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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD has had large sums of money put into her account

999 replies

MummyInTheNecropolis · 04/07/2020 17:50

I noticed she had been spending a lot recently, and when questioned she said it was money she had saved up. I was suspicious so opened her bank statement today and she has received £500 from someone I’ve never heard of, in 6 different payments all made in the same day. She claims this must have been paid to her by mistake and she lied because she knew she shouldn’t be spending it. I don’t believe her, but I can’t think why someone would be paying her this amount?

I am planning to phone the bank but I don’t think they’ll be able to tell me much. I wondered if anyone here might have any ideas? DD is 14.

OP posts:
Qwicky · 05/07/2020 13:28

Stop trying to be her friend. The time for the softly softly approach has passed.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/07/2020 13:29

People will say that's an invasion of her privacy, losing her trust, but that is what it is.

Agreed.

I'm very much in favour of allowing teens to have privacy - but when you have genuine reason to believe that your child is at risk, then you have a responsibility to intervene, and privacy be buggered!

Original poster
MummyInTheNecropolis · 05/07/2020 13:30

Her dad has no contact. Everything she has said sounds like the deets scam but she insists it isn’t, though it is similar, but then she backtracks and says something different and then claims she is confused and doesn’t really understand it herself. She knows the police have been called. I think she is mostly worried about getting her friends in trouble. I’m pretty sure I know which friend got her involved but she won’t confirm.

OP posts:
WitchQueenofDarkness · 05/07/2020 13:30

I feel my husband is the leader and head of the family because hes a good husband and dad.
I'm old school. Oh well couldn't care less.
And yes we are from the 1972 programme wait till your grandfather and father and great uncle get here with their biggest belts episode 198 !

I guess you inherited your attitudes from your parents' marriage? I sincerely hope your own children see the pattern and are able to break free of it

IcedBlueNails · 05/07/2020 13:31

Thank you for this thread. I have now spoken to my teens about deets and squares.

notacooldad · 05/07/2020 13:32

We live in a small flat, our bedrooms have an adjoining door, there aren’t many places to hide things
Did you look in jacket pockets.
That's where one mum we supported at work found a second phone, also in handbags. Another child kept hers in a locker at school.

Original poster
MummyInTheNecropolis · 05/07/2020 13:33

I’m not trying to be her friend. I have made it clear how serious this is and how much trouble she is in, and I have issued consequences. I’m not worried about invasion of privacy, we are both open with each other, go in and out of each other’s rooms freely, I have my fingerprint on her phone which I can look at anytime. She has never had a problem with any of this. This if you who think I’m being too soft, what exactly do you think I should be doing?

OP posts:
DotForShort · 05/07/2020 13:33

DH is the head of the family Yuck. 🤢

OP, I hope you have had a productive conversation with the police. And a series of conversations with your DD. The whole situation sounds extremely worrying.

Lsquiggles · 05/07/2020 13:33

But what has she said? Hmm

Lightuptheroom · 05/07/2020 13:34

It may be worth contacting the children's services duty line for your area (number should be on your county council website) as they have people experienced with CSE (child sexual exploitation) and can also ask the police to take more of an interest than they appear to be doing. I also work within safeguarding and education and think you need more support from the relevant authorities and those who have professional experience on how to have these conversations and what else you should be looking for. Do be aware that she may have another phone/device that you don't know about, multiple social media accounts etc.
We recently dealt with a youngster the same sort of age and her parents couldn't believe that their DC had over 25 'fake' snap chat accounts

Justaboy · 05/07/2020 13:35

Ummm, cos Banks are not responsible for "parents and guardians" maybe...?
Parents and Guardians are adults. You know. Those that take care of their kids.

A bank is a business.

The banks are ideally suited to nip this in the bud as soon as it starts happening, its not rocket science to see where these payments orignate from and it should soon show up suspicous sorcces then the bank can infom the parent of a 14 or younger year old child that they are bveing c scammed or victimised and the police can check out who's paying.

The banks ought to adopt some moral responsibility!

An alien concept to them of course!

CloudyGladys · 05/07/2020 13:36

What else do you think I should be doing?

