Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

18 year old daughter hates my partner

196 replies

mrsorourke1 · 02/05/2020 08:44

Hi, this is my first post on here and I apologise for its length but I'm in crisis with my daughter and would welcome any advice.
I have been with my partner for the last 7 years and lived with him and my daughter for 6. They have always had a slightly uneasy relationship as he likes a clean house and she is extremely lazy and resents him asking her to do things around the house. But he has done more for her than her own father, going to all parents evenings, university tours, financially supporting her through university, sending her other bits of money just so she can treat herself, listening to her and giving her a cuddle when she's upset about things etc..The only time me and my partner really argue is regarding my daughter and he gets frustrated that I always defend her which I know I shouldn't do if she's in the wrong.
She started university away from home last September and things settled down but due to the lockdown she had to come home. Since being home she has laid in bed all day and hardly done a thing around the house. My partner does have some mental health issues and he has also been struggling with lockdown and had missed some of his tablets. I'm a nurse and had come home from work with suspected corona virus and he had asked her to do a few things around the house as it would help me whilst I was unwell. He had specifically asked her to do the hoovering but after a few hours it still wasn't done. He lost his temper and barged into her bedroom with the hoover and a full scale row erupted, she pushed him as he was invading her space and he called her some vile names, I broke it up. My daughter has left the house and gone back to stay with her dad and is refusing to come back to the house whilst my partner is there. He knows he shouldn't have crossed her boundaries and called her names and is willing to apologise but she won't even come home to discuss things. She thinks that I should kick him out and can't understand why I want to continue a relationship with a man that treats their daughter this way and says that I should chose her over him. I want to stay with my partner but I don't want to lose my daughter either. My own mental and physical health are suffering and I'm at my wits end please help x

OP posts:
Unravelingslowly · 02/05/2020 09:36

Teenagers are lazy. Yes she should have hoovered but it sounds as if he is very particular about the house.

However, my DM had a relationship with a moody, volatile, abusive prick so I’m with your daughter on this one. It was awful living with him constantly walking on eggshells waiting for him to explode when he demanded things be done because, seemingly, asking nicely wasn’t possible.
Barging into her space with the hoover & yelling then calling her names is unforgivable. Let her stay at her dads if you want to stay with your partner. I wish I’d had somewhere else to go.
My DM split with her idiot over 20 years ago and I still hate that I had to spend my teenage years being spoken to like shit.

EstuaryBird · 02/05/2020 10:03

It sounds to me as if he’s treated her well over the years...have they had this kind of fall out before?

I think that his mental health/ lockdown/missed tablets/worry about you having suspected Covid versus her wanting to be at Uni/not having the social life that every 18 year old needs/being a teenager/also being worried about you having suspected Covid.......equals the perfect storm and it’s all blown up over the hoovering.

Your DP was wrong to go into her room uninvited and unannounced but she is also massively over-reacting and has no right to tell you to break up with the man you love to suit herself, especially when she’ll be back off to Uni in a few months.

Concentrate on yourself and getting better, whether it’s Covid or not, and just let her stew for a while. She might find that life isn’t all roses at her Dad’s either.

I speak from the experience of having been a nightmare teenager myself....

Gtugccbjb · 02/05/2020 10:16

I never behaved like this as a teenager BUT my Mum and Dad never tried to drag me out of bed to hoover their house. Pick your battles and life will be calm.

ekidmxcl · 02/05/2020 10:20

I bet the house didn’t need hoovering. Sounds like he is obsessive with cleaning.

She is wrong to suggest you leave him after one argument though, particularly if both of them are struggling with lockdown.

rossKemp · 02/05/2020 10:23

She’s not a ‘teenager’ if she’s at university.

Sounds like she needs a good kick up the bum

Bagelsandbrie · 02/05/2020 10:26

If this is a one off probably caused by lockdown stress I would just wait for it to blow over. Sounds like they both just lost their rag. He does sound very particular about the house which isn’t a good mix with a teenager, but at 18 she’s an adult and should pitch in when asked.

