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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Help, I lost my' besty' / child

104 replies

Teddy06 · 23/11/2020 10:16

Hello,

I thought teens would be exciting and obviously all those chats we had about talking always and always being close would be true..haha!

We are at the start of puberty and I am really struggling (as I know he is)...the constant arguments, not being able to say or do anything without being told to 'Just stop' 'Shut up' etc etc.

I knew this would happen, other people joke about stroppy teenagers/ not speaking / time in room,. I just don't think I was prepared for it. We have been together almost every day for 14 years and it feels like that within the space of two weeks that little boy has completely gone and in his place a young boy has appeared that gets annoyed by almost every single thing I say or do.

I know that I have to let him find his way and be there no matter what, but bloody hell it really hurts and I have cried almost every day (in private....I'm crying now). I hope this doesn't sound massively needy and clingy, I'm not. I am just used to this very close / funny / giggly relationship and it's practically gone overnight and I'm grieving.

I haven't posted on Mumsnet before so forgive me if you reply and I don't find it straightaway, I just wanted to get support from other mums that have been through this or are going through it. I know he'll come back, but I'm so sad to have lost that other relationship and just need to suck it up and get through it somehow.

Thanks x

OP posts:
nemeton · 23/11/2020 10:19

I take it you've never come across Kevin and Perry?

Original poster
Teddy06 · 23/11/2020 10:21

Haha! Yes, you're not the first to mention that. It seemed funny all those years ago. I know it's part of teenage life, I just wasn't prepared for how tough it would be /feel.

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 23/11/2020 10:22

Sadly, it is part and parcel of being a parent.

The happy news is that they come out the other side of it eventually.

Flowers
JiltedJohnsJulie · 23/11/2020 10:23

Sometimes we show Kevin & Perry to DD...Grin

ItsALovelyDayToday · 23/11/2020 10:26

You were a teenager yourself at one point. We’re you similar? Do you have a good relationship with parent/s now?

I can assure you that I was the moodiest, Kevin-est teenager ever from 13-18 but when I left home and didn’t see them every day I appreciated them a lot more and we have a lovely, close relationship now.

The song Mama by the Spice Girls is so relatable to me now, even though at the time I didn’t get it Smile

tions · 23/11/2020 10:28

Give him a hug when he is being particularly stroppy, tell him you love him and then go and make a cup of tea. He is conflicted as secretly he still wants the hugs but he feels he needs to be the big independent man.

Original poster
Teddy06 · 23/11/2020 10:28

Did you feel sad when it happened? I'm also looking forward to the years ahead, just (and also I'm an over-sensitive bod in all things) struggling at the moment.

OP posts:
Cuddling57 · 23/11/2020 10:30

Aww it is upsetting isn't it. But good you aren't showing him that.
Just as when they were toddlers it's still a phase. It will come and go. He'll prob be back to normal in two weeks then go crazy again two weeks later!
Just think how he feels! All these hormones and emotions he doesn't know what to do with.
Your role (in front of him) is to be the strong stable unconditionally loving mum he knows he loves.
I find it helpful never to hold a grudge and no need to keep going over what they have done wrong or if they have been rude. Being told once is a good thing and shows you expect to be respected. But never mentioned again. Each day is a new start and all that! I also find it useful to use humour a lot.
Don't forget to keep offering cuddles and kisses (top of the head only for us lol). Also lots of 'love you's'.
What a lucky boy to have such a lovely relationship with his mum.

Hoppinggreen · 23/11/2020 10:32

Stay away from the MacDonalds xmas advert OP, it will destroy you!

ssd · 23/11/2020 10:34

Let him be. He isn't your besty, he's got bestys of his own. Get your own bestys.

orangebeach · 23/11/2020 10:35

I know just how you feel. My dd rarely comes out of her room these days and some days everything I say is highly offensive. Somehow I think lockdown sped up her growing up and wanting to get away from me! It's so hard isn't it, no advice really, just to say you're not alone and I feel so sad too - it's taken me by surprise - I wasn't ready for this.

orangebeach · 23/11/2020 10:38

Meant to say, don't listen to Slipping through my fingers, ABBA, it has me in tears every time! She does like to tease me by singing it occasionally. 😂

giantangryrooster · 23/11/2020 10:38

I know he'll come back, but I'm so sad to have lost that other relationship and just need to suck it up and get through it somehow.

I knew all the teenage stuff, sayings etc. But further down the line, I actually started to question it our loving relationship would ever return (it did Smile). But it was hard times.

My dc are early twenties now, my best advise is to choose your battles, few boundaries but important onces to keep your ds safe and when ds is in foul a mood or looking for a fight or generally being embarrassed of you... the hardest to learn... Ignore, ignore, walk out of the room if necessary.

