Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

18 year old daughter hates my partner

196 replies

mrsorourke1 · 02/05/2020 08:44

Hi, this is my first post on here and I apologise for its length but I'm in crisis with my daughter and would welcome any advice.
I have been with my partner for the last 7 years and lived with him and my daughter for 6. They have always had a slightly uneasy relationship as he likes a clean house and she is extremely lazy and resents him asking her to do things around the house. But he has done more for her than her own father, going to all parents evenings, university tours, financially supporting her through university, sending her other bits of money just so she can treat herself, listening to her and giving her a cuddle when she's upset about things etc..The only time me and my partner really argue is regarding my daughter and he gets frustrated that I always defend her which I know I shouldn't do if she's in the wrong.
She started university away from home last September and things settled down but due to the lockdown she had to come home. Since being home she has laid in bed all day and hardly done a thing around the house. My partner does have some mental health issues and he has also been struggling with lockdown and had missed some of his tablets. I'm a nurse and had come home from work with suspected corona virus and he had asked her to do a few things around the house as it would help me whilst I was unwell. He had specifically asked her to do the hoovering but after a few hours it still wasn't done. He lost his temper and barged into her bedroom with the hoover and a full scale row erupted, she pushed him as he was invading her space and he called her some vile names, I broke it up. My daughter has left the house and gone back to stay with her dad and is refusing to come back to the house whilst my partner is there. He knows he shouldn't have crossed her boundaries and called her names and is willing to apologise but she won't even come home to discuss things. She thinks that I should kick him out and can't understand why I want to continue a relationship with a man that treats their daughter this way and says that I should chose her over him. I want to stay with my partner but I don't want to lose my daughter either. My own mental and physical health are suffering and I'm at my wits end please help x

OP posts:
Techway · 02/05/2020 11:43

She won't meet him because she doesn't feel safe. I can't imagine how scared an 18 year old would feel when an angry man bursts into her room calling her vile names.

You know he was irrationally angry so don't defend it. There was nothing fair about him fighting with her as the power imbalance is clear.

Original poster
mrsorourke1 · 02/05/2020 11:44

@Oliversmumsarmy no relationship is 100%
A slightly uneasy relationship as in like I have already said I meant that there was of course arguments over the years like in all relationships. I myself grew up with a step father and these relationships are normally peppered with uneasy stages!!

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsorourke1 · 02/05/2020 11:47

@Techway I'm in no way defending his actions, she didn't deserve this, he lost his temper and he needs to apologise for this. We have offered to have the discussion away from home with another person to be there to support her but she doesn't want to.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 02/05/2020 11:48

it wasn't just laying in bed till lunchtime, she continuously lays in bed till 6-7pm and then expects us to cook her dinner when we get home from work

Sounds like teen Ds and dd in not getting up till 6-7pm. Most teens are doing the same thing.
There is nothing to get up for.

Maybe the reason she doesn’t cook for you is she would be berated for making a mess in the kitchen.

She walks in the carpet and gets screamed at for not hoovering so what would happen if she dirtied a pan.

Techway · 02/05/2020 11:48

@Pingolo, if he had treated his partner like this would you say "they should sort it out"?

A grown man, who you are unrelated to and have an uneasy relationship with, barges into your bedroom and is clearly angry calling you vile names because you havent hoovered. Yep, I wouldn't be keen to see them again.

EdwinaMay · 02/05/2020 11:48

Honestly - why make this worse than it is.
She is a spoilt lazy brat
He is unreasonably angry
Both more or less adults.
Don't get involved.
Tell DD he was wrong and will apologise (he should imv)
Tell him he is being over demanding at a stressful time for all.
Tell them both to avoid each other until after lockdown.

I can remember being incandescent with rage at my teen DCs on the odd occasion.

As I said tell them both to avoid each other til after lockdown.
You carry on as normal.

Pasghetti · 02/05/2020 11:48

Tbh they were both in the wrong but I'm sympathetic to both. Let her cool off at her dad's house for a bit.

PippaPegg · 02/05/2020 11:49

It's not "asking" if he then barges into her room and yells at her Hmm

He sounds abusive OP. What are you going to do about it?

LightStars · 02/05/2020 11:50

WHAT WERE THE VILE NAMES HE CALLED HER?

Why are you avoiding this question? Regardless of who is at fault for original spat, the answer to this question definitely makes a difference as to whether your DD is being unreasonable or not in refusing to come home or have anything to do with your DP going forward.

The fact you’re refusing to answer this question speaks volumes to me.

whatdoyoudonow · 02/05/2020 11:51

it wasn't just laying in bed till lunchtime, she continuously lays in bed till 6-7pm and then expects us to cook her dinner when we get home from work!!

She sounds dreadful OP.
She needs some ground rules.

I bet your DP has had enough and. Don't blame him.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 02/05/2020 11:53

What we're the vile names he called her OP? Be specific. I'll be honest, if someone barged into my room and screamed "vile names" at me I'd leave as well, no matter what the context of the fall out.

Anyway, all this discussion of who was most wrong is hardly relevant. If she persists in saying it's him or her then it doesn't really matter who was right and who was wrong. Sometimes relationships just can't be repaired and you have to make a choice.

For me, there isn't a man alive I'd choose over my daughter.

NotStayingIn · 02/05/2020 11:57

Obviously DP was completely in the wrong. But now your daughter seems to be milking that for what it’s worth. Getting you to break up, being to immature to agree to at least talk about it, etc. Teens can be selfish and manipulative, let’s not be all Disney and pretend they don’t have their moments!