BilboBercow · 02/05/2020 10:27

RossKemp, 18 year olds are teenagers. It's quite literally in the name.

Starlight1243 · 02/05/2020 10:28

So she was 12 when he came to live with you guys prior to that guessing it was just you two in the house. Tbh I dont understand why he needed to go to all the parent evening etc when he came into her life at such a late stage. I think that might alot of the issues is his role has been heavily put on her as another dad role instead of you're dp. It's not as if he helped raised her when she was a young child. My ex had issues with his step father couldn't make a sandwich after 8 as he was making a mess he wasnt he was 20 at the time and I remember his step dad kicking off. He said at the time it never felt like hes own home. It's possible she feels excately like that and rather stay with her df.

neverknewsomany · 02/05/2020 10:30

He shouldn't of barged in her room but she shouldn't be so lazy. She is an adult now and should be used to cleaning up after herself at uni. My kids are 8 and under and clean up after themselves or help me if asked.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 02/05/2020 10:30

To me you sound abused by your partner. Your whole tone is very defensive: she's extremely lazy - his opinion I will bet, he's done more for her than her own father- his opinion I bet. What he has done is a deal breaker. If you won't ask him to leave for the duration to keep your daughter safe she has done the right thing and her boundaries are healthy, it is NOT an overreaction leaving a house where an adult man barges into your room and verbally abuses you. Google emotional abuse and read why does he do that. Open your eyes. You are living with a tyrant and enabling his abuse of your daughter.

Embracelife · 02/05/2020 10:33

Slightly uneasy relationship
Mh issues
Struggling
Missed tablets

That s your DP above

Dont blame your dd
Everything is stressful.
Your DP was out of order
He needs to take his tablets
Cleaning issue from his anxiety
No need to barge in on her.

If she ok with her dad let her go.
Apologizes to her

riotlady · 02/05/2020 10:36

@rossKemp she’s eighteen...

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/05/2020 10:38

I agree with bagels
If this is rare occurrence, caused by lockdown stress I’d just let it go and not over analyse it. I have an 18yo whose been leaving messes all over the house and mostly in her room except for complaining about missing her friends.
Your DP may have been sensitive because you have suspect Covid.

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/05/2020 10:42

“she's extremely lazy - his opinion I will bet, ”

Have you even ever had a 18yo DC? I’ve had 2 go through that age and have a DD is 18yo now and trust me, they are all lazy at that age about housekeeping. They may be hard workers for school, jobs, meeting their friends. But for tasks like hoovering? Lazy.

Original poster
mrsorourke1 · 02/05/2020 10:43

I would just like to clear a few things up!! I'm definitely NOT being abused by my partner, the opinions in my OP are my own. Her father has never contributed to her upkeep and has his own issues. My partner always asks her nicely multiple times to do things around the house which she ignores. He isn't obsessed with the house he just expects that people should clean up after themselves and contribute fairly towards the upkeep of the house, sorry if I didn't make this clear in my OP. We both don't believe that she should lay in bed all day and then expect us to cook her dinner when we get home, we BOTH believe that she should be doing more around the house, he is definitely NOT a tyrant and generally gets treated very well whilst at home with us!! Thank you all for your comments but just wanted to clear that up!!

OP posts:
WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 02/05/2020 10:44

At 18 she should be pulling her weight and understand everyone needs to rally round in general, more so when her mum's ill.

No, he probably shouldn't have barged in her room, but I can see his frustration and I'd be lying if I said I haven't done it myself when I've lost my rag at the sheer laziness at some people in the home.

You have a lot going on, your partner has MH problems and will be struggling, as well as the stress of you having Corona virus and a lazy, entitled DD who flops about in her bed all day. I can honestly see why he got annoyed. And don't think this is the hill he should be shot on after years of being a supportive influence.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/05/2020 10:44

Poor kid. He sounds difficult.

Sounds like things always had to be on his terms.

