18 year old daughter hates my partner

[mrsorourke1]

Hi, this is my first post on here and I apologise for its length but I'm in crisis with my daughter and would welcome any advice.
I have been with my partner for the last 7 years and lived with him and my daughter for 6. They have always had a slightly uneasy relationship as he likes a clean house and she is extremely lazy and resents him asking her to do things around the house. But he has done more for her than her own father, going to all parents evenings, university tours, financially supporting her through university, sending her other bits of money just so she can treat herself, listening to her and giving her a cuddle when she's upset about things etc..The only time me and my partner really argue is regarding my daughter and he gets frustrated that I always defend her which I know I shouldn't do if she's in the wrong.
She started university away from home last September and things settled down but due to the lockdown she had to come home. Since being home she has laid in bed all day and hardly done a thing around the house. My partner does have some mental health issues and he has also been struggling with lockdown and had missed some of his tablets. I'm a nurse and had come home from work with suspected corona virus and he had asked her to do a few things around the house as it would help me whilst I was unwell. He had specifically asked her to do the hoovering but after a few hours it still wasn't done. He lost his temper and barged into her bedroom with the hoover and a full scale row erupted, she pushed him as he was invading her space and he called her some vile names, I broke it up. My daughter has left the house and gone back to stay with her dad and is refusing to come back to the house whilst my partner is there. He knows he shouldn't have crossed her boundaries and called her names and is willing to apologise but she won't even come home to discuss things. She thinks that I should kick him out and can't understand why I want to continue a relationship with a man that treats their daughter this way and says that I should chose her over him. I want to stay with my partner but I don't want to lose my daughter either. My own mental and physical health are suffering and I'm at my wits end please help x

Also having read the OP again and some of the responses, I think maybe you don’t realise OP that this is the point when your daughter could pretty much leave your life unless you do something quite significant. So yeah... you can take the ‘she’s milking it cos she’s lazy and ungrateful, let them sort it out’ line but I’m not sure where that would get you. Having been called names by my mum’s partner when I was a teenager I can tell you for damn sure that I would not see my mum as an adult now if she was still with him. I am sure that she could have written really similar to you about parents evenings and holidays and times we all had a great laugh, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was actually shit under the surface.

I think you need to go and see your daughter without him and try and have a proper conversation with her.

How is hoovering a room her mother won’t be using (I presume if she had COVID then op is self isolating in one room of the house) helping her mother.

There is nothing worse than being piggy in the middle. Absolutely nothing, with both play you off against the other.
My son was a lazy sodf at that age and him and his stepfather used to clash horribly.
I never knew what to do.
I think your DD is being incredibly lazy and selfish and they just are at that age. You can only bare it if they are related to you.
I would not allow her to dictate what you should do, she will be off to uni soon and then you won't have a life.
On the other hand your husband needs to be told to pick his battles and outright warfare will not be tolerated, then bash their heads together and say you will NOT be played by either of them.

He isn't obsessed with the house he just expects that people should clean up after themselves and contribute fairly towards the upkeep of the house

She is 18, an adult. Would he get into a temper and barge uninvited into the room of an adult, a female one at that, with a hoover and start an argument? How would you feel if he did that to you?

I wouldn't even do that with a child. His behaviour was totally inappropriate, intimidating and I suspect not unusual. I don't blame her for leaving when she has options to live elsewhere where she wont be verbally abused in this way.

So many things to unpick.

DD's attitude
DP's MH
Laziness
Cleaning
boundaries
Living together
and happy to use his money but hates him.

She sounds like a lazy selfish pain in the neck. And needs to grow up. TBH this kind or row could develop in any house with a teenager. Nothing to do with step fathers.

If she wants you to split up with your partner, who does she want to fund her through university?

And tbh if the op having an illness that is pretty serious and is killing people isn't making her dd step up and help out a little then what will ? What if she had something serious, would she still be expected to run round whilst her dad flops in bed ?

Saying it's because of her age is just lazy. And an insult to the amazing, young carers in this country who often carry the weight of the entire household on their shoulders.

