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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD has had large sums of money put into her account

999 replies

MummyInTheNecropolis · 04/07/2020 17:50

I noticed she had been spending a lot recently, and when questioned she said it was money she had saved up. I was suspicious so opened her bank statement today and she has received £500 from someone I’ve never heard of, in 6 different payments all made in the same day. She claims this must have been paid to her by mistake and she lied because she knew she shouldn’t be spending it. I don’t believe her, but I can’t think why someone would be paying her this amount?

I am planning to phone the bank but I don’t think they’ll be able to tell me much. I wondered if anyone here might have any ideas? DD is 14.

OP posts:
BobbieDraper · 05/07/2020 13:50

How did the conversation go?

Did you say "is it deets and squares" and explain what that is. Or did you let her suggest it first?

I would be sitting her down with a pen and paper and go through it step by step.

She doesnt need to use names; just Person A and Person B etc.

You ask abou step 1. What was the first thing which happened to start it all off. Someone contacting her online, sending a photo to someone, a friend suggesting something.

And you move step by step. Who did she give her bank details to and what was it in exchange for. Write down the 6 payments; and ask what each was for.

If she brought up deets and squares then maybe thats what it is; but since she didnt send the money onwards or withdraw it (she spent it) then it does not sound like deets and squares. She has been given money for something.

Are you pointing out all the inconsistencies? Have you started phoning around her friends parents? That's the next step if she wont speak.

monkeyonthetable · 05/07/2020 13:51

OP you are handling this incredibly well.

In my own experience, both my DC had a run in with dodgy people online at one point and although we are incredibly close and they confide in me (usually) when they have problems, DS2 lied outright, lied so sweetly and earnestly to my face several times. In the end I sleuthed and came at him with proof. I'd be tempted to lie OP and say, 'the police and I have dug deeper and we know the truth now. But I'd like to hear your exact version of it, please, from your point of view. But if you start lying again, I will know. I have the details now.' Then see if she opens up more.

They are so challenging sometimes. You are handling this so well.

bringbacksideburns · 05/07/2020 13:54

You say she is grounded but before you said she rarely goes out. You also say you have an idea who may have helped her access the money so I would be ringing their parents ( if a child) and also speaking to Children's services for advice.

You also say you have had issues before with her and the Safeguarding officer at school is aware. Could this be connected to previous issues. What are her friends like?

I think you need to insist she tells you now as this is ridiculous. She's a child. No , you can't force her to tell you but you can gather all her stuff, put it in a bin bag and tell her she gets it back once she tells you the whole story and get a friend to pick it up.

You do sound very calm OP but maybe a bit too calm as she doesn't seem in a rush to speak to you or bothered?

Can the Bank not investigate further?

Prettybluepigeons · 05/07/2020 13:55

Google the phone number for the local massh. Phone them today.

Alsohuman · 05/07/2020 13:56

You’re handling this brilliantly and I honestly can’t see what more you could do. For the hard of reading, OP’s

Searched her phone
Searched her room
Grounded her
Removed her phone
Notified the police
Notified the bank
Isn’t allowing her out of her sight
Will notify school safeguarding tomorrow

What else does anyone think she should do, bearing in mind it’s Sunday?

It’s so easy to criticise someone else, isn’t it?

ChickenDrumstick · 05/07/2020 13:59

Well done @MummyInTheNecropolis, you’re doing everything right. I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it all soon and the police are supportive. X

Original poster
MummyInTheNecropolis · 05/07/2020 14:01

I assure you I am not calm or laid back about any of this. I am terrified and upset but dealing with it as best I can. DD is not calm or unbothered either. We’ve had lots of tears and big meltdowns, but I didn’t feel the need to post about all of that. This isn’t about how I’m feeling right now, it’s about finding the best way to protect my DD.

OP posts:
Lightuptheroom · 05/07/2020 14:01

Second the pp who sad contact the MASH team (again, number will be on your county council website) as they can coordinate a response, which will be essential if others are involved

TerrapinStation · 05/07/2020 14:02

@Whattheduck

I haven’t read the whole thread but is the money from an individual or a company ? You could try searching the name and see if anything comes up (you may have already done that so just a suggestion)
This thread should be used as an example for all about the see op's posts function.

So many posts today from posters who haven't even taken the time to do basic reading. Even if you are on a device where it hasn't clicked in yet you can still scroll down for the highlighted posts.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 05/07/2020 14:04

Offer her the opportunity to write you a letter. That way she can think clearly about what she is saying and she doesn’t have to worry about your immediate reaction to it.
Promise you’ll read it in your room, wait until you’ve absorbed all the information and are calm before you speak to her about it.
Make it clear that this is her opportunity to be honest with you and the only way you can support her through this once the police are involved is if you know everything.
X

JudgeRindersMinder · 05/07/2020 14:05

I have the feeling the “friends” she’s worried about upsetting might be whoever is involved in paying her this money, rather than her pals from school.
Sounds like OP is doing a good job, despite her own perfectly understandable fears. Just keep talking with her and reassuring her that she can tell you anything

TheVeryHungryTortoise · 05/07/2020 14:06

I think you're doing great OP! This is about keeping your daughter safe, and you need to keep the doors of communication open in order to do that. Can't believe how useless the police sounded, I really hope they make it over for today.

Laburnam · 05/07/2020 14:06

Think you’re handling it really well. It sounds like she is frightened and hopefully she will share more with you soon

isthismylifenow · 05/07/2020 14:06

I have a teen and we are also very close with an open relationship.

