Help, I lost my' besty' / child

[Teddy06]

Hello,

I thought teens would be exciting and obviously all those chats we had about talking always and always being close would be true..haha!

We are at the start of puberty and I am really struggling (as I know he is)...the constant arguments, not being able to say or do anything without being told to 'Just stop' 'Shut up' etc etc.

I knew this would happen, other people joke about stroppy teenagers/ not speaking / time in room,. I just don't think I was prepared for it. We have been together almost every day for 14 years and it feels like that within the space of two weeks that little boy has completely gone and in his place a young boy has appeared that gets annoyed by almost every single thing I say or do.

I know that I have to let him find his way and be there no matter what, but bloody hell it really hurts and I have cried almost every day (in private....I'm crying now). I hope this doesn't sound massively needy and clingy, I'm not. I am just used to this very close / funny / giggly relationship and it's practically gone overnight and I'm grieving.

I haven't posted on Mumsnet before so forgive me if you reply and I don't find it straightaway, I just wanted to get support from other mums that have been through this or are going through it. I know he'll come back, but I'm so sad to have lost that other relationship and just need to suck it up and get through it somehow.

Thanks x

He'll come back to you.
I remember being a teenager, and my parents just got on my nerves with everything they did or said. I had so much irrational anger at that point, and PMT made it worse for a few days every month.
My parents used to laugh at me and say ohhh she's like Kevin the teenager .. and honestly that used to break my heart, and I used to sit in my room crying because Mum and Dad were laughing at me when I felt so bad and I didn't know what to do to make it stop.
Gradually I grew out of it and we grew closer again.
But it was very tough at the time.

My Sil, who is a lone parent to a 15 year old, described it as a long slow and painful end of a relationship. You can start a new adult relationship but these years are tough.

It might depend what dog you get OrangeGinLemonFanta I don't remember my childhood golden retriever being anything other than adorable but current dog is a terrier so much less desire to please anyway.

The quickest way to make him fed up / pissed off / run away is to chase after him. Let him go, and he will return willingly when he is ready.
Actually, this has brought to mind Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars where they talk about men being on elastic, and you are holding the other end. Chase after them and they run further away, let them go alone, they reach the end of the elastic and bounce back.
I very much remember my DMum trying to muscle in on time with my best buddy, she kept following us from room to room. She was very hurt. I was very fed up. And it (clearly) stayed with me, so I never did anything similar with my DCs as teens.
Corny, but they need roots and wings. Stand back so they can fly.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar even my current dog tried to assert his independence during his 'teens'

So did ours .

And OrangeGinLemonFanta even the cats tried it out a little coming of age .

Och OP, I could have written this. My DS is 15 and it's like I've lost a limb, my wee pal has morphed into this huge child who literally said yesterday 'don't sit down and start watching this film, I'm watching it.' (Rest assured he got a stern word about not owning the couch or the telly, but still...)

My advice is to pick your battles, let him go, but still keep as many rituals as you possibly can. I still get up and make his breakfast and packed lunch, not because he's incapable of doing it but because I put myself out to school every day from the age of 12 and remember it as being really miserable not seeing anyone in the morning. Praise the good stuff, let him overhear you praising the good stuff to other people. Talk about things he cares about (YouTube videos).

Avoid at all costs the McDonald's advert, Slipping Through My Fingers by ABBA and cute tweens.

Not "losing" them is not always terribly reassuring. My dd at that age was suffering from MH issues and suicidal. She clung to me, she needed me so much, she couldn't let me go. I would have given anything for a little ordinary sassy independence, just to know she was ok.

I can't listen to the ABBA song for opposite reasons to everybody else: I never had that experience of a normally developing little girl cheerfully setting off to school without a backwards glance.

It breaks my heart to think what she lost through all those years and how much she had to catch up with and learn.

I think there are certain things boys need - first of all he'll grow so much over the next years and if he doesn't eat enough then he will struggle with his mood. Then he'll need a lot of exercise, more than usual - you should find he's in a better mood after exercise. Then it's really important to boys that they have what their friends have, eg if his friends can stay out till a certain time, then he will really want that right himself.

Try to have an hour every day where you do something together eg watching the same TV programme. Take his lead on this - the goal is to keep him in the room rather than watch something you want to watch.

Never ever criticise his friends, even if he does.

Don't ask him to do things when he's hungry - it won't be worth it.

Girls are very different - a whole other kettle of fish!

Just in terms of food - my son won't eat something just because he fancies it (no idea where he came from) and will stop eating the second he is full, but when he was in his teens he ate a big supper every night. He didn't put on weight (in terms of fat) but did grow a few inches each year. Porridge for breakfast was the only thing that stopped him wanting a snack mid-morning.

I really needed to read this thread, thank you OP for starting it and all who've contributed. I have an almost 13 year old DS and almost 16 year old DD and am feeling the loss of their childhood selves quite sharply at the moment.

Ahh my eldest was the same 13-15 were interesting 🤨 years!!! But he's come out of it now and we still do stuff together, not always but most weekends

I did grieve to for a while in those years it was a bit sad... but they do come back

The youngest is 7 and I'm just loving every minute of it as he's my last

Let him be him. Be there when he needs you. Don't try to have the relationship you had when he was younger. Don't be on his case 24/7. Try hi how are you? How was your day?and then leave it.
You did a good job and making hism confident enough to be like many many other teenagers. It won't last forever!!!

Girls are very different - a whole other kettle of fish!

Do girls not need food, exercise and friends?

My advice would be;

• Give him space
• Agree with pp who said you have to talk when they let you know they're ready to talk. It can't be re-scheduled.
• Don't be too ready to jump in with solutions. Listen. Listen some more.
• Let him be in charge of his own life (so long as it's not downright dangerous or illegal!) Accept you won't always know what's best.