You contact the school safeguarding officer tomorrow morning at 8am.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/07/2020 13:38

I have a 14 year old too OP and I'm very big on trust as I wasn't really given any at that age, but come on now. She knows why that money is in her account and she needs to tell you. And to be honest, you need to make her tell you. This could go far further than your DD. And if she's spending laundered money on herself, she could be in real physical danger. You need to firm up. I know it's hard, it's not my style either, but it needs to be done.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/07/2020 13:40

As to what you should do, you should phone the school safeguarding officer tomorrow no matter what.

I'd be threatening her with a visit to the police station, she doesn't need to know 101 was laid back on the phone. I'd be taking away all - and I mean all - privileges. No money, media, screens, time with friends. Full grounding.

And - which is what would work with my DS - I'd be talking about this constantly. Because he hates that :)

Original poster
MummyInTheNecropolis · 05/07/2020 13:40

I have already said I will be speaking to the school safeguarding officer.

How exactly do you want me to ‘firm up?’ What more can I do that I haven’t already? Use Guantanamo style torture techniques? I can’t force her to speak.

OP posts:
gotothecooler · 05/07/2020 13:41

I’m not worried about invasion of privacy, we are both open with each other,

OP; you seem to be having some trouble understanding. You are not open with each other at all. She is blatantly lying to you.

Rollergirl11 · 05/07/2020 13:41

Did you offer the Deets and squares to your DD as an explanation or did she tell you independently? I’m worried that she’s admitting to this as she sees this as not as bad as the real reason, which could be sugar daddy, money for nudes, etc? Her being sketchy with the details could back that up because she doesn’t actually know?

Original poster
MummyInTheNecropolis · 05/07/2020 13:42

She is grounded. All privileges have been removed. I will call school first thing.

OP posts:
PhilCornwall1 · 05/07/2020 13:43

@MummyInTheNecropolis

Her dad has no contact. Everything she has said sounds like the deets scam but she insists it isn’t, though it is similar, but then she backtracks and says something different and then claims she is confused and doesn’t really understand it herself. She knows the police have been called. I think she is mostly worried about getting her friends in trouble. I’m pretty sure I know which friend got her involved but she won’t confirm.
She is not being straight with you at all. I think now, if it was me, I would not be letting her leave the property, she would speak to nobody outside your property and I would take her room to pieces, shifting every item out and looking again. I'd then look elsewhere in the flat.

She wouldn't even be in a different room to me.

Honeyroar · 05/07/2020 13:44

It sounds like the friend is the key, doesn’t it. Do you know the friend’s parents? They’d probably want to know too if it’s likely their child is involved too, surely?

LadyMuck111 · 05/07/2020 13:44

It sounds like you are doing there right thing. You can't do much more other than shake it out of her. She sounds confused and maybe she doesn't understand exactly what she's involved in. I hope the police get back to you and take it seriously.

justasking111 · 05/07/2020 13:46

OP has contacted the police, is contacting the school, looks like guillotine/hangman type voyeurs are still not satisfied.

You have done great @MummyInTheNecropolis

So sorry this has happened to you, there will be mates involved so the ripples will spread and other parents will be in your boat soon

justasking111 · 05/07/2020 13:49

Oh and I would not be contacting other parents so they get their ducks in a row and concoct a story that may harm the @MummyInTheNecropolis daughter. Look after your own in a case like this I would say.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/07/2020 13:49

If you have a number for the friend's parents I'd call it. And I'd tell her I'm doing it. Or an email or whatever.

And yeah, I think you need to stop telling yourself that the two of you have an open and honest relationship. That might help you.

I'm not baying for blood or whatever a pp has accused posters of. I'm genuinely trying to help.

Ethicalbluey45 · 05/07/2020 13:49

I think OP you have had some good advice from people here be prepared to go to the police DD is 14 and cannot explain where she got the money from and what she is doing to get that money, you are her mum not have friend yes you do have a fight on your hands but that's what parents do. I have a few difficult years with my daughter and believe you me I had to toughen up and im glad I did 6 years later she had admitted to me that if I hadn't been as tough as I had been she would have been living a seedy life she`s 23 now and she has a lot of respect for me now.

Good luck OP and don't give up the good thing is you have her age on your side because at 17 the police told me she`s now an adult she can do what she like but I didn't give up