn't. The fact he's dating a female indicates he's probably not gay.
CodenameVillanelle · 22/12/2020 08:49

@Whattimeisdinner

The direct comparison is actually with heterosexual males being told they are bigots for not wanting to have a relationship/sex with trans women (aka men with a functioning penis - almost none have full surgery).

What about Gay men being called bigots for not finding female>male trans attractive?
(In other words a man with a vagina)?

That's happening too! But unsurprisingly most gay men aren't having it