She also has a part to play in this and she’s getting a bit to old to act the way she’s acting. I would suggest you tell her you love her and want her to come home, but understand that for now she will still be too angry. That you get why she is angry and that your DP was in the wrong. That you hope one day she will understand why he did what he did and that she will one day let him apologise. (She doesn’t need to forgive him, that’s up to her.)

In the mean time let her stay at her dads. She’ll probably soon realise that staying there isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either when he gets bored of her laziness.

EdwinaMay · 02/05/2020 11:57

I'll be honest, if someone barged into my room and screamed "vile names" at me I'd leave as well, no matter what the context of the fall out
Hmmmmm.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/05/2020 11:57

mrsorourke1 the fact you had a step father with an uneasy relationship explains a lot.

Yes relationships between children and potential step parents do have to be 100% before they move in.

I have a lot of single parent friends who wouldn’t dream of moving a bf into their children’s home unless their children were 100% about the bf and they had been on the scene for a number of years.
Not just 12 months.
The children have the final say and it is the bf who fits into their life and how they live than the bf coming in and throwing their weight around about how things are cleaned/done

Original poster
mrsorourke1 · 02/05/2020 11:57

@LightStars I'm not avoiding this question I'm just finding it difficult to keep up with all of the messages, I didn't expect to get so many, this is my first post on here and still trying to work out how to use this app!! He called a her an 'ungrateful bitch' for expecting everything to be done for her, she pushed him into the wall.

OP posts:
JazzyTheDog · 02/05/2020 11:59

Lockdown is hard on everyone, he shouldn’t have barged into her room and lost his shit but she sounds like a brat who should have been pulled up on her behaviour years ago by you, not him. She is also meant to be adulting now so should be doing her equal share of the chores at home - it’s not likely to happen at that age anyway but YOU need to make your expectations clear as anything your partner says will be disregarded as he’s “Not my father”. She’s playing you, him and her own father off here to get her own way and is definitely manipulating you all so she has power over this entire situation.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 02/05/2020 12:03

What does "hmmm" mean EdwinaMay?

There are a disturbing number of people on this website who think that shouting, swearing, and name calling are a normal part of relationships. I'm not one of them. If my partner called me "vile names", for any reason, I'd leave him. I can hardly blame the OPs daughter for doing the same.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/05/2020 12:04

What were the nasty things he said to her?

titchy · 02/05/2020 12:05

What does she do in bed till 7pm? Chat to friends, Netflix? Or nothing? Does she not eat anything before 7pm?

Katjolo · 02/05/2020 12:08

I would side with your daughter. Do you really want to ruin your relationship with her?

Original poster
mrsorourke1 · 02/05/2020 12:08

@titchy yes, watched tv, chats to friends etc.. both me and my partner are normally out all day at work but she is obviously making herself food as there's always a number of dirty plates/cups etc in her room

OP posts:
sneakythecat71 · 02/05/2020 12:09

Oh my god @Oliversmumsarmy you pop up on so many threads with nasty comments on child rearing like you're so perfect. Feel sorry for Oliver's wife she won't stand a chance

Techway · 02/05/2020 12:12

@EdwinaMay, the op had to be involved because she needed to break it up which suggests it was a very serious argument.

I know some people can only see a lazy teen but this is a girl whose mum bought a house with a man after a year. I really doubt the daughter got a genuine vote.

I am sure she isn't perfect and maybe lazy at housework but she is also a young student who has managed to get to Uni so she isn't a waster.

We are in the middle of the biggest event in a generation and teens are highly affected as they have lost social contact which is really important to them. Her mum goes out to work for the NHS whilst the news is full of the perils for workers. She stays in bed and rather than think depression the partner demanded she hoover.

The partner allowed his medication to drop so I suspect his behaviour reached scary levels.

She doesn't feel safe and the mum will have to address this but not sure how, especially as she is out at work so would not be around to break it up if he got angry again. How can the daughter return?

namechange5575 · 02/05/2020 12:13

Why would she come back? Is your partner going to stop expecting her to do cleaning? Is he going to stop being frustrated if she doesn't?

He escalated, and on some level believes that he was reasonable to challenge her 'laziness'. He was asserting his authority that this is his house, not hers, by going into her room. He has shown she is unwelcome unless she does the cleaning (as dictated by him- him being in control). His calling her ungrateful also communicates that he feels she is indebted to him. All of that makes it unsafe for her really, doesn't it. I think you are being a bit willfully blind to the nature of the dynamic here.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 02/05/2020 12:13

She lies in bed until the evening and doesnt even have a meal ready for you when you both get home from work ? And expects you to cook ?

'Ungrateful bitch' sounds about right. She then has the audacity to assault him and now has you both dangling begging for forgiveness off the entitled twat.

Good God leave her to it, see how long her friends tolerate her shonky behaviour ........I was pretty much running a house from 13 / 14. My mum was out at work until 8pm so a lot of the cleaning, shopping even bill paying fell onto my shoulders as she was a single parent. She'd come home to a meal each night. If wasn't particularly horrific, it was just how things were.

All teens aren't like this at all and excusing that sort of behaviour because she's 18 and female (( if this was a male the response would be very different I can guarantee that )) isn't helping her. Id stop begging her to talk it over, but leave the door open for her to return on the understanding that a family home is just that and when things are difficult everyone needs to help. Not lie in bed like a princess whilst everyone else does their jobs for them.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.