“Would he get into a temper and barge uninvited into the room of an adult, a female one at that, with a hoover and start an argument? How would you feel if he did that to you?”

I have done almost that with a flat mate. Except I marched into their room with a pot of old food in it that had sat unwashed on the kitchen counter for 3days because I was fed up always having to do their dishes for them and them always leaving the kitchen messy with spilt food, vegetable scrapings, etc. And yes, I gave them a piece of my mind for being lazy, not cleaning up after themselves and not doing their share of housework. I did call them a pig among other not nice things.

And gender doesn’t matter in my opinion. If we’re all equal then there should be no rule that only a female can go into another females room.

@Viviennemary, I don't think it is happening in houses where there is a healthy family dynamic.

It is easy to paint the daughter as lazy but she is keeping to her room in the middle of a pandemic and isn't feeling motivated to tidy because teens generally don't. If this was a teen boy I would say the same but had the confrontation happened it might have been more physical and police involved. I have teens and they are achievers but subject to laziness so my boundaries around housework are realistic..They can clean and tidy and at Uni they are very independent but at home I cut them some slack as events are extraordinary.

A young girl pushing a grown man suggests she wanted him out of her space.

Look at where the power lies?? He is an adult male, it is his house, he burst into her room...all of that suggests he had the aggression and she was defensive.

OP needs to hear her or risk losing her.

Oh well if people maintain healthy family dynamics in the middle of a lockdown and never have problems well good for them. Teenagers can be lazy and entitled. It doesn't mean that's acceptable. I don't see why the stepfather should be blamed under the circumstances.

Your partner shouldn’t have barged in to her room and shouted at her, but your daughter also sounds like she is being selfish and lazy. In your OP you mention her pushing him before him calling her names. Did she push him because he called her names, or did he call her names because she pushed him?

Unless there have been other situations like this then please don’t give in to her demands that you choose between them. They have both behaved badly but your adult child should not be trying to dictate who you can be in a relationship with unless there is something really wrong, which I don’t think there is. He overreacted while under stress and not having his medication and is willing to apologise for it. She should at least hear him out... and I say this as someone who had a fairly similar relationship with their ex stepfather!

He lost his temper and barged into her bedroom with the hoover... he was invading her space

Then he called her an "ungrateful bitch". (Was that all he called her? All he said?)

So he physically threatened her accompanied by verbal abuse.

And you actually think she should accept his meaningless apology and come home like nothing happened?

How safe would you feel if a man had done that to you? In your own bedroom?

Fucking hell. He's lucky she didn't report him to the police.

I can't believe you're justifying his behaviour and slagging your daughter off.

This thread has reminded me why I'm never going to move a man in while my teens are still at home. Just no. No shouting, no angst over control, no risk my kids will hate the house and leave. Even if they are a bit lazy like normal teenagers. Life doesn't have to be full of 'vile abuse', it's actually a choice.

And, no-one EVER will be calling my two girls an 'ungrateful bitch'. Their dad didn't ever use that type of language and no-one else will either. That would be a dealbreaker for me.

I think there are 2 camps of opinions

Those that can identify with the dd and see in the partner the words, actions and deeds of their abuser/controller

And those that haven’t been through this sort of thing and see the incident as just a one off and not seen this is the result of moving someone who creates tension into the house.

You say without your dd the tension in the house eases.

Before you moved your Dp in was there tension in the house between you and your dd.

If not then doesn’t it follow that the tension only arose after your Dp moved in and once he had got rid of dd to university and had you all to himself then he could relax.
You have been well trained. Do you tidy up after yourself immediately?
If you read your op can you not see that you describe everything your dd does as somehow wrong and he is somehow the hero, putting himself out at Parent teachers meetings and is only being reasonable when he requests anything.

Suddenly dd returned and challenged his authority and he loses control because she won’t do what he wants her to do right at that time.

Agree with AravisTarkheena this is a pivotal point in your relationship with your dd. She could decide not to have you in her life again or she decides to LC with you.

Something big has to happen to rescue your relationship.

She probably feels pushed out by a man she doesn't like who isn't even her dad... sounds like you're more considerate to his needs than hers.

