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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD has had large sums of money put into her account

999 replies

MummyInTheNecropolis · 04/07/2020 17:50

I noticed she had been spending a lot recently, and when questioned she said it was money she had saved up. I was suspicious so opened her bank statement today and she has received £500 from someone I’ve never heard of, in 6 different payments all made in the same day. She claims this must have been paid to her by mistake and she lied because she knew she shouldn’t be spending it. I don’t believe her, but I can’t think why someone would be paying her this amount?

I am planning to phone the bank but I don’t think they’ll be able to tell me much. I wondered if anyone here might have any ideas? DD is 14.

OP posts:
Ylvamoon · 05/07/2020 14:15

@MummyInTheNecropolis For what it's worth, we had issues with online bullying (I know very different to your situation). We did suspected something was up, but getting my then 14y old DD to open up and tell us took sometime. In the end the approach of..." we know there's something wrong and you want to protect your friends ..." was what made her open up. All along we stressed that it's not her fault, that it's an issue for us adults to sort out, she is not in trouble and most importantly that she has done nothing wrong. Maybe a similar approach will get you closer to the truth. Tell her you don't mind her having the money, but as you don't know where it's come from and you don't know anyone who has this kind of money you are a bit concerned / confused...
It's not easy and you are going downthe right path! It's a slow process, but keep chipping away to get at the bottom of this.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 05/07/2020 14:15

@Thecraplifethrowsatme

Issues can be anything from mental health issues, a disability, bullying etc.

None of which require a swap from the "softly softly " approach. You seem determined to make the DD the villain, and OP some kind of weak,irresponsible mum, when she took action pretty swiftly and is putting things in place to protect her daughter AND get to the bottom of this.

Original poster
MummyInTheNecropolis · 05/07/2020 14:16

When I said we were open with each other, it was in response to people talking about invading her privacy, I just meant that I often go in and out of her room and access her phone. Clearly she has not been open and honest with me which I am very well aware of.

I do not think she is innocent or unable to be involved in something dodgy. I am well aware that she could be involved in any number of things and just be good a hiding it from me. I am doing all I can to get to the bottom of it.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 05/07/2020 14:17

No advice, OP, just a handhold. It can be hell being the mother of teenagers at times.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/07/2020 14:20

I actually think you're handling it really well and don't think you can do more than you're doing.

You can't force her to talk, hopefully the police will turn up and their presence will scare her into telling the truth.

WeAllHaveWings · 05/07/2020 14:20

we are both open with each other

Unfortunately you are learning you are not. Teenagers keep secrets and tell lies to cover their tracks. Completely normal.

She is only 14 and has been scammed and is now terrified of the consequences so still choosing what to reveal. She knew it was wrong, that's why she hid and is still hiding it, she just didn't understand the full enormity. Now she does it is time she came clean.

If it was ds I would not be going berserk, but it would be a very firm conversation with no space for naps or giving time overnight to make up a story, the truth doesn't need time. I would make sure he understood he has been taken advantage of as a child, but he has also done something stupid and illegal accepting this money and it needs to be fixed. I would explain it isn't about getting friends into trouble, they have been taken advantage of too by the wrong type of people, this could get out of hand and children hurt, and the police/parents will be finding out anyway. I would be insisting on full disclosure now so I could support him before the police arrive - he would be grounded with no phone/internet until I get a full story with no holes in it.

I would involve the police, I doubt they will be interested beyond taking a statement but you need to know what to do with the money. Involve the school. I would remove his access to banking until he is older and a bit wiser (25-ish?). Any illegal money he had spent he would need to pay back (either to the bank/police/friend or give to charity), he would not get to profit from this.

I would also contact all the parents of his friends that I know (I know most of them well through football), or I would find them on Facebook, explain the scam, warn them that these scammers are in contact with some of the children and suggest they check their children's bank accounts and pass onto other parents to do the same. Tell them to contact their banks, police and school if they find unexplainable large transactions.

If you don't want to say it is your dd then say you have heard from another parent.

Intelinside57 · 05/07/2020 14:22

Maybe Weallhavewings could select the Op's comments and read them.

2pinkginsplease · 05/07/2020 14:22

Even although you say the police aren’t that’s bothered I would make out that they are and they want to speak to her. Scare tactics.

LadyMuck111 · 05/07/2020 14:25

I don't doubt that you are not close to your DD. Ignore posters saying you can't be close. I'm really close to my parents but even now in my 40's I wouldn't dare tell them about stuff I got up to in my teens.

nextslideplease · 05/07/2020 14:27

OP check her camera roll. I did this with my DD when a boy was sending her inappropriate messages. She had deleted all the messages but had screenshotted some and had forgotten to delete from her camera roll.

So see if there's any inappropriate messages or photos in her camera roll.

Go into phone settings and check subscriptions. There may be some apps that she's subscribed too. Go into her social media direct messages and check them too. If you don't know how to view eg Instagram messages, then someone here can talk you through it.

My DD had multiple instagram accounts which she thought I wouldn't be able to find, but I'm more tech savvy than she thought. I was able to nip this situation in the bud very quickly and very early on before it became more than rude messages (only on his side thank god).

NameChange657 · 05/07/2020 14:28

@WeAllHaveWings you do realise at 18, your ds would have access to his own banking.. being an adult and all? The rest of your suggestions sounded very reasonable. However, unless you could prove a LD or similar, all child accounts turn to adult at 18, and he could open his own up separately anyhow.

gotothecooler · 05/07/2020 14:30

I would remove his access to banking until he is older and a bit wiser (25-ish?).

