Help, I lost my' besty' / child

[Teddy06]

Hello,

I thought teens would be exciting and obviously all those chats we had about talking always and always being close would be true..haha!

We are at the start of puberty and I am really struggling (as I know he is)...the constant arguments, not being able to say or do anything without being told to 'Just stop' 'Shut up' etc etc.

I knew this would happen, other people joke about stroppy teenagers/ not speaking / time in room,. I just don't think I was prepared for it. We have been together almost every day for 14 years and it feels like that within the space of two weeks that little boy has completely gone and in his place a young boy has appeared that gets annoyed by almost every single thing I say or do.

I know that I have to let him find his way and be there no matter what, but bloody hell it really hurts and I have cried almost every day (in private....I'm crying now). I hope this doesn't sound massively needy and clingy, I'm not. I am just used to this very close / funny / giggly relationship and it's practically gone overnight and I'm grieving.

I haven't posted on Mumsnet before so forgive me if you reply and I don't find it straightaway, I just wanted to get support from other mums that have been through this or are going through it. I know he'll come back, but I'm so sad to have lost that other relationship and just need to suck it up and get through it somehow.

Thanks x

I have no kids but a few friends have gone through the teen stage with sons the last couple of years. It seems the closer the relationship before puberty the more fraught during it.
Maybe a part of seeking independence?
Anyway they are all out the other side now, and things aren't back as they were but relationships are more easy and friendly every day.
So hang in there.

I will reply to everyone later, I am reading them all though and really really helpful. I have never used Mumsnet before but it's coming into it's own for me today. Such helpful advice and thanks for those also reaching out feeling the same, its a pretty crappy time xx

Keep a secret supply of his favourite biscuits.. Ds 16 is a grumpy buggar until I suggest a cuppa and a biscuit.. Even a few mins give a chance to reconnect ime..
*I am onto teens 7,8 and 9...

Also if you make too much fuss you will push him further away.
DDs BFs mum is a bit clingy with him (they are 15) and over reacts to every situation. It means he would rather be here than at home.When she constantly texts him he ends up getting annoyed and tends not to answer her calls.
DD knows we love her, even if she’s a pain - in fact if she strops off we always shout “ love you too “ after her but she is also given space to grow up.
Teenagers don’t need their mum to be their bestie, they will have loads of those but only 1 mum

My dd1 was my mini me, my shadow, my angel child. I was so blessed. Etc. Then she got to about 12,13. Omg. The heartbreak. I thought she would just hate me forever. I spent many evenings crying about our " lost" relationship. But things improved and by the time she was at college at 16 things were back to what they were, albeit her being more independent and now she's 22 and one of my best friends again. It really is a phase, trust me. A hellish one though!

Oh for heaven's sake - it was obvious OP didn't literally mean they were best friends. Cut her some slack!

Aww it is upsetting isn't it. But good you aren't showing him that

Why is it good? Why should a young man think it's ok to be rude and inconsiderate to his mum?

Yep so true! It’s so hard. It’s like a death (I know that sounds dramatic) but it is. The McDonald’s advert sums it up. I’ve felt a
Lot better since reading numerous books on teen development. I also practice what I call “loving from afar”. I’ve started making his bed extra cosy. His dinners extra nice. Letting him overhear me praising and speaking kindly of him to others.. it’s helping make things easier

The rejection is utterly heartbreaking isn’t it? Mine are in their 20s now and I have a great relationship with all of them.

I found they all had moments when they wanted to talk, but you don’t get to choose when. For mine it was often just as I was heading to bed. When they show that they want to talk it’s no good telling them to come back later because you’re doing something else - the moment will have passed. So just go with the flow, and when they want to talk to you seize the moment and be available to them.

I'm dreading this stage!!

My DS and I are so close at the moment, he tells me he loves me every day and I get loads of cuddles.
I can't bear to think about when I irritate the hell out of him every time I open my mouth but I'm sure it will come.

No advice I'm afraid but lots of sympathy.

They come back eventually.

Blame my brain (Nicola mprgan) is a great book for you to read.. but its also written for teenagers to read too.

