Help, I lost my' besty' / child

[Teddy06]

Hello,

I thought teens would be exciting and obviously all those chats we had about talking always and always being close would be true..haha!

We are at the start of puberty and I am really struggling (as I know he is)...the constant arguments, not being able to say or do anything without being told to 'Just stop' 'Shut up' etc etc.

I knew this would happen, other people joke about stroppy teenagers/ not speaking / time in room,. I just don't think I was prepared for it. We have been together almost every day for 14 years and it feels like that within the space of two weeks that little boy has completely gone and in his place a young boy has appeared that gets annoyed by almost every single thing I say or do.

I know that I have to let him find his way and be there no matter what, but bloody hell it really hurts and I have cried almost every day (in private....I'm crying now). I hope this doesn't sound massively needy and clingy, I'm not. I am just used to this very close / funny / giggly relationship and it's practically gone overnight and I'm grieving.

I haven't posted on Mumsnet before so forgive me if you reply and I don't find it straightaway, I just wanted to get support from other mums that have been through this or are going through it. I know he'll come back, but I'm so sad to have lost that other relationship and just need to suck it up and get through it somehow.

Thanks x

at whoever said to watch the McDonald's commercial- made me cry and ds is nearly 25.
Op- I felt similar to you when ds hit grumpy years and although it will never be the same, they do get through it after a few years. Ds and I have a great relationship, of course different to the preteen closeness but that's how it should be. He does have lovely memories of the things we did together and we occasionally reminisce.

@Bubbletrouble43

My dd1 was my mini me, my shadow, my angel child. I was so blessed. Etc. Then she got to about 12,13. Omg. The heartbreak. I thought she would just hate me forever. I spent many evenings crying about our " lost" relationship. But things improved and by the time she was at college at 16 things were back to what they were, albeit her being more independent and now she's 22 and one of my best friends again. It really is a phase, trust me. A hellish one though!

@Bubbletrouble43 thank-you, it's good to know that things get better! This thread has helped a lot x

@MoiraRoseismyStyleIcon

Oh for heaven's sake - it was obvious OP didn't literally mean they were best friends. Cut her some slack!

Aww it is upsetting isn't it. But good you aren't showing him that

Why is it good? Why should a young man think it's ok to be rude and inconsiderate to his mum?

@MoiraRosieismyStyleIcon thank-you, I def didn't mean that! I have made sure that I haven't cried because of the 'loss' in front of him as it's a natural part of him growing up....but he got both barrels when he told me to 'shut up' the other day!

I am at this point aswell - 14 year old DS who rarely leaves his room and I appear to irritate him by my very existence 90% of the time

Like a pp said, I regularly do thoughtful things for him, tell him I love him at least once a day and kiss the top of his head every night! I ask him every day about school - get nothing in response but at least I show an interest. I pull him up on any rudeness (which to be fair is rare) I hope it makes him feel secure and will come out the other side a pleasant young man.

Re the McDonalds advert - I mentioned it to him the other day and he said they had had to analyse it in English. I would love to know what a class of year 10s thought about it - probably all internally rolling their eyes

my daughter went like this at 13 now 17 and coming out of it. I felt broken that I was no longer needed but I then realised I was needed but in a changing way. Be there for him be consistent take an interest in his interests but not too keen. Don't take emotional outbursts to heart as will be hormone led. Also embrace with his growing independence your own independence.

@JiltedJohnsJulie

Sometimes we show Kevin & Perry to DD...

I showed my ds when he was doing a Kevin too.

He laughed his head off and I giggled along with him and said I hoped he'd forgive me laughing at him when he gives me a live performance.

That's what got us through. Just laughing. I use to make jokes to ds like "am I breathing at a rate that meets your approval" or eye rolling back etc.

You have my sympathy OP, mine was just the same. Its heartbreaking isn't it? Part of me thinks its part of the loosening the apron string process, make themselves so unloveable you can't wait to kick them out!

They do come out the other side, though so try to be patient and follow the great advice on this thread.

That McDonalds advert though!

My DD is 13 she started puberty at 11. My little girl has well and truly gone and her place is a moody, spotty, argumentative and amazingly kind and articulate young lady.

I grieved and cried for my little girl but now I see past that and I'm excited and looking forward to our new relationship that is developing each day. I'm lucky that she still confides in me and I cringe inside but suck it up when she talks about her boyfriends and girlfriends (she hasn't decided if she is bi-sexual yet.

You will get through this and I promise the new relationship will be just as fulfilling as it was with your little boy. She still needs me especially when she is ill and goes back to being my baby.

She is now taller than me but we still lay on the sofa having snuggles and I now appreciate my youngest DD more as I know I need to make the most out of her younger years.

Big hugs to you (sorry for the big post)

Oh and I sent her the McDonald's advert and it made her cry. She has actually tried to respond to me more positively when I try and play with her the advert has made her realise she is still my little girl no matter what.

Thank you McDonald's.

Please let me defend the use of ‘besties’ when describing your children. I have many friends and so do my children, but they are and will be the best friends I ever have.