Erm...

No. Just no. Surely you can't actually think this is either appropriate or possible Confused

Sittingontheveranda · 05/07/2020 14:30

Do you think she is scared the consequences of the other party will be worse than you and the police consequences? Or a case of misplaced loyalty?
I am dreading the teenage years.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 05/07/2020 14:33

I would ignore the poster questioning your relationship with your daughter.
I never lied to my parents. I never did anything I shouldn’t have or anything I didn’t want them to know about. I’m not close to them at all. In fact, I never had any inclination to “not disappoint them” because they just weren’t interested anyway.
My sister is 14 and is a very different character. Multiple secret social media accounts. Stealing alcohol. Lying about boys. When I’ve tried to express my concerns about her, I’m told I don’t know what I’m talking about or that I’m lying and trying to make trouble. It’s because they care for her so much they cannot bring themselves to question her. It’s much easier to demonise me. Similarly, she has more need to lie to them because she wants them to continue to see her in the same light.
She’s lying to you because she’s ashamed and scared. It’s a normal reaction. It’s not reflection on your relationship.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 05/07/2020 14:33

Surely you can't actually think this is either appropriate or possible

Of course not but people are falling over themselves to tell OP just how firm and strict and "properly" dealing with it they would be.

butterpuffed · 05/07/2020 14:36

OP , you said quite casually last night that your DD said she 'knows about deets and squares' and later you spoke about the 'deets scam'.

As you must have seen from following posts , there are plenty of us who have never heard of it and had to google.

So you'd obviously already heard of it? Did you have suspicions then that this was what your DD involved in ?

midnightstar66 · 05/07/2020 14:39

From what I read OP was introduced to the concept on here (as was I) and was able to prove with a little knowledge thanks to this thread?!

Rollergirl11 · 05/07/2020 14:40

OP, do you think it’s possible she’s delaying until tomorrow when home-schooling is back on and she is able to contact a friend(s) to alert them that she’s been busted? Presumably she will have access to a laptop and school email then?

midnightstar66 · 05/07/2020 14:40

*probe not prove

MitziK · 05/07/2020 14:40

@MummyInTheNecropolis

Her dad has no contact. Everything she has said sounds like the deets scam but she insists it isn’t, though it is similar, but then she backtracks and says something different and then claims she is confused and doesn’t really understand it herself. She knows the police have been called. I think she is mostly worried about getting her friends in trouble. I’m pretty sure I know which friend got her involved but she won’t confirm.
Her friends are likely to have been groomed themselves and tasked with getting more girls involved.

Has anybody ever wondered what happens if the scam is foiled? After all, the kid involved now 'owes' money. How does a teenage girl pay back money when she doesn't have any?

That's why the police and DSL need to be involved.

sadie9 · 05/07/2020 14:40

OK so sounds like she has been bullied or coerced by a friend into accepting money into her account.
It's not herself she's protecting, nor a randomer on the internet in that case, but someone she knows. There must be someone else involved in the same thing.
Have you contacted her friends' parents?

Evelefteden · 05/07/2020 14:43

@MummyInTheNecropolis

When I said we were open with each other, it was in response to people talking about invading her privacy, I just meant that I often go in and out of her room and access her phone. Clearly she has not been open and honest with me which I am very well aware of.

I do not think she is innocent or unable to be involved in something dodgy. I am well aware that she could be involved in any number of things and just be good a hiding it from me. I am doing all I can to get to the bottom of it.

OP I think your doing all you can do tbh.

There is no point in cornering her in a corner and trying to extract the truth with pliers.

I’d wait to see what the bank say and then aim to have the account closed down. Depending on what the bank say contact the police again. Also depending on what the bank say I’d try contacting her closest friends parents to see if they know anything. This is how my dd1 hall and her friends got caught out,

I had something similar with dd1 although it wasn’t money in bank ect.. She was able to look me in the face and bare face lie with out blinking. I called her bluff and said the police were on the way round and she needed to tell me the truth so I could support her and she confessed. But it could have easily gone the other way. The police were not on the way round.

Dd1 was expert at playing the long game with stuff and she still is at 25 very able to keep a cool exterior under times of great stress.

LoeliaPonsonby · 05/07/2020 14:47

Check your router for which devices are connecting to it. If she has a second phone, she may have used the WiFi password to connect to it.

Monkey2001 · 05/07/2020 14:48

@MummyInTheNecropolis I think you are doing a great job too. If she is already scared, you need to hold her hand and give her a chance to tell you what has happened, knowing you are on her side and just want to fix it. You have contacted the bank and the police, will be contacting school tomorrow and are keeping communication channels open. It has only been an issue for 1 day so far, so why rush in heavy handed and risk losing trust.
It sounds to me that you are handling an awful situation very well.

tenredthings · 05/07/2020 14:50

Just wanted to say thanks for sharing Op. I have teenagers. They are exposed to so much now that we haven't got a clue about, this is subject Ive never encountered.

I think you've handled this really well and it just goes to show how close an eye we have to keep on their online activity. This is so hard at an age when they are looking for indépendance. We need to nurture our teens' sense of being able to make good choices for themselves without overly invading their sense of privacy, It's a total minefield.

I hope this situation resolves itself. You finding out and acting on this means your daughter will feel secure and protected even if she's stressed about friend consequences.