However, she was 14 she groomed by an older man and she didn't tell me about it until it had been going on for quite a while.

When I asked her why she never said anything (I knew something was wrong from her behaviour but I didn't know what is was so I would say things like I'm here if you want to talk, if there's something bothering you can I arrange you to chat to someone etc etc) she said that she didn't know how to bring it up, how to get the conversation going as by that point she was in quite deep.

You say you are close OP but maybe she wants to tell you but doesn't know how to.

When she opened up it was just a small amount of info. Then nothing. I had to do as a previous poster said and went with steps. This is how she eventually told me everything.

To be honest I understand why she felt like that as there were so many layers to the situation that just me hearing it, was so overwhelming.

And it's an awkward age. They think they're adults but emotionally they are not.

Good luck OP. I think you are handling this well.

Leostar · 05/07/2020 14:07

OP.

You are doing a marvellous job in dealing with this. You should be proud of yourself and I hope I have your level head when my babies get to the teen years.

AlexaShutUp · 05/07/2020 14:07

I think she is mostly worried about getting her friends in trouble.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I guess you just have to help her to understand that it's all going to come out in the end anyway, so she might as well get on and tell you the truth.

I don't agree with those who are saying that you need to come down more harshly now. I think you just need to keep talking to her. She needs to feel safe to tell you whatever it is that's going on. She needs to know that you won't be shocked or angry, or disappointed in her or whatever. She is a child and a victim, but she is probably blaming herself for getting involved. She needs to know that her mum is on her side and that there won't be any judgement.

Lightuptheroom · 05/07/2020 14:07

And for what it's worth OP, my ds was 15, quiet, unassuming, nerdy, until one day I walked in on his chatting to someone he'd met on a hobby forum, a gentleman who claimed to have transitioned into a lady, was listening to all his 'growing up' type woes and then had apparently suggested (all under the guise of the hobby) that my ds meet them and a friend at a very remote location on a very quiet Sunday afternoon, which my ds was planning to do! So it can happen to anybody.

Porseb · 05/07/2020 14:08

OP - I think you've done the best you can for now.

So many judgey posters who think they can parent a teen better.

She sounds like she's scared but too afraid to tell you.

All you can do now is wait for the police call back.

Hugs to you.

Thecraplifethrowsatme · 05/07/2020 14:09

@MummyInTheNecropolis

Well you are clearly not open with each other or this situation would not have occurred. She has lied to you, how is that open?

You stated that you've had issues with her in the past yet still thought the softly, softly approach was best. I'm pretty staggered that she is still refusing to explain the full story, even though police are involved.

Best option would have been taking her to the police station. They would then have to deal with it there and then. You seem to have very little authority. I find it hard to believe that she has no other internet access at 14 via either a laptop or tablet.

I assume she goes to school and you are in contact with them. I would tell her that you are going into school on Monday to tell them she will be unable to submit any school work online because she is no longer allowed access to the internet and the reasons why.

Intelinside57 · 05/07/2020 14:09

You're handling this brilliantly Op, what a worrying time! Personally I don't think you need to do anything more at this stage. The police will be in touch. You're going to tell the school tomorrow. They will take it from there. You don't need to grill her any more (to satisfy some MN posters who want all the gory details).

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 05/07/2020 14:09

OP is supposed to be calm, she's a parent ffs not the bad cop in some B rated action movie.
She's contacted the police and the bank. She'll contact the school tomorrow.
She went through her daughter things and room, took away her phone and grounded her.
She's keeping the lines of communication open with her daughter, who is behaving pretty normal for a teen that seriously fucked up. Going ballistic at her or interrogating her again and again and again will not help.

The drama vampires seem rather disappointed OP is not going batshit crazy in real life and on here. Not dramatic enough for you?

Remember there's a real person behind this screen, with a real 14 yo child that will deal with this for weeks to come, long after you've forgot all about it and moved onto to next thing.

Good luck OP, I hope you get to the bottom of this soon and both you and your daughter get the support you need.

Whattheduck · 05/07/2020 14:12

@TerrapinStation
Where does the op say who the money was from it doesn’t just says it was paid into her bank account in different transactions and I’ve read all of the op’s posts just not everyone else’s

Aneley · 05/07/2020 14:14

I think you are dealing with this really well, OP. It is definitely an eye-opening thread and I am not sure anyone could have dealt with it better.

Do you think she would open up if you told her your next step will be informing parents of her friends about this so that they could check their kids accounts? If she's so worried about her friends, she may decide to tell you to prevent you from going to their parents. Of course, if she is involved with something that includes her friends, you'd have to inform the parents so you'd need to be very careful not to promise you won't if she tells you the truth, but that's the only thing that comes to mind that you may not have already tried.

AlexaShutUp · 05/07/2020 14:15

Offer her the opportunity to write you a letter. That way she can think clearly about what she is saying and she doesn’t have to worry about your immediate reaction to it.

This is a good suggestion.

ChickenDrumstick · 05/07/2020 14:15

I also think those who are saying you don’t have a good/open relationship with your DD are being totally unreasonable. I have the most amazing relationship with my mum, always have done, but I kept some of the naughtier things to myself of course I did! That’s what teenagers do. Plus if she has been convinced into doing this then she will be frightened.

It doesn’t reflect on your relationship at all.