18 year old daughter hates my partner

[mrsorourke1]

Hi, this is my first post on here and I apologise for its length but I'm in crisis with my daughter and would welcome any advice.
I have been with my partner for the last 7 years and lived with him and my daughter for 6. They have always had a slightly uneasy relationship as he likes a clean house and she is extremely lazy and resents him asking her to do things around the house. But he has done more for her than her own father, going to all parents evenings, university tours, financially supporting her through university, sending her other bits of money just so she can treat herself, listening to her and giving her a cuddle when she's upset about things etc..The only time me and my partner really argue is regarding my daughter and he gets frustrated that I always defend her which I know I shouldn't do if she's in the wrong.
She started university away from home last September and things settled down but due to the lockdown she had to come home. Since being home she has laid in bed all day and hardly done a thing around the house. My partner does have some mental health issues and he has also been struggling with lockdown and had missed some of his tablets. I'm a nurse and had come home from work with suspected corona virus and he had asked her to do a few things around the house as it would help me whilst I was unwell. He had specifically asked her to do the hoovering but after a few hours it still wasn't done. He lost his temper and barged into her bedroom with the hoover and a full scale row erupted, she pushed him as he was invading her space and he called her some vile names, I broke it up. My daughter has left the house and gone back to stay with her dad and is refusing to come back to the house whilst my partner is there. He knows he shouldn't have crossed her boundaries and called her names and is willing to apologise but she won't even come home to discuss things. She thinks that I should kick him out and can't understand why I want to continue a relationship with a man that treats their daughter this way and says that I should chose her over him. I want to stay with my partner but I don't want to lose my daughter either. My own mental and physical health are suffering and I'm at my wits end please help x

@terrigrey he didn't forget to take them, due to Coronavirus issues there was a manufacturing delay and was unable to get them

Teenagers are messy and definitely need to be asked to do housework etc it’s perfectly normal and I definitely pick my battles very carefully...it’s just not worth the stress !! Your daughter is probably gutted that she has had to leave Uni life and is probably worried about her course and missing her friends. My son is in exactly the same situation and let’s be honest am certain that being stuck at home with family 24/7 is not their idea of fun!!! Feel sorry for all of you and your partner must be feeling so sorry. All you can do is try and talk to your daughter and maybe your partner could send her a written apology.

What vile names did he call her op?

There’s another possible narrative here. At twelve years old, a stranger moved into her house and into her relationship with her DM.

For years she has supported her DM by being the dutiful daughter and this has included being loving to her DM’s partner and treating him in the way she knows she is supposed to, is expected to.

Now, during a pandemic, at a time of huge stress, and on a day when she needed rest and privacy, she doesn’t have the resources to repress her feelings and her needs

Just a thought.

Some ridiculous replies...

Sounds like a bit of lockdown stress to me. Your DP needs to keep his cool and your DD needs to grow up.
They need a meeting to talk about boundaries, expectations and mutual respect.
OP, you are the link that bought them into each other's lives plain and simple. It's you that's needs to orchestrate the meeting, when the time is right it, to make it clear to them both what you expect and to find a way forward. Suggest you get your big girl pants on and dust off the leader hat - because that's what needs doing in situations like this.

And yes what were the vile names?

I might be projecting but something sounds off in your description.

Everything your Dp thinks, wants or does is really quite reasonable and in some cases fantastic but when you mention your dd or her dad you can’t say a good word about either of them.

Ask yourself why things calmed down when she left for university.

I think the questions you need to ask yourself are

Why you moved in a man to your home when your dd didn’t like him.

Why do you want your dd back with you if you find fault in everything she does.

Why do you find his requests for other people to do things reasonable when he won’t do what he needs to do and take tablets to keep his MH condition under control.

I am with other people on thinking that there is some sort of coercive control/abuse going on.
It is subtle but it is there.

Has he apologised? Or does she have to 'back down first' in his view?

He should definitely apologize unconditionally.

I agree she should be pulling her weight around the house at 18.
He should have called her names but she shouldn’t be lying in bed all day when you are ill. It’s not a holiday for her , I’m with your partner on this one .

I suspect the origins of this fall out were there at the start (as you said they have always had an uneasy relationship) which means this has been brewing for years so won't be solved quickly. 13 would have been the most difficult time to move a new person into the household.

However your daughter was a child when he moved in after a year and it was the adults responsibility to sort out any issues. She didn't get a vote despite it being her home so I suspect she doesn't feel like it's her home. That will make her feel unlikely to help if that's the case..plus you make allowances for his mental health but now is a crappy time for most young people.

I don't think him attending parents evenings is a good sign unless she really wanted him there. Why didn't you go by yourself?

I am sure she isn't perfect but the general rule is the non parent shouldn't discipline especially if there isn't a good relationship.

You say she is lazy but I assume she worked hard to get to Uni? Could the issue be her lack of feeling comfortable in your house?

Your partner has broken her trust, imagine if he had treated you this way we would all say he was abusive. Why does she deserve less than you?

Do you own the house? I think you have to face not seeing your daughter when with your partner for a while until she feels she feels it's safe. Will she meet you?