User
You missed the OP
DP “barged” into the room with a Hoover.
DD pushed DP into a wall
DP then called her an ungrateful bitch.

Calling the police would not result in any action towards the DP, because it was the DD who assaulted the DP.

You have a daughter problem not a step father problem. She sounds lazy and entitled and having a step father is not a get out of doing the housework card. I'm upset for you OP - it's you she needs to apologise to.
I suspect she will soon be back when she a) needs money and b) finds out her dad expects her to help out round the house too.

Your daughter was unreasonable and lazy and should contribute to the smooth running of the house, like everyone else. She is totally in the wrong, but the situation has been badly handled by you and DH.

Personally I would have left her in her bedroom. Let her get prepare her own food, wash her own clothes and live in filth if that is what she wants. If she wanted internet access it should be earned with good behaviour, or just turned off by you. Some teens are just impossible and need to be left alone to grow up. No need for confrontation or argument or ultimatums.

As it stands now your DH should apologise for his aggression and language, and say the door is open to come back. You should also say she is welcome back at any time. Don't let her continue to manipulate you and wreck a loving relationship. Soon she'll go back to uni and then to her own life. You will be left without your partner because you gave into her threats. Don't. You matter too.

Just don't make the mistake of issuing ultimatums. She is far too confident in her power over both of you.

So, let’s see opinions seem to think that because DP is a man who invaded her bedroom without permission he deserved to be physically assaulted/pushed into a wall and his reaction to being assaulted of calling her an ungrateful bitch only proves that he was asking for it and it is completely unforgiveable.
Now he either begs forgiveness for daring to trigger the DD or the OP needs to obey the DD and kick him out.

I think a lot of people are projecting here tbh, I don’t see anything to suggest OP’s partner is obsessed with cleaning, he simply expects like most adults that teenagers should clean up after themselves and do the occasional chore around the house. That’s not an unreasonable request or expectation of her, especially when he’s been in her life for 7 years and she is more than happy to take his money. Yes, he shouldn’t have gone into her room and called her a bitch, which is I’m presuming why he wants to apologise. I think his mental health issues and him missing his medication plus her sheer laziness and disrespect pushed him over the edge and he exploded. They’re both in the wrong in this situation imo, him for losing his temper and barging in and calling her names and her for being so bloody lazy and shoving him.

You’re also in the wrong for constantly defending her even when she’s wrong, that’s led her to believe no matter what she does you will always side with her, hence, her asking you to break up with your partner. I would suggest you visit her, explain your partner is sorry, explain about his medication issues and mental health, but also that she’s not an innocent victim as she was lazy and disrespectful by expecting to lie in bed all day doing nothing and have her dinner served to her.

@Redlocks28
If she wants you to split up with your partner, who does she want to fund her through university?

Boom. There you go.

@InFiveMins
She probably feels pushed out by a man she doesn't like who isn't even her dad...

This is not true. Read the OP’s posts. She said they get along just fine. The only bone of contention between the husband and the daughter for the last 6 years had been around cleaning. That’s it. Honestly if I were him I would’ve lost my cool long before that. He only lost his shit because they’re in lockdown together and he wanted his (step) daughter to help clean her equal share and take some pressure off her mother WHO’S A KEY WORKER & WHO HAS COVID. The daughter also expects her parents to make her dinner after doing jack shit for the entire day after they been working. That sense of entitlement and laziness would push just about anyone over the edge.

Posters need to stop trying to lay 150% of the blame at the husband’s feet. At most he’s been patient for a really long time and finally snapped. The way he did it was partially wrong but understandable after the level of disrespect him and the OP have had to deal with.

It's really hard in that stage where you've left for uni and come back, to do things on someone else's schedule. I know I was a nightmare for this at that age. And would be a ball of resentment.

I also hated doing housework when anyone else was in as their comments on it would bring out anxiety.

There's no easy solution here As she has left. If she comes back then the division of chores needs to be clear and understood.

Also there have been loads of threads in lockdown about grown men throwing massive strops when asked to help with housework or childcare. So maybe your daughter should be given some slack right now.