Mine are 16 and 13. Not sure if I dare say it out loud but the eldest seems to be coming out the other side now.

Oh OP I really feel for you! My DS1 is 15, I'd heard all the stuff about stroppy teens but mine was such a sweet lovely boy that I found it hard to believe he'd be the same until it happened! The grunting and monosyllabic answers and shutting himself away in his room and getting cross over nothing and not wanting to hug me is all very familiar.

My top tip is Taskmaster. The humour really appeals to him and it's something that DS1, DH and I watch together when my younger DC are in bed. (Warning - it is a bit sweary).

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

They are supposed to do this, they need to disconnect from parents and choose their own path. They'll get it wrong a lot, obviously, but they learn from their mistakes. Being obnoxious pushes parents away so that they have space. It's not just a human thing, apes and dolphins can also be an annoying pain in the neck during adolescence, even my current dog tried to assert his independence during his 'teens'.

They generally turn lovely again as adults, at least my dog did and I'm hoping my DC will as well.

My dog definitely loves me more right now!! Thank-you for your advice @BlackAmericanoNoSugar

@ProfYaffle

My advice would be; * Give him space * Agree with pp who said you have to talk when they let you know they're ready to talk. It can't be re-scheduled. * Don't be too ready to jump in with solutions. Listen. Listen some more. * Let him be in charge of his own life (so long as it's not downright dangerous or illegal!) Accept you won't always know what's best.

Mine are 16 and 13. Not sure if I dare say it out loud but the eldest seems to be coming out the other side now.

Thank-you @ProYaffle I really appreciate your advice x

@KittenCalledBob

Oh OP I really feel for you! My DS1 is 15, I'd heard all the stuff about stroppy teens but mine was such a sweet lovely boy that I found it hard to believe he'd be the same until it happened! The grunting and monosyllabic answers and shutting himself away in his room and getting cross over nothing and not wanting to hug me is all very familiar.

My top tip is Taskmaster. The humour really appeals to him and it's something that DS1, DH and I watch together when my younger DC are in bed. (Warning - it is a bit sweary).

@KittenCalledBob thank-you, great advice x

@IEat

Let him be him. Be there when he needs you. Don't try to have the relationship you had when he was younger. Don't be on his case 24/7. Try hi how are you? How was your day?and then leave it. You did a good job and making hism confident enough to be like many many other teenagers. It won't last forever!!!

@IEat thank-you x

@Tangledtresses

Ahh my eldest was the same 13-15 were interesting 🤨 years!!! But he's come out of it now and we still do stuff together, not always but most weekends

I did grieve to for a while in those years it was a bit sad... but they do come back

The youngest is 7 and I'm just loving every minute of it as he's my last

@Tangledtresses thank-you and yes, it does feel like grieving. I am also now wishing I had another younger child! x

@Balaur

I really needed to read this thread, thank you OP for starting it and all who've contributed. I have an almost 13 year old DS and almost 16 year old DD and am feeling the loss of their childhood selves quite sharply at the moment.

@Balaur it's tough isn't it, I'm struggling but better for reading all this advise here x

@HollowTalk

Just in terms of food - my son won't eat something just because he fancies it (no idea where he came from) and will stop eating the second he is full, but when he was in his teens he ate a big supper every night. He didn't put on weight (in terms of fat) but did grow a few inches each year. Porridge for breakfast was the only thing that stopped him wanting a snack mid-morning.

@HollowTalk porrige is definitely the best, usually cold by the time he has put a shirt and half a sock on x

@corythatwas

Not "losing" them is not always terribly reassuring. My dd at that age was suffering from MH issues and suicidal. She clung to me, she needed me so much, she couldn't let me go. I would have given anything for a little ordinary sassy independence, just to know she was ok.

I can't listen to the ABBA song for opposite reasons to everybody else: I never had that experience of a normally developing little girl cheerfully setting off to school without a backwards glance.

It breaks my heart to think what she lost through all those years and how much she had to catch up with and learn.

@corythatwas I'm so to hear how difficult it was for you, that must have been a horribly worrying time x

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

Och OP, I could have written this. My DS is 15 and it's like I've lost a limb, my wee pal has morphed into this huge child who literally said yesterday 'don't sit down and start watching this film, I'm watching it.' (Rest assured he got a stern word about not owning the couch or the telly, but still...)

My advice is to pick your battles, let him go, but still keep as many rituals as you possibly can. I still get up and make his breakfast and packed lunch, not because he's incapable of doing it but because I put myself out to school every day from the age of 12 and remember it as being really miserable not seeing anyone in the morning. Praise the good stuff, let him overhear you praising the good stuff to other people. Talk about things he cares about (YouTube videos).

Avoid at all costs the McDonald's advert, Slipping Through My Fingers by ABBA and cute tweens.

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett great advice! and yes, I'm getting those kind of responses. I have been yawning at YouTube videos before now, now I'll take interest! x

@Bluetrews25

The quickest way to make him fed up / pissed off / run away is to chase after him. Let him go, and he will return willingly when he is ready. Actually, this has brought to mind Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars where they talk about men being on elastic, and you are holding the other end. Chase after them and they run further away, let them go alone, they reach the end of the elastic and bounce back. I very much remember my DMum trying to muscle in on time with my best buddy, she kept following us from room to room. She was very hurt. I was very fed up. And it (clearly) stayed with me, so I never did anything similar with my DCs as teens. Corny, but they need roots and wings. Stand back so they can fly.

@Bluetrews25 thank-you, I definitely need to back off a little! x