@Oliversmumsarmy
I didn't just move him in to my house, we all moved into a house together. She liked him and we had wonderful times together and they mostly got on very well, lots of family holidays and fun times together. I certainly don't find fault in everything that she does, she is a very well adjusted young woman who has clear goals on what she wants in life, we have a wonderful relationship normally and tells me that she feels well supported by us both. My partner didn't just forget to take his medication or couldn't be bothered to...you have jumped to that conclusion. There was a manufacturing delay due to Covid and he couldn't get hold of them for a while. I am a fair person and always take the side of who I believe to be right at the time. I completely agree with other people's comments that he shouldn't have invaded her space and gotten angry at her and I have told him this and he agrees and is truly sorry for that and will apologise to her when she feels able to listen. In my job, I work with people involved in abusive relationships and I'm certainly not that naive to think that I am in that position. She shouldn't have been shouted at this way but also it's also his house as well as hers and mine and she also has to take some responsibility in the upkeep of it!!

@candycane222 she won't give him the opportunity to apologise, she won't sit down and discuss it with him, he is willing to sit down and apologise wholeheartedly but she won't.

Your daughter sounds like a lazy, entitled....(I would insert another name here but I won't) teenager.

She has to pull her weight. You've said so yourself, he dies everything a Dad does.

These kinds of arguments (untidy room, laziness) happen with parents/children across the country.
The difference is, with her 'real' Dad, she wouldn't be able to strop off when confronted and demand you left him.

Maybe he was a bit heavy handed but she's taking the piss.

and he gets frustrated that I always defend her which I know I shouldn't do if she's in the wrong.

Start by sorting this out.

People are not reading the OP's responses. Her partner didn't deliberately stop taking his meds--it was the fault of the manufacturer. And the daughter asked him to go to those parents' evenings.

I really think your DD's attitude is the problem here.

@Techway when I said slightly uneasy I meant that we had the usual teenage spats like resenting him nicely asking her to do things around the house or me setting down rules, normal teenage stuff. I did go to parents evenings, we all went together as a family, this was her idea not his or mine. She certainly did get a vote when we all moved in together, we sat down and discussed it and she was more than happy for us all to move in together. I'm not making excuses for his mental health I'm purely explaining the situation.

Leave her to sulk. She'll come back when she is missing all the care (time & money) your DP gives her usually.

At this age you need to pick your battles.
I have had 2 the same age as yours at one time and always let them sleep in as long as they wanted. I might have thought they were wasting the day, but I was the same at their age. It is hard to adjust after living away at uni and suddenly finding yourself not through choice back in the family home.
I accept we are all different...I go out to work and I have another adult child staying with me who works from home.
Yes, the floor needs hoovering, there are dishes in the sink left for me etc etc, but guess what I have decided that these things are not worth arguing over, especially at times like these. Instead I try to enjoy his company knowing this wont last forever.
You say you both have similar expectations regarding your dd helping around the house, but do you really?

Your daughter is being unreasonable.

I know plenty of PARENTS who would get fed up for the exact same reason and react the same way. Heck, I would deposit the vacuum cleaner in my own kid's room with a very pointed conversation that they had failed to pull their weight and they would need to do their job now. I wouldn't expect my kids to demand my DH get rid of me for doing so.

He's been a father to her more than her own dad has. She needs to grow up a bit.

she did get on with him mostly but sometimes felt resentful when he asked her very nicely to clean up after herself. It was actually her that invited him to parents evenings and he was happy to support her in everything that she asked of him

So why did you say it was an uneasy relationship

Even if she got on with him “mostly” then why did you go ahead with the relationship. Ultimately by turning a blind eye to the relationship not being 100% it has caused problems

FWIW I lived with a mother who had a cleaning obsession and MH issues.

I would be called lazy and entitled for not doing the hoovering or polishing the skirting boards.

Even when I moved out at 18years old and was away on holiday she broke into Dp and my flat with another relative and they cleaned the flat polishing everything from skirting boards to light fittings and even washed and dry cleaned every item in our wardrobe.

I never heard the end of it.
There was nothing about how they had invaded our privacy or how illegal it was but about how lazy we were.

The fact that we both worked f/t and then worked every night and weekend as well whilst we were saving to buy a place was dismissed as irrelevant as it didn’t take much time to clean up after ourselves.

I went LC soon after and then NC when we moved several hundred miles away.

Why is your dh obsessed with making everyone clean.

My mother’s cleaning obsession was about control. Do you know why your Dp wants everything sparkling clean and loses the plot when someone says no.

They have always had a slightly uneasy relationship as he likes a clean house and she is extremely lazy

I think you have bias towards him as he is a grown man and he must have intimidated her. He called her vile names..that suggests he is the one who has stored up resentment. An apology isn't going to heal this as she knows it goes deeper.

Your partner screwed up big time and your daughter must be feeling very unloved and insecure. Does she have good friends nearby?

Empathise with her, really relate to how she is feeling and you might start to know how to fix it . He was at fault as her "crime" didn't deserve his treatment of her. If you understand she will not be able to trust him then you might be able to see if this can be resolved.

Did you buy a place with a man you knew a year??

@Wearywithteens it wasn't just laying in bed till lunchtime, she continuously lays in bed till 6-7pm and then expects us to cook her dinner when we get home from work!!

Sounds like he worked himself up into a frenzy over the hoovering and then couldn't control himself in his interaction with her. I had actual parents like that, would focus on one petty thing and then lose their minds over it and it really damaged our relationship. It's hard to live with an unrelated person and this is why I would never involve myself in a blended family again. I think he needs to apologise to her massively and mean it. Only then will you be able to see a way forward.

I think lockdown is hard on everyone. I'd leave out of it and let them work it out.