She’ll probably get more real support at her dad’s. And teenagers need a lot of sleep sometimes - particularly during a global pandemic which will affect their futures. Of course we will al be affected but I feel so sorry for young people right now.

Put her first.

negomi90 · 02/05/2020 10:46

What about her own mental health. You've put this all on her.
She's 18 she's not where she's supposed to be, she's worrying about the future and the virus, worried about you as a nurse on the front line. She's lying in bed doing nothing - a sign she's not happy herself for understandable reasons.
She didn't hoover, it's not the end of the world. He barged into her room shouting, at her age her room is a place of safety by barging in shouting that safe space was violated, she no longer feels emotionally safe and won't come home until the danger is fine. That's a safe sensible boundary for her own mental health.

It doesn't matter if he didn't get physical from your own description it was certainly aggressive and intimidating on his part.
She doesn't feel safe. She won't come home until the danger is past. Maybe if it gets addressed with by you and him and a promise for it never to happen again (you can tell her to hoover and have those arguments, he needs to stay out of it) she may give you another chance.
But I'm with her on this (and have done similar with my mum and step dad).
She has the right to feel safe mentally and physically which she doesn't right now.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/05/2020 10:46

I think this isn’t about this one argument.

This sounds like it has been brewing for years.

You moved in someone she didn’t get on with when she was 12

Why?

If you wanted a relationship with your dd then this relationship should never have lasted.

If someone doesn’t like someone, no amount of parents evenings (I bet that really pissed her off. Someone she couldn’t stand going to inspect what she had done at school) and money is ever going to change that.

You say your dd is lazy. Is her laziness just because she is a normal teenager.
Or has that word been used by him and he has brain washed you onto thinking other teens are running around the house hoovering and cleaning and your dd is the only one not to.

You admit he has a problem with cleaning,
he has MH issues made worse by lockdown and is off his tablets.

I am getting the impression he is ultra controlling with all he has done and seems to expect to get rewarded for all his efforts.

I think your dd is probably better off with her dad.

CherryPavlova · 02/05/2020 10:48

Did she go to university a year early or are you in Scotland? Either way she’s a very young and only on the cusp of adulthood.
It sounds like she’s not actually the problem. Children aren’t necessarily programmed to be house proud- particularly if it’s not their house, as such.

Original poster
mrsorourke1 · 02/05/2020 10:50

@Oliversmumsarmy she did get on with him mostly but sometimes felt resentful when he asked her very nicely to clean up after herself. It was actually her that invited him to parents evenings and he was happy to support her in everything that she asked of him

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsorourke1 · 02/05/2020 10:52

@CherryPavlova no she has gone to university at the correct age, she will be 19 next month

OP posts:
Headbangersandmash · 02/05/2020 10:54

I have a first year uni student at home who is being messy but he's been going out to work so I'm sucking it up.

It's not your DD's fault that he's missed tablets.

It's also not her fault that she has to be at home atm

She shouldn't have to suck up his cleaning obsession just because he's been an active stepfather. He did that because he wanted to/to support you.

It's hard to say who is more at fault because only you know how lazy she is and how fussy he is about cleaning. Have you allowed him to become the bad cop about not helping around the house or have you defended him about the cleaning in order not to antagonise him? It sounds like both could do better and you need to tell her to do more and him to stress less but again, I don't live in your house so it's hard to say

pjmask · 02/05/2020 10:55

However, my DM had a relationship with a moody, volatile, abusive prick so I’m with your daughter on this one

With the greatest respect, what does this have to do with this post? This man is clearly not a moody, volatile, abusive prick from the information in the op.

Responses are completely over the top. Your daughter and your partner both behaved badly. Maybe family counselling after this would help? But don't ask on here, people are incredibly biased against step parents.

terrigrey · 02/05/2020 10:58

I would be asking why your dp doesn't remember to take his tablets?
Why does he think it's reasonable to be pissed off with your dd for not hoovering when he can't be bothered to take his meds properly?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread