18 year old daughter hates my partner

[mrsorourke1]

Hi, this is my first post on here and I apologise for its length but I'm in crisis with my daughter and would welcome any advice.
I have been with my partner for the last 7 years and lived with him and my daughter for 6. They have always had a slightly uneasy relationship as he likes a clean house and she is extremely lazy and resents him asking her to do things around the house. But he has done more for her than her own father, going to all parents evenings, university tours, financially supporting her through university, sending her other bits of money just so she can treat herself, listening to her and giving her a cuddle when she's upset about things etc..The only time me and my partner really argue is regarding my daughter and he gets frustrated that I always defend her which I know I shouldn't do if she's in the wrong.
She started university away from home last September and things settled down but due to the lockdown she had to come home. Since being home she has laid in bed all day and hardly done a thing around the house. My partner does have some mental health issues and he has also been struggling with lockdown and had missed some of his tablets. I'm a nurse and had come home from work with suspected corona virus and he had asked her to do a few things around the house as it would help me whilst I was unwell. He had specifically asked her to do the hoovering but after a few hours it still wasn't done. He lost his temper and barged into her bedroom with the hoover and a full scale row erupted, she pushed him as he was invading her space and he called her some vile names, I broke it up. My daughter has left the house and gone back to stay with her dad and is refusing to come back to the house whilst my partner is there. He knows he shouldn't have crossed her boundaries and called her names and is willing to apologise but she won't even come home to discuss things. She thinks that I should kick him out and can't understand why I want to continue a relationship with a man that treats their daughter this way and says that I should chose her over him. I want to stay with my partner but I don't want to lose my daughter either. My own mental and physical health are suffering and I'm at my wits end please help x

aSofaNearYou

The question might have been answered that her Dd and her Dp got on well when I brought it up. But it doesn’t fit with one of the first things that was said in the opening post.

I have been with my partner for the last 7 years and lived with him and my daughter for 6. They have always had a slightly uneasy relationship

That has never to me sounded like the dd was over the moon in him moving in.

I am not making up my own narrative I am just going on what was put in the op

Sounds like the Coronavirus lockdown made things come to a head. He shouldn't have barged in her room but your daughter shouldn't have been making mess and using the place like a hotel. Sounds like she has little respect for either of you.

I'd let her cool off for a few days.

Will her Dad insist she clean up after herself?

@Oliversmumsarmy she already addressed that “uneasy” phrasing as well earlier in thread because someone else asked. Try reading back and stop trying to find ways to dredge up your own false projections.

Not read all the replies op but I sympathise my dd is 18 and also had to come home from university early. I think it’s a difficult time all round my dd is also staying in bed all day doing nothing only coming out her room to eat. Both me and dh are working full time. We’ve had a similar bust up tonight which has been brewing for a few days fed up of coming home from work to dishes everywhere being greeted by what’s for tea the constant opening the fridge that is overflowing and being moaned out there is nothing in

Let her stew she will come round not condoning your dp barging in to her room or calling her names but if they have got on in the past it sounds like he reached the end of his tether and we are only human and as long as he is prepared to apologise I am sure she will come round

Well if she wants to spend all day in bed being waited on hand and foot let her go to her dad's. I wouldn't tolerate that sort of laziness in any child in my house over the age of 5, so cant imagine I'd tolerate it in an adult.

All I can think of is how at 13-16 I'd have hated my mum's new man come to my parent's eve and start trying to parent me!

What do you think she would say is going on if she was posting? How has having this man with MH MH issues come into her life impacted on her? On her relationship with her mum?

And the idea that sitting around doing sweet fa is somehow "normal " at 18 is frankly bizarre.

Op already said that dd asked dp to parents evenings etc.

We both don't believe that she should lay in bed all day and then expect us to cook her dinner when we get home, we BOTH believe that she should be doing more around the house,

Then it's a good thing she's staying with her father. As neither you nor your partner can persuade her to help out in a way you see fit.

she won't give him the opportunity to apologise, she won't sit down and discuss it with him, he is willing to sit down and apologise wholeheartedly but she won't.

Why does she have to sit down with him? Why can't he apologise by text or on Messenger or Whatsapp? Another rule he's decided upon , to control her - perhaps?

Thing is it doesnt matter. None of it.

They clash and you need to choose now but it sounds as if you've made your choice.

Fwiw there's never been an 'uneasy' relationship with my kids and my husband. That was my line drawn from the off. If he couldn't get on with them then there was no future.

She sounds like a lazy monkey from what you've said. She should be helping around the house. It's such a tricky age...
From what you've said I wouldn't split up w your partner- she will be back at university soon enough. Hope you can sort things out.

If your DP wanted the house vacuumed he should have done it himself. Your DD is not his cleaner. His name calling is unforgivable. I think your DD is right, you need to choose her over him.

I'm with your daughter. He would be out. She will now always feel like you picked a boyfriend over her.

What about her own mental health. You've put this all on her.
She's 18 she's not where she's supposed to be, she's worrying about the future and the virus, worried about you as a nurse on the front line. She's lying in bed doing nothing - a sign she's not happy herself for understandable reasons.
She didn't hoover, it's not the end of the world. He barged into her room shouting, at her age her room is a place of safety by barging in shouting that safe space was violated, she no longer feels emotionally safe and won't come home until the danger is fine. That's a safe sensible boundary for her own mental health.

It doesn't matter if he didn't get physical from your own description it was certainly aggressive and intimidating on his part.
She doesn't feel safe. She won't come home until the danger is past. Maybe if it gets addressed with by you and him and a promise for it never to happen again (you can tell her to hoover and have those arguments, he needs to stay out of it) she may give you another chance.
But I'm with her on this (and have done similar with my mum and step dad).
She has the right to feel safe mentally and physically which she doesn't right now

This with bells on

I'm with your daughter. He would be out.

That's perhaps because you haven't actually been in a relationship with this man for the last seven years. It's hard to imagine anyone would genuinely be so fervently defensive of their (adult) child that they would throw away a happy long term relationship because he argued with them once. Especially given she actually broadly agrees with his point that her not pulling her weight is a problem.

Ilovecats14
I'm with your daughter. He would be out.

Always an interesting response when he part owns the house.

Can't think why he should apologise to a lazy spoilt brat.

@CherryPavlova

“Children’s aren’t programmed to be house proud” 🤣 that’s only the type of bullshit you can get on Mumsnet. That “child” is 18. I’m around her age and all this is laughable. She should be cooking dinner for when her mum gets in from work! Not just lounging around. People my age are so bloody entitled when they go back to their parents (and no I’m not perfect).

Always an interesting response when he part owns the house.

And she lays in bed all day doing sweet fa , yet expects dinner cooked for her by the full time working adults.

Yes, some truly mind-boggling responses here from those that see the word man and instantly get overcome by the MN fog that stops them being able to read or think properly.

Just one thing (among the many) worth noting that people are overlooking: Yes, it was wrong of him to barge into her room. The OP has already said (several times) that he accepts this, is sorry and has offered to apologise unreservedly.

People make mistakes. Particularly in extreme situations like lockdown when tensions are high and they're dealing with really shitty behaviour from others. Lying around all day doing fuck all for your ill mother is a mistake too. So it pushing someone into a wall. The difference is, he has owned his mistake and offered to apologise for it. She needs to do them same.