This might be worth a read

@Strawberry33

Yep so true! It’s so hard. It’s like a death (I know that sounds dramatic) but it is. The McDonald’s advert sums it up. I’ve felt a Lot better since reading numerous books on teen development. I also practice what I call “loving from afar”. I’ve started making his bed extra cosy. His dinners extra nice. Letting him overhear me praising and speaking kindly of him to others.. it’s helping make things easier

This sounds like a great approach.

Hugs! I dread this too.
My advice is to give him a little space, don't tolerate disrespect but be kind and thoughtful in ways - someone else has already suggested making sure that his favourite foods etc are in the house.
I really wouldn't put up with being told to shut up though. Any whiff of that kind of behaviour gets very short shrift here (I'm on my third teenager).

And this might be worth a listen

I also don’t agree about this idea of keeping our feelings to ourselves.. and not letting kids see us upset or angry. It’s not healthy for teens to think their parents never fall apart or struggle with feelings because they will inevitably and need to know it’s normal and watch how their parents handle it. Stiff upper lip notion is outdated. Tell them you miss them, don’t hide a few tears.

Dont worry, if he was ok before he will come out the other side ok. My eldest was lovely until he hit 11. He was then hell ( but a angel when he did rarely go to school). He came out of it at 16 and is lovely again now, if not a more short fused with his siblings

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

Keep a secret supply of his favourite biscuits.. Ds 16 is a grumpy buggar until I suggest a cuppa and a biscuit.. Even a few mins give a chance to reconnect ime.. *I am onto teens 7,8 and 9...

@santaisironingwrappingpaper haha! If I don't have food regularly available at all times he's like a Gremlin....'have we got any snacks?' is the thing I hear most!! Good idea though re having a cuppa break x

My cuddly cling-on boy has turned into a teen that spends all day in his room clutching his phone, Grunting at me and just coming down the stairs for food. I’m hoping he will revert when he is older.

I am dreading this 😫
Its clear the OP didn't literally mean her child was her best friend, she even put it in inverted commas.
I let my 6yo stay up late on Saturday and watch a film with me after her little brother was asleep. I said to her "I love movie night with you, its like we're best buddies" (note - I have plenty of adult friends!) and she visibly swelled with pleasure. Then I thought how some day soon she'll die of embarrassment and scorn if I said that and its quite sad.

I was a pretty easy going teen overall, and even my parents quoted Kevin and Perry at me.

On the plus side it means your son feels really secure and loved, he trusts that lashing out at you won't mean the end of your relationship, but you definitely should keep calling him out when he's rude.

(I'm also sure I read somewhere that the "When Somebody Loved Me" song from Toy Story 2 was really about a parent and child relationship, which made it extra heartbreaking!)

I have two teenage boys. My best bit of advice is when they start talking to you about anything (even FIFA/Call of Duty etc!) is try and stop what you are doing and give them your full attention. Because most of the time it's an introduction into a conversation about something they are worried about or just want to talk about. And they do come back, I promise!

I keep sending my DD12 pictures of us together where she looks happy and is smiling and I take her a drink in the morning to wake up and tell her she's beautiful and that I love her. She stays in her room apart from meal times and going to school. She's so horrible to her siblings and occasionally to me. I've cried so much over the last year. She was such a happy, bubbly, cheeky child, I want that girl back 😥😥😥

@Bubbletrouble43

My dd1 was my mini me, my shadow, my angel child. I was so blessed. Etc. Then she got to about 12,13. Omg. The heartbreak. I thought she would just hate me forever. I spent many evenings crying about our " lost" relationship. But things improved and by the time she was at college at 16 things were back to what they were, albeit her being more independent and now she's 22 and one of my best friends again. It really is a phase, trust me. A hellish one though!

Noooooooooooo I don't want to hear that! I have one of those, currently 10, and the thought that in just a year or two I'll 'lose' her is heartbreaking! Am in complete denial

They are supposed to do this, they need to disconnect from parents and choose their own path. They'll get it wrong a lot, obviously, but they learn from their mistakes. Being obnoxious pushes parents away so that they have space. It's not just a human thing, apes and dolphins can also be an annoying pain in the neck during adolescence, even my current dog tried to assert his independence during his 'teens'.

They generally turn lovely again as adults, at least my dog did and I'm hoping my DC will as well.

I am disgusted to hear about the stroppy adolescent dog! My plan was to get a dog when my kids got older so that I could rely on someone to still love me 😂