I laugh at all their jokes (because inevitably you share a similar sense of humour). They see you looking less then Instagram ready and still will be your friend. You regularly share takeaways on a Saturday night in your pjs watching shit tv. You gossip about other kids, their mums and dads and the teachers at school. If you’ve had an awful day you can hug and kiss and find something that will cheer both of you up. You complain about partner/dad, older, younger sibling, grandparents, aunties and uncles - but it’s an unwritten rule to never talk about them to others. They know you’ll help them with anything, friends, homework, teachers, personal issues etc. And when you argue, and they’re angry because you cut their curfew, removed their phone, told them NO. Tomorrow will be a new day and you’ll be friends again.

(The use of friends does not negate any parenting. I’m a parent before a friend and it’s a relationship that has so many layers that defining it by one word does not give it justice.)

Hercules people (me included ) said DONT watch it

Mine are 18, 15 and 13.

the early teens were worse than the later ones, so in a way it hits you harder as it comes first!

Mine go in and out of teen stuff. Good days and weeks and then horrible days and weeks. They have continued to talk all through, but on and off.

Learn to Let It Go as Elsa would say, learn to tell him you love him anyway, even when he is foul, learn to say Have great day as he slams the front door on his way out.

Pick you battles indeed, don't be afraid to say actually that isn't OK but also sometimes just back off.

At times he is just overwhelmed with hormones and emotions and he doesn't know how to deal with them himself.

ds is 18 now, and we have had some great conversations in the last few months. Different relationship. Dd1, now 15, has really struggled for last 2 years, but now often snuggles on the sofa. dd2, now 13 is currently awful, but still sometimes comes for a good night kiss.
Learn to

My nephew was a knob to his mum for a couple of years as a teen but once he got to 17 he was the wonderful boy he's always been and they're super close. He will come back to you, It'll be ok

This is making me cry- my eldest 2 are in this stage and the younger 2 aren't far off it 😢😢😢

Are you all talking about the McD advert where we can see the "inner child" inside the surly lad's stomach? Then his mum buys him a burger and his inner child is released again?

I thought it was the one with his mum’s car.

I've not read the whole thread so don't know if someone else has recommended it, but I recommend reading 'get out of my life...... but first take me and Alex in to town' www.hive.co.uk/Product/Suzanne-Franks/Get-Out-of-My-Life--The-bestselling-guide-to-the-twenty-f/11575848?gclid=CjwKCAiA2O39BRBjEiwApB2IkuBaxrtmae22rWyTLCVx-TXQHxvkCVNsyFq0LXbIHYcvdEH0SVW-rhoCFGgQAvD_BwE

Also a good thing to do is to watch a programme they like with them so you have that time together but don’t have to necessarily talk.

My daughter is now year 12 and generally coming out the other side - we are back to laughing again and having fun together. Definitely think early years are worse as they break the mother/ child bond and re build it in a different way! Just be calm, kind present but not intrusive, have firm boundaries that are agreed by him when he’s calm, but don’t sweat the little stuff and he will absolutely come back to you!! Good luck!! X

I feel exactly the same. My daughter is 13. I thought perhaps boys were easier. I’m glad to see it’s the same. It’s literally broken my heart. So painful. Xxx

4 years away! Seems very far away.

5 years seems a long time ☹️ It was very bad during Covid. Bit better now. Any tips

Aw OP, sympathies. I've stumbled across this on active threads and it's actually a lovely insightful one, you've had some great advice. I can empathise so much. I also remember being a horrible person between 13/17 but my parents handled it well and we came out the other side with such a lovely close relationship. It's true you need to give them space to thrive / fuck it up and be there to support them regardless.

I can't imagine my little shadow 4 year old hitting those years, but I know it will come. I remember complaining about how clingy she is to and a friend and her replying that it will pass and she misses the days when she was the centre of her DDs world. I'll try and remember that next time DD wakes me up just for a cuddle x

It’s so hard just going through it now with my youngest. I think I’ve been grieving for those years the little years and with the year we have had it’s added a bit more sadness.
I think when you come to terms with that phase ending you can deal with the change better. I have learnt to step back and treat her more maturely like her older sister.
Also read a really sage bit of advice about really noticing them when they come to you put everything aside and give them your attention often they are needing to be reassured or talk about a bad day I’ve learnt to wait and make inane small talk and then bam out it comes and you can give a hug and a bit of advice.
You are still very much needed but they are building an idea of a future on their own with their mates etc and its hard when we try and remind them to be little again.
Sometimes I have to smack down genuinely rude attitudes when the irritation crosses over to rude.
It’s hard work but rewarding and your lad will come for hugs and chats when things get hard.
Also agree with the smiling and saying I love you have a good day even when you get the “face”

That McDonald’s advert is very good; made me weep when I first saw it. My DS has been so difficult; he is angry and irritable snd very rude to me sometimes. We used to be very close; he told me everything. That is absolutely not the case now. He lies rather than tell me anything I wouldn’t like to hear about. I can see the signs that it will come back, but it is hard. Letting go of these boys is difficult isn’t it?