Teenager not working at Uni

[Busymum45]

I have a lovely lad who started uni in September, problem is we just found out he's not done any of the assignments and only attended 28% of lectures. Asked him and he said he struggled to get into the routine, kept missing things and now feels so.far behind he doesn't know what to do

We sat down together and he wrote an email to.his lecturer to ask for a meeting. Hopefully he will go and get something sorted.

I fear he can't cope with uni and really struggles to study independently.

Getting myself so stressed over it as pretty sure he will fail the year .

Is it something I should help him with or leave him to.it? They.may be adults at 18 but he is not mature enough yet?

Any advice welcome xxxx

@little it's not a boast.. they're not my achievements I just found it a bit of an excuse saying that men aren't capable before they're 25 as they very much are most of the time.

Some teenagers need more support as OPs son clearly does but it's not because he's under 25 it's because he needs to be supported and get his arse into gear

But I'll accept it probably wasn't a useful comment so I apologise for that OP. I was just being reactive and not thinking

That's ok CorianderLord, tbh v impressed he has achieved so much so young :)

I don't think it's helpful to think about fault.

It's the wrong situation for him - time, place course. Perhaps he needs more maturity or study skills need developing or different course/place or a completely different route in life.

DH and I have mentioned contact hours to DC as something to think about -low contact hours won't suit some of them they wouldn’t have suited me either.

He should either be coming home and working for a year or doing a foundation course at a local college/uni, whilst living at home.

Unless there was clear evidence he was going to pass this course this year - I'd be having this talk - OU also do foundation years so he could also work study at home as option then look again at whole university.

I know people who dropped out took while and went back to other things - change courses did university later in life - all got where they wanted in the end.

The bare minimum though is attending and doing assignments and if he's not doing that why is he there especially when he's racking up debt to do it.

He really doesn’t sound mature enough to cope. Not being organised doesn’t account for missing 70% of lectures and not doing any assignments. I think he maybe just doesn’t “get” the real world consequences. I was a bit like that too when I started uni and I didn’t come from a home where I was helped too much or had too much done for me (my mum nursed my dad through terminal illness when I was a teen so I probably did more than most). However, I am disorganised and have a tendency towards denial. I struggle with timekeeping and it’s taken me years to get on top of it and at college and uni I’d end up being late and be too embarrassed to go in so I’d bunk off instead. I ended up failing my first year and having to drop back. Incidentally I also aced my GCSEs with no work and did crap in a levels.

Unfortunately he is the one who has to get out of bed and leave on time. He is the one who has to sit down at his desk and do his assignments. It sound like he would be much better living at home but if he wants to transfer to a home uni then he needs to pass this year.

You can’t do it for him and short of phoning him up and telling him he has to leave in 15 min to be in time for class then your hands are tied. Unfortunately being a bit shit and disorganised and chronically late just isn’t an excuse you can use as an adult. You have to know your limitations and work with them; use alarms for everything (I have one next to the front door that tells me I need to be putting my shoes on or I will be late for work - I’m too crap to have a reminder on my phone, I need it to make me walk to the door to turn it off), pack you bag t(e night before, turn your WiFi off when you need to brainstorm an assignment, delete your pointless “I’ll just scroll through this timeline” apps.

You can help from a distance by going through a realistic timetable to help him catch up and make sure he knows how to access support such as library run study support sessions, and you can tell him he needs to grow up and take ownership but you can’t actually make him do anything. Realistically getting a full time job might be a better path

Unfortunately being a bit shit and disorganised and chronically late just isn’t an excuse you can use as an adult. You have to know your limitations and work with them; use alarms for everything

I have dyspraxia and use a mix of alarms, times in head things have to be done by routine and pre-planning/over planning to avoid problems.

I still occasionally come a cropper - and an apology and most people are usually okay. I do find my children can be terrible if they miss one meeting/group about going to next one and need reassurance to go - but they do get there- I wonder if missing one lecture snowballed from that because missing over 70% is more than disorganisation.

It is sounding like getting him home and back on track with organisation and perhaps building his belief in his abilities to work or study may really be the best bet.

I also think it's such a cop out to say male brains mature later. Plenty of young people doing a lot with their lives - at university, in work, in the forces, in sport etc.

He's also been expelled from his students HoR which doesn't show great judgement (not really buying the "just caught up in someone else's problems" story).

I think OP you can help him best by stepping completely away and making the options clear to him. If he drops out of university then he gets a job. He doesn't return to a cosseted teenage life. He won't grow up unless it's the only option.

Sorry that's harsh. Don't take his achievements/failures as a personal judgement. I'm sure you did a great job raising him but he's a young adult now and needs to step up.

To pass this year op he basically needs to do a full years work in three months, and he will be predominantly doing it on his own, with some pointers from lecturers, who need to focus on completing the year with the other students. It is a big ask.

Although I agree it’s worth a crack, it does seem the lecturer and support team are indicating he needs to retake the year.

He can only borrow money for five years, he’s already borrowed for one, if he retakes he borrows for the spare. If he fails again, which would look like a strong possibility, then he won’t have the entrance requirements for a degree, and unless you or him fund it privately then it’s game over for the degree. So the next year is much, much higher stakes.

As such, taking the year out to learn some personal responsibility and consequences does seem like a plan.

Maybe uni isn’t for him. Maybe an apprenticeship would be better.