A teen (apart from the angelic ones) do not want to be mummy's best friend, we just need to suck it up Smile.

thecakebadge · 23/11/2020 10:40

In the gentlest way possible OP, the 'besty' sentiment is probably not helpful. It's lovely you have had such a close relationship but it is not normal or healthy for a 13/14 year old to have their Mum as their best friend. It sounds like he's going through a perfectly typical phase and will come out the other side.

Try to make sure you don't overreact to this - and crying every day does sound like an overreaction - because he will pick up on it and you really don't want to end up in a situation where he feels responsible for your happiness and wellbeing. You are the adult remember, it's your job to guide him through the highs and lows of growing up - not the other way around.

Ride it out and he will come around eventually. Oh and don't put up with being told to shut up - yes he may be a moody teenager but you should expect the same level of manners and respect and you would from any other person. No need to make a big deal but maybe say something like 'please don't be rude to me' just to remind him that he can't take all his teenage angst out on you :-D

Original poster
Teddy06 · 23/11/2020 10:41

@ssd

Let him be. He isn't your besty, he's got bestys of his own. Get your own bestys.
Aaaw I know I used that term but I don't mean it literally. We're just very close, that's what I meant.
OP posts:
Original poster
Teddy06 · 23/11/2020 10:44

Hey everyone, I understand the use of 'Besty' creates comment, I don't mean it literally, He has best friends I have mine! I just meant it in the sense we are close and can /could(!) talk about most things. I'm a parent first. Sorry I couldn't edit title!

OP posts:
jerrywesterby · 23/11/2020 10:45

@Hoppinggreen

Stay away from the MacDonalds xmas advert OP, it will destroy you!
SadSadSadSadSad it's a killer
Ginfordinner · 23/11/2020 10:45

I agree about the besty comments. A 14 year old boy doesn't want his mum as his best friend. He wants someone his own age.

As a parent we need to learn to let go, but still be there for them when they need us.

LaceyBetty · 23/11/2020 10:46

My son is 10 and I think about this a lot. Really trying to enjoy the tween years as best I can. I was pretty miserable to my mum at age 14 and 15. I think by 16 things started to get better as the major hormonal surges settled down a bit!

Original poster
Teddy06 · 23/11/2020 10:46

@giantangryrooster

I know he'll come back, but I'm so sad to have lost that other relationship and just need to suck it up and get through it somehow.

I knew all the teenage stuff, sayings etc. But further down the line, I actually started to question it our loving relationship would ever return (it did Smile). But it was hard times.

My dc are early twenties now, my best advise is to choose your battles, few boundaries but important onces to keep your ds safe and when ds is in foul a mood or looking for a fight or generally being embarrassed of you... the hardest to learn... Ignore, ignore, walk out of the room if necessary.

A teen (apart from the angelic ones) do not want to be mummy's best friend, we just need to suck it up Smile.

@giantangryrooster thank-you, that's really helpful advice and much appreciated x
OP posts:
Original poster
Teddy06 · 23/11/2020 10:47

@LaceyBetty

My son is 10 and I think about this a lot. Really trying to enjoy the tween years as best I can. I was pretty miserable to my mum at age 14 and 15. I think by 16 things started to get better as the major hormonal surges settled down a bit!
@LaceyBetty I didn't listen when everyone said 'make the most of them being little....' etc I should have!!! Ten's a lovely age, thankfully lots of nice feedback with good advice here.
OP posts:
RoseDog · 23/11/2020 10:48

Teenagers need a parent not a bestie but they do come out the other side and it's quite nice!

Original poster
Teddy06 · 23/11/2020 10:49

@Ginfordinner

I agree about the besty comments. A 14 year old boy doesn't want his mum as his best friend. He wants someone his own age.

As a parent we need to learn to let go, but still be there for them when they need us.

@Ginfordinner definitely, I meant it as in we're really close, not best friends...unfortuantely I can't edit now!
OP posts:
ItsALovelyDayToday · 23/11/2020 10:49

The other thing to really remember is that ime being a teenager is fucking awful and difficult and scary and you need to be as mindful of that as you can. They can’t help it and it’s normal so don’t be too harsh.

Original poster
Teddy06 · 23/11/2020 10:50

@orangebeach

I know just how you feel. My dd rarely comes out of her room these days and some days everything I say is highly offensive. Somehow I think lockdown sped up her growing up and wanting to get away from me! It's so hard isn't it, no advice really, just to say you're not alone and I feel so sad too - it's taken me by surprise - I wasn't ready for this.
@orangebeach thanks so much for messaging. I knew it would happen, I just wasn't prepared for it and it's really sad! Some good advice here for dealing with it and not losing your head (so easy to do) thank-you again xx
OP posts:
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