I’d have a word with your mother also, explain he’s not been attending for most of the year and he’s likely to fail this year. She’s labouring under a misapprehension that needs to be corrected.

If he’s not going to make anything of this year might it be worth coming home now and finding work? What’s the point of him being there? Then he can start reviewing his options, but be earning money.

Obviously he needs to go and speak to his course tutor. He’s not the first to go through this.

We can’t all be perfect parents like you frazzledasarock

Instead of berating the OP how about you offer some constructive comments instead of telling her she is a shit parent

CorianderLord and Frazzled

You may be proud of your children but may I remind you, Malala Yousafzai was blogging before she was shot in the head, airlifted to another country, started studying in a foreign language, wrote a best selling book and picked up a Nobel prize all before entering Oxford uni at age 20.

And that has as much relevance to the OP as your children's achievements.

The world is full of different people, not everyone is on the same track, not everyone has the same interests, abilities or characters, and thank fuck for that.

OP

How far away from your son's uni are you? The uni can't discuss our ds with you due to data protection, however you may be able to arrange a meeting with both of you with his personal tutor to see what can realistically be achieved.

It may be a case of working now and through the summer to get assignments finished, it might be more realistic to try again at another uni or on a different course, and it might be best to have a year or two out.

I have not said OP was a shit parent and I did not say my DC were perfect either.

I have offered suggestions of what I would do.

And actually it sounds to me like OP's son would probably enjoy and thrive via an apprenticeship route.

Companies that offer apprenticeships also pay for degrees, depending on the apprenticeship type. So he won't necessarily end up without a degree if that is what he wants.

OP I am very sorry if I came across as having a go at you or boasting about my DC. I wasn't on either account.

I do honestly think your son needs to solve his own problem, just so that whatever happens it is his choice and actions not something he can shrug off as well I didn't want to do that.

You are very supportive and have offered him solutions, he needs to pick one or come up with his own and apply it really.

And Gin and Sassh, finding the fact that I said my teens get their own arses out of bed and to school/college every day a boast, is ridiculous.

Ex had a nephew who at 19 years old needed to be shaken awake every morning otherwise he couldn't possibly get to college on time. I was told that would be my job because ex had an important job he had to be at sightly earlier than I did. I imagine he's still asleep.

Sat here in tears as he is clever but throwing his life away

He really really isn't. You are doing him a massive disservice to think like that even for a moment. There is no reason things can't still work out for him. It might all feel a bit end-of-the-world at the minute but chances are that things will work out one way or another. The good news is that he is bright! And that he has a lovely, supportive Mum! That's a lot more than some people.

He just needs to find his role in life. If it takes a few years longer than some other people it doesn't matter too much. He is going to be working until his late 60's probably so a slow start isn't going to matter too much.
You need to concerntrate on what options he has - work, apprentices, restart another foundation etc rather than what he can't do.
Honestly, chances are it will all come out in the wash

Also, it's amazing how boastful some people are on Mumsnet. You see it a lot on the Higher Ed threads. There are some amazing young adults about but jeez not sure why some posters feel the need to tell us about them at every opportunity. It's so cringeworthy. 😅

Thank you all so much. It's natural for some to.want to show their child / partner is doing well so young. I dislike the view that at 18 they are suddenly fully functioning adults who don't need help!

So far they have said he can catch up on referral work over the summer but won't know the results till end of September, therefore unable to move to another University in September ( he has offers).

Sigh, this is exhausting!!

Hey op. Offers for what, to start his degree or to repeat the foundation year?

Do you really think he should be investing in a degree at this point? Does he recognise what mistakes he has made and understand how to avoid repeating similar. He is effectively having to resit in summer to catch up. Maybe a year out would be a better option. Btw apprenticeships will be being advertised now.

What’s his subject, op?

That sounds good op.

I have every sympathy!

I had a year off, travelling, before going to uni. (I was Aldi luckily the last of the no fees years.) I think this makes a huge difference, even more so for males. So I was ready, wanted it, went to every single lecture, which I had tonnes of, aswell as drinking like a fish in the student union bar!!

My Ds1 is bright, inherently lazy and only does the bare minimum, which pains me greatly.

So far they have said he can catch up on referral work over the summer but won't know the results till end of September, therefore unable to move to another University in September

Has he checked if the referal work has grade caps?

DH univerity caps re-sits and re-assesmenst at 40% - bare pass rate.

Might be worth checking if it impacts his final grade thus his offers.

I don't know why they do this or how common it is but I don't think it's every made much difference as while the studenst all seem to think they'll do better they rarely do - as DH says they are working without the session/lecture support and when eveyone else has already moved on - so there little peer support. There's also many who put in for re-takes and referral work but then never submit anything or turn up for exams despite them insisting it won't happen.

Though having a break from university next year doesn't sound like the worse plan as long as he does something in that time.

Doesn’t referral work mean he has to do all the assignments etc and submit in the summer by a specific deadline, how is that feasible if he’s not attended most of the lectures and will have no learning or tutor support to do them?

I thought referral was more for students who did not do as well as expected, not for ones who had not done it in the first place nor attended the lessons. That seems an almost impossible task to me?

The other offers he’s had, op. Surely they’re dependent on him having passed the access course? What were the conditions?

TBH I'd question if you're getting the full information here. I find it hard to believe that the only contact he has had is about his attendance and they've not spoken to him about his missed assignments. Does he not have a personal